Should I let this friendship go or try to save it?

[angel_in_view]

[/size] Hello. I haven't posted on here in a while, but enjoy reading the different sections. I have an issue that I hope some will be able to answer.

I've been friends w/a girl for about 8 yrs. I first met her through my job. She got hired to work in the same bldg w/me. We hit it off almost immediately and became really close. We had a lot of stuff in common..and we still do.

After 3 years, I relocated to another office that was 2 1/2 hrs. away. We kept in touch (talked on the phone & emailed), but we only actually saw eachother a handful of times in the 4 yrs that I was away. I was blessed w/the opportunity to come back to town after being gone those 4 yrs. Although we wouldn't be working in the same office anymore, we were both excited to be in the same town again! I've now been back for almost 2 years.

At first, it was as if things just picked back up from where we'd left off. After about 6 months, I started noticing the changes. We used to text eachother for at least an hour every evening bc that was our time to "catch up" on non-work related topics. We were usually so busy during the day, that we didn't have time to talk about general stuff. After about 2 wks I asked her about it. She said she was busy bc her 3 kids had started school & she had to rip & run them to all of their after school activities. By the time she got home, it was basically dinner, baths, bed. I understood that and didn't give it another thought. I have 2 brothers who are teachers, so I understand how your schedule & bodies are "out of whack" at first when school starts. Two more wks go by w/o any contact from her. So I call her that next week. She's happy to hear from me & we plan a lunch date.

That's when I REALLY noticed things were "off." It started out ok, but then it seemed like the conversation w/us was strained. So, I asked her point blank what was wrong w/us? What was going on? Had I done something w/o knowing? She said nothing was wrong. Its just that she's tired & grumpy from having to do all that stuff w/the kids. She was getting no help from her hubby. Hmm..okay. Well, things didn't get any better. I wouldn't hear from her for a month @ at time. I'd text her to "check in" and she'd respond. But, she wouldn't text me first.
About 3 mo after school started, we were supposed to go shopping. She cancelled promising to reschedule. She didn't. We agreed to meet for dinner about 2 wks later so we could exchange gifts. I was surprised to hear from her bc up until then, I'd been the one making all the effort. Well, dinner was so uncomfortable that I came home w/my mind made up that I was NOT going to do that again. It just felt like we were schoolmates that hadn't seen eachother in 30 yrs and just happened to run into eachother somewhere. That was the last time we saw eachother. Since then, we've texted mabye 3-4 times.

It has really hurt my feelings bc I know I haven't done anything to her. We were so close & now it seems like you have to pull teeth to do anything. I am the type of person who has always believed friendship is a two way street. I am NOT going to run up underneath anyone & beg them to be my friend. My hubby thinks its bc of her kids. When we lived here before, they were in middle & elem school. Now they are in middle & high school. I understand they've grown & are now into all kinds of things. However, to me that has never mattered. If I'm your friend, I'm your friend. I have other friends who have gone through different stages in life(gotten married, have had kids, etc) and while things do change..we have all continued to be friends. ON TOP OF THAT, while I was living in the other town, she told me about a girl she was friends w/who had gotten married & basically dropped their friendship like a hot rock. She was very upset about it bc she felt the way I did about being a friend. I guess that's why this hurts so much. I never thought she'd do this to us.

So, that brings me to the subject of this post. Should I just let it "transition" into a casual/we'll just say hi & talk if we happen to run into eachother friendship? Or should I try to keep it alive?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Seems like you are wanting more from her than she is able to give. With 3 kids to look after, especially when they are/becoming teenagers can put a lot of strain on that person. She's probably stressed out and doesn't want to dump anything on someone else. Sounds like her husband is a slacker in that department as well, which must only add more stress. You obviously miss her and that is understandable, and it seems like you really value her friendship which is great.

Keep in touch with her. Eventually she might let you in on what's going on with her, or reach her breaking point. Just don't push her, message her every so often to see how she's doing, let her know you are available if she wants to get away and just hang out, but leave the final decision up to her.

 

[jjam]

It's times like this when you have to ask yourself if abiding by the "2-way Rule" is cool. I almost fell for it, and I felt like **** while doing so. I don't know if it happened immediately following a workout session or what, but my understanding, once confined to thought level, that someone who cares about someone does so without expectations, ascended to behavioral level. When people I'd gone to for advice didn't hesitate to advise that I cut contact, not only did I find the strength to do otherwise but came to believe that this is the way for me to be.

Everyone expects something of the people they supposedly want to love these days. It's such a funny thing, really. If you don't do this, then I don't do that. If you do this, then I do that. How about just doing what you're going to do out of the goodness and sincerity of your heart?

The hard part is dropping the expectations. But once you do, I think you'll find it can be a beautiful thing being a friend to someone who isn't as much a friend to you. There are people in the world who need it. But even if you're pouring efforts into someone who may not, you don't need to be the one to decide that. Just decide what you feel and do as you feel.

 

[whispers]

I've been her, i dropped all my friends, i was very depressed and didnt have any strenght or motivation to give into friendships. I dont think its about you, i think its her. Best thing to do is keep in touch let her know you are there, and when she is ready she will come back. «i was thankfull my friends waited on me, and didnt hold a grudge.

 

[Lonely in BC]

I've been her, i dropped all my friends, i was very depressed and didnt have any strenght or motivation to give into friendships. I dont think its about you, i think its her. Best thing to do is keep in touch let her know you are there, and when she is ready she will come back. «i was thankfull my friends waited on me, and didnt hold a grudge.

What she said- there is no better friend than the one who accepts you for the way you are.

 

[Okiedokes]

I have felt the same way you have but you really have to think outside of your own thinking and not jump to conclusions because it really could be her kids that are stressing her out and possible depression. Feeling bad for long periods of time can kind of change someone in how they act. It's draining. So, I would just kind of play it off as it's not a big deal and don't let go of the friendship but don't have it as something that's priority 1 either. Continue to check up on her every so often and never show that it is bothering you that she hasn't spoken in awhile. That is enough to make someone push away further. I understand the frustration because you miss her. Cutting her off completely is something she probably would never want if she's been friends for awhile.

 

[Zetsubou-Sensei]

I know the feeling of losing friends pretty well myself.
I would recommend you stay in touch - you might not be as close as you used to, and she might be busy, but it seems to me that this is a friendship worth keeping.