She changed her mind.

[ardour]

Also, I should add she doesn't have to give a reason. It's called she doesn't owe you. She doesn't owe you a meeting or a reason for canceling. She chose not to. It is what it is.

Nobody's talking about anyone owing anybody else. We're allowed to feel resentment when people treat us poorly, that's all.

EDIT: of course there many situations where people DO owe others, from a moral viewpoint that is. Those in long-term relationships, between family, close friends etc.

The person who changes their mind on their wedding day, that is something one person is doing to another, someone they're meant to have a close bond with. It isn't just "sad", there's a moral obligation involved, at the very least to offer an explanation. I feel like Captain Obvious here.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Also, I should add she doesn't have to give a reason. It's called she doesn't owe you. She doesn't owe you a meeting or a reason for canceling. She chose not to. It is what it is.

Nobody's talking about anyone owing anybody else. We're allowed to feel resentment when people treat us poorly, that's all.

EDIT: of course there many situations where people DO owe others, from a moral viewpoint that is. Those in long-term relationships, between family, close friends etc.

The person who changes their mind on their wedding day, that is something one person is doing to another, someone they're meant to have a close bond with. It isn't just "sad", there's a moral obligation involved, at the very least to offer an explanation. I feel like Captain Obvious here.

Oh, trust me. I know exactly how it feels. I've been hood-winked. Bamboozled. Been had. Like you wouldn't believe. I've gone through things that I've done my best to forget about on a daily basis, because I never want to go back to it. But that resentment does nothing but stew bad thoughts and hatred and all the bitterness that life could ever give. And who does it affect? Not the person who did someone wrong. It affects the person holding that resentment.

And no, we're not owed anything. In relationships, in families, or even from a moral stance. To believe that life is supposed to just work in your favor for any reason is conceited. We're not owed a thing. Because we could just as easily be in the mud, in the dirt, having nothing but breath in our lungs and the beat of our heart. Being moral, virtuous, and upstanding doesn't mean that life then owes you. It doesn't mean that you're to receive anything for being a decent person. It should mean that you know you are a good person. If you do things expecting something in return, I wouldn't exactly consider that moral.

 

[M_also_lonely]

I don't think she was being self-absorbed. She has a right to change her mind.

I think I should try this. If anyhow I am about to get married, I will refuse to marry on the day of marriage, JUST BECAUSE IT IT MY RIGHT TO CHANGE MY DECISION. I will take out money to donate a beggar and when he is
expecting me to give, I will tell, "I changed my mind." , just
because IT IS MY RIGHT?

Couldn't have she thought about the possibility of me feeling bad about that.


Or she could be a little polite. Like "I am sorry, I wont be able to meet you. Hope you understand." Or could give a reason.

Was it so great of her "I cant meet you. I changed my mind Please dont talk to me from now "
When I asked why, she said, "Its ok not talking to you."

Uhh, yeah. If you ever decide not to get married, even up until the very minute, that is your choice. It's probably more common than we would imagine. Sure it's sad, but it happens. Although I can sense the sarcasm, what are you trying to prove? Because all that anger and bitterness is misdirected towards me. Your attitude doesn't affect me, so there's really no need to be that way towards me. But I guess if it makes you feel better, I can be your verbal punching bag. I don't mind. Go ahead.

Also, I should add she doesn't have to give a reason. It's called she doesn't owe you. She doesn't owe you a meeting or a reason for canceling. She chose not to. It is what it is.

I would never do that, because I have emotions, which you prove that you probably dont have, in so many of your posts.
Dont know why, but I am afraid of your posts. I just feel insecure. Oops, emotions again, sorry.
Whatever it may be, its not about owing because exchange of emotions is not a financial business, it is done out of care, respect and love for each other. Leave, you wont get that.

And no, I wont use you as a verbal punch bag even if I need to, because I respect you. And I dont owe you a reason for that.

 

[ardour]

And no, we're not owed anything. In relationships, in families, or even from a moral stance. To believe that life is supposed to just work in your favor for any reason is conceited.

Don't see how wanting people you're close with to care is similar to thinking life should always work the way you want it to.

It's hard to imagine how anyone could be in a relationship without any expectation for anything whatsoever, as if the other could be entirely indifferent and it shouldn't matter. Call me arrogant for saying, but it seems that you've been through a lot of disappointment and that perspective is a way of dealing with it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Everyone has emotions, some just don't allow them to overcloud their thinking, therefore not bothering them as much.

