MechanicalMishka
Active member
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2011
- Messages
- 37
- Reaction score
- 0
Yeah, at first it sounds insignificant compared to 'no girlfriend syndrome', I'm aware of that. But it's only first impression.
Let's take a closer look. Insomnia, frequent nightmares, sleep paralysis, sleep-walking and a wide range of other sleep-related nasty honeysuckle. After googling around I now have a name for what affects me lately in addition to undiagnosed or unnamed disorders that I believe I'm living with. Honestly, the most funny part about this is that I don't know if I'm on the path to psychosis or if I'm making up all these disorders to dramatize my otherwise uninspiring existence. Excessive word-wasting syndrome has to be among them, so don't think of me as a pretentious motherhacker, I just can't help it. Hold off your clever sarcastic remarks, I can ridicule me for my writing style (or more like Jack's complete lack of it) quite thoroughly myself, thank you very much. Woah, look at me trying to use big words for the sake of using 'em, squeezing in yet another shitty expression, overused like a popular schoolgirl. Oh, It says 'sleep disorders', dammit.
Circadian rhythm sleep disorders. Sounds almost harmless, right? Wrong! You think it's just a matter of fixing your sleep timing. I tried fixing, not once, not twice. Here's how I did it this time.
1. Waking up around 7 PM, as usual, feeling blissfully numb in comparison to current state.
2. 10 PM - 6 AM. Clear mind. Peak of brain activity. Initiative to do anything physically. Inspirational drive, ideas.
3. 6 AM - 10 AM. Suppressing overpowering urge to sleep with respectable amounts of caffeine.
4. 10 AM - 11 AM. A beginning phase of mental nightmare. More on that in detail.
Quiet voices talking in background, friends, family, whatever. Voices that are familiar to me. I know it's just an auditory hallucination caused by sleep deprivation, it doesn't bother me, usual honeysuckle. I can't make out what they are talking about, just catch separate generic words like 'dude' or 'stuff'. Voices enjoy their private indiscernible jokes cracking up in laughter occasionally. Sometimes they sound extremely believable, that's when I abandon my location and head out to look for their source somewhere outside. Bright daylight blinds me somewhat but I adjust easily enough, voices drown in city's humming activity and vanish completely. I turn back disappointed and satisfied at the same time. Don't forget to say 'hello' to neighbour passing by and receive friendly greetings in return, pleased with the thought that I at least seem to look normal. Visual hallucinations never fail to unnerve me though. As I'm on my way to scavenge the fridge for something edible, air around dim sunlight penetrating the curtains takes a form of a graceful tall female silhouette. It makes a few confident steps advancing towards me then dissolves. Heart's racing, cold sweat. I say something aloud just to dispel the dreadful illusion. "You startled me, Erica." I say whatever insane honeysuckle comes to mind first. I gave her a name, don't know what for, the thought amuses me and I'm smiling naturally. I fight the urge to look back as I'm looking for much needed nutrition. Then I chain smoke, abuse coffee, consume food that I don't need to cook and do push ups furiously. It is a form of suicide with an unclear timer slapped on top. Delayed-action suicide by heart attack. A way to take own life without changing your mind when you already feel that your head turns dark purple from tightened ligature. Time's speeding up, stray thoughts, I think of everything and nothing at once, hours float by with me just existing in my mind, I look at myself from third person perspective, like I'm a movie character, dream-like. My mental state amuses me, I'm secretly excited and intrigued inside. I wonder what's next. I touch my faint shadow on the wall. I strike a random chord on a guitar and listen in. I tap my head to try and put whatever cog fell off from the system back into place. I blankly stare into the internet and feel my eyes bleeding, go to check them out in the mirror, grin insanely looking at my ragged reflection, get frightened and concerned about my mental health and then laugh. That's about it, 'mental nightmare' described.
5. 10 PM. Now's the time to sleep and get back on track, to fix my life, job, sports, ambitions, social activities et cetera. Suddenly I don't want to sleep at all, my mind is clear once again, I'm in the mood to do anything and get pumped up. Still I gather my resolve and head to bed.
6. 10 PM - 5 AM. I wake up three times during the night but submit myself to sleep without much trouble.
7. 5 AM. I get up. I feel fine at first.
But then I realize something is not right. I am a useless lump of flesh. My limbs are heavy and weak. I feel extremely sleepy throughout the whole day. Sunlight is touching my skin making me tired. Nausea and apathy, headache, like a moderately terrible hangover, my favourite colour is gray. I lazily browse through social, relationships, low-self esteem and generic threads. Inclined to post a reply mechanically for the sake of 22th post but then retract in disdain. Try to play a video game, get heavily bored looking at 'new game' option.
I decide to post something readable, click 'new thread'. Type honeysuckle, save as draft. Repeat until done, again and again by small coherent looking bits of text. Feel the need to post it no matter what, for no defined reason. Just finished. I am now drained of all thoughts and emotions, must try sleeping at night again, maybe it's just the effect of my body clock readjusting.
What do you think? I'm after some sort of advice, anything that might help me cure sleep-related disorder, visiting a doctor is not an option for me unfortunately. You may share your sleep-related troubles as well if you're not having the fresia disturbed out of you (Ha!).
