trZ
Well-known member
Allright, I've never been to a shrink som this might get long. Actually I have but we'll tap into that later. (Sorry for a some what lacking english you guys)
*mod edit*
*mod edit*
So, I entered a pretty deep depression - At least i feel it was pretty deep. New school, new class - time to meet some new friends. Well, not for me. I didn't talk anymore, I always looked down. Hell, I didn't even shower during the worst period. And I guess you could guess what I brought upon myself. Oh yeah also I stopped all activity and ate A LOT. So I gained weight ridiculously fast. I got bullied a lot. Or well, more like really nasty comments, mostly about my weight and the fact that I smelled.
Back at home, my sister had some issues on her own. Anorexia, cutting her self and whatever. All this obviously put my father in a difficult spot, and he did his best, I must say... But, like 6 months after my mother died, my sister left the family and joined a woman that wanted to take care of her (my sister lied to the authorities about the conditions at home). This was for the best anyways. Me and my father obviously had some problems of our own. Allright fresia I'll try to make this possible to read.
*mod edit*
________________________________________________________
School:
I ******* sucked. Got picked on, got shitty grades and oftentimes I just didn't go. I came out of middle school with bad grades, and it was time to join a high school. In *mod edit* you have a right to get into a school no matter how bad your grades are. I got into a vocational school. It sucked, it wasn't for me, and so after 6 months I just quit. This was around February 2010. This school was far away from where i grew up, and although I did get to know some people there (some of which I am still friends with today), I'd much rather go to school where all those i knew from elimentary school went. So, I got into the high school where I grew up. Obviously I had to go in a class where everyone was one year younger than me, but they were all really nice and I knew so many from that school and so this year I really enjoyed.. Kindof.
____________________________________________________
Sleeping problem:
I do not know if this is because of my depression, if it is because i spend a lot of time infront of the computer, if its because there is no sun here in the winter.. I have no idea and its annoying. Some times, I get real motivated. I want to change my life, I want to do what is expected of me. I want to get that education! These were my thoughts fall of 2009. But, my problem with sleeping hit me, even though I tried hard. Basicly, my problem is this: I often can't sleep no matter what, and when I do sleep no alarm can waken me. I can sleep for 20+ hours even though I am not deprived. I can also be awake like forever, and still I can't sleep at night. I can go a couple of weeks with a good sleep schedule, but the problems always return. I have tried everything except the most logical answer: Seeing the doctor.
I don't really need help on this part, I know everything there is, almost.
_________________________________________________________
The computer:
Remeber I said my father bought me a computer? Yeah, he did. And I played on it A LOT. Mostly counter strike online. The game is basicly 5 guys playing 5 other guys, you got some objectives (mainly to just kill them off 16 times before they can kill your team of 16 times) and then you win. There is a competitive enviroment and I've won some money doing it.
The reason this is relevant is first off because I have played this game since 2006, and I stopped playing it in 2010. In other words, it has played a big part in my teenage life. Looking back, I have split feelings about it all.. It ruined me. I had few friends, actually just one, that I met on a regular basis. I skipped school to play the game, hell I skipped EVERYTHING to play this game. This game kept me from being physically active, it kept me from caring about anything except the game.
But then theres the other part. This game gave me confidence. I got quite good, and I met friends online which I later met in real life. The community around the game was quite friendly, and obviously no one could pick on me for anything other than my skill in the game, which was quite good. So when I played online, I was happy. I got accepted, I saw all these other thousands of people trying to get good at this game which I was so good in. It gave me confidence, especially when I saw people sucking up to me for being good. Look, I'm sure ya'll get the point: I was a loser in real life, but online I was famous. I've changed my game over to something not so time consuming because its 1v1 and one does not need to plan with other people when to play etc. Its not really a problem anymore.
_____________________________________________
So where am I now? Well, when i went to high school last semester, i got a crush on this girl and lost some weight. I think i peaked at about 280lbs, and when i started training i lost maybe 10 lbs. I gave up after like a month, and went back to doing nothing until march 2010. Me and my cousin (he's the same age as me) started working out together. I lift weights and run/jog. This, combined with a healthy diet has enabled me to lose about 60lbs, and I'm still losing fat whilst gaining some strength. This is all well and good, but my teenage years has left me a very lonely person. With depression all the time (varying in severity), I've avoid hanging out with friends. On big celebrations like new years eve I meet everyone again, everyone seems very happy to see me, and I feel very accepted. I have no enemies, everyone I interact with seems to like me, I have lots of acquaintances.