Others just disregard them entirely. Nilla is not one of those. Life is what life is. You choose how much you let honeysuckle bother you. honeysuckle happens, but it's entirely on you how you respond to it and how much you let it interrupt your life.

---

Don't see how wanting people you're close with to care is similar to thinking life should always work the way you want it to.

It's hard to imagine how anyone could be in a relationship without any expectation for anything whatsoever, as if the other could be entirely indifferent and it shouldn't matter. Call me arrogant for saying, but it seems that you've been through a lot of disappointment and that perspective is a way of dealing with it.

Wanting and expecting are two different things. You can hope and want all you want, but that won't change what is.
My brother has basically disowned me because of the stupid skank he married. Of course I wish he would wake up and see that he is throwing away his entire family for some ***** that will leave him in a heartbeat as soon as he doesn't provide her with the material possessions she wants and thinks she is entitled to. But, I can't change that, I've tried to talk to him and reason with him, but his head is so far up her ass that he can't see reality.
Expectations lead to disappointments. No matter how small the expectation. I don't expect anything from anyone. It's nice if it happens, but I'm done expecting things from people, because it's pointless. If it happens, it happens, but I won't put stock in that, because then I won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
Personally, I think everyone should take up that perspective, because what does it help to be disappointed? Where does it get you?

 

[M_also_lonely]

Everyone has emotions, some just don't allow them to overcloud their thinking, therefore not bothering them as much.

Sorry for the wrong word, by emotions I meant "emotional intelligence". Difference? Well, everyone has emotions as u said. Everyone experiences happiness, sadness, etc.
But not everyone feel the importance of the little things they say to others and dont care. Example? Well, there are two types of people replied to me: 1. Who said that what happened to me was wrong and she could be more polite. You know why, they said this??? because her being polite affects how I feel. Understanding this fact is emotional intelligence.

2. 2nd type of people Who said, "She doesnt "OWE" me." Well, always heard of owing money. Never felt, you have to "OWE" emotions too. How easily they say "Its her right". , Not much to say because, I am not using anyone as a verbal punchbag.

---

My brother has basically disowned me because of the stupid skank he married.

Two things I can tell you for this:

1. I feel sorry that this happened to you. Maybe people learn from mistakes. I hope he gets to know how much you love him and miss him and gets back to you and your family.

I mean it. Really, from the heart. I promise.


2. In you and your friend "Nilla"'s way:

Its his right, he can choose the person whom he can live with. Well, he just doesn't want to live with you and family, because may be he likes the girl more. He doesn't owe you living with you and your family.


Logically both are true being said. But with very difficulty I could write the 2nd. Because I dont mean it at all.But this is how both of you sound. Make me feel that I am always wrong.Maybe you wont feel hurt if I would write only 2nd one, because I dont know how emotionally intelligent you are, but when you write to me this way, it hurts to me.


Sorry to say, you need to reconsider the way you choose words. Not meant to hurt you.Maybe I am wrong, but thats what I always feel about you. Forgive and ignore if feel offended.

---

 

[HoodedMonk]

Why is the OP conflating marriage to meeting a strange person from the internet for the first time?

Does anyone else think the comparison is way off or is it just me?

 

[M_also_lonely]

Why is the OP conflating marriage to meeting a strange person from the internet for the first time?

Does anyone else think the comparison is way off or is it just me?

When?? Where???

 

[HoodedMonk]

I think I should try this. If anyhow I am about to get married, I will refuse to marry on the day of marriage, JUST BECAUSE IT IT MY RIGHT TO CHANGE MY DECISION.

Here.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Everyone has emotions, some just don't allow them to overcloud their thinking, therefore not bothering them as much.

Sorry for the wrong word, by emotions I meant "emotional intelligence". Difference? Well, everyone has emotions as u said. Everyone experiences happiness, sadness, etc.
But not everyone feel the importance of the little things they say to others and dont care. Example? Well, there are two types of people replied to me: 1. Who said that what happened to me was wrong and she could be more polite. You know why, they said this??? because her being polite affects how I feel. Understanding this fact is emotional intelligence.

2. 2nd type of people Who said, "She doesnt "OWE" me." Well, always heard of owing money. Never felt, you have to "OWE" emotions too. How easily they say "Its her right". , Not much to say because, I am not using anyone as a verbal punchbag.

Well, of course she could have been more polite, but not everyone is. So, if you expect people to be polite and do the right thing, you will be disappointed, because it won't always happen. It's not "owed" to you, because nothing is owed to you in the department of emotions and feelings.

