Strange date okcupid!

[ladyforsaken]

She wasn't very happy and smiley so I guess things she said, felt worse then they were. I don't know where to really go from here whether to message and say fancy being friends? Or just letting her get in touch with me?

Do you feel like staying in touch with her? I don't know about you but I would not feel like it...

 

[matt4]

At least you got a date from okcupid. That's how I see it.

Exactly, it would be a miracle if I could get one date. He's had more than one, I don't know why he is complaining.

I want to share my experiences and improve myself. A year ago I had never even been on a date. It's been punishing at times because I've had to battle depression, and my lack of confidence.

I try to keep a positive mindset that another date will happen soon. I have as much right to complain as anyone here. I may not have had it as bad as you or someone else here, but I can still voice my experiences.

I think 'you lack confidence' can be good feedback BUT it depends on the wider context. If it is someone who is saying it in a supportive manner because they care about you and can see that you are too down on yourself when there is no reason to be, then it is ok. But if it is in the sort of situation you described, when it is basically a putdown, then it is not ok. It can only make you feel even less confident in that sort of situation.

I'm with Tiina on this, 100%

Too true. I've been told this before on a date with someone from okcupid but it was when we were both drinking and having a laugh. She said "at the beginning you were a little quiet Mr..." as I said I do get comfortable once talking to the person after 5/10 minutes or so. If I can bounce off them, if they are relaxed and smiley then I become more confident.

She wasn't very happy and smiley so I guess things she said, felt worse then they were. I don't know where to really go from here whether to message and say fancy being friends? Or just letting her get in touch with me?

Do you feel like staying in touch with her? I don't know about you but I would not feel like it...

I haven't messaged her since we got home that night... To be honest I don't feel like it. Even on a level of friendship she seemed negative and just disinterested in me. If I found somone good looking, intelligent but not necessarily confident, then I'd try to put them at ease, try to get to know them and understand them throughout our date. She said she was attracted to me so I guess it's just confidence that threw her off.

We were not a good match in that sense. That's life. C'est la vie!

 

[TheRealCallie]

At least you got a date from okcupid. That's how I see it.

Exactly, it would be a miracle if I could get one date. He's had more than one, I don't know why he is complaining.

Just because a person has more than one date, doesn't mean they don't have struggles or that they aren't lonely.
He can complain about whatever he wants, although, I don't really see this as complaining.

 

[ladyforsaken]

She wasn't very happy and smiley so I guess things she said, felt worse then they were. I don't know where to really go from here whether to message and say fancy being friends? Or just letting her get in touch with me?

Do you feel like staying in touch with her? I don't know about you but I would not feel like it...

I haven't messaged her since we got home that night... To be honest I don't feel like it. Even on a level of friendship she seemed negative and just disinterested in me. If I found somone good looking, intelligent but not necessarily confident, then I'd try to put them at ease, try to get to know them and understand them throughout our date. She said she was attracted to me so I guess it's just confidence that threw her off.

We were not a good match in that sense. That's life. C'est la vie!

Yeah, you'd think one would try to encourage the other to build up on their confidence by trying to help them however possible.

Well, at least you know what you want and I wish you the best of luck in your future dates.

 

[matt4]

She wasn't very happy and smiley so I guess things she said, felt worse then they were. I don't know where to really go from here whether to message and say fancy being friends? Or just letting her get in touch with me?

Do you feel like staying in touch with her? I don't know about you but I would not feel like it...

I haven't messaged her since we got home that night... To be honest I don't feel like it. Even on a level of friendship she seemed negative and just disinterested in me. If I found somone good looking, intelligent but not necessarily confident, then I'd try to put them at ease, try to get to know them and understand them throughout our date. She said she was attracted to me so I guess it's just confidence that threw her off.

We were not a good match in that sense. That's life. C'est la vie!

Yeah, you'd think one would try to encourage the other to build up on their confidence by trying to help them however possible.

Well, at least you know what you want and I wish you the best of luck in your future dates.

My confidence did take a battering but I'm trying to put it at the back of my mind now.
Do people think I should message her again? I feel a bit evil not messaging her.

 

[VanillaCreme]

My confidence did take a battering but I'm trying to put it at the back of my mind now.
Do people think I should message her again? I feel a bit evil not messaging her.

