Stuck between being in a relationship and single?

[jetsuo]

Require some good advice.

Im a single guy. When im single i am flirty, workout allot, go out clubbing , socialable and healthier but i get very lonely.
When i am in a relationship i become dull,content, dont keep in touch with my friends as much and after a while i get bored of the chick, but i never feel lonely.

Right now i dont have a very high opinion of relationships, but i dont like that lonely feeling i get when im single, which feels like a void that i can always sense even when around friends.

Thoughts?

 

[Sci-Fi]

You should seek a professional on this. Not trying to be mean, it's just there seems to be more going on. Like why you do what you do when you are single, and then do what you do when you are in a relationship. There's gotta be a good reason you turn from one person into another. Could be that you, like most people, crave companionship but that's all you need, you don't need a full time gig.

 

[grainofrice24]

Sounds like you don't appreciate the person you are in a relationship with. If a relationship ends because you are not compatible then fair enough. But when someone says "i broke up because I got bored of him/her" it sounds like you are using people and taking people for granted.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Sounds like you don't appreciate the person you are in a relationship with. If a relationship ends because you are not compatible then fair enough. But when someone says "i broke up because I got bored of him/her" it sounds like you are using people and taking people for granted.

I think he has been honest enough to admit this to himself and to others, so all credit to him. A lot of people don't, they get into relationships and then look for ways out that will leave them convinced it wasn't their fault and appear blameless, he knows he has an issue with maintaining a relationship and is after advice rather than judgement.

So anyway Jetsuo, what age are you? Plenty of people have to get to a point in their life where they are ready to settle down and there is no point in trying to achieve that before you're ready, you could spend a lifetime regretting it so at least you have the sense to get out when you know its not for you rather than dragging it out.

So how do you reach a happy medium until that point when you are ready? Well be up front with people, if you want a relationship it can be as casual or as committed as you want, as long as you explain that to someone right from the off and before you get together you're just being honest. If you meet someone and thinking about a relationship, just define what you want or need right now, let them decide if it works for them. If you wonder whether you would stay faithful you can even say you're open to a casual relationship and would like to spend time together but you don't want the hassle of a long term commitment or to limit your ability to enjoy yourself. There might be someone who is busy or shares a similar view who would want the same, in fact you'd probably be surprised at how many people want something in between nowadays as life is very busy. If they agree and it works, well that’s fine and to hell what anyone else says a relationship should be, as long as it works for BOTH of you, so just be open and upfront about what you want right from the start.

 

[Tiina63]

I would say that it is normal to be more sociable when you are single, because loneliness can push us to go out and meet people. I go out socially largely becuase of loneliness and I know that, if I were in a relationship, I would still go out, see friends etc, but not as much as I do when I am alone.
At the same time, it doesn't sound as if you are really ready for a commited relationship, because you get bored both of the girl and of not going out so much. Maybe you should look for girls who just want something light for the time being.

 

[jetsuo]

The Good Citizen and Tiina63.
What you say makes sense. I am sort of looking for a happy medium. I really dont wna feel like im married, but i dont want to be totally single or just sleep around.
I appreicate you saying that honesty is the best policy, but to be honest, this sort of casual relationship seems rare to me, as i dont see it often. When i do see it, its often a friends with benefits situation. I've had a few of those but they end when i sleep with someone else or they find a boyfriend.

I just hate myself because when im single its like im all geared up and everything is amazing, and this lonely feeling gives me a goal to constantly try to outshine my competition. I just hate myself for getting complacent when i get attached because i go from a catch to a drag and ive heart allot of women in this process. In a way i feel like im self destructive in this mannor because i can be tempted to fall for a 'friend with benefits' if i like her and then i would want to take the relationship deeper but then i just cant give them the affection and attention they require at that point because i just get bored. This often leaves me wide open to get cheated on too, because the girl becomes unhappy. I can only fake it for so long, but eventually i get bored. And then suprisingly when the girl wants to leave me, all of a sudden i have all this interest in them again.
Its a repeating pattern and im quite sure im not alone out there. I think its common.

Thanks so far for the guidance. Based on the advice so far i am thinking i need to have more self control, and stop falling for people. Keep it casual?
Or maybe im just meeting the wrong girls (although ive been with a few).

Is there any relationships out there where the couple have been together for a long time and still find eachother interesting? Or do we all have to fake it to a certain degree at some point?

---

Sounds like you don't appreciate the person you are in a relationship with. If a relationship ends because you are not compatible then fair enough. But when someone says "i broke up because I got bored of him/her" it sounds like you are using people and taking people for granted.

Thank you for your insight but i have to disagree with you there.
My appreicatiion and affection for someone are genuine at the start but i cant help get bored. I try to keep things intesting, but then thats not fair on me (and maybe them in the long run).

Its almost like im addicted to the honeymoon phase and the chase, but then disgard my prize once ive caught it.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I do not see ay problems. You seem to be able to eat when you are hungry and when you are full you do not need to eat anymore.. I do not see the problem with your current issue. I wish I had this problem. Not my usual problem of being lonely then trying and failing and remaining lonely.

Another view.. what makes you not dull and boring is your desire to remain a suitable mate. So all you need to do is make sure that you believe that you can always be better. You can always be faster, stronger, smarter, whatever. Also remember, if you get bored of a girl, that is not your fault. She has an obligation to be interesting as well. If she gets boring that is her own personal fault. You cannot help it if she becomes boring.

 

[jetsuo]

I do not see ay problems. You seem to be able to eat when you are hungry and when you are full you do not need to eat anymore.. I do not see the problem with your current issue. I wish I had this problem. Not my usual problem of being lonely then trying and failing and remaining lonely.

Another view.. what makes you not dull and boring is your desire to remain a suitable mate. So all you need to do is make sure that you believe that you can always be better. You can always be faster, stronger, smarter, whatever. Also remember, if you get bored of a girl, that is not your fault. She has an obligation to be interesting as well. If she gets boring that is her own personal fault. You cannot help it if she becomes boring.

Nice advice thanks!!

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Nice advice thanks!!

.. do what not? Someone actually thinks I gave worthwhile advice? ... something is going on... none of the usual suspects have come out and yelled at me for being close-minded or sexist... something is very wrong here.

 

[jetsuo]

No probs

One thing is for sure though. I do know that i am not ready for another relationship right now. I guess you have to be in the right state of my mind and be open to it. I still have bad dreams about twice a week where im in situation where im being lied to by my ex.
Another thing. Over the last few weeks i have come to realize that relationships and being in one has been one of the vocal points of my concentration, but i don't see why it has to be. It certainly doesn't do allot of people any favors and i think it encourages loneliness.