That One Memory

[Sci-Fi]

Ugh, John so sorry to hear about what your wife did.

TSM girls can be real bitches, especially teenage ones. NOT ALL OF THEM! Better say that before I get smacked, just the ones you are talking about. As you experienced there are nice ones out there. Like you said, what do you do? You can't hit them, just stand there or take it. Or...this is funny, seen it on TV before. Just shout at the top of your lungs, WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU! LOL!! I wish I had seen that when I was in high school, I would have used that.

I haven't experience what you did, but I've seen teenage girls doing things that really bothered me. There was this one group of girls, attractive, popular, and probably the biggest most stuck up bitches in our school. They preyed on the handicap kids, which were referred to as TMR or life skills at the time. Sometimes they'd coheres some of these students into kissing each other, then laugh and go on how gross it was. I witnessed this several times but never did anything, just felt bad for the kids, it wasn't their fault and didn't deserve that type of abuse. Plus I was afraid if I did anything the girls would have their boyfriends beat me up. Thankfully teachers would catch them or other female students would see it and stop them. It just showed the cruelty of some kids.

I don't talk about this often, but there was a moment in my life where I decided I hated my father. He rarely spent time with us, he had another family. One day my brother called him at work to see if he'd come by to visit. He acted like he didn't know who my brother was, it made him cry. My mom was furious, and we later found out it was because his wife was sitting in the office. I just remember sitting there expecting to get to talk to my dad, and watching my brother cry saying dad acted like he didn't know who he was, and hating my father so much. We were his only son's and that is the way he treated us.

 

[Ak5]

Wow Solitary, that's quite a lot.

I've been bullied in Elementary school one time I think, I can share if you want lol. But I really haven't been bullied in Middle School, just didn't have any friends, that's all.

I'm a late bloomer as they say, so I haven't been really interested in girls until recently. Since I was so lonely during MS and didn't have anyone to talk to in school, all I did was keep a keen ear and listen to other people's conversations lol. I've heard many, many things.

 

[Okiedokes]

Well ok.... being teased and bullied starting in 1st grade. I guess eating crayons will do that to ya, lol. I laugh now, but it was not a laughing matter. I also got teased about my curly hair and perhaps I was a little behind in maturity since I was a bit younger than most my class (late birthday). I closed myself off after that, and only showed my true self around close friends. Even till the day I graduated. I've learned to open up because I no longer like people making their own assumptions of who I am. Being quiet makes people think snobby or that I don't like them. Which is sooooooo not true. It is all my own issue inside. I barely showed emotion in front of people most of the time.

 

[Equinox]

I have a few, but the one that I keep reliving almost every day, happened at school when I was 15. I overheard the popular girl in class talking to her friend, both standing nearby me, and not trying to hide that they were looking at me and smirking. The popular girl said "If I looked like that, I would hang myself", and her friend nodded. I pretended like I didn't hear.

Sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and ask "Why don't you hang yourself?", though I don't really mean it. Not really. I hate how deeply that comment sits, though.

 

[Sci-Fi]

This is what I keep trying to drum into my part timers head, that what he says to people have an effect on them. He doesn't believe me. He tells me about the kids he picks on, the ones that might seem dirty or greasy or have bad acne or smell. Yet he thinks that was he says isn't teasing or bullying, he's just joking around. When I tell him he's not he gets mad at me, he sees it as joking or just poking harmless fun. He doesn't understand what it does to someone inside. A lot of teenagers don't.

I was once walking around the downtown area of my home town by myself. I had a couple of girls behind me talking about how they like guys that have small butts, they think that big or full butts on guys look odd. This made me incredibly insecure because I knew they were talking about me since they were following me around for awhile, I've been told I have a small butt or no butt. Should that have made me insecure with these girls? Heck no but it did, having been teased about it before.

 

[swanlake]

When I was a teenager I told my parents I was babysitting with a girlfriend my father came to the house that night and we were having a party with boys and booze. When he took me outside he hit me in the head with a board and said "I wish it was you who died not your sister". Gezzzz I wasn't even having sex and on top of it he was an alcoholic.

Another teenage memory when we went to vist my aunt, uncle and cousins. My female cousin was about a year older than me and very pretty. My uncle said to me "you have really turned into a rolly polly look at how pretty Debbie is".

Why do we all hold on to these hurtful memories?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Cause the hurtful ones make the biggest impact on us. They usually tear us down instead of building us up.

 

[Okiedokes]

I do believe that SOME bullies are victims themselves. Once I realized that, it kind of takes the focus off what they said and makes you feel a bit bad for them. There must have been some kind of bullying/abuse that they receive themselves.. And it's just sad. Still no excuse for spreading it around though.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I'm waking up a dead thread here. Just wished to tell everyone I'm truly sorry for the traumas you had to go though. A big hug for all.