I don't know, man. She kind of made it clear what she thinks, and I wouldn't exactly take it as her begging for another date. If someone said those things to me, I'd probably take it as they didn't want my company. If she does want another outing, she sure as hell didn't make it easy or make herself approachable for another chat. I wouldn't bother messaging her, but that's up to you. I don't think it's mean or evil not messaging her, simply for the fact that what she said on the outing was really off-putting. But if you feel as though you should message her, go for it.

 

[ardour]

Who does she think she is, commenting on your personality upon first meeting, as if you were a specimen put on this earth to be judged worthy or not worthy?

"I like this, I like that." How obnoxious. You don't say that stuff to people. And what does she have to offer, besides appearances?

I would have walked out on her half way through.

 

[ladyforsaken]

My confidence did take a battering but I'm trying to put it at the back of my mind now.
Do people think I should message her again? I feel a bit evil not messaging her.

I don't know, man. She kind of made it clear what she thinks, and I wouldn't exactly take it as her begging for another date. If someone said those things to me, I'd probably take it as they didn't want my company. If she does want another outing, she sure as hell didn't make it easy or make herself approachable for another chat. I wouldn't bother messaging her, but that's up to you. I don't think it's mean or evil not messaging her, simply for the fact that what she said on the outing was really off-putting. But if you feel as though you should message her, go for it.

^What Nilla said.

 

[matt4]

I just looked at her okcupid again. One of the questions "Are you happy with your life" she answered no. Maybe I should refer her here.

I'll contact her just to check shes actually okay.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I've found OkCupid is pretty terrible to be honest.

I've been on there 7 months and haven't had a single date. Lots of rude/creepy/passive-aggressive people though.

Online dating seems to just be all the worst BS of dating (the shallowness, the most ephemeral conversations, the repeated reinforcement that you're not desirable for X, Y or Z perceived silly reasons) without the good stuff that you get easily by just asking someone out in RL...

 

[Batman55]

I've found OkCupid is pretty terrible to be honest.

I've been on there 7 months and haven't had a single date. Lots of rude/creepy/passive-aggressive people though.

Online dating seems to just be all the worst BS of dating (the shallowness, the most ephemeral conversations, the repeated reinforcement that you're not desirable for X, Y or Z perceived silly reasons) without the good stuff that you get easily by just asking someone out in RL...

But have you had some success in RL situations..? Just curious, I don't mean to put you on the spot, or anything.

I agree though, OKCupid is awful, I can't imagine any shy/anxious/awkward guy has ever actually had a date from that site, in the entire history of it's existence. I've never seen any genuinely shy guy from these forums, or any other, actually go on a date from that site.

 

[BeyondShy]

I agree though, OKCupid is awful, I can't imagine any shy/anxious/awkward guy has ever actually had a date from that site, in the entire history of it's existence. I've never seen any genuinely shy guy from these forums, or any other, actually go on a date from that site.

This has me written all over it. I was on OKCupid for about 3 1/2 weeks and the only responses I got was from the website itself when they kept on telling me to pay money to get extra features.

I sent messages out, made sure to be nice and respectful in them because I figured if I did meet one of them I wanted to make a good first impression. So much for that. I quit the website and never looked back.

 

[Batman55]

This has me written all over it. I was on OKCupid for about 3 1/2 weeks and the only responses I got was from the website itself when they kept on telling me to pay money to get extra features.

I sent messages out, made sure to be nice and respectful in them because I figured if I did meet one of them I wanted to make a good first impression. So much for that. I quit the website and never looked back.

3 weeks, or 30 years.. doesn't make a difference if you're shy. I don't know what it is about these sites.. even when attempts are made to show oneself as confident, somehow the women can still detect shyness or whatever anyway, no matter what you do. That said, it might even be as simple as something like lacking the proper social experience translating into one's responses: saying the right thing at the wrong time, and vice versa. Socializing, online or offline, turns into an analytical guessing game for one who is shy/awkward/inexperienced. I've even been told "analysis" is the wrong way to communicate. But actually that's what I do because I have no social intuition.. analysis is compensation, and the only compensation that exists for this.

It really is very strange that communication on dating platforms is so bloody exacting--or at least, appears that way. Even guys who aren't great looking (but they're not shy, of course!) seem to do well on dating platforms and in the end it seems to come down to they just know *exactly* what to say, and when to say it. I don't know how women evolved a system that can detect whether a 5 word reply shows inadequacy, versus 10 words, etc etc just kinda fooling around at this point, but you get the gist.