My brother has basically disowned me because of the stupid skank he married.

Two things I can tell you for this:

1. I feel sorry that this happened to you. Maybe people learn from mistakes. I hope he gets to know how much you love him and miss him and gets back to you and your family.

I mean it. Really, from the heart. I promise.


2. In you and your friend "Nilla"'s way:

Its his right, he can choose the person whom he can live with. Well, he just doesn't want to live with you and family, because may be he likes the girl more. He doesn't owe you living with you and your family.


Logically both are true being said. But with very difficulty I could write the 2nd. Because I dont mean it at all.But this is how both of you sound. Make me feel that I am always wrong.Maybe you wont feel hurt if I would write only 2nd one, because I dont know how emotionally intelligent you are, but when you write to me this way, it hurts to me.


Sorry to say, you need to reconsider the way you choose words. Not meant to hurt you.Maybe I am wrong, but thats what I always feel about you. Forgive and ignore if feel offended.

---

---

1. I hope he sees what's happening too, because he has kids with his first wife and he is basically putting them aside so he can be a "better" father to the skank's kids. His kids will end up hating him for what he is doing. But that's on him, I can't do anything to change that except support my niece and nephews, which I will always do, even if I don't get to see them all that much. They know I'm there for them and love them and will do anything for them.

2. I never said it wasn't his right. It IS his right to choose what kind of life he is going to live and there's nothing I can do to change that. I HOPE he someday sees what he's doing, but I don't expect it and I certainly won't hold my breath waiting for it to happen.
At one time, he did live with me, but that was a long time ago. He moved out before he met the skank. I don't want him living with me. I never said he owed me anything either, though. I think you are interpreting what I said in the way you would normally think. That's not the way I think.

What Nilla and I are saying is that if you let the little things bother you all the time, they will drag you down until you are depressed and self conscious of everything. Whereas, if you were to not expect so many things from people you will be better off. I used to be hurt by every little thing, I used to make mountains out of mole hills, but the only thing it did was drag me deeper in my despair. When I stopped doing that, when I started to not let words and expectations rule my life, I realized that I can grow as a person and not be as depressed with no self esteem.

As for forgiveness, there's none needed. We're just talking and trying to understand each other. As I said, words and people's opinions of me don't offend me at all.

---

I think I should try this. If anyhow I am about to get married, I will refuse to marry on the day of marriage, JUST BECAUSE IT IT MY RIGHT TO CHANGE MY DECISION.

Here.

I think he was just giving extreme examples to what Nilla said.

But yes, it is your right to not marry on the day of the wedding. Lots of people do it, actually. It can be hurtful, but if you had doubts so much that you would run out on your wedding day, would it honestly be better to marry the person and live in misery?

 

[ardour]

Wanting and expecting are two different things. You can hope and want all you want, but that won't change what is.
My brother has basically disowned me because of the stupid skank he married. Of course I wish he would wake up and see that he is throwing away his entire family for some ***** that will leave him in a heartbeat as soon as he doesn't provide her with the material possessions she wants and thinks she is entitled to. But, I can't change that, I've tried to talk to him and reason with him, but his head is so far up her ass that he can't see reality.
Expectations lead to disappointments. No matter how small the expectation. I don't expect anything from anyone. It's nice if it happens, but I'm done expecting things from people, because it's pointless. If it happens, it happens, but I won't put stock in that, because then I won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
Personally, I think everyone should take up that perspective, because what does it help to be disappointed? Where does it get you?

There are things we can rightfully expect from one-another, without which there would be no basis to proceed with a relationship in the first place. The expectation that a partner remain monogamous while you’re together is one almost everyone has. On a wedding day, both parties had made an agreement to marry. Is it wrong to expect someone to follow through with something you both explicitly agreed to? If you and VanillaCreme have decided this is a symptom of immaturity, I’d say it’s as a way to the lessen the sting of any future let downs (obviously, since you say as much.)

 

[TheRealCallie]

Wanting and expecting are two different things. You can hope and want all you want, but that won't change what is.
My brother has basically disowned me because of the stupid skank he married. Of course I wish he would wake up and see that he is throwing away his entire family for some ***** that will leave him in a heartbeat as soon as he doesn't provide her with the material possessions she wants and thinks she is entitled to. But, I can't change that, I've tried to talk to him and reason with him, but his head is so far up her ass that he can't see reality.
Expectations lead to disappointments. No matter how small the expectation. I don't expect anything from anyone. It's nice if it happens, but I'm done expecting things from people, because it's pointless. If it happens, it happens, but I won't put stock in that, because then I won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
Personally, I think everyone should take up that perspective, because what does it help to be disappointed? Where does it get you?