But, I still feel that I've got some kind of social anxiety. In social situations, friends or strangers, I don't get nervous, I get along fine. I don't know what it is, but I just don't want to be with people.. Often times, when some of my friends call me, I just ignore them. I try to call back when I kind of feel better, but often I just.. Don't want to ******* talk to them. Actually, often times i dont want to talk to anyone. The thing is, no one knows that I'm lonely. No one knows that I'm hurting inside. I've told my cousin that I had some issues in middle school, but he does not know I have these problems today. My sister, my father. Nobody knows. Sometimes its just to much. I get all emotional, and although I haven't cried or anything like that, I get this feeling of nothingness inside, and I feel that there is no way in hell this will ever end. Its been like this since my mother died (6 years), and it will never end. My life is falling apart, the opportunities that I'm given, I'm wasting.
This summer me and a group of friends + two guys I met online went to this music festival in Denmark. I had a blast, it was great and for the first time I felt good again. I had a great vacation, at home my life felt stable and I was losing weight. Well, after the summer, which is like couple of months ago, depression hit me again and here I am.
Now I'm attending a private high school after I messed up two years of the public school thingy. It's going OK. I'm a smart kid, I'll get good grades, and although i have problems attending class because of the sleep issue, its okay because my grades are decided by an exam and nothing else.
Knowing my story, I'm sure you have all guessed that my experience with girls are zip. Nothing. I've been pretty good at ignoring this, but lately its bugged me increasingly. After losing weight I look myself in the mirror, but I can't make up my mind if I'm looking okay, good, or just ******* repulsive. I have absolutely no idea. This gives me no help in my quest to get girls, because I have no idea who's in my league, and I'm to afraid to miss completely and go out of my league (up or down, dont matter), so I kindof just never take the initiative in social situations. Seeing how I try to live as healthy as i can, i never go out drinking, and since I just sit at home all day I don't really get that many chances to speak to women, and when i'm kind of counting on THEM hitting on ME because I'm to insecure to approach them, I think a qualified guess on my chances to get someone is right up there in the 0,0001% range. Make no mistake tho, I can talk to girls. I guess I got a sense of humor, I can be upbeat, and mostly I get good signals from those I talk to. So my main problem here is, I don't know if im ******* ugly or ok-looking, and I'm not taking any chances here, I can't afford getting hurt.
******* hell, I could write much more here but I got a lot of my chest - A first. It felt good. I have no idea what you guys are supposed to do with this post, but if you feel like replying to my thread feel free.
*mod edit*
*mod edit*
So, I entered a pretty deep depression - At least i feel it was pretty deep. New school, new class - time to meet some new friends. Well, not for me. I didn't talk anymore, I always looked down. Hell, I didn't even shower during the worst period. And I guess you could guess what I brought upon myself. Oh yeah also I stopped all activity and ate A LOT. So I gained weight ridiculously fast. I got bullied a lot. Or well, more like really nasty comments, mostly about my weight and the fact that I smelled.
Back at home, my sister had some issues on her own. Anorexia, cutting her self and whatever. All this obviously put my father in a difficult spot, and he did his best, I must say... But, like 6 months after my mother died, my sister left the family and joined a woman that wanted to take care of her (my sister lied to the authorities about the conditions at home). This was for the best anyways. Me and my father obviously had some problems of our own. Allright fresia I'll try to make this possible to read.
*mod edit*
________________________________________________________
School:
I ******* sucked. Got picked on, got shitty grades and oftentimes I just didn't go. I came out of middle school with bad grades, and it was time to join a high school. In *mod edit* you have a right to get into a school no matter how bad your grades are. I got into a vocational school. It sucked, it wasn't for me, and so after 6 months I just quit. This was around February 2010. This school was far away from where i grew up, and although I did get to know some people there (some of which I am still friends with today), I'd much rather go to school where all those i knew from elimentary school went. So, I got into the high school where I grew up. Obviously I had to go in a class where everyone was one year younger than me, but they were all really nice and I knew so many from that school and so this year I really enjoyed.. Kindof.
____________________________________________________
Sleeping problem:
I do not know if this is because of my depression, if it is because i spend a lot of time infront of the computer, if its because there is no sun here in the winter.. I have no idea and its annoying. Some times, I get real motivated. I want to change my life, I want to do what is expected of me. I want to get that education! These were my thoughts fall of 2009. But, my problem with sleeping hit me, even though I tried hard. Basicly, my problem is this: I often can't sleep no matter what, and when I do sleep no alarm can waken me. I can sleep for 20+ hours even though I am not deprived. I can also be awake like forever, and still I can't sleep at night. I can go a couple of weeks with a good sleep schedule, but the problems always return. I have tried everything except the most logical answer: Seeing the doctor.