8. (just because I dislike odd numbers) Around 1 AM. Posted.
Let's take a closer look. Insomnia, frequent nightmares, sleep paralysis, sleep-walking and a wide range of other sleep-related nasty honeysuckle. After googling around I now have a name for what affects me lately in addition to undiagnosed or unnamed disorders that I believe I'm living with. Honestly, the most funny part about this is that I don't know if I'm on the path to psychosis or if I'm making up all these disorders to dramatize my otherwise uninspiring existence. Excessive word-wasting syndrome has to be among them, so don't think of me as a pretentious motherhacker, I just can't help it. Hold off your clever sarcastic remarks, I can ridicule me for my writing style (or more like Jack's complete lack of it) quite thoroughly myself, thank you very much. Woah, look at me trying to use big words for the sake of using 'em, squeezing in yet another shitty expression, overused like a popular schoolgirl. Oh, It says 'sleep disorders', dammit.
Circadian rhythm sleep disorders. Sounds almost harmless, right? Wrong! You think it's just a matter of fixing your sleep timing. I tried fixing, not once, not twice. Here's how I did it this time.
1. Waking up around 7 PM, as usual, feeling blissfully numb in comparison to current state.
2. 10 PM - 6 AM. Clear mind. Peak of brain activity. Initiative to do anything physically. Inspirational drive, ideas.
3. 6 AM - 10 AM. Suppressing overpowering urge to sleep with respectable amounts of caffeine.
4. 10 AM - 11 AM. A beginning phase of mental nightmare. More on that in detail.
Quiet voices talking in background, friends, family, whatever. Voices that are familiar to me. I know it's just an auditory hallucination caused by sleep deprivation, it doesn't bother me, usual honeysuckle. I can't make out what they are talking about, just catch separate generic words like 'dude' or 'stuff'. Voices enjoy their private indiscernible jokes cracking up in laughter occasionally. Sometimes they sound extremely believable, that's when I abandon my location and head out to look for their source somewhere outside. Bright daylight blinds me somewhat but I adjust easily enough, voices drown in city's humming activity and vanish completely. I turn back disappointed and satisfied at the same time. Don't forget to say 'hello' to neighbour passing by and receive friendly greetings in return, pleased with the thought that I at least seem to look normal. Visual hallucinations never fail to unnerve me though. As I'm on my way to scavenge the fridge for something edible, air around dim sunlight penetrating the curtains takes a form of a graceful tall female silhouette. It makes a few confident steps advancing towards me then dissolves. Heart's racing, cold sweat. I say something aloud just to dispel the dreadful illusion. "You startled me, Erica." I say whatever insane honeysuckle comes to mind first. I gave her a name, don't know what for, the thought amuses me and I'm smiling naturally. I fight the urge to look back as I'm looking for much needed nutrition. Then I chain smoke, abuse coffee, consume food that I don't need to cook and do push ups furiously. It is a form of suicide with an unclear timer slapped on top. Delayed-action suicide by heart attack. A way to take own life without changing your mind when you already feel that your head turns dark purple from tightened ligature. Time's speeding up, stray thoughts, I think of everything and nothing at once, hours float by with me just existing in my mind, I look at myself from third person perspective, like I'm a movie character, dream-like. My mental state amuses me, I'm secretly excited and intrigued inside. I wonder what's next. I touch my faint shadow on the wall. I strike a random chord on a guitar and listen in. I tap my head to try and put whatever cog fell off from the system back into place. I blankly stare into the internet and feel my eyes bleeding, go to check them out in the mirror, grin insanely looking at my ragged reflection, get frightened and concerned about my mental health and then laugh. That's about it, 'mental nightmare' described.
5. 10 PM. Now's the time to sleep and get back on track, to fix my life, job, sports, ambitions, social activities et cetera. Suddenly I don't want to sleep at all, my mind is clear once again, I'm in the mood to do anything and get pumped up. Still I gather my resolve and head to bed.
6. 10 PM - 5 AM. I wake up three times during the night but submit myself to sleep without much trouble.
7. 5 AM. I get up. I feel fine at first.
But then I realize something is not right. I am a useless lump of flesh. My limbs are heavy and weak. I feel extremely sleepy throughout the whole day. Sunlight is touching my skin making me tired. Nausea and apathy, headache, like a moderately terrible hangover, my favourite colour is gray. I lazily browse through social, relationships, low-self esteem and generic threads. Inclined to post a reply mechanically for the sake of 22th post but then retract in disdain. Try to play a video game, get heavily bored looking at 'new game' option.
I decide to post something readable, click 'new thread'. Type honeysuckle, save as draft. Repeat until done, again and again by small coherent looking bits of text. Feel the need to post it no matter what, for no defined reason. Just finished. I am now drained of all thoughts and emotions, must try sleeping at night again, maybe it's just the effect of my body clock readjusting.
What do you think? I'm after some sort of advice, anything that might help me cure sleep-related disorder, visiting a doctor is not an option for me unfortunately. You may share your sleep-related troubles as well if you're not having the fresia disturbed out of you (Ha!).
8. (just because I dislike odd numbers) Around 1 AM. Posted.