shes in love with a mirage HELP

[Jack The Ripper]

k first of all i didnt come here to get attacked lol
but i realize after reading this some might do that
and i guess i kind of deserve it but
im looking for some advice maybe something im missing
ill try to make this as short as posible but its kind of complicated so its long

i was like all of u really lonely so i joined a online group
i never meant for what happened to happen but it did
what happened is i have a g/f from that group
shes really a sweet person but theres a big problem in it all

like i said i never meant to get involved just interact with some ppl
i thought i would just use the group to get rid of my loneliness but i was really in to much pain when i got there so i hid who i really was to keep myself emotionally seperate
k so the problem is im with this girl and everything she knows about me isnt true
sure theres some things like my feelings and some of the things i do day to day like what i have for dinner or what time i went to sleep that i share with her but its nothing usually any heavier than that
most all of everything she knows about me is made up
my past
what i look like
who i am
what i do in life
even some of my interests and likes/dislikes


k so i know i have to stop this
i know its not good
we havent cybered yet just gotten partially sexual
we couldve cybered but she was drunk that night so i decided not to do that to her
see im not an all bad guy this just all got out of hand

the problem is i dont know how to do all of this without hurting her
i feel like no matter what approach i use shes going to get hurt
but maybe im missing something so i thought i would post here
where maybe ppl can understand more about the desperation of loneliness & how all of this could even happen
i dont know
i just know this seems impossible to get out of without hurting her
i care about her some might get pissed reading that after what im doing but i do care and thats why i cant seem to get out of this
shes in a really bad part of her life right now and im her only outlet like she says im her rock so u can see she would be even easier to hurt than usual which is why im hesitating even more about this

would somebody maybe show me something i might be missing on how i can do this how i can get out of this?
ive even thought about faking my death! but no matter what i try to think of it seems like shell get hurt
and yes ive considered just going with the truth but i know she couldnt take that either
wth do i do???
help

 

[michael in glasgow]

Hi Jack,

Ok. What you did was wrong but I can understand why you did it. Any more lies will only dig you into a deeper hole.

The only way out of this that I can see is to do what you have done here.
Take a long time to write an email telling her this. Tell her what you have done, why you did it, that you are sorry and then tell her the complete truth about yourself.

Then apologise once more. Make sure you are happy with the email before you send it because you may only get the one chance.

On the positive side:

This woman obviously likes you for the person you are. You can fake an identity online but you can't fake the way you write and that is the person she has become friends with.

From the sounds of it she has never seen a photo of you so looks don't seem to be the main thing in this relationship.

Whatever you do is going to hurt her, that can't be avoided.

But you can mitigate that hurt by being honest. By telling her what she means to you and by giving her the chance to get to know the real you.

She says you are her rock. That sounds like she needs you in her life. The REAL you.

It's going to be embarrassing for you but step up and be the person you are and it may not be so bad after all.

Are you using Jack the Ripper as a screen name? That just sounds scary to me

Good luck with this. I hope you can rescue this. Let us know how you get on

 

[Jack The Ripper]

Thanks a lot for answering this. I know it took stepping out of the box to do it. Ive done a lot of thinking since i 1st wrote this and ive realized that this isnt someone i can be long term with. We had cyber sex last night and instead of feeling closer to her i feel even more an urgency to just get away.

I care about her because shes a person. I think it ends there. I think ive been laying a lot of guilt on myself because this isnt like me and i know its wrong and thats been clouding my judgement. Ive been trying to take care of her so much ive put my own needs and wants completely to the side.

I really wish there was a way i didnt have to hurt her but like u said its unavoidable. Im basically using her to prevent loneliness. I suck and thats why im using this screen name. Its really how i feel about myself right now.

I dont want her to know the real me. Thats someone she wouldnt be interested in anyway. I dont at this point even want the friendship anymore. I did but now i dont. I do realize though that shes going to be very hurt and thats not something i take lightly even though im not interested in her as a woman or friend shes still a human being.

Now i just have to figure out how to do this how to let this go. Can i really tell a woman right after sex that im not interested? Ive never been in this situation before. Usually at this point im very much involved. Maybe im angry that i put so much into the cyber but didnt get anything out. Sure she tried but shes not very good at it.

