B
blak000
Guest
Hello guys! I found this site a few days ago, and have been reading some of the threads around here. I sympathize for many of you, for feeling so alone and depressed. However, I feel that several of you are dealing with it in very wrong ways (e.g., making others out to be the enemy, drowning in self-pity, etc.).
Like many of you, I had a very bad childhood and few friends. I always felt people didn't understand me, and that relationships were so shallow and fragile. It took me some time, but I realized that a lot of the negative things in my life were a result of my frame of mind.
Ever since then, I've worked to improve myself, socially and physically, and it's done wonders for my life. I'm not a social butterfly just yet, but I'm much better at making friends and meeting people. You don't have to be lonely if you don't want to.
Some of you might be thinking, "Hey! I'm perfect just the way I am... it's everyone else that's the problem!" Obviously, that's not the case. There's something wrong with YOU... or at least the way you interact with people. It's definitely time for change, because whatever you've been doing up until now hasn't been working. If you refuse to believe me... fine, just don't be shocked when you're still alone a few years down the line.
So here are some things you guys can do:
1. Learn to love yourself - Many of you guys give various reasons as to why you're alone: social phobia, shyness, because your unattractive, etc. All of those reasons point to one common source: low self-esteem. Learn to love yourself. Love every inch of your being, and realize that you're a special person. How can you expect others to love you if you can't even love yourself? Don't put yourself down, because you're not attractive, or have money, or... whatever reason you've made up for yourself. There are plenty of people that are more ugly or poor than you that have no problem making friends. The reason you're alone is simply because you believe you're not worth anyone else's time, and it translates into your actions.
2. Exercise - Aside from the physical benefits, exercising also provides a huge confidence and ego boost. Try to develop a daily routine, and stick to it. Whether you're overweight or not, there's no reason not to exercise. Some people might laugh or sneer at you; ignore them. It's human nature to pick out flaws in others. Don't let it get to you, though, and just stick to what you're doing. In 6 months, you'll be more fit, and they'll have nothing to laugh at anymore. Don't resort to "miracle workouts" or other stuff you see on TV. Go out and do your research. Find reputable exercise/dieting guides. If you don't have money to buy a book, then go to the library. You have no excuse not to work out. As soon as you have the cash, go buy yourself some decent weight equipment. Also, don't be discouraged when your body doesn't magically change after a month; change takes time. If you're wondering how long you should work out for, then you've already got the wrong mentality; exercise should be a lifestyle change. This is something to do for the rest of your life.
3. Work on your social skills - If you're not good with people, then work to change that. You can't expect people to magically warm up to you. Go out and buy books on social skills. One book I'd like to recommend is: "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. There are lots of helpful tips in there, and it's only $7-8 off Amazon.com. Also, it's been in print for over 50 years, so that's saying something, right? Envying others for their charm isn't going to help you in any way. You have to go out there and get it yourself. Believe me, there is plenty of material dedicated to this subject.
4. Stop being so picky about other people - I've seen a thread or two where posters were going on about how other people are so shallow or uncaring. I've got some bad news for you: you're not that different; neither am I. Those posters accuse people of being selfish and uncaring, and then go on about how nobody understands THEM. Those posters go on about how people are shallow, but aren't we all attracted to good-looking people? Of course, we don't bow down and worship attractive people, but everyone of us is aware of what is beautiful and what isn't. Everyone of us is flattered if a very attractive person likes us. We're ALL shallow to some degree. It's simply human nature.
We also have other things in common with "them," as well: we all desire companionship and love (you guys should know this better than anyone), enjoy compliments, and want to be understood -- every single one of us. We might differ in interests and how we deal with things, but we're all alike on an emotional level. Is it really so important that a person doesn't like EVERY SINGLE THING you do? Why does that have to be a requirement just to be friends? My point is: stop trying to find negative things or differences between you and everyone else. If you try to look for something bad in someone, you'll almost always find it.
5. Learn to love yourself - I know I repeated myself, but only because it's that important.
6. Exude Confidence - Act in a confident manner. Maintain a good posture, speak confidently and clearly, and smile. People are attracted to confidence and friendliness. Even if you don't necessarily feel like the greatest person on Earth, always try to act confident. Everybody is insecure to some degree, even someone who is attractive or charming. The difference is, that person doesn't let those insecurities control his/her actions. People only know what you show them. If you act confident, people will believe you are; however, if you think people will hate you, then those thoughts will be written all over your face. Would YOU want to talk to someone who was always beating himself up and has a scowl on his face?
