shy people, do not join dating sites

[Batman55]

But the main point is you're putting way too much on six pack abs and big muscles, and most women don't care too much about that. Its not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's inside your wallet.
Hope that helps.

I've gotten in trouble so many times for saying what you did in the bold print, not just here but elsewhere. Women in particular get very offended when I wonder if they're looking for money primarily. (Why do you get away with it, and I don't?)

Also, women here, seriously, tell me what you're looking for. Is this guy speaking the truth? If you don't have money or independence, nobody will be interested for any reason?

I've asked these questions on this forum many times now and nobody is answering. It is almost unfair that I expect to come here for insight on problems like this, talk about most anything, EVERYONE here has anonymity, and still, nobody has the courage to answer these simple questions. Just do me a favor this once, and try to answer. I'm a big boy now, and I can take the truth.

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I think the main things women look at on dating profiles is what job you have, how much money you make, what kinda car you drive, if you have your own house or apartment, college degrees, etc.

A very depressing statement if it's true.

 

[nerdygirl]

People don't like saying money is important, because it makes them sound shallow. However, when I say money is important, I'm not saying, "You need to be rich." Because we need money to get things we need, it's an important consideration in a relationship. Things can be stressful when you're broke on your own, but if you're in a relationship and there isn't enough money, it's worse. Even if it's unspoken, there ends up being stress and resentment.

Yes, you can get into and maintain a relationship without a lot of money. It's not as easy with NO money, but it can be done. Most people get into a relationship with the hope of staying together. If you're going to have a successful future, it's only practical to look for somebody who can at least take care of himself/ herself.

 

[theglasscell]

Most women worth dating aren't going to care that much about money.

It's having a job that matters. If you're unemployed and trying to date it shows you don't have your priorities straight. Getting a job comes before anything else if you don't have one.

But once you have that just take pride in it. All work is honorable. If a girl looks down on you for working at a gas station that's her problem.

Body doesn't matter much either. Guys are generally the ones who tend to notice muscles and usually those guys are into lifting weights, so that's what they tend to notice in other guys. If you're unhealthy and out of shape to the point where it limits your activity that might be a problem but you have to fix that for yourself, not anybody else.

My two friends who get the most girls have never set foot in a gym. Online dating is really a waste of time and bad for your self-esteem though.

You're much better off just getting over your fears and approaching women in real life, the worst that can happen is they reject you or say something mean. It's really no big deal.

Just practice by flirting with girls at the check out counter or post office and make eye contact with girls you find attractive instead of checking out their bodies.

It's all backwards when you try to meet people online. In general it's very easy for women to meet and date men in real life so the ones that have to resort to online dating usually have some issues with their personality.

Also, if you are looking for dating advice find a guy in real life who you trust and who is honest. A lot of guys lie about their experience with women and give out ridiculous advice. I don't think you are going to find anything helpful on a forum for lonely people though, that's just like the blind leading the blind.

 

[Batman55]

People don't like saying money is important, because it makes them sound shallow. However, when I say money is important, I'm not saying, "You need to be rich." Because we need money to get things we need, it's an important consideration in a relationship. Things can be stressful when you're broke on your own, but if you're in a relationship and there isn't enough money, it's worse. Even if it's unspoken, there ends up being stress and resentment.

Yes, you can get into and maintain a relationship without a lot of money. It's not as easy with NO money, but it can be done. Most people get into a relationship with the hope of staying together. If you're going to have a successful future, it's only practical to look for somebody who can at least take care of himself/ herself.

If you're talking about a future with someone, you're right, you need to take care of yourself. But I might add, for me personally, taking care of myself is not something you say "at least" about, it's something that takes so much energy, I can get wiped out just thinking about it.

About being "filtered out" because a guy doesn't have money or credentials or whatever: I know some folks who get into short-term relationships or "impossible situations" where such things don't, or at least shouldn't, matter. For example, one guy I know is "with" a married woman who has kids and a husband at home, and that relationship is not going to lead anywhere. Which is not to say I'm seeking that kind of thing, but the fact is, such relationships do happen. And that guy is nothing special IMO.

I know of others who just do the casual thing, although these are the extroverted/confident type, and they can sometimes be jerks.

---

It's all backwards when you try to meet people online. In general it's very easy for women to meet and date men in real life so the ones that have to resort to online dating usually have some issues with their personality.

I have read so many profiles of women on there that seem to be like an essay written about their greatness, I wonder if pride is the issue there. I'm not trying to offend anyone by saying that, but when you seem to have it all going for you, why would you need a dating site? Do they really think they're more likely to find greatness online than in real life? Well, to me it seems a bit curious.

In other cases I have seen attractive women on there who reply to anything you send them, and then they're gone a week later. I have to wonder what's up with that, too. I really am starting to believe these sites are not that great for the shy or lonely, and that's written in my original post. I still stand by it, I have no reason to think otherwise thus far.

