Stop me if you've heard this: I don't know how to talk to girls

[VanillaCreme]

Getting back to the thread topic - if this guy doesn't learn how to talk to girls, he's probably not going to get a relationship. And he seems to want one. What would be the better course of action? Change who he thinks he is to being someone who can talk to girls and learns how to do so, or tweaks his expectations and resigns himself to being single for the rest of his life?

Tweaking one's outlook sounds too close to giving up on happiness and dreams. I mean where does it end? How low do you let things go? I'd rather learn to be better than convince myself to be okay with things I am not. And there is a lot in this world that I am not okay with.

“If you don't know what you want...you end up with a lot you don't.”

- Chuck Pahlaniuk

Not knowing how to talk to someone doesn't mean never being in a relationship. It's just not true. If it happened every time, to every person, then I'd agree. But it's not always true. You seem to think that if someone doesn't get what they want right when they want it, then they're doing something wrong. That's not it. It's the simple fact that liking someone doesn't mean they're obligated to reciprocate. It would be nice, but not necessary. Women don't owe dates to guys who call them pretty.

You can know what you want in life, and that's fantastic that you do have standards and goals for yourself. I'm not shooting that down. But you tend to drag things through the mud just because they're not up to your standards. There's no need for that. Okay, so you don't like Sue Booze, even though she showed some interest. I get that. But how do you feel when you think of the girl you like dismissing you? You're every bit as harsh when you look someone up and down and deem them not fit enough for your measurements.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You seem to think that if someone doesn't get what they want right when they want it, then they're doing something wrong....

You can know what you want in life, and that's fantastic that you do have standards and goals for yourself. I'm not shooting that down. But you tend to drag things through the mud just because they're not up to your standards. There's no need for that. Okay, so you don't like Sue Booze, even though she showed some interest. I get that. But how do you feel when you think of the girl you like dismissing you? You're every bit as harsh when you look someone up and down and deem them not fit enough for your measurements.

Well, I do think that if you don't get what you want, then yes, it is because you are doing something wrong. However, having been dismissed myself I know it's not a good feeling. Perhaps you are right when you say I dismiss people too harshly. I know it's my fault when I get dismissed, it's because I'm not living up to my potential and because of that, I am not up to her standards. I am not even up to my own. I took some time to think about this today and I concluded that I have a long way to go before I am even close to deserving a relationship.

I don't want to argue with you. I think I need to not talk or think about relationships until I become someone else.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. There's no harm or crime in not reciprocating someone's feelings. What if she told you that you are up to her standards, but it's you she doesn't like? It's possible to like everything about someone, yet have no interest in them romantically.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. There's no harm or crime in not reciprocating someone's feelings. What if she told you that you are up to her standards, but it's you she doesn't like? It's possible to like everything about someone, yet have no interest in them romantically.

If you like everything about them but not be interested romantically, then you don't actually like everything about them. You like everything about them except whatever it is they are doing wrong or just missing. It is because they are not triggering attraction in you because their looks, personality, and how they are showing up in the world is either wrong to you, or insufficient.

Saying that someone just doesn't like you is very disempowering because it doesn't help a person figure out how to fix whatever it is they are doing incorrectly. Things don't work out, or not, for no reason.

Also, I'd say rejection is situational. If someone bothers to fix whatever it is that's wrong with them and actually changes who they are, then they are someone new. I don't see why they wouldn't be able to get someone to view them in a more positive way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. There's no harm or crime in not reciprocating someone's feelings. What if she told you that you are up to her standards, but it's you she doesn't like? It's possible to like everything about someone, yet have no interest in them romantically.

If you like everything about them but not be interested romantically, then you don't actually like everything about them. You like everything about them except whatever it is they are doing wrong or just missing. It is because they are not triggering attraction in you because their looks, personality, and how they are showing up in the world is either wrong to you, or insufficient.

Saying that someone just doesn't like you is very disempowering because it doesn't help a person figure out how to fix whatever it is they are doing incorrectly. Things don't work out, or not, for no reason.

Also, I'd say rejection is situational. If someone bothers to fix whatever it is that's wrong with them and actually changes who they are, then they are someone new. I don't see why they wouldn't be able to get someone to view them in a more positive way.

You can like everything about someone and feel no romantic interest in them. You mean to tell me that you feel something romantic for every one of your friends? Surely you like people that you don't feel anything romantically for.

It's not really that harsh to say that you just don't feel anything for someone, or that you just don't like them in that way. It doesn't mean that there's something to "fix". It doesn't mean that the person is "broken" in any way. I think it's rather harsh to suggest that something is wrong with someone simply because they don't return feelings.

It's nothing to do with negative or positive views. Sometimes people feel things, and sometimes they don't.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You can like everything about someone and feel no romantic interest in them. You mean to tell me that you feel something romantic for every one of your friends? Surely you like people that you don't feel anything romantically for.

For people that are in my family, I don't have any interest in them because they are family members. For my friends that are guys, I don't feel anything romantically for them because they are guys. For my friends that are women, I don't feel anything romantically for them because they don't have specific traits I'm looking for in a woman, or they have the traits but not enough. At least, what I am looking for in a woman at this time, anyway.