7. Study your own body language - Many people don't realize this, but a large portion of what they're saying isn't coming from their mouths; their body is doing a lot of the talking. Read up on body language, and take some time to find out whether or not you're sending the wrong signals. Know the difference between "open" guestures (e.g., open palms, smiles, etc.) and "closed" guestures (e.g., crossed arms, scowls, etc.). Train yourself to have "open" guestures while you talk. You might think this sounds silly, but it is actually quite effective in making people feel comfortable around you.
8. Take initiative - Don't expect people (friends or those of the opposite sex) to just fall in your lap. That's a silly way to think. You have to take initiative in meeting people. If you're in school, join a club. If you've already graduated, then join some type of organization where people have similar interests as you. Believe me, there are meetings and clubs for EVERYTHING -- you just have to go out and find them. You'll be able to meet all kinds of people, and it'll be easier since you guys share a similar interest. If you have a fear of talking, then join Toastmasters. It's a club aimed at improving public speech. If you can conquer your fear of stage fright, then talking to people normally will be a cinch.
If you're in your 20's and you've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, then get off your butt and go talk to some. If you tend to freeze up around girls/guys you like, then find some you don't like... to have as friends. Having friends of the opposite sex can help you in several ways: they can get help you become less tense around other girls/guys, teach you how to interact better with them, and also help you meet MORE people of the opposite sex (by introducing you to THEIR friends). In fact, by being introduced by your friend... you'll already have one foot through the door: if that girl/guy is friends with you, then you can't be all that bad, right?
9. Dress nicely - If you have a tendency to throw on whatever you have in the closet, then you shouldn't be surprised when people try to avoid you (especially the opposite sex). Would you want to talk to someone who just looked like they walked out of a cave, or dressed like a drunken lama? Of course not! Always dress well, and groom regularly. If you have trouble with things like this, then ask a more fashionable friend for some tips. He or she will LOVE the fact that you asked, since you pretty much paid that person a compliment. I would shy away from gloomy wear, if I were you. Goth and emo clothing is only cool to other goth and emo kids... and that's a very small crowd. If you really feel that strongly about it, then do it. But just like everything else, don't be surprised if most people don't give you a pleasant response. I'm not saying you should dress like you walked out of a Abercrombie catalog... but dress in a nice, fashionable manner that doesn't put other people off or make them feel uncomfortable (e.g., having your face painted like the Crow). You might say, "But that's who I AM!" Believe me, you won't be dressing like that once you graduate from college; nobody will hire you. You're going to have to dress more "normal" sooner or later -- might as well make it sooner. I'm not telling you to conform... you can dress nice and still retain your own sense of style.
10. Learn to take a compliment - When someone says something nice to you, don't immediately think "this person is so fake." Just take it graciously, even if you know that it may not be completely truthful. That person didn't have to say something nice, but did anyways. Be thankful, if not for the compliment itself, then for the effort the person put forth in giving it.
11. Get rid of negative people - This is extremely important. There are many negative people out there. You know who they are: the ones who always seem to put people down or laugh at other peoples' expense. Avoid them like the plague. Whether you realize it or not, those negative people are probably putting you down, too. If they're not doing it to your face, then they're most certainly doing it behind your back. Eliminate those people from your life. Oftentimes, they're also miserable people with low self-esteem. In order to make themselves feel better, they try to point out flaws in other people. That is not the route you want to take. Focus on improving yourself, rather than hating on others. If that person happens to be in your family... then there's not much you can do. Try to talk to that family member, and explain that what he/she says is hurting your feelings. If that doesn't work, then just try to stay out of that person's way as often as possible. As soon as you have a steady job, move out of the house. Negative people are like poison; they'll destroy your life if they can, and drag you down with them. In my experience, the only type of people who hang around with negative people are ones with extremely low self-esteem, who put up with the abuse simply because they don't want to be alone. Is that what you REALLY want, when there are so many nice people out there?
12. Realize that people aren't sizing you up - When you meet other people, remember that they're not "out to get you" or judging you. Don't worry about what they might be thinking of you, but simply focus on getting to know them. Put on your best smile, and just try to have a good time. Any self-doubt or insecurity will translate itself on your face or through your body.