 

[BeyondShy]

3 weeks, or 30 years.. doesn't make a difference if you're shy. I don't know what it is about these sites.. even when attempts are made to show oneself as confident, somehow the women can still detect shyness or whatever anyway, no matter what you do.

Which brings up this question: what is so wrong with shyness? Why the prejudice towards it?

It really is very strange that communication on dating platforms is so bloody exacting--or at least, appears that way. Even guys who aren't great looking (but they're not shy, of course!) seem to do well on dating platforms and in the end it seems to come down to they just know *exactly* what to say, and when to say it. I don't know how women evolved a system that can detect whether a 5 word reply shows inadequacy, versus 10 words, etc etc just kinda fooling around at this point, but you get the gist.

I certainly do.

 

[TheRealCallie]

3 weeks, or 30 years.. doesn't make a difference if you're shy. I don't know what it is about these sites.. even when attempts are made to show oneself as confident, somehow the women can still detect shyness or whatever anyway, no matter what you do.

Which brings up this question: what is so wrong with shyness? Why the prejudice towards it?

There's nothing wrong with being shy, but it is very hard to get to know a person that is. Yeah, they could read our profile, but that's just a bunch of words written on a page. You could be lying or whatever else, so to find out and get a better sense of who you are, they could talk to you, but when you're shy, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get any info.

 

[BeyondShy]

There's nothing wrong with being shy, but it is very hard to get to know a person that is. Yeah, they could read our profile, but that's just a bunch of words written on a page. You could be lying or whatever else, so to find out and get a better sense of who you are, they could talk to you, but when you're shy, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get any info.

Perceptive Callie, very perceptive. I can not recall right now how many people in my life that have told me that same thing. "Getting any answer out of you is like pulling teeth" they would reply, "and it makes it hard to talk to you."

And I don't mean to do it and that puts more pressure on me.

 

[Batman55]

Which brings up this question: what is so wrong with shyness? Why the prejudice towards it?

IMHO the prejudice toward it is because it implies lack of confidence, lack of assertiveness, and lack of excitement. It seems that women put a premium on those traits; then you have the generalized 4-1 ratio of men to women, so it allows them to be choosy and thus anyone who shows hints of shyness (slightly awkward photo, slightly off timing, lack of witty comments, etc.) is going to be skipped over until they find someone who shows strong hints of confidence (urban-chic style conveyed in photos, correct timing, witty conversation, etc.)

I'm just trying to "do the math" really and explain things in a relatively accurate way; let's not make this a gender battle, mmkay?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Which brings up this question: what is so wrong with shyness? Why the prejudice towards it?

IMHO the prejudice toward it is because it implies lack of confidence, lack of assertiveness, and lack of excitement. It seems that women put a premium on those traits; then you have the generalized 4-1 ratio of men to women, so it allows them to be choosy and thus anyone who shows hints of shyness (slightly awkward photo, slightly off timing, lack of witty comments, etc.) is going to be skipped over until they find someone who shows strong hints of confidence (urban-chic style conveyed in photos, correct timing, witty conversation, etc.)

I'm just trying to "do the math" really and explain things in a relatively accurate way; let's not make this a gender battle, mmkay?

You know what, I think you did that yourself, making it a gender battle. Or maybe tried to. That's very assuming of you to say that the women (most, if not all) are looking for those certain traits, and not others. There are many reasons why someone may look over or skip over someone, and unless you know the exact reason why, I wouldn't go around saying things like this. There is no "math" to it. Either someone likes a person, or they don't. And just because a profile is there, doesn't mean that anyone has to like it.

I don't know how being shy has anything to really do with urban-chic style or whatever, but that's not what everyone (woman or man) looks for. That's not explaining anything. That's giving into the generalizations out there. We're all different. We all look for different things.

 

[tuna_the_best]

This might sound sort of creepy, but I'm curious to see what the OP looks like.

I've been asked out in real life, but I've never had the confidence to try online dating. I'm just curious what is needed to get responses on these websites.

 

[TheRealCallie]

This might sound sort of creepy, but I'm curious to see what the OP looks like.

Pretty sure his avatar is him....