So It's Really Weird to Look for a Friend as an Adult Male

[AmeNoKo]

I'm 24, so still pretty young, and I'll be going away to a University next year so I'm not too worried about friends currently, but---

For the past 2 years or so, I slipped into the agoraphobic life, and am only just now breaking out of it after cleaning up. So I went out to some 'happening' places to try and make some friends---

But there's an issue, and I'll summarize this with the question I was asked 3 times one night, and at least once on a few of my other excursions:
"Are you gay?"

It's weird to look for a friend as an adult male, because this seems to be the only thing anyone is concerned with. At least by me, it seems that the 'class' of people I'm talking to, which tend to be college drop-out, drug-using types, don't have any 'need' for new friends. Most people have a clique that seems like they've been banded since highschool, and I guess with the economics of my area it seems that already a lot of people are looking to find a man/woman to marry and exclude themselves with.

It's a pretty unhappy area, but either way my point is: How does an adult male make friends without being questioned as a homosexual advance? Really I do feel almost like I'm trying to date them: "Do you like videogames? No? Tsk-tsk; we are not compatible then!" But at the same time, as an adult I'm really not looking for that much with a friend; it's just that loneliness sucks, and being able to go for a walk or play a videogame with someone would be better than doing it alone.

Just way more confusing to make friends than I remember--- but honestly I had a long-term highschool clique also up until 21, where we all disbanded because of bad life-choices and shame. I don't even remember how we all met--- most of us had just turned 13 when we met, so really it probably was just something simple like, 'Hey, I/You made You/Me laugh; let's be friends!"
Wish it was still that simple...

 

[Fvantom]

It is and can be that simple, really. Don't let anyone tell you differently (and believe me they will try)

Just keep doing what you're doing, your friends are out there somewhere and just need to be found.

This will sound drastic but it's true, anyone who turns you down.....they're worthless, screw them. Even if somehow you found yourself associated with them, they probably wouldn't be a good friend either way.

Your worst enemy in this situation is the thought that it's too late. I struggle with that thought as well. Just go to university, get involved in whatever events or clubs that you would enjoy, don't worry about what's popular, just go do what you like and that's where you can meet people you fit in with.

I wish I could help more or give better advice. Hopefully this helps a little.

 

[AmeNoKo]

It is and can be that simple, really. Don't let anyone tell you differently (and believe me they will try)

Just keep doing what you're doing, your friends are out there somewhere and just need to be found.

This will sound drastic but it's true, anyone who turns you down.....they're worthless, screw them. Even if somehow you found yourself associated with them, they probably wouldn't be a good friend either way.

Your worst enemy in this situation is the thought that it's too late. I struggle with that thought as well. Just go to university, get involved in whatever events or clubs that you would enjoy, don't worry about what's popular, just go do what you like and that's where you can meet people you fit in with.

I wish I could help more or give better advice. Hopefully this helps a little.

No, that sounds good. Honestly I regret having not listened to this same advice when I'd started Community College oh-so-long-ago. I was so caught up with my own small clique of friends then, and our popularity ideas, that I never joined any clubs--- and I really, really regret that. It'd be great to meet people with similar interests, and I've honestly never had that my whole life (except for teenage partying, which isn't much of an interest at all...).
I'm looking forward to university, but it's just quite a while away. 5 months, which isn't that long--- but I've just been alone for so long now, and now that I've cleaned myself up and am trying to break out of my shell, if only a little, I'd just really like for a friend for the next couple of months.
But oh well. I will keep trying! I wish there were School Clubs outside of School I'd love to be able to go online and look up the local 'Literary Club' or whatever, and this would all be a 1-2-3 affair. But alas!

 

[Case]

Most of the friends I've met in real life were as a result of both of us being isolated with a common purpose. Be it school, work, video games, sports, or any club dedicated to a hobby, the friends I have met came as a result of people knowing me from one thing. Then, we get to talking, it leads to discovery of mutual interests outside the reasons we first met, and then we start to socialize outside of school, work, or hobby.

You will be in uni with tons of people who will be having a shared interest. That's your ice-breaker, if you will. Take advantage of these opportunities to know more people. But go easy. Ease yourself from work/school/hobby talk gradually to other topics. Try to relax and have fun meeting people. Uni is great for this if you choose your friends wisely.

 

[ardour]

At this age people are still aloof, not wanting to look as if they're clingy or have emotional ties. This makes looking for new friends tricky, so make sure you aren't really obvious about it.

 

[Darrell_Licht]

Maybe it's a sense of urgency you might be displaying when you interact with another dude that might suggest to them that you're homosexual.

Could be also you live in a region with a less than mature/civil outlook on the matter.. After all why would anybody really bother to ask..


At this point in the game, I think it's best to just behave yourself and treat others more how you like to be treated. Overtly looking to 'clique' is very immature to me. As an adult, you are expected to be more accommodating in a given situation. People will respect you when they see you can address different types of people with no reservations. Just my opinion.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First of all, don't use tsk tsk as a response. lol jk

In my experience those who ask if you are gay are sometimes trying to hide or coverup their own curiosities or homophobic nature. I used to get that a lot myself when I was younger because I was skinny and short and not into sports, and the majority of my friends in high school were girls. For me girls were easier to talk to because there was no "macho bravado" going on and I was raised by my mother with no fatherly influence. Now that the lines of what is considered "masculine" have been blurred a bit that doesn't happen as much. But let me tell you, things I heard later in life about these guys who would call me gay...lets just say they are the ones who should have been asking themselves that instead of picking on someone who wasn't.

Try going places where there might be guys with similar interests as you, stay away from bars though because some might take you politeness the wrong way, and don't strike up conversations with a guy at a urinal/stall next to you. Those are bad places to try and make guy friends.

 

[lonelydoc]

When you go to university you'll make some friends.

Yes loneliness as a man is a problem. We're supposed to be stoic and take it, whereas women confide in each other and their families.

As a man you are supposed to work, keep everything running, and never ask for anything. No wonder so many men are screwed up these days, we have the impossible task.

 

[nerdygirl]

I'll let you in on a secret. It's no walk in the park for adult females to make friends, either!

The good news is that when you go to uni, you'll be surrounded by other people who are also looking for friends. Join clubs. Talk to people you see doing stuff you're into. If you're going to be in a new area, you can easily explain that you just moved there and you don't know anybody yet.

 

[lifestream]

What kind of friends would you like to be making, AmeNoKo?