There are things we can rightfully expect from one-another, without which there would be no basis to proceed with a relationship in the first place. The expectation that a partner remain monogamous while you’re together is one almost everyone has. On a wedding day, both parties had made an agreement to marry. Is it wrong to expect someone to follow through with something you both explicitly agreed to? If you and VanillaCreme have decided this is a symptom of immaturity, I’d say it’s a way to the lessen the sting of any future let downs.

If I ever were to get married again, I wouldn't expect anything. Hope, of course, but not expect. As much as you think you can know a person, people can change.
I never expected my ex to cheat on me or become an alcoholic, but he did and it was a major disappointment. Would it hurt if I was cheated on again...of course, but I would get over it a lot quicker than I did with my ex. Dude would also be tossed out on his ass immediately, which is another thing I didn't do with my ex.

I never said it was immature to expect things from people, just that it often leads to disappointment. As for why I'm like this, I suppose you could say that I learned lessons from my mistakes in life. But yes, it is a way to lessen the sting, of course it is. If you let your emotions rule your life, you will be hurt more often than you won't be. What kind of life is that? If you can manage to do that without being depressed or having a lack of self esteem, that's fantastic, but I've not met anyone like that. I have emotions, I have intense emotions, depending on the person, but I still don't expect things from them. I love them unconditionally, regardless what they do.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I would never do that, because I have emotions, which you prove that you probably dont have, in so many of your posts.
Dont know why, but I am afraid of your posts. I just feel insecure. Oops, emotions again, sorry.
Whatever it may be, its not about owing because exchange of emotions is not a financial business, it is done out of care, respect and love for each other. Leave, you wont get that.

And no, I wont use you as a verbal punch bag even if I need to, because I respect you. And I dont owe you a reason for that.

That's you, then. Don't care whether or not you believe I have no emotions. You can dislike me and what I say. It doesn't bother me. You're entitled to feel and think what you want, as am I. And I never asked you for a reason, so you can do yourself a favor and stop trying to throw back the things that I say in my face. It doesn't work.

Don't see how wanting people you're close with to care is similar to thinking life should always work the way you want it to.

It's hard to imagine how anyone could be in a relationship without any expectation for anything whatsoever, as if the other could be entirely indifferent and it shouldn't matter. Call me arrogant for saying, but it seems that you've been through a lot of disappointment and that perspective is a way of dealing with it.

I don't expect anything. Why would I? I give to the best of my ability and that's all I can ever do. I'm not going to stand there, with my hand out, crocodile tears in my eyes, and ask for what I give in return.

Why is the OP conflating marriage to meeting a strange person from the internet for the first time?

Does anyone else think the comparison is way off or is it just me?

It was way off. But I think he was just trying to prove me wrong or something. Didn't work though.

 

[Locke]

If you want/need to have expectations from people, that's your business. Everyone handles situations like this differently. I think the only thing a few people are trying to tell you is this: With most people you meet in life, you have to hope for the best and have an open mind, but do not have high expectations. It's something you have to do to protect yourself, so you're not constantly being hurt by others. It's not always easy; it can be a fine line between being cynical and naïve. Most people have to learn how to do it the hard way, by being disappointed several times or having their hearts broken.

I hope you try to understand this point of view. It's okay to be upset over rejection and by people acting flakey. Who wouldn't be upset? But if your first reaction to disappointment is "I want to kill everyone on Earth and be a emotional terrorist", then you will do nothing but hurt yourself. Thoughts like that will turn you cynical, angry and bitter. It'll make you crazy, and it's not worth it.

 

[M_also_lonely]

But if your first reaction to disappointment is "I want to kill everyone on Earth and be a emotional terrorist",

I understand that being disappointed is okay sometimes. But what I said comes out automatically when every day is full of disappointments. People are constantly rude to me im the place where I live and study. People say words that I dont like. For example VanillaCreame. I dont know or want to know whether they are correct or not, its just that my life is full of these kind of people whom I find bitter and rude and discomforting. I just dont like people like that and the way they behave with me. So those words come out of my mouth.

 

[Locke]

But if your first reaction to disappointment is "I want to kill everyone on Earth and be a emotional terrorist",

I understand that being disappointed is okay sometimes. But what I said comes out automatically when every day is full of disappointments.

