Sometimes it can be really painful.

[Tiina63]

Sometimes when someone says something which I know is true, it still hurts. I was at the reading group I go to earlier on today and the others-all of whom are happily married, were chatting about marriage in general. I said that I hated being single and one said that I was better off single than in a bad relationship. I know that this is true, but at the same time I would have welcomed a more sensitive response, one that acknowledged my feelings. Being in my fifties, I have many empty and lonely years to look back over, and I felt dismissed and belittled by her response. I have just had a cry on arriving home and don't feel like going back to the group again.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Tiina *hugs* I'm sorry you are feeling upset. You don't have to go if you don't want to, it's best not to if it's only going to leave you feeling like crap. If only people there could be more understanding of your situation.

 

[Tulip23]

I too am sorry that you are feeling upset. Big hugs from me .
I cannot believe the insensitivity of the ladies in the reading group.They clearly have no idea of your situation as they are too wrapped in their own little bubble.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I hate being single too. I would rather be single than in a bad relationship and I think they're trying to make you feel better by seeing it could be worse. I can definitely relate, I cry most days out of loneliness and have a fear of being alone forever. I do think single people who surround themselves with a social support system such as friends and family are less likely to hate being single but I live alone and therefore wake up to silence, come home to silence and much of my time I am alone and feel isolated. It's not as if I don't have any friends, I do have some girl friends I sometimes get together with. Most of my family members live far away. When you are lonely it's natural to want the physical and emotional closeness and intimacy that you can only find in a relationship, especially if you haven't been hugged in who knows how many months. Touch is an important thing. Some are more or less touchy feely than others but I do think people need it.

 

[Nightwing]

That was an upsetting read. It would be nice if people were more tactful.

On the other hand Tiina... your friend has told you something about their own relationship. If that thought process is at the forefront of their mind... perhaps all is not well in their paradise and they both sympathise and want to reach out to connect. An unhappy relationship can be lonely too. Perhaps there is an undertone of shared loneliness?

 

[Grackle]

Sometimes when someone says something which I know is true, it still hurts. I was at the reading group I go to earlier on today and the others-all of whom are happily married, were chatting about marriage in general. I said that I hated being single and one said that I was better off single than in a bad relationship. I know that this is true, but at the same time I would have welcomed a more sensitive response, one that acknowledged my feelings. Being in my fifties, I have many empty and lonely years to look back over, and I felt dismissed and belittled by her response. I have just had a cry on arriving home and don't feel like going back to the group again.

I've had the EXACT same response to many issues I have. People downplaying other peoples pain. Its insensitive and its a dismissive attitude. They may as well be saying 'oh who cares what you feel.'

 

[Sci-Fi]

Why would you even say that though? Were they complaining about their marriages?

 

[Triple Bogey]

Sometimes when someone says something which I know is true, it still hurts. I was at the reading group I go to earlier on today and the others-all of whom are happily married, were chatting about marriage in general. I said that I hated being single and one said that I was better off single than in a bad relationship. I know that this is true, but at the same time I would have welcomed a more sensitive response, one that acknowledged my feelings. Being in my fifties, I have many empty and lonely years to look back over, and I felt dismissed and belittled by her response. I have just had a cry on arriving home and don't feel like going back to the group again.

I know I might sound harsh but I don't think the comment was that bad. I would definitely go back to the group next week. I don't think the person was being cruel on purpose. I get comments like that and a lot worse every single day at work and I brush them off, doesn't bother me. People say 'don't get married, David' or 'don't have kids' - in general people really chew my head off, argue with everything I say at times.

It really takes a lot for me to get down and depressed. You should try and get like that.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello and thank you to everyone who has replied.
Ladyforsaken-I have just emailed the lady who runs the group to say how her remark made me feel. I was just going to 'disappear' from the group and say nothing, but felt that I would rather let her know. Thank you for your hug. I will let you know if I get a response.
Tulip23-that you for your help and for your hug. I agree with you that often people are in their own little bubbles and are unaware of how they are coming across to others who aren't so lucky in relationships.
Alonewithtwocats-I have and still am trying to build a social network but, as you are also finding, it can be difficult. Like you, I don't have close family-if I had children and siblings, then being single wouldn't bother me too much. I am as isolated as you, and like you I have some friends, but they have their own lives and issues.
Nightwing-the lady who made the remark did have a bad first marriage but has remarried since and is really happy with her second partner. Having said this, who can be sure what is really going on in anyone's relationship? I guess it could be troubled as well behind the scenes.
Grackle-this is exactly what I felt, that she was saying 'who cares?' It is a dismissive and unpleasant attitude and I am sorry that you have been on the receiving end of it as well.
Sci-Fi-no, they weren't complaining about their marriages. In fact, it was the opposite. They talked about feeling totally accepted by their partners, being loved, and spending time quietly together, and this made my feelings of loneliness even worse as I long so much for this acceptance and love myself, and I just came out with how I hated being single. I wish now I had been able to contain it, but my feelings are so close to the surface that when they are touched on, I find it so hard to keep them back.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

As I read this it opened up an awareness that I unconsciously tend to avoid situations that involve being around couples or groups that'll have others talking about their spouses (people who talk disparagingly about their spouses bother me as much as those who gush about theirs).

If it wasn't for Kid I know I'd be very alone in the world- I'm seriously wanting to change that but circumstances haven't made it easy....

I can only imagine how upset you must've been Tiina, nothing like an insensitive comment to set you apart

 

[Veragrace]

I have spent a long time in my relationship. 26 years. I have felt so alone alot of the time. I am only hear to take care of his health issues , while he enjoys his self. A mother never a firend. I'm a very lonely and sad person who has put my life on hold for other folk. Crying as i write this.......

 

[Peaches]

((( hug Veragrace ))))

Tiina, it was a horrible comment, from the outside it sounds like it was stupid rather than mean, and the lady maybe didn't say it to dismiss you but because she has a limited mind and more limited conversation skills she just said the more obvious and overused comment possible, that is "you are better off without". I get that a lot too, sigh
I don't know your lady at the book club, but the people who said that to me were never very bright.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sci-Fi-no, they weren't complaining about their marriages. In fact, it was the opposite. They talked about feeling totally accepted by their partners, being loved, and spending time quietly together, and this made my feelings of loneliness even worse as I long so much for this acceptance and love myself, and I just came out with how I hated being single. I wish now I had been able to contain it, but my feelings are so close to the surface that when they are touched on, I find it so hard to keep them back.

Ah, okay I see why they said what they said. Albeit they could have done it in a more sensitive fashion.

 

[ABrokenMan]

It's really discouraging and irksome at the same time whenever people minimalize your situation and feelings - whether on purpose, or due to insensitivity on their part.