13. Learn to have a good time - I'm not talking about parties, but with people. When you go out with other people, learn to enjoy their company. Don't seek people so you won't feel lonely; do it because you want to see them. In other words, don't only think of how their presence can benefit you, but just relax and have a laugh with them.
14. Go learn a hobby - If you don't consider yourself interesting (look at tips 1 and 5), then go out and get a hobby. Find something that interests you, and work at improving yourself at it. You'll find it to be immensely satisfying and rewarding. If you don't know what to do, I'd strongly recommend learning how to dance. Dancing is something you can learn in the privacy of your own home, and doesn't cost any money to learn (they have plenty of tutorials on Youtube). Plus, it can also serve as a great ice breaker. Once you get really good, you can just dance at a party. Afterwards, people will be so impressed that they'll just come up and talk to you on their own.
15. Be able to laugh at yourself - If you ever do something stupid or silly, don't beat yourself up about it. That accomplishes nothing, and only causes you to feel bad about yourself. Everybody does something stupid or embarrassing at one point or another. You can't get hung up on it all the time. You should also learn to apply this principle when around other people. If someone says something that sounds negative about you, just laugh it off. Who knows? Maybe that person was just teasing you, and if not, what good will getting angry do? People will admire you for not getting "baited" by some idiot. Be the bigger person, and laugh it off.
16. Don't beat yourself up over rejection - This is very similar to tip 15, but I think it deserves its own number. If you try to be friends with someone (or hit on someone), and that person doesn't return your interest remember that it's OK. Don't start wondering what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you said something that person didn't like (which you can change the next time you talk to someone) or maybe that person didn't feel you had enough in common. It happens all the time. The important thing is to smile and move on. If you obsess over each and every encounter, it'll just cause you extra stress. Also, people can sense when someone is clingy or putting too much weight into each encounter. It's a big turn-off... regardless of what type of relationship you're after. Even a really lonely person will think twice if they meet someone who seems really possessive or obsessive.
Anyways... I hope this helps some of you in improving your social life. Try your best to stay positive, and remember that the world isn't all that bad a place. Go out there and take control of your life. Shape your own destiny, and remember: there are many great people out there, if you're only willing to meet them.
Also, don't try to tackle everything at once. I know it might seem a bit overwhelming, so just take it one step at a time. I've improved on all these things, but it took me a few years!
Like many of you, I had a very bad childhood and few friends. I always felt people didn't understand me, and that relationships were so shallow and fragile. It took me some time, but I realized that a lot of the negative things in my life were a result of my frame of mind.
Ever since then, I've worked to improve myself, socially and physically, and it's done wonders for my life. I'm not a social butterfly just yet, but I'm much better at making friends and meeting people. You don't have to be lonely if you don't want to.
Some of you might be thinking, "Hey! I'm perfect just the way I am... it's everyone else that's the problem!" Obviously, that's not the case. There's something wrong with YOU... or at least the way you interact with people. It's definitely time for change, because whatever you've been doing up until now hasn't been working. If you refuse to believe me... fine, just don't be shocked when you're still alone a few years down the line.
So here are some things you guys can do:
1. Learn to love yourself - Many of you guys give various reasons as to why you're alone: social phobia, shyness, because your unattractive, etc. All of those reasons point to one common source: low self-esteem. Learn to love yourself. Love every inch of your being, and realize that you're a special person. How can you expect others to love you if you can't even love yourself? Don't put yourself down, because you're not attractive, or have money, or... whatever reason you've made up for yourself. There are plenty of people that are more ugly or poor than you that have no problem making friends. The reason you're alone is simply because you believe you're not worth anyone else's time, and it translates into your actions.
2. Exercise - Aside from the physical benefits, exercising also provides a huge confidence and ego boost. Try to develop a daily routine, and stick to it. Whether you're overweight or not, there's no reason not to exercise. Some people might laugh or sneer at you; ignore them. It's human nature to pick out flaws in others. Don't let it get to you, though, and just stick to what you're doing. In 6 months, you'll be more fit, and they'll have nothing to laugh at anymore. Don't resort to "miracle workouts" or other stuff you see on TV. Go out and do your research. Find reputable exercise/dieting guides. If you don't have money to buy a book, then go to the library. You have no excuse not to work out. As soon as you have the cash, go buy yourself some decent weight equipment. Also, don't be discouraged when your body doesn't magically change after a month; change takes time. If you're wondering how long you should work out for, then you've already got the wrong mentality; exercise should be a lifestyle change. This is something to do for the rest of your life.