I feel like a dumb fuq rofl. I dont know wth im doing. This is a 1st for me. Im sure of 1 thing though i wish it would all just go away. I want it over but i hate thinking of her viewing me badly. That part just sucks.

Hi Jack,

Ok. What you did was wrong but I can understand why you did it. Any more lies will only dig you into a deeper hole.

The only way out of this that I can see is to do what you have done here.
Take a long time to write an email telling her this. Tell her what you have done, why you did it, that you are sorry and then tell her the complete truth about yourself.

Then apologise once more. Make sure you are happy with the email before you send it because you may only get the one chance.

On the positive side:

This woman obviously likes you for the person you are. You can fake an identity online but you can't fake the way you write and that is the person she has become friends with.

From the sounds of it she has never seen a photo of you so looks don't seem to be the main thing in this relationship.

Whatever you do is going to hurt her, that can't be avoided.

But you can mitigate that hurt by being honest. By telling her what she means to you and by giving her the chance to get to know the real you.

She says you are her rock. That sounds like she needs you in her life. The REAL you.

It's going to be embarrassing for you but step up and be the person you are and it may not be so bad after all.

Are you using Jack the Ripper as a screen name? That just sounds scary to me

Good luck with this. I hope you can rescue this. Let us know how you get on

 

[michael in glasgow]

Hi,

The very fact you are having this worry tells me that you can't be all bad.

Jack, you made a mistake. Be fair on yourself though, people make mistakes in "real-life" relationship too. This isn't really that different.
You see her as a human and that is as it should be.

So, how would you break up with a woman in real life? I'm short of advice here because I have only once taken the initiative in breaking up with a girlfriend and, to be perfectly honest, I made a complete mess of it. All other times it has been the woman who ended the relationship.

I know nothing about cyber sex. Frankly I don't think I could keep a straight face

But you seem to have a point- It is still a type of sex and it is never a good thing to just disappear afterwards. You know that from what you say.

Perhaps someone else on the board can help you with a strategy for ending this. If you keep remembering that she is human then I think you will hit on a nice way to do this. Just as in real-life it is going to hurt. There is no easy way unless you are callous about it and I don't think that sounds like you.

Don't just disappear. She deserves much better than that from you. But it will be every bit as hard as if you had just broken up for real.

I'm sorry I don't have a more concrete answer for you but it is not something I would have an easy answer for even in my own life.

I think you will know if you are doing the right thing. Don't be weak and simply ignore her though.

Maybe simply cooling it a bit and remaining friends would be a start. It doesn't need to be as intense as it has become but you both still get to keep the part of it that helps with your lonllieness

I hope the two of you come out of this without too much upset.

All the best with this.

 

[Jack The Ripper]

Thanks for taking the time to answer this. Ive been trying to mentally sort things out thats why i havent been back here.

Every relationship ive ever had ive ended. Not because i have problems with committment but because i have to end them. I usually end up miserable and i cant live with that. Guess i pick the wrong women to begin with.

But ending it like that wouldnt have really worked because she wasnt making me miserable. Well now im pretty miserable so i guess ill just end it that way. The usual way. I hate to lay all the blame on her like this though but either way the way it goes itll be over which is good for her.

Shes a cold 1. I didnt realize how cold she was until last night & tonite. I hope im not misjudging. I hope she can handle this like i think she can. Now i just have to get up the guts to do this. It means going out there to be completely alone again. This doesnt come easy.

Right and thanks for saying that about not just disappearing. I wont. I think im going to just use my own misery as a base for leaving. If things were different and she knew the real me it would still be the same because this relationship is a pos. It sucks.

Just writing this out. It helps clear my head since i know ppl are reading it.

Jack

Hi,

The very fact you are having this worry tells me that you can't be all bad.

Jack, you made a mistake. Be fair on yourself though, people make mistakes in "real-life" relationship too. This isn't really that different.
You see her as a human and that is as it should be.

So, how would you break up with a woman in real life? I'm short of advice here because I have only once taken the initiative in breaking up with a girlfriend and, to be perfectly honest, I made a complete mess of it. All other times it has been the woman who ended the relationship.

I know nothing about cyber sex. Frankly I don't think I could keep a straight face

But you seem to have a point- It is still a type of sex and it is never a good thing to just disappear afterwards. You know that from what you say.

