"Sorry to Bother you"

[user 190701]

Does anyone else constantly say, "Sorry to bother you" when they talk to/text/call someone? It's become a bad habit of mine. I assume it's due to low self-esteem?

As I said in my intro, I met a guy a few months ago who I really like, and we text, but every time I text him, I say it. And every time he says "you're not bothering me." Or "no need to apologize - I like talking to you."

Any tips for not doing this?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I say things like that too, some times. I haven't found a good cure for it.

It seems to be a sort of self-deprecating reflex. I have a theory on why that type of behavior comes to be; but, not sure how to solve it.

 

[okidoke]

I don’t know an answer. My mother has been saying it to me for years and no matter how often I tell her she’s not a bother and to not think she ever is, she hasn’t stopped saying it. It annoys me a bit, but I’ve come to just ignore it.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I don’t know an answer. My mother has been saying it to me for years and no matter how often I tell her she’s not a mother and to not think she ever is, she hasn’t stopped saying it. It annoys me a bit, but I’ve come to just ignore it.

You're Your mother's not a mother!?

 

[okidoke]

You're Your mother's not a mother!?

thx for reading carefully

 

[TropicalStarfish]

My theory is that, this sort of behavior, has its roots in a family with a temperamental alcoholic father (though it could be an irritable mother as well). In an environment like that, there is always this thick fog of, 'I hope I don't make a mistake and upset so and so.'

I wasn't raised in an environment like that; but, I believe my mother was. So, it doesn't seem unlikely the mannerisms could be contagious, even if the symptom is no longer present.

I don't think it's something one can just, 'stop doing.' I think it's sort of a state of mind, that precedes and leads to the behavior. Politeness is good; but, the self-deprecating aspect, can probably go.

It's not the worst thing in the world though. Perhaps just taking notice of it, would be a start.

Maybe it's just as simple (or mind bogglingly difficult) as any habit we'd like to change. All kinds of ways and ideas about how to change a habit...

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't do this, but I get it said to me a lot. Quite honestly, it's really annoying to hear. lol

Maybe that's how you stop doing it. Think about how you would feel if someone you enjoyed talking to said it to you over and over again.

 

[user 190701]

I don't do this, but I get it said to me a lot. Quite honestly, it's really annoying to hear. lol

Maybe that's how you stop doing it. Think about how you would feel if someone you enjoyed talking to said it to you over and over again.

Seeing two of you say "it's annoying to hear" actually made me cringe. I'm planning to text him later this week, and I will try my best not to say it.

 

[user 190701]

My theory is that, this sort of behavior, has its roots in a family with a temperamental alcoholic father (though it could be an irritable mother as well). In an environment like that, there is always this thick fog of, 'I hope I don't make a mistake and upset so and so.'

I wasn't raised in an environment like that; but, I believe my mother was. So, it doesn't seem unlikely the mannerisms could be contagious, even if the symptom is no longer present.

I don't think it's something one can just, 'stop doing.' I think it's sort of a state of mind, that precedes and leads to the behavior. Politeness is good; but, the self-deprecating aspect, can probably go.

It's not the worst thing in the world though. Perhaps just taking notice of it, would be a start.

Maybe it's just as simple (or mind bogglingly difficult) as any habit we'd like to change. All kinds of ways and ideas about how to change a habit...

I agree that it has roots in family. I didn't grow up under those circumstances, but I did have a mother who hammered it into me as a kid that I shouldn't bother people. And I have extended family who acts like I am bothering them when I just want to do normal family things. I'm going to try not to do it this week though. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

[Sir Joseph]

Does anyone else constantly say, "Sorry to bother you" when they talk to/text/call someone? It's become a bad habit of mine. I assume it's due to low self-esteem?

As I said in my intro, I met a guy a few months ago who I really like, and we text, but every time I text him, I say it. And every time he says "you're not bothering me." Or "no need to apologize - I like talking to you."

Any tips for not doing this?

If you think about it, you can find another greeting to use that you like and easily cut your unwanted habit out of your text messages. Here's a few short, simple ones that prompt a positive response:

Hello there.
How you doin?
What's up?

Here's a different perspective on the other times when you beg someone's pardon for taking their time or interrupting their lives. I think we all tend to do that to people that we think are more busy or more important than us, so maybe it is a reflection of one's self image. But, it's also a reflection of humbleness, which is a character trait of showing love. From a Christian perspective, I'd consider your humble nature an admirable virtue, not a problem to worry about.

 

[user 139760]

I do it on occasion. I think it comes from actually caring not to bother someone. Natural byproduct of feelings. Maybe not try to do it as much. There's also far worse things on the planet lol

 

[Unsigned]

I do it on occasion. I think it comes from actually caring not to bother someone. Natural byproduct of feelings. Maybe not try to do it as much. There's also far worse things on the planet lol

I do it once in a while too.
But I think the tone of voice matters.
When I say it...it's almost like a challenge...not deferential. But that's just me...

 

[user 190701]

If you think about it, you can find another greeting to use that you like and easily cut your unwanted habit out of your text messages. Here's a few short, simple ones that prompt a positive response:

Hello there.
How you doin?
What's up?

Here's a different perspective on the other times when you beg someone's pardon for taking their time or interrupting their lives. I think we all tend to do that to people that we think are more busy or more important than us, so maybe it is a reflection of one's self image. But, it's also a reflection of humbleness, which is a character trait of showing love. From a Christian perspective, I'd consider your humble nature an admirable virtue, not a problem to worry about.

Thanks. My standard text to this person is "Hey so&so. I hope you are well. I'm sorry to bother you but..." So, maybe I just need to cut it in half.

 

[user 190541]

It's a polite thing to say to someone you're not that intimate with, specially if you have a straightfoward, clear reason to be talking to that person and a practical objective to be accomplished by that, but once you have intimacy, it should undoubtedly be avoided. Naturally, what you ought to do is to think about how the practice of discourse should match the adequacy of a given social situation. For some that can be challenging due to so-called cognitive distortions, but then the problem becomes correcting these distortions in the first place.