3. Work on your social skills - If you're not good with people, then work to change that. You can't expect people to magically warm up to you. Go out and buy books on social skills. One book I'd like to recommend is: "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. There are lots of helpful tips in there, and it's only $7-8 off Amazon.com. Also, it's been in print for over 50 years, so that's saying something, right? Envying others for their charm isn't going to help you in any way. You have to go out there and get it yourself. Believe me, there is plenty of material dedicated to this subject.
4. Stop being so picky about other people - I've seen a thread or two where posters were going on about how other people are so shallow or uncaring. I've got some bad news for you: you're not that different; neither am I. Those posters accuse people of being selfish and uncaring, and then go on about how nobody understands THEM. Those posters go on about how people are shallow, but aren't we all attracted to good-looking people? Of course, we don't bow down and worship attractive people, but everyone of us is aware of what is beautiful and what isn't. Everyone of us is flattered if a very attractive person likes us. We're ALL shallow to some degree. It's simply human nature.
We also have other things in common with "them," as well: we all desire companionship and love (you guys should know this better than anyone), enjoy compliments, and want to be understood -- every single one of us. We might differ in interests and how we deal with things, but we're all alike on an emotional level. Is it really so important that a person doesn't like EVERY SINGLE THING you do? Why does that have to be a requirement just to be friends? My point is: stop trying to find negative things or differences between you and everyone else. If you try to look for something bad in someone, you'll almost always find it.
5. Learn to love yourself - I know I repeated myself, but only because it's that important.
6. Exude Confidence - Act in a confident manner. Maintain a good posture, speak confidently and clearly, and smile. People are attracted to confidence and friendliness. Even if you don't necessarily feel like the greatest person on Earth, always try to act confident. Everybody is insecure to some degree, even someone who is attractive or charming. The difference is, that person doesn't let those insecurities control his/her actions. People only know what you show them. If you act confident, people will believe you are; however, if you think people will hate you, then those thoughts will be written all over your face. Would YOU want to talk to someone who was always beating himself up and has a scowl on his face?
7. Study your own body language - Many people don't realize this, but a large portion of what they're saying isn't coming from their mouths; their body is doing a lot of the talking. Read up on body language, and take some time to find out whether or not you're sending the wrong signals. Know the difference between "open" guestures (e.g., open palms, smiles, etc.) and "closed" guestures (e.g., crossed arms, scowls, etc.). Train yourself to have "open" guestures while you talk. You might think this sounds silly, but it is actually quite effective in making people feel comfortable around you.
8. Take initiative - Don't expect people (friends or those of the opposite sex) to just fall in your lap. That's a silly way to think. You have to take initiative in meeting people. If you're in school, join a club. If you've already graduated, then join some type of organization where people have similar interests as you. Believe me, there are meetings and clubs for EVERYTHING -- you just have to go out and find them. You'll be able to meet all kinds of people, and it'll be easier since you guys share a similar interest. If you have a fear of talking, then join Toastmasters. It's a club aimed at improving public speech. If you can conquer your fear of stage fright, then talking to people normally will be a cinch.
If you're in your 20's and you've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, then get off your butt and go talk to some. If you tend to freeze up around girls/guys you like, then find some you don't like... to have as friends. Having friends of the opposite sex can help you in several ways: they can get help you become less tense around other girls/guys, teach you how to interact better with them, and also help you meet MORE people of the opposite sex (by introducing you to THEIR friends). In fact, by being introduced by your friend... you'll already have one foot through the door: if that girl/guy is friends with you, then you can't be all that bad, right?
9. Dress nicely - If you have a tendency to throw on whatever you have in the closet, then you shouldn't be surprised when people try to avoid you (especially the opposite sex). Would you want to talk to someone who just looked like they walked out of a cave, or dressed like a drunken lama? Of course not! Always dress well, and groom regularly. If you have trouble with things like this, then ask a more fashionable friend for some tips. He or she will LOVE the fact that you asked, since you pretty much paid that person a compliment. I would shy away from gloomy wear, if I were you. Goth and emo clothing is only cool to other goth and emo kids... and that's a very small crowd. If you really feel that strongly about it, then do it. But just like everything else, don't be surprised if most people don't give you a pleasant response. I'm not saying you should dress like you walked out of a Abercrombie catalog... but dress in a nice, fashionable manner that doesn't put other people off or make them feel uncomfortable (e.g., having your face painted like the Crow). You might say, "But that's who I AM!" Believe me, you won't be dressing like that once you graduate from college; nobody will hire you. You're going to have to dress more "normal" sooner or later -- might as well make it sooner. I'm not telling you to conform... you can dress nice and still retain your own sense of style.