As for me... It's something I carry since so long. That I completely ignore since so long just so I'm able to function and excel. I close my eyes and keep my breath in and try to act as if everything was OK. It has never been. And when it is, when I do start feeling a glimpse of happiness, there's always something or someone robbing it from me.

Rejection, hatred and gossip, has been my everyday soup until I rejected a major part of what people call "a family". I feel sick to my stomach and shaking just at saying this so I'll stop here for now.

 

[Suntory]

Went out to a club with friends, including a girl I liked (a lot, and we were good friends at the time too) who was single. About five minutes after arriving a live video of her kissing some guy was plastered all over the screens. Loads of people started taking photos of it on their phones...

This isn't the sole thing that's driven me to where I am now, but it certainly contributed. And it still hurts even now...

 

[Pezza]

These few memories are the ones that stick out for me and are the reason why I'm tiptoed around today. I put a bit of back story in though so I might not get judged so harshly.

When I was 12 somebody tried to bully me for the first time, I punched him in the chest and he fell back and hit his head on a table, nobody dared to bully me after that. That should have been the end of it but it wasn't. Whenever I saw somebody else getting bullied I had to intervene, I hated watching people cry, I hated it even more when the bully got away with it. For the next 2 years I got into so many fights, but at my first year of high school the fighting reached a new level, I remember the first time someone pulled a knife out, that could have been the end of me.

My parents knew I was going to get killed at this rate so they emigrated and brought me to the french countryside, where violence and crime is pretty rare, they hoped it would calm me down, and it did for the first 2 years but then there were a few major incidents. These moments are what made me the lonely person I am today.

#Out of the blue for no reason some guy just decided to bully me for my acne, I ignored him for the first day. The next day it was bothering me, it had stopped me sleeping the night before, not because I have acne, but because he got away with it. I told myself if he does it again he'll pay, I literally had just walked into school, I was walking past the lockers and he was there, emptying his bag into his locker. I had to walk past him to get to my lesson and he thought it would be a good idea to throw an insult my way. I pretended to just ignore him and walk past him, but then I turned, grabbed the back of his neck with my left hand and the locker door with the right and proceeded to smash his face in, I only slammed his head in it twice and then he just dropped to the ground, his nose was bleeding and he'd lost one of his teeth. I just squatted in front of him and said "who's face is uglier now?".

#One time a teacher was shouting at me for something I didn't do, I proved to him it wasn't me twice, even half the class said it wasn't me but did he listen? No. He then mentioned the word english and I just thought f*** this, this is racism. I stood up, walked up to him and punched a whole through the stud wall next to him. I then walked out.

#A group of about 20 english kids had come to our school for a special lesson, at break time they were in the middle of the courtyard in a big group, it was really awkward because you could tell they were chavs and everyone was trying to avoid them. This obese girl who was coming out of the toilets got tripped up by one of them, apparently they wanted to see if she rolled. I shouted at him, so this kid walks up to me and puts his face up next to mine trying to intimidate me, so I head butt him, he stumbled back a few meters but then he started heading towards me again so I kicked him in the face, he went down. Then these two guys head over to me, one was clenching his fists, they were at least 17 and I was only 15, I figured that I had to do something big otherwise I was going to get a beating, so I stood up on a bench and got my can of axe out my pocket and got my lighter out of my other pocket and made a makeshift flamethrower thing, they were shocked to say the least a few moments later some teachers came outside and started raging at me. Those kids weren't allowed back to the school after that, and I just about avoided expulsion.

I finished my education with home schooling. Now that my education is over I don't get into fights anymore, but a lot of people remember what I'm capable of and treat me differently because of it.

 

[WishingWell]

When I saw this thread for the first time, I couldn't think of one memory that stuck out for me and that I would remember for the rest of my life and would change me. I posted that I would eventually remember something.

I remember now the most important thing, and can't believe how I didn't realize it was. I have a history of alcolism (dating back from 6th grade, just trying it here and there from then through high school and my twenties.) In my early thirties, I had a series of problems hit me at the same time, and started to drink heavily at home. I then started going to nearby "very unclassy" bars, and met some people and after the bars closed, I went with some of them and got involved with drugs. I don't want to go into the gruesome details. However, I never prostituted myself to get money and I never put a needle in my arm.

I woke up one morning in an apartment with a couple of people I knew and many I didn't recognize. I was two towns away from where I lived and didn't have a nickel. I walked all the way home. When I finally got there, I didn't even take the time to shower. I called the mental health/alcolhol and drug addiction center in the hospital only 2 blocks away from me, and asked them to please get me into a program as soon as possible.