 

[nerdygirl]

Saying that dating sites are bad for shy people is like saying the rest of the world isn't great for them. Frankly, it doesn't matter HOW you try to interact with other people in the world. It can be in person, over the phone, or over the internet- ultimately, you have to get over (sidestep, curtail, whatever) your anxiety and any issues you have with yourself, or it's just not going to work!

If you used a butter knife to cut down a tree, it wouldn't work very well. If you used a saw to spread your Nutella, that wouldn't work well, either. You have to think about what kind of tool you're using, and figure out whether or not it's going to work for your situation. Things like dating sites and nightclubs are just tools for social interaction. You also should find out how best to use the tool. Different people have different strengths, and this affects how we use things.

(That said, if taking care of yourself takes so much energy that you get wiped out just thinking about it, then you're in no condition to take care of somebody else.)

 

[Batman55]

(That said, if taking care of yourself takes so much energy that you get wiped out just thinking about it, then you're in no condition to take care of somebody else.)

You are taking me too literally. That should have been a clear use of hyperbole. Nonetheless, taking care of myself is an extreme effort, and I find your response a bit cold.

You are also implying that one cannot have any relationship without taking care of the other person. As for longterm devoted relationships, you are correct on that point--otherwise, it is more of a gray area. The point is, there's a lot of possibilities, and there's no reason to think in black-and-white anymore.

Did you simply not read the part I wrote about short-term/ill-fated relationships? They do happen, and if you insist otherwise, then I guess you haven't met the people I know. Yes it is actually true, my friend has a relationship with someone where he has never met her family and never will, and he hasn't provided her with a single dime and probably never will. But he's still with her, they're intimate, and both enjoy each other's company. To imply such a thing is an impossibility, well then, you haven't met the people I know.

 

[nerdygirl]

You are taking me too literally. That should have been a clear use of hyperbole. Nonetheless, taking care of myself is an extreme effort, and I find your response a bit cold.

You are also implying that one cannot have any relationship without taking care of the other person. As for longterm devoted relationships, you are correct on that point--otherwise, it is more of a gray area. The point is, there's a lot of possibilities, and there's no reason to think in black-and-white anymore.

Did you simply not read the part I wrote about short-term/ill-fated relationships? They do happen, and if you insist otherwise, then I guess you haven't met the people I know. Yes it is actually true, my friend has a relationship with someone where he has never met her family and never will, and he hasn't provided her with a single dime and probably never will. But he's still with her, they're intimate, and both enjoy each other's company. To imply such a thing is an impossibility, well then, you haven't met the people I know.

You know, until just now, I was totally oblivious that you were looking for NSA hookups. Forget everything I said. The things I said were only applicable for somebody who wasn't looking to invest nothing to get nothing that was headed nowhere. Maybe you should try a nightclub?

 

[Sci-Fi]

But the main point is you're putting way too much on six pack abs and big muscles, and most women don't care too much about that. Its not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's inside your wallet.
Hope that helps.

I've gotten in trouble so many times for saying what you did in the bold print, not just here but elsewhere. Women in particular get very offended when I wonder if they're looking for money primarily. (Why do you get away with it, and I don't?)

Probably because it wasn't seen yet. Those types of comments aren't appropriate.

And when a moderator says something to one member it goes for all. We also don't have time to read every single thread the moment it is posted. If something is offensive or inappropriate that is what the report button is for so it catches our attention if not yet noticed.

 

[blackdot]

Dating websites work fine for shy people, that is unless they want to actually date.
It's easy to message people. Sometimes you even get messages back. But once you meet in person, that's when things will go downhill because women want instant "chemistry" or an instant "click". Neither of which can possibly happen from a single date at a restaurant.

 

[Mike510]

Dating websites work fine for shy people, that is unless they want to actually date.
It's easy to message people. Sometimes you even get messages back. But once you meet in person, that's when things will go downhill because women want instant "chemistry" or an instant "click". Neither of which can possibly happen from a single date at a restaurant.

This. I was talking to about 30 chicks that seemed interestead in me lately. I took a few out on a date last week and only heard back from one and she said she only views me as a friend...

 

[murmi97]

Dating websites work fine for shy people, that is unless they want to actually date.
It's easy to message people. Sometimes you even get messages back. But once you meet in person, that's when things will go downhill because women want instant "chemistry" or an instant "click". Neither of which can possibly happen from a single date at a restaurant.

Why should women(if they really are the only ones who feel this way) be rational about something that is both irrational and a feeling? There aren't any absolute facts like "You can't know immediately" with like and love. Some people do feel it immediately and some want to, and I don't see why there's anything wrong with that.

 

[Batman55]

You know, until just now, I was totally oblivious that you were looking for NSA hookups. Forget everything I said. The things I said were only applicable for somebody who wasn't looking to invest nothing to get nothing that was headed nowhere. Maybe you should try a nightclub?

No, I do not go to bars or nightclubs, I think it should be clear by now that I would not fit in there.

My friend who invested nothing to get nothing that was headed nowhere met this woman at work, not a nightclub or a bar. He's been with her for 3 months. If you insist being her friend and spending time with her, being emotionally supportive, and vice versa, is nothing, then you simply don't understand the idea that a lonely person will take what they can get.