Either way, there is always a reason.

 

[Rainbows]

Okay. I disagree. There's plenty of people I like very much but I have no interest in romantically.
You also know that if someone rejects you it's not necessarily because you're not 'living up to your full potential'? I mean, there's plenty of reasons why someone could reject someone. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to change yourself or better yourself. There's many guys I've rejected and even if they "fixed" themselves, which is in my opinion a non existing thing because a person is not broken, just themselves, then they are just fake. You don't want a fake person. If a person doesn't like you for the real you, why even bother? lol..

To the original poster - how to talk to girls is easy.. forget that they are girls. Eh. I don't know. I used to be scared of talking to people in general.. Meh, now I talk to strangers and important people all day every day and I enjoy it. I guess it's something you get used to once you are thrown into it.

 

[MrPaul]

Okay. I disagree. There's plenty of people I like very much but I have no interest in romantically.
You also know that if someone rejects you it's not necessarily because you're not 'living up to your full potential'? I mean, there's plenty of reasons why someone could reject someone. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to change yourself or better yourself. There's many guys I've rejected and even if they "fixed" themselves, which is in my opinion a non existing thing because a person is not broken, just themselves, then they are just fake. You don't want a fake person. If a person doesn't like you for the real you, why even bother? lol..

To the original poster - how to talk to girls is easy.. forget that they are girls. Eh. I don't know. I used to be scared of talking to people in general.. Meh, now I talk to strangers and important people all day every day and I enjoy it. I guess it's something you get used to once you are thrown into it.

Thread Re-Railed, Well Done

I would have to agree, disregarding gender to converse with a person could help. If its of a great severity, you could try video chatting with people or voice chatting, this has helped as a stepping stone for people in the past (for social problems in general)

 

[VanillaCreme]

I would have to agree, disregarding gender to converse with a person could help. If its of a great severity, you could try video chatting with people or voice chatting, this has helped as a stepping stone for people in the past (for social problems in general)

Yeah, voice chatting may really help. I suppose not having to see or look at people may help some loosen up a bit.

 

[Ymir]

I think the most important part of talking to girls is regarding them as human beings. Sexually attractive human beings, sure, but human beings first, not some kind of mythical creature who is going to eat your head off if you start conversation the wrong way. Plus it's really easy to show you are interested in them romantically and a lot of them have nothing to do with conversation: body language and tone of voice are important too.

There's no formula, really.

 

[Rainbows]

Haha, yeah... It's crazy. 99% of my friends are male and socially awkward. I'm very talkative and usually break the ice. Nice to see people come out of their shell and guess what, gasp, I'm a girl.

 

[Case]

I think the most important part of talking to girls is regarding them as human beings. Sexually attractive human beings, sure, but human beings first, not some kind of mythical creature who is going to eat your head off if you start conversation the wrong way. Plus it's really easy to show you are interested in them romantically and a lot of them have nothing to do with conversation: body language and tone of voice are important too.

^^^This. Very well said.

Awkward guys seem to place girls on such a high pedestal that she becomes something scary to them. Girls are not scary. They have many of the same strengths and weaknesses, desires and pet-peeves, fears and phobias, that guys have, and it makes us all completely human. If you can talk to your guy friends, you can talk to girls. It's not difficult, but it takes practice.

 

[barky]

I think the most important part of talking to girls is regarding them as human beings. Sexually attractive human beings, sure, but human beings first, not some kind of mythical creature who is going to eat your head off if you start conversation the wrong way. Plus it's really easy to show you are interested in them romantically and a lot of them have nothing to do with conversation: body language and tone of voice are important too.

There's no formula, really.

+1 for Mythical Creatures.

 

[ardour]

I think the most important part of talking to girls is regarding them as human beings. Sexually attractive human beings, sure, but human beings first, not some kind of mythical creature who is going to eat your head off if you start conversation the wrong way. Plus it's really easy to show you are interested in them romantically and a lot of them have nothing to do with conversation: body language and tone of voice are important too.

There's no formula, really.

No there's no one formula that works, but it's certainly clear when things aren't working; fake placating smiles, awkward silences - refusal to push the conversation along or ask questions.

In my experience about half the women I've met have a huge ego driven victim complex, one that says men want them; want to use them. And the uglier and more awkward the guy is, the more likely he's a creep who "wants something". How can you relate normally when this warped mentality is at play? It's foremost in their minds, not conversation.

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Awkward guys seem to place girls on such a high pedestal that she becomes something scary to them. Girls are not scary. They have many of the same strengths and weaknesses, desires and pet-peeves, fears and phobias, that guys have, and it makes us all completely human. If you can talk to your guy friends, you can talk to girls. It's not difficult, but it takes practice.

What's scary is not who they are, but what they think, and the level of contempt you will receive if you somehow make a bad impression, which is very easy as there appear to be endless ways of doing it. By the way, practice requires someone give you a chance, while practice on people who are more accepting doesn't necessarily help as it doesn't require you to change anything about your approach.