Sucessful On The Outside... (kinda long)

[Treading Water]

Empty on the inside.

I am at a major crossroad in my life. Midlife Crisis? Maybe. But no matter what precipitated it, here I stand. The feelings are real and they feel lousy.

Been married forever it seems, to a man that loves me madly. But who frustrates me no end, and even occasionally throws me under the proverbial bus. He admits that he has trouble with priorities and this leaves me at the end of the line a lot of times. I see it as a loyalty factor and he's lacking big time.

Over time, I have been worn down to where I no longer love him and no longer trust him. At least not fully. He's taught me I can't.

There are a lot of mitigating factors that have placed me here. But the biggest thing that keeps me immobile is our youngest son. A teenager, but a sweet and tender kid. I do not want to screw him up and as far as he's concerned everything here is hunky dory.

I used to have a vision for this place and huge ambitions. But they've all died and I really want to move elsewhere and start over.

My isolation has really become acute. I have no friends, my husband and children were always close enough to confide in. I cannot talk to my husband because he only sees what he wants to see, and that is through his rose colored glasses at that.

I have met a man with whom I have a super rapport. Nothing serious has or will happen at this point. But we have so much in common and are of the same ilk, whereas my husband and I are so totally opposite. I am starting to think we are more mismatched than I had believed previously. Anyhow, I continue to grow closer to this other man I find that my disdain only grows for my husband.

I don't know if I am in the right place here. Since I've never really fit in anywhere I suppose it's as good a place to start as any. So I'm throwing this out there to see if anyone has any thoughts that may help me sort this thing out.

 

[randomman]

Well first of all I'd like to start by saying you're clearly quite intelligent to be this introspective.

It's also admirable how you're willing to go to such lengths to protect the feelings of your young son.

While I'm not a female, and have never been married, I do sometimes end up in relationships where I'll be giving wakeup calls at 7:15 am every day, at first liking it, then loving it, then hating it - while the other person seems to keep on thinking everything is fine because she is in control of the relationship.

Secondly, it's often tempting for me when in relationships to look and find something exciting in someone new. But remember, your husband managed to excite you for what could have been decades! He might have failed now, but how long will this person really be that exciting? Additionally, if you do get divorced, the thrill and adventure of doing something "wrong", will disappear. I'm not saying that the rapport you've developed is false, but remember it may not be as deep as the one you once had with your husband, and it also may be more based on the excitement of something new and a little bit "wrong" than you'd really think about.

So, maybe, take some time to yourself. Tell your husband, or don't, but do things your way, not his way, not anyone's way. Live a little bit crazy, but don't burn any bridges.

In my life resentment and disdain often stems not from the other person, but from my own inability to confront that person, say what I want, or do what I want. So, try doing what you want, taking your time, saying and doing what you'd like. See how that changes things.

Also - remember that we humans are often quite weak creatures. A study once showed that if a woman meets a man in a less safe than normal circumstance (it was a controlled situation, no one was in danger) she has a far higher chance of being called back after the situation is resolved. So, again, remember that new and exciting people may be triggering the more base parts of your brain - not the levels that allow us to form connections that last for decades.

Either way, you deserve a change, but finding another man might not be the best thing. There are definitely people you can be friends with, but make sure you expose them to the REAL you. For whatever reason people aren't seeing you for this - and this has to change before you can expect to make what you'll consider real friends.

If you do decide to stick with your husband, even if he fails to come around, real friends, who know the real you, may be able to help you deal with his inability to understand you.

So to sum it up - live for yourself, say yes, say no, shake things up, and look for the reasons that you disdain people, and make sure that you are as true to who you know you are as possible.

---

Also, remember that this new guy, if you did get with him, could easily again occupy a central role in your life. Leaving you in much the same position you are now.

The fact of the matter is that no person, can EVER truly know who you are, or I am. The only person, beyond God, who can truly know someone is that person him or herself. It's a sad fact, but yes, there is a certain element of loneliness in every man, woman and child's life due to this.

So, if you were to go find someone else, another man, who became central to your life, in a few years time you might realize that they want you for a certain reason, or view you in a certain way, and then find the need to move again.

So, rather than moving from one dominant relationship to the other, perhaps try branching out, so that you're better able to resist loneliness and depression. I have the same tendency, to want one perfect woman, rather than a solid core of friends. However, the friends, the solid connections beyond one person, are what makes those enviously stable people, so darn stable!