10. Learn to take a compliment - When someone says something nice to you, don't immediately think "this person is so fake." Just take it graciously, even if you know that it may not be completely truthful. That person didn't have to say something nice, but did anyways. Be thankful, if not for the compliment itself, then for the effort the person put forth in giving it.
11. Get rid of negative people - This is extremely important. There are many negative people out there. You know who they are: the ones who always seem to put people down or laugh at other peoples' expense. Avoid them like the plague. Whether you realize it or not, those negative people are probably putting you down, too. If they're not doing it to your face, then they're most certainly doing it behind your back. Eliminate those people from your life. Oftentimes, they're also miserable people with low self-esteem. In order to make themselves feel better, they try to point out flaws in other people. That is not the route you want to take. Focus on improving yourself, rather than hating on others. If that person happens to be in your family... then there's not much you can do. Try to talk to that family member, and explain that what he/she says is hurting your feelings. If that doesn't work, then just try to stay out of that person's way as often as possible. As soon as you have a steady job, move out of the house. Negative people are like poison; they'll destroy your life if they can, and drag you down with them. In my experience, the only type of people who hang around with negative people are ones with extremely low self-esteem, who put up with the abuse simply because they don't want to be alone. Is that what you REALLY want, when there are so many nice people out there?
12. Realize that people aren't sizing you up - When you meet other people, remember that they're not "out to get you" or judging you. Don't worry about what they might be thinking of you, but simply focus on getting to know them. Put on your best smile, and just try to have a good time. Any self-doubt or insecurity will translate itself on your face or through your body.
13. Learn to have a good time - I'm not talking about parties, but with people. When you go out with other people, learn to enjoy their company. Don't seek people so you won't feel lonely; do it because you want to see them. In other words, don't only think of how their presence can benefit you, but just relax and have a laugh with them.
14. Go learn a hobby - If you don't consider yourself interesting (look at tips 1 and 5), then go out and get a hobby. Find something that interests you, and work at improving yourself at it. You'll find it to be immensely satisfying and rewarding. If you don't know what to do, I'd strongly recommend learning how to dance. Dancing is something you can learn in the privacy of your own home, and doesn't cost any money to learn (they have plenty of tutorials on Youtube). Plus, it can also serve as a great ice breaker. Once you get really good, you can just dance at a party. Afterwards, people will be so impressed that they'll just come up and talk to you on their own.
15. Be able to laugh at yourself - If you ever do something stupid or silly, don't beat yourself up about it. That accomplishes nothing, and only causes you to feel bad about yourself. Everybody does something stupid or embarrassing at one point or another. You can't get hung up on it all the time. You should also learn to apply this principle when around other people. If someone says something that sounds negative about you, just laugh it off. Who knows? Maybe that person was just teasing you, and if not, what good will getting angry do? People will admire you for not getting "baited" by some idiot. Be the bigger person, and laugh it off.
16. Don't beat yourself up over rejection - This is very similar to tip 15, but I think it deserves its own number. If you try to be friends with someone (or hit on someone), and that person doesn't return your interest remember that it's OK. Don't start wondering what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you said something that person didn't like (which you can change the next time you talk to someone) or maybe that person didn't feel you had enough in common. It happens all the time. The important thing is to smile and move on. If you obsess over each and every encounter, it'll just cause you extra stress. Also, people can sense when someone is clingy or putting too much weight into each encounter. It's a big turn-off... regardless of what type of relationship you're after. Even a really lonely person will think twice if they meet someone who seems really possessive or obsessive.
Anyways... I hope this helps some of you in improving your social life. Try your best to stay positive, and remember that the world isn't all that bad a place. Go out there and take control of your life. Shape your own destiny, and remember: there are many great people out there, if you're only willing to meet them.
Also, don't try to tackle everything at once. I know it might seem a bit overwhelming, so just take it one step at a time. I've improved on all these things, but it took me a few years!