I then began taking out clothes and sundries I would need and packing them. I lived in an aparment in my Parents house and they never knew anything I was doing, except I knew my Mother was broken hearted when she would go for the morning paper and see me sitting at the bar having my liquid breakfast though the bar windows. We never spoke about it. She knocked on the door for some reason while I was packing and asked me where I was off to then--I used to visit people for days or weeks, some in different states. I told her about my decision. The phone rang then, and I was told there were 2 programs with available intake appointments, one 2 weeks away, and one 3 weeks away in my state. I told them, I couldn't wait. I may be dead by then. They called 1/2 hour later and told me of a place that would take me that very night in a different state. I told my Mother, and she and my Father (he knew about the alcohol, but not about the drugs until he was dying and I told him everything during a lengthy talk we had) made airline reservations for me to fly there and told me when the program was over in 6 weeks they would pay to fly me home.

Everyone said they were proud of me for initiating going into a program. I was just glad to be alive. And, the place where I was doing most of the "drugging" was busted 2 weeks into my program, so I would have gone to jail. I am grateful that is an "I NEVER" for me too.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I woke up one morning in an apartment with a couple of people I knew and many I didn't recognize. I was two towns away from where I lived and didn't have a nickel. It was 11 am and I walked all the way home. When I got home, I didn't even take the time to shower. I called the mental health/alcolhol and drug addiction center in the hospital only 2 blocks away from me, and asked them to please get me into a program as soon as possible.

I think this was a good decision that you made.

---

I finished my education with home schooling. Now that my education is over I don't get into fights anymore, but a lot of people remember what I'm capable of and treat me differently because of it.

remind me to call you if anyone ever bullies me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You know the one, that (probably for most of us) solidified our social anxiety/shyness/relationship anxiety/loneliness/etc. Or maybe it changed you in a positive way. Either way it is one that made you or kept you the way you are for years, affected you in such a way that you still relive it like it was yesterday.

Zombie post, but hey, it's Halloween where I am so I'll bite (badum-tish!). Maybe it'll help me let go of the bad and reinforce the good.

There was no one memory in particular that solidified my shyness or anything like that. It was just a series of small events. Growing up, I found it hard to make friends. I progressed very slowly, socially. I don't know why. My guess is that I was not into what most of the other kids were into. I was into toys, board games, and various fandoms, and most of the other kids, particularly the guys, were into sports. This became sports and booze, weed, and sex later, which I was also not into. I wasn't very athletic, so I'd get picked near the end for sports. Also girls were less than friendly to me too. I really don't know why there. But it was more of things like that. I didn't make friends easily, didn't find a lot of people who had stuff in common with me that I could really hold much of a conversation with, was often picked near last for sports or group projects, and never went to any of the dances except for the very last one, my high school senior prom. It took me a long time, until later in high school, before I would do things like say hi to people in the hallways or make small talk with other students that I didn't know well. I didn't talk about my interests or even wear shirts of stuff I liked because I didn't want to get bullied for it, I wanted to make it through the day as easily as possible. I suppose I didn't help myself by not being assertive, but I learned my lesson. Today I wear my interests proudly and am a little more confident and outgoing.

Now, what memory changed me in a positive way? That was when I joined this forum a while ago and started reading all this stuff about ego and personality and the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we can do, and about how even though we think of these stories as fixed, they are in fact changeable. It gave me hope that I could change my life, and I've been trying to figure myself out ever since.

 

[Veruca]

Im so sorry that you guys had to go through all that bad stuff .

Mine arent terrible but they did leave a lasting impression on me in a negative way (which I am trying to change).

I was bullied by a group of girls all through primary and secondary school, but mainly by the mastermind of the group. There were many moments but the most humiliating was when I was reaching puberty and "filling in". The mastermind, the most popular girl in school, decided to shout out loud, in front of my crush "Haven't you heard of a bra?". She and her friends then decided to laugh at me while I stood there red and too shocked to move. The insults and pranks continued, getting worse around the time I turned 16 when I put on weight. That was when I became anorexic.

Some years later, my family and I were going to a dinner party. By this time in an effort to improve the way I felt about myself, I started to wear contacts and make up. But on this particular occasion, I decided to skip that and wear my glasses. I did have on a nice dress. In fact, I thought I looked very presentable. But then I had an argument with a family member who forced me to wear the contacts and make up. I overheard her saying that she would be too embarassed to introduce me to her friends if I didnt dress up. This person was like a mother to me and while shes a wonderful lady I suppose vanity is her one flaw.

A few more years down the road, and I had my first boyfriend. One day he showed me pictures of all his exes and noted how hot they were. I suspect he was cheating on me as well though I couldnt prove it. He was also very emotionally abusive. And one day he tried to punch me in the face.

Over the years, I developed very low self esteem due to these experiences and obsessive over looks which manifested as ED. My sense of self worth was dependent on my weight. I dont starve nysrlf anymorr to be skinny but I do obsess over being healthy and maintaining a certain weight. One pound more and I feel too ugly to leave home.