Perhaps someone else on the board can help you with a strategy for ending this. If you keep remembering that she is human then I think you will hit on a nice way to do this. Just as in real-life it is going to hurt. There is no easy way unless you are callous about it and I don't think that sounds like you.

Don't just disappear. She deserves much better than that from you. But it will be every bit as hard as if you had just broken up for real.

I'm sorry I don't have a more concrete answer for you but it is not something I would have an easy answer for even in my own life.

I think you will know if you are doing the right thing. Don't be weak and simply ignore her though.

Maybe simply cooling it a bit and remaining friends would be a start. It doesn't need to be as intense as it has become but you both still get to keep the part of it that helps with your lonllieness

I hope the two of you come out of this without too much upset.

All the best with this.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Jack,

I would take it very slowly. Remember, this is an online relationship. Just so you know, your friend may be hiding some of her less than desirable aspects herself, such as her weight, etc. No one is perfect. One of the greatest aspects of an online relationship is that it is somewhat anonymous and 'safe.'

This girl isn't pressing to meet in real life, is she? If not, just take it very slowly. I would admit at some point that you feel the need to be honest about some things. Start with the easiest few. Remember this online relationship should stay light. Good luck!!!

 

[Guest]

Well its done. I told her. She told me the jokes on me because she loves somebody else anyway. Shes gone now. I'll miss her a lot.

Hi Jack,

I would take it very slowly. Remember, this is an online relationship. Just so you know, your friend may be hiding some of her less than desirable aspects herself, such as her weight, etc. No one is perfect. One of the greatest aspects of an online relationship is that it is somewhat anonymous and 'safe.'

This girl isn't pressing to meet in real life, is she? If not, just take it very slowly. I would admit at some point that you feel the need to be honest about some things. Start with the easiest few. Remember this online relationship should stay light. Good luck!!!

 

[Jack The Ripper]

That was me Jack. Image verification went wrong and i didnt realize u had to retype the username sorry.

Well its done. I told her. She told me the jokes on me because she loves somebody else anyway. Shes gone now. I'll miss her a lot.

Hi Jack,

I would take it very slowly. Remember, this is an online relationship. Just so you know, your friend may be hiding some of her less than desirable aspects herself, such as her weight, etc. No one is perfect. One of the greatest aspects of an online relationship is that it is somewhat anonymous and 'safe.'

This girl isn't pressing to meet in real life, is she? If not, just take it very slowly. I would admit at some point that you feel the need to be honest about some things. Start with the easiest few. Remember this online relationship should stay light. Good luck!!!

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Jack,

I'm really sorry. Please remember that online relationships aren't always what they seem. A lot of people who have online relationships have more than one simultaneously. Perhaps you hurt her feelings and so she decided to go off with another 'online' relationship...I hope you hadn't invested a lot of time and energy. Real world realtionships are scarier but more rewardng as well.

 

[Guest]

Why are we lonely? is b/c we don't fit it, because we miss someone, or because we wish we had that special some1....or is it because we do fit it but we just can't handle the hypocracy and fakeness of this world.....i mean, sometimes i find myself searching for a purpose to life... i mean its gr8 and everything but ok we go to school, we have jobs, get married, have kids, we get old then children leave their parents, then eventually we die...then what..thats it right????

well be4 i continue to make you want to die already, i know the answer to my loneliness... i just don't look 4 it... the answer to all my problems has ALWAYS been God... and whether you believe in him or not... it doesn't matter because he exist.... and if you don't want to believe in him thats ok, cuz all iknow is that HE is the only1 that can help us... the ppl in this world suck...they really do... but 1 person Jesus was able to make that sacrifice to die 4 our sins so that 1 day we could do his will... all i know is that personally i am miserable and unhappy because i have separated myself quite a little spiritually, and that will happen, but you have to fight to remain having a close relationship w/ God....and if you don't agree w/ me please don't bother saying negative things about my opinion, b/c i KNOW that what i believe in is true and no man can change my mind.... GOD is the aNSWEr...everything that i have seen has to me to believe in God for all that I have not....thank you for reading this...find a church and do what your heart tells you to do after you attend 1 service... it changed my life and I know he can help you...i mean, just writing this has helped me realize that just talking about him... has made the loneliness go away...God Bless You