I know it was a emotional reaction, and not the beginning of a plan to wipe out the human race. I also understand how hard it is to be constantly surrounded by people who refuse to show you any care, compassion or respect. It's difficult to keep a positive attitude when faced with so much contempt. I know, I've been there. The reason I brought up the "kill all humanz" thing wasn't to agree or disagree with anyone, or to offend you, it was to show you an example of what thinking like that can get you.

This kind of thing can (and does) happen to just about everyone. It does suck, and there's nothing wrong with being sad and even a little angry. Your reaction was extreme though. I'm not saying it's wrong - it is what it is. But it was a pretty dark thing to say over a girl you barely know letting you down.

Here's the thing: These dark thoughts don't always just disappear when the negative emotion does. They can stay with you, in the back of your mind, for years. The more you think things like that, the stronger they'll become. Like I said, it can turn you into a bitter, angry, resentful shadow of your former self. Without even knowing how it happened, you could turn into one of those people who treats you like crap

But if you stop expecting people who you barely know to do the right thing, you can temper your sadness with resolve to keep going. Because not everyone is going to be like that girl online. If you can be cautious, hold on to hope to keep the despair at bay, and keep your expectations at a reasonable level, you may find the woman of your dreams someday. if, on the other hand, you expect great things from everyone and keep thinking these dark thoughts when they disappoint you, you'll be lost. There will be a very good chance that you'll never find anyone who cares about you, because eventually, you'll be so bitter that you'll give up looking.

Anyway... I hope you think about it. Don't let the jerks in your life turn you into a bad person. There are a lot of jerks in the world, and if you let them get away with it, that's exactly what they'll do. Just keep searching for happiness. If you need advice on that, maybe you can open a new thread.

Good luck!

 

[VanillaCreme]

But if your first reaction to disappointment is "I want to kill everyone on Earth and be a emotional terrorist",

I understand that being disappointed is okay sometimes. But what I said comes out automatically when every day is full of disappointments. People are constantly rude to me im the place where I live and study. People say words that I dont like. For example VanillaCreame. I dont know or want to know whether they are correct or not, its just that my life is full of these kind of people whom I find bitter and rude and discomforting. I just dont like people like that and the way they behave with me. So those words come out of my mouth.

So people are supposed to bite their tongues because you don't like it? What kind of fantasy world do you want to live in? So what if people say things you don't like... The whole world isn't supposed to cater to you. That's not being rude. That's being honest. "People say words that I dont like." Rude and bitter words can come out of your mouth, but the second you get it back it's a worldwide issue? Dude, grow up. Seriously.

 

[TheRealCallie]

But if your first reaction to disappointment is "I want to kill everyone on Earth and be a emotional terrorist",

I understand that being disappointed is okay sometimes. But what I said comes out automatically when every day is full of disappointments. People are constantly rude to me im the place where I live and study. People say words that I dont like. For example VanillaCreame. I dont know or want to know whether they are correct or not, its just that my life is full of these kind of people whom I find bitter and rude and discomforting. I just dont like people like that and the way they behave with me. So those words come out of my mouth.

So people are supposed to bite their tongues because you don't like it? What kind of fantasy world do you want to live in? So what if people say things you don't like... The whole world isn't supposed to cater to you. That's not being rude. That's being honest. "People say words that I dont like." Rude and bitter words can come out of your mouth, but the second you get it back it's a worldwide issue? Dude, grow up. Seriously.

I have to agree with Nilla here.
Did you ever consider that maybe these people feel the need to be rude to you based on your words and actions? Clearly you don't like them, as you stated, clearly you have a problem with their words and actions. Perhaps they are doing this based on what they see from you. Maybe you don't realize you are giving out the vibes that you are, who knows, but don't blame others for how you feel. That's all on you. YOU choose how you feel, regardless of what others are doing.

 

[ardour]

some good advice... forget about her, she doesn't know you; it means very little.

 

[VanillaCreme]

some good advice... forget about her, she doesn't know you; it means very little.

I find it odd you say this, but didn't tell him that he doesn't know me? I love how as soon as he's upset because ooooh I said something he didn't like, he throws a fit. No, I don't know him. Never claimed to. Don't want to know him based off of how he acts here. And now, I completely understand why this female canceled on meeting him and refuses to speak to him. If she had any part of his ass thrown at her like I have, I don't blame her. She dodged a bullet.