I don't really need help on this part, I know everything there is, almost.
_________________________________________________________
The computer:
Remeber I said my father bought me a computer? Yeah, he did. And I played on it A LOT. Mostly counter strike online. The game is basicly 5 guys playing 5 other guys, you got some objectives (mainly to just kill them off 16 times before they can kill your team of 16 times) and then you win. There is a competitive enviroment and I've won some money doing it.
The reason this is relevant is first off because I have played this game since 2006, and I stopped playing it in 2010. In other words, it has played a big part in my teenage life. Looking back, I have split feelings about it all.. It ruined me. I had few friends, actually just one, that I met on a regular basis. I skipped school to play the game, hell I skipped EVERYTHING to play this game. This game kept me from being physically active, it kept me from caring about anything except the game.
But then theres the other part. This game gave me confidence. I got quite good, and I met friends online which I later met in real life. The community around the game was quite friendly, and obviously no one could pick on me for anything other than my skill in the game, which was quite good. So when I played online, I was happy. I got accepted, I saw all these other thousands of people trying to get good at this game which I was so good in. It gave me confidence, especially when I saw people sucking up to me for being good. Look, I'm sure ya'll get the point: I was a loser in real life, but online I was famous. I've changed my game over to something not so time consuming because its 1v1 and one does not need to plan with other people when to play etc. Its not really a problem anymore.
_____________________________________________
So where am I now? Well, when i went to high school last semester, i got a crush on this girl and lost some weight. I think i peaked at about 280lbs, and when i started training i lost maybe 10 lbs. I gave up after like a month, and went back to doing nothing until march 2010. Me and my cousin (he's the same age as me) started working out together. I lift weights and run/jog. This, combined with a healthy diet has enabled me to lose about 60lbs, and I'm still losing fat whilst gaining some strength. This is all well and good, but my teenage years has left me a very lonely person. With depression all the time (varying in severity), I've avoid hanging out with friends. On big celebrations like new years eve I meet everyone again, everyone seems very happy to see me, and I feel very accepted. I have no enemies, everyone I interact with seems to like me, I have lots of acquaintances.
But, I still feel that I've got some kind of social anxiety. In social situations, friends or strangers, I don't get nervous, I get along fine. I don't know what it is, but I just don't want to be with people.. Often times, when some of my friends call me, I just ignore them. I try to call back when I kind of feel better, but often I just.. Don't want to ******* talk to them. Actually, often times i dont want to talk to anyone. The thing is, no one knows that I'm lonely. No one knows that I'm hurting inside. I've told my cousin that I had some issues in middle school, but he does not know I have these problems today. My sister, my father. Nobody knows. Sometimes its just to much. I get all emotional, and although I haven't cried or anything like that, I get this feeling of nothingness inside, and I feel that there is no way in hell this will ever end. Its been like this since my mother died (6 years), and it will never end. My life is falling apart, the opportunities that I'm given, I'm wasting.
This summer me and a group of friends + two guys I met online went to this music festival in Denmark. I had a blast, it was great and for the first time I felt good again. I had a great vacation, at home my life felt stable and I was losing weight. Well, after the summer, which is like couple of months ago, depression hit me again and here I am.
Now I'm attending a private high school after I messed up two years of the public school thingy. It's going OK. I'm a smart kid, I'll get good grades, and although i have problems attending class because of the sleep issue, its okay because my grades are decided by an exam and nothing else.
Knowing my story, I'm sure you have all guessed that my experience with girls are zip. Nothing. I've been pretty good at ignoring this, but lately its bugged me increasingly. After losing weight I look myself in the mirror, but I can't make up my mind if I'm looking okay, good, or just ******* repulsive. I have absolutely no idea. This gives me no help in my quest to get girls, because I have no idea who's in my league, and I'm to afraid to miss completely and go out of my league (up or down, dont matter), so I kindof just never take the initiative in social situations. Seeing how I try to live as healthy as i can, i never go out drinking, and since I just sit at home all day I don't really get that many chances to speak to women, and when i'm kind of counting on THEM hitting on ME because I'm to insecure to approach them, I think a qualified guess on my chances to get someone is right up there in the 0,0001% range. Make no mistake tho, I can talk to girls. I guess I got a sense of humor, I can be upbeat, and mostly I get good signals from those I talk to. So my main problem here is, I don't know if im ******* ugly or ok-looking, and I'm not taking any chances here, I can't afford getting hurt.
******* hell, I could write much more here but I got a lot of my chest - A first. It felt good. I have no idea what you guys are supposed to do with this post, but if you feel like replying to my thread feel free.
. 
