Should I Seek Closure?

[Salmonman]

A bit of History first:

For quite a long time I loved a particular girl. I met her in high school, and though I am fully aware that high school girls usually don't mean squat, it was really after high school, when distance had made my heart grow ever fonder that I think I truly came to love her. I was smitten at first sight, and she knew that I had a thing for her from the very begging. She never loved me back of course, but I know that at least for a time, we were friends, and she truly cared about me. Four years of high school could not hope to match the closeness we shared for the two years after it, when she had moved away to go to a different college, or at least so I would like to think. One week we talked to each other almost constantly, and it was the closest I've ever felt to anyone. But all things must come to an end. She could see that my interest in her was still far more than just friendly, and after a difficult conversation and incredible heartbreak on my part, it was over. We still talked sometimes, but it grew ever more infrequent as the months passed, until we didn't talk at all.


Now it's been two more years since last we spoke. I know she has moved on and she has her own life. She doesn't think about me anymore I'm sure, but for some reason I still can't get her out of my dreams. I deleted her number from my phone and got off facebook, trying to cut her out of my life forever and move on. But there are things that I always wanted to say, and I feel like I want to get closure with her. Today I dredged up an ancient text to her from my phone, and from that I was able to add her again as a contact, although I haven't said anything to her yet.

The problem is that I don't know if I should. Do I really want closure, or do I just want to re-open communications with her because I haven't really moved on? Or is it simply that I haven't had a real connection with anyone, romantic or otherwise in so long that I just want to talk to someone who I believe still cares about me? And even if I DO want to talk to her for benign reasons, is it fair to her that I try to get my closure?

Please help. I've been struggling with this problem for a long time but now I'm perched on the knife-edge.

 

[Triple Bogey]

A bit of History first:

For quite a long time I loved a particular girl. I met her in high school, and though I am fully aware that high school girls usually don't mean squat, it was really after high school, when distance had made my heart grow ever fonder that I think I truly came to love her. I was smitten at first sight, and she knew that I had a thing for her from the very begging. She never loved me back of course, but I know that at least for a time, we were friends, and she truly cared about me. Four years of high school could not hope to match the closeness we shared for the two years after it, when she had moved away to go to a different college, or at least so I would like to think. One week we talked to each other almost constantly, and it was the closest I've ever felt to anyone. But all things must come to an end. She could see that my interest in her was still far more than just friendly, and after a difficult conversation and incredible heartbreak on my part, it was over. We still talked sometimes, but it grew ever more infrequent as the months passed, until we didn't talk at all.


Now it's been two more years since last we spoke. I know she has moved on and she has her own life. She doesn't think about me anymore I'm sure, but for some reason I still can't get her out of my dreams. I deleted her number from my phone and got off facebook, trying to cut her out of my life forever and move on. But there are things that I always wanted to say, and I feel like I want to get closure with her. Today I dredged up an ancient text to her from my phone, and from that I was able to add her again as a contact, although I haven't said anything to her yet.

The problem is that I don't know if I should. Do I really want closure, or do I just want to re-open communications with her because I haven't really moved on? Or is it simply that I haven't had a real connection with anyone, romantic or otherwise in so long that I just want to talk to someone who I believe still cares about me? And even if I DO want to talk to her for benign reasons, is it fair to her that I try to get my closure?

Please help. I've been struggling with this problem for a long time but now I'm perched on the knife-edge.

She wasn't interested then so she won't be interested now. You need to meet another woman and quickly. And then you won't think about her so much. People come and go in our lives. It's sad but it happens.

 

[LonesomeLoner]

You should move on.

 

[Wayfarer]

Wow, it's not easy to answer to questions like this.

I don't know what was said in that "difficult conversation". Whether she would still accept being just friends with you or not even that. And other things.
Now the question is.. what do you hope to accomplish by writing to her?

I'm sure after all these years the last thing she wants is to fight again. So, if you do write to her, don't insist on bringing up past events. If it's just to get in touch with her, to know how she's doing or this kind of things, then by all means drop her a text and see what and if she replies.

In general I'd say the best principle is to put yourself in the other person's shoes and imagine how they would feel.

Onto the next point. Is it because you haven't moved on or because you haven't had a real connection with anyone in a long time or?
I can't say. No one can, except you.

If the reason is you haven't moved on, the question is: should you? If yes (you decide) then you have to focus on some way to do that.
You should proceed step by step and analyze all the possibilities.

In general, I'd say that if you're fine at being treated just like a friend and can back off if she decides not to talk to you (all these are just possibilities of course and I hope you manage to talk), then do write to her. Just don't be pushy.


PS: of course as I said, I don't know on what terms you stopped talking, so all of the above is just what I think is an acceptable way of dealing with it. If the answer is unsatisfactory, please feel free to give more detail.

 

[Salmonman]

Well it's not like we didn't want to talk anymore after that. We just moved apart. If I were to simply ask her if we were still friends now, she would probably say yes. I'm not trying to woo her or anything, I haven't said a single word to her in almost two years. I know we aren't ever going to be a thing. I just had some things I never told her, that I wanted to, and then that would be the end of it, and I would remove all contact with her. She hasn't sought to talk to me in all this time, but somehow it feels wrong to cut her out of my life without saying goodbye. :/

 

[dd11]

It couldnt hurt to just say Hi and reconnect. Who knows? You are both older now and maybe she would want to see you. If so then take it slow. Dont overwhelm her with all the things you want to say. That time had past. Just invite her out for coffee.

 

[EveWasFramed]

It seems like you're looking to reconnect - not for closure.
The previous conversation seems like closure to me.
I'm not certain that contacting her after two years of silence is a good idea.

 

[Salmonman]

Hmmm... yeah maybe. Besides, I can't ask her out to coffee or anything because we live far away now.