Subjectless

[Shadow Self]

I guess you could call it 'one of those days'... Of the days, when silence is so overwhelming, it makes you scream your soul out with what strength is left within you. Just to make the silence disappear for a tiniest of moments. Of days, when buried finds it's way back to the surface just to mock you. Mock you - for how weak you've become. Mock you for giving into the feelings tearing your chest apart.

Each one of us go through our lives expecting to find something. Something, that only the deepest, most secure corners of our souls know how desperate we are to find it. How desperately we're looking for it. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years - pass... We start to feel empty, hollow. We miss a part of us. A part that is the heart of us. A missing piece of the puzzle. Center piece. We are broken. We look for... revelation. Not a holy one, but the one to reassure us. Reassure us of belief within ourselves. And it's the worst of the kind.

We tip-toe through our lives, with questions set on repeat within our heads. Questions we constantly look for answers to. Even though none of us know where to look for them. Even though some of us break in the process. Even though most of us never find the answers to them. We day after day keep going at them. Keep searching for that missing piece of our soul. We look for it in other people - we get disappointed. None of their parts fit the one we're missing. We look into the mother nature for a lead. It abandons us as quickly as the sound of thunder fades away through the skies. We look for that piece within gods. We fool ourselves into trusting an idea strong enough to actually believe it can fill our puzzle, just to find out - once again we've failed ourselves. We scream - but no sound leaves our lips. Only a shattering echo wreaks through our bleeding souls. Some of us find a fitting piece of the puzzle just to find out it doesn't match the picture. Temporary epiphany, but not the one that actually sticks. Or is it life itself that has a tendency to spit in our faces?

On the other hand, that momentary lack of judgement proved me myself to be certain of one - I am in the dark. In the cold, blinding, confusing, and deeply treacherous dark. Yet it starts to feel like home. The loneliness, it consumes you. And no religious, self-help or any other kind of bullshit books or them even more ridiculous fanatics, who claim to have 'seen the light' or found thee way - can help someone like me. Nor would I want any of these lunacies to have anything to do with me. No. I'm on my own with this. And a lonely life is a life I can trust. At least I'm honest with myself. And it just so happens to be, that I find myself standing aside and watching the charade of my life being performed by my own 'Shadow Self'. I vision my life evolve without my actual presence. Or maybe that is who I've become? Maybe it is the true me?

We knock off what's important with a cold hand and don't even collect the shattered pieces. A crash of what was so special doesn't even echo in the silence anymore. There's something else, something more important than what's the most important...

But I'm growing tired and impatient of watching it all from aside. Tired of being a shadow of my own life.

Things happen. Places, faces, thoughts and mistakes change. And yet, when you look at it - it's a forsaken circle. I spin around, and around, and around, and around...

I can hear myself screaming somewhere in the distance, until the voice dissipates and becomes something else. A whisper. Right in my ear. It's as if it's telling me to take control of my life. Take control of me, my thoughts and my feelings. But it has a hidden voice of command in it. So much of control over your demons.

Questions come and go, but only one remains with me at all times.

'What do I want?'

What does my Shadow Self want... I've heard so many answers to those questions. Most of them never left my head, the rest of them - I can still feel the bitterness on my lips.

I envy the blind, for light can be so damaging at times. And yet it offers so many answers... Or maybe my answers lay in the dark. But it's not that complicated questions, so, how hard can it be? You'd think. And yet - takes a crack in the wall for a building to collapse. Remember the last lime your walls crumbled!? Who would want to. And yet - that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger, right? Or leaves you crippled... The irony.

 

[theraab]

Welcome Shadow Self - I hope you can find what you're looking for.

 

[Shadow Self]

Thank You And until I do, I'll enjoy the journey towards it.