So many people, yet so alone.

[redsoxpride]

Hey, this is my first ever post, so hello! But anyways, I wanted to just get this off my chest. I don't have many people to talk to about this sort of thing. But I digress. I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends, a girlfriend, and an amazing family, but I still feel so alone. My old bestfriend has turned his back on me, and he was the only one I ever trusted enough to talk to about this sort of thing. My girlfriend doesn't know that anything is wrong, and my family is great, but if I try to talk to my parents about my feelings they act like they're the victims. Kinda like "how dare you feel that way". My feelings of loneliness have also created other problems for me. I have social anxiety as it is, but an overwhelming fear of intimacy has come out of it. I fear intimacy with my girlfriend, and we keep growing farther apart every day. I just could use some help conquering my fears and feelings. I appreciate any and all help.

 

[Ak5]

For off, welcome aboard XD

....Ah backstabbing, it's more common than you think; you just don't have to let it get to you. You can try getting closer to your other friends?

Talk to your girlfriend, that's the primary step. If you don't want to get intimate yet, let it be clear; she might or might not have similar feelings. It's a simple thing as calling her or visiting her, if she really is interested in you she would know.

 

[redsoxpride]

She has expressed her interest in me, and how she wants to take our relationship to the next level. I do too, but my anxiety gets in the way. I have an irrational fear of getting close to people. I fear if I become more intimate and close with my girlfriend, and closer to other friends they would leave. That's been a common theme throughout my life.

 

[Ak5]

Have you had troubles in your past? You don't need to explain if you don't want. Fear of intimacy usually stems from problems in past years.

If you got close to people and they left (in the past), it's a natural response to then fear intimacy with other people (both socially and romantically).

This isn't the past, it's different. Take small steps, slowly start to get closer to people. Talk to your girlfriend, and your other friends. Start hanging out more and more, slowly get more personal.

 

[redsoxpride]

I have actually had some problems in my past...when I was younger, around 10 years old, my mother had a surgery. Everything was fine, but sometime during the recovery process, she got an infection. The stitches didn't close, and the doctors couldn't do much to stop the infection. She was in so much pain, and one night she needed to change her bandages, but my dad was at work, and the rest of our family had pretty much up and left her alone during the whole process. I knew she couldn't do it by herself so I told her I would do it for her...the image of her open wound still bothers me today...five years after it happened it still bothers me...Many nights I could hear her cry herself to sleep, and she often contemplated suicide because of the pain she was in. For an entire 8 months I lived in fear of losing my mother, so I felt the only way to cushion the impact if she did die was to separate myself from her, to try to force myself to not love her anymore so it wouldn't hurt if she died. Not too many people outside of my family have knowledge of this, but it seems like the only logical explanation for my fear.

 

[Okiedokes]

So it sounds like you are afraid of getting close to other people in fear of getting hurt again. Makes sense to me. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you though. Sometimes it's hard to put trust into other people...because of our own fears and we don't want the same hurt again, or we think we should put them at a distance before they do that to us. Yeah, the problem stems from somewhere inside and I guess it's good to let go of it. Otherwise you'll always have that alone feeling. People really do care. I guess when it comes to caring about others, we have to think about ourselves to a certain extent also, put up some boundaries. Doesn't mean you have to push them a mile away though.

 

[roguewave]

I have actually had some problems in my past...when I was younger, around 10 years old, my mother had a surgery. Everything was fine, but sometime during the recovery process, she got an infection. The stitches didn't close, and the doctors couldn't do much to stop the infection. She was in so much pain, and one night she needed to change her bandages, but my dad was at work, and the rest of our family had pretty much up and left her alone during the whole process. I knew she couldn't do it by herself so I told her I would do it for her...the image of her open wound still bothers me today...five years after it happened it still bothers me...Many nights I could hear her cry herself to sleep, and she often contemplated suicide because of the pain she was in. For an entire 8 months I lived in fear of losing my mother, so I felt the only way to cushion the impact if she did die was to separate myself from her, to try to force myself to not love her anymore so it wouldn't hurt if she died. Not too many people outside of my family have knowledge of this, but it seems like the only logical explanation for my fear.

That definitely sounds like a logical explaination of your fear. It totally makes sense that after such a traumatic experience that you would fear getting close to someone in the unfortunate event that you will lose them in the future. So, you are limiting the intimacy in your relationships to keep yourself safe. If you want deeper, more intimate relationships you're going to have to take risks and make yourself vulnerable to maybe feeling the same pain you did when you thought you might lose your mother. I know that sucks, I know.
The good news is that you already have great people in your life. Many of the people on this board have no one, literally no one, so you are ahead of many of us.
Do you think you could begin by coming up with a game plan to introduce more intimacy into your relationship with your girlfriend? Tell her what you told us about your mom. Seriously. You can even print out that post and ask her to read it if you think you might not be able to get the words out. You need to let her know your fears and what's going on before she senses that there are things you're holding back (if she doesn't feel this way already). Get back to us and keep us updated.