Don't move from one universe to a parallel one with a different hero! Move to a NEW universe with friends that know you for you.

As to how you'll meet them, I have no idea, but just try! Take up a hobby, even if you don't like it - meet some people, and run with it. You'll be feeling better soon, I hope!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Hopefully I won't confuse you anymore. Maybe it might help me in the process if I actaully write this out myself.

I'll just share my experince on this matter. It's kind of a situation I'm going through.
I'll be as forth coming and honest as I can. My truth. Hopefully it's not through Rose glasses. I don't drinking or get high anymore.

I've been married. I've also gone through a 6 years relationship and a 12 years relationship.

My latest long term relationship of 12 years. Techniquely we're married by law becuase we lived together for so long.
For the most part we basiaclly were hunsband and wife. The realtionship turned in a directions that was not in any of my plans
or hopes at the 7 years mark. Basically I found myself isolated. I bascailly went to work, came home and has less friends as the
years went on. My step son too thought everything was honkey dory as long as he got his way...just like his mother.
He will always love his mother no matter what. Never the less, my gf had a lot of guilt and covering up becuase she had a gambling
and drugs problem. She was actaully a social worker. Yeap on the surface or outside everything seem hunky dory to everyone...
except me. It got worst and worst as the years went on. It effected my step son in ways he didn't understand.
Our first separation was while my step son was in his senior year of HS. An education wasn't his first priority at that piont.
I understood. It took him until he was almost 21 before he was able to move out and try to have a life if his own.
I bascailly lost myself thoughtout the years. Worrying about her , worrying about my step son. i stayed, I got back with her over and over
again...hoping this time would be the last time. This time would be her bottom. The longer I stayed...The less and less energy or will
I had to leave. I was worn and tired all the time. Everyone thought I was the crazy one. I'm about as sick as her secrets.
Yeap, it was pretty much a oneway street after a while. And yeah...sometime people would actaully envy us...They just don't know what's really going on...on the inside.
It took me a while to recover from that. I bascailly got luckiy I made it out of that relationhip alive.
Even to this day...she hasn't said a word to me. 12 years of my life got pissed down the tube.
I couldn't fix her and lost myself.


Okay...here's my current situation. I'm the other guy. I've been in love with Chelle for almost all my life. I've nevered stopped loving her.
My ex-wf started talking to me around 5 months ago. We divorced over 20 years ago. We also had a child together.
Chelle and I have alot of things in common. It's been 20 years..but she's still herself in so, so many ways.
Reading your post is like listening to Chelle. Chelle is very, very consern for the willl being of our duaghter.
She's very unhappy and depressed with her marriage. I can't go into especific details...however, she's not too happy.
I belive it was just as healing for her as it is for me...For her to be able to tell me she loves me...
However..I can't make that decision for her no matter how much I love her. When Chelle get sick and tired of be sick and tired...She'll show up.
Just as I had to get sick and tired of being sick tired of the 12 years relationship that went toxic.

I got clean and sober becuase I wanted my wife back.

I can't tell you what to do...hundreds upon hundreds of people told me to leave my ex-gf. I simply didn't.
Until the pain of staying gets greater than the pains of leaving...I was staying. No one can fix me.
I belive Chelle is doing the samething. As I said, I have a lot in common with her. Well...at least she told me I can't fix her.
I love her very much...not to fix her. I never thought I would ever speak to Chelle again after our deviorce.
I never thought she needed fixing either. Life is just so...so..so wierd. But it is what it is...

 

[beachspirit]

Treading Water, it is a really honest self appraisal you have done.

It is hard for me to give too much of an opinion because I have never been married, but it sounds like your soul is in a tug of war between loyalty/duty to family and personal happiness and self fulfilment. It is a tough one.

Is your husband a good husband? You say he loves you a lot but his priorities are the problem. Is it something that you can talk about or fix?

I am probably being conservative here in my answer, but you seem like a really nice person and I don't want to see you throw your marriage away without at least thinking through possible alternatives. You have a lot at stake with a husband and a teenage son, and I commend you that you have been cautious so far and havn't rushed in to a new situation.

I feel for you. It is a hard situation to advise on and many people would be in a similiar boat to yourself. Did you ever see the film Shirley Valentine? If so, what did you think of it?