That's why my friend took the opportunity instead of declining it, because he was 32 and never had someone interested in him before this, and basically he was a virgin too. At a certain point you have to forget about the traditional way and realize if it can't be that way for you, you take what you can get, because you only live once.

 

[Mike510]

So some guys on here say they can message 20 women on a dating site, and get 19 responses. This is extremely foreign to me, and I don't know what you're doing right, but it's almost unfair.

Don't worry about it man I did the whole POF, Ok Cupid thing and litterialy had about 30 girls talking to me. I went out with 4 of them 3 of them were not like they were online, the 4th one I went out with twice and I started to really like her then she told me monday when I asked if she wanted to go out she said oh sorry I have a boyfriend. After we already went out twice she says that. Most the other women I talk to after about 10 days if you don't ask them out on a date they leave it is that simple.

It does my head in, I am always told how nice I am, I am not ugly, I have a college degree and a job. I am just not strong enough to go through the whole process of starting to like someone and everytime they just disappear. All I want is to find someone who wants a relationship and isn't just on there for a quick ego boost to know someone likes them.

 

[murmi97]

You know what might be an issue here too - for some women life isn't so "real". They go online to try to talk to men (like I do) and then when one wants a date or says they have feelings for you, it's like that dream where you're naked publicly and don't know what to do. Dating site not the best place to just talk, I know, but..

 

[Mike510]

You know what might be an issue here too - for some women life isn't so "real". They go online to try to talk to men (like I do) and then when one wants a date or says they have feelings for you, it's like that dream where you're naked publicly and don't know what to do. Dating site not the best place to just talk, I know, but..

Yeah but to join a dating site where you know guys are looking for that. I am fine with making female friends but I don't want to start talking to someone thinking they think I am an interesting person and they want to get to know who I am and maybe spend time together and see what happends. Then find out sorry I but no, the people you talk to online are real people just like yourself and they have feelings as well. After everything I been througb this year the feeling of self worthlessness I had and to feel like I had overcome that feeling only so I could have things like that happen to me.

 

[murmi97]

I know, that's why I trailed off after the "but". It totally is the wrong choice for these women to make unless they like specify on their profiles that what they want is friends/to be more comfortable interacting with men. Sorry about what you went through.

 

[Batman55]

I know, that's why I trailed off after the "but". It totally is the wrong choice for these women to make unless they like specify on their profiles that what they want is friends/to be more comfortable interacting with men. Sorry about what you went through.

Any advice on a kinda related thing? I found an interesting girl on another forum for social anxiety and we exchanged 10 or so emails and then started chatting. Has similar interests, similar problems and so on. Yes she does have a boyfriend, but I said to myself oh well, it would be nice to have an online female friend anyway. I've chatted about 3 times with her. I get online every night around the same time. These last two nights I've left a couple lines "hi how are you" then "are you busy" and no response.

What's the etiquette for this kind of thing? When someone doesn't reply for a few nights for whatever reason, is it considered okay to leave a short one line message every night anyway, in case they are able to chat? Or is it creepy?

I've had nice people talk to me 1-3 times before and then, nothing, they stop or ignore me. I really don't want this to be another case of it. I even took pains to show no signs of desperation and nothing I've said was creepy. What to do when this happens?

 

[murmi97]

I've never thought anyone sending an email was creepy..I don't think. There's a possibility she may think you're desperate because you're trying not to look like it. When it's a man especially that is messaging me, I feel like I'm disappointing them when I don't reply. But she, on the other hand might no longer be interested in messaging with you. Sometimes it seems like so so many people out there don't really consider people's feelings. I'd just leave it - you might be feeding her ego rather than letting her know she can get back in touch with you. Or tell her off -(though I've never done it myself, but only because I've just now thought of it) it might just be worth it to get your frustrations out, especially if she just deletes the message instead of deigning to read it.

 

[blackdot]

I find that when women give me their e-mail address or phone number, that things are about to end. Women hate to be contacted off of dating websites even if they ask you to contact them off the dating site.


My mom the other day told me I need to stop trying to find dates on the dating websites. I asked her where I should go instead and she has yet to respond back.

 

[Mike510]

I know, that's why I trailed off after the "but". It totally is the wrong choice for these women to make unless they like specify on their profiles that what they want is friends/to be more comfortable interacting with men. Sorry about what you went through.

Yeah they have the option to list are you single or in a relationship and then what kind of relationship are you looking for, there is nothing serious, just friends, I qant a relationship, I want to find someone to marry. Hers said she wanted a relationship so I figured she was just a nice honest person. It is fine I think I should just learn to be content as a single person for a while. Things like that get to me because I do try to do things the right way and then I get burned.

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My mom the other day told me I need to stop trying to find dates on the dating websites. I asked her where I should go instead and she has yet to respond back.

I asked my mom the same thing she says there all over, I said name one specific place I can walk in and walk up to someone introduce myself and get to know a women. She never answered me lol