The Cali Conundrum

[smitty]

I am a 21-year-old college student who is finishing up his Associates degree. I am about to transfer to a full-fledged university in February, but before I do, I have an important conundrum to address. I have been dating a girl for a while and everything clicks on all cylinders. We've even used the big, scary "L" word and meant it. She really is more than I could have ever hoped for. The problem now is that she is leaving for northern California in 5 months. She absolutely hates Maryland (where we live), but with very good reason. She is also very firm about leaving.

My choice now is whether to go with her or stay here. Here is what I've come up with as far as pros and cons:

- Stay here -

Pros: Financial Stability (I live with my Aunt so I'm not paying rent or utilities), On track to earn a Bachelor's Degree in less than two years, Friends are still around

Cons: Kicking myself in the head for not going with her, might never find this kind of connection again, could make the biggest mistake of my life by not going, will probably never go to California

- Go with her -

Pros: Get to stay with her, get out of my Aunt's house, become more independent, make a new start in a new place, work toward something, it would be more adventurous than my current, safe life

Cons: Unsure of which university I could transfer to and when I would finish my Bachelor's, extreme and struggling finances (especially with apartment rates...even studio apartments aren't cheap in Northern Cal.), Have no relatives or friends in California, would become a semester or more behind in my hunt for a Bachelor's degree

And before you say, "Why not finish your degree and join her in 2 years?" So much can happen in 2 years, and also in 2 years I think she is joining the Peace Corps. Something I'm not completely sure if I want to do (my major is English and I could teach English in the corps maybe?).

I don't know what to do, this is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with. I really do love her so much. I've never had what I have with her with any other girl. She feels the same way about me. I am scared of both options. I really need to make a decision soon.

Please help?

 

[Spare]

First of all, long-distance relationships are hard, but certainly not impossible. If you trust each other, it should go well. I'm in the midst of one myself at the moment, so I know what I'm talking about. My parent's maintained a long-distance relationship for FOUR years before they got married, and they've been married now for over 30 years.

Second, compromise is important. But it's also important that she compromises in the name of the relationship, too. It's heartily unfair if you end up doing all the sacrificing, giving up the life you've dreamt of in her name. You may someday come to resent her, which wouldn't be good at all. That being said, she can't make all the sacrifices, either. A true relationship is a PARTNERSHIP, and the future is something you need to work on together. It may not be what you individually envisioned for yourselves, but it will be both of yours, and that's what's important.

That's my opinion, anyway. Take it with a grain of salt, because it's early, and I'm not quite awake.

Good luck!

 

[Badjedidude]

It sounds like she has a plan for her life, and while that's great for her...what about you? Do you really want to just be the guy that tags along, riding her skirt? That may sound harsh, but really...are you willing to compromise your own plans to be with her? I don't know...but joining the Peace Corps just to follow her around doesn't sound like it would work really well. Same with moving to another state if you're unsure that you'll even be able to finish your degree. I say finish the degree. Tell her that you have your own plans in life and that if she truly wants to be with you, she'll work to come to a reasonable compromise.

I had a similar situation in which my fiance had her own plans and I had mine...I loved her a lot, but I just couldn't sacrifice my own goals to be with her. Our plans took us in two different directions (and to two different parts of the US) and we ended up splitting up (on friendly terms). *shrug* I just refused to give up my plans in life for her, and I haven't regretted it since. Hope that helps a bit.

----Steve

 

[smitty]

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it. I keep going back and forth on the decision and I still don't quite know exactly what I'm going to do. It might come down to me staying behind and continuing on whatever path I'm on now (I'm still not totally sure about my life goals or anything). It looks like the easier option, but for me it's harder. Like I said, I've never found anyone I've clicked with so well.

But, putting it in perspective, she has changed her position a little bit. She is looking at schools in Austin, Texas now where it's a billion times cheaper. She is starting to make concessions and I suppose that is a good thing.

On the other hand, if I stay my current course and she leaves for good never to be heard from again, then I guess we weren't as close as I thought?

I'm still bogged down with all this emotional energy and fear that it is making me confused and muddled.

 

[Badjedidude]

On the other hand, if I stay my current course and she leaves for good never to be heard from again, then I guess we weren't as close as I thought?

You're exactly right when you say this. It's (relatively) easy to say that you love someone...words are cheap. If she really does love you, then she would definitely consider working something out and finding a way to be with you. Same for you, also. If you really love her, you'll find a way to sacrifice (a little) in order to find a middle ground.

Just don't go too far in the sacrificing. I've seen it too many times. I PROMISE you that if you drop school to focus on the relationship, you won't get back in college/school until you're 30-40. That's pretty much a fact. A few friends did that, my brother did it, my father did it...

...so if you really want a college degree, it's better to put that absolutely as a top priority in your life right now. Maybe not ABOVE your girlfriend in importance, but at the same level. If your girlfriend really loves you, she should understand that you have to do this to give yourself (and her and maybe your future kids if you're lucky ) a better life.

And finally...I know it's stressful right now, but all it takes to resolve this is honesty, a cooperative spirit, and some empathy. If you can understand her position, and if she can understand your position, then it makes things much easier...and everything will come to be alright. As in my situation, I chose to let my fiance go, and it was sad for a while...but I'm better off for not sacrificing my goals (there WAS no middle ground in my situation). I'm sure you'll be able to find that middle ground that you need to keep the relationship.

----Steve

 

[smitty]

Thanks for the kind words and advice.

I feel a lot better about this now. I have since talked to her and she said she is open to almost ANY state other than Maryland. But, the new problem becomes when she joins the Peace Corps. If I don't go with her and it's not for me, we would end up splitting up anyway. I guess I just need to identify exactly what I want to do with my life before I go making any decisions based on this relationship; no matter how awesome it is.

The middle ground here would be a state that is not California, so I'd still be moving. I'll keep everyone posted on what happens.

 

[It was Mine]

I wouldn't worry so much on the peace corps, It's two years away and there's a lot of living a person can do in two years. Plans change, same with desires.

 

[smitty]

Thanks for all of the advice and input. I really feel stuck and even though almost everyone has told me staying would be the right move, I still feel compelled to go. This is hard.

 

[Badjedidude]

I bet it is! But it wouldn't be hard if it weren't worth experiencing. ^_^

----Steve

 

[smitty]

Yeah, I don't know if it's just because I'm young that I think it'll all work out if I move with her. There's a tiny voice of doubt, though. I just don't want to take the safe road when I really should have just gone with her.

 

[Brian]

...Has she ever been to California?

Would you like me to talk to her and talk her out of it?

I can really think of nothing worth going to California for unless you've never been there

 

[smitty]

She's been to California and loves it. She has wanted to live there ever since she was little, I think.

She would be willing to go to any state (except MD), though. I just don't know if I'll be able to get into a university with a low tuition and that will also give me a little money. Any help on that front? That could make the going with her option not so scary and mysterious.

 

[Badjedidude]

Hahaha, there's a very big difference between VISITING California and LIVING there. Lol, a large difference. It's like that tasty, sugary dish that you can only finish in little bits over a long period of time.

Seriously. I've never met anyone who was born outside of California who wanted to remain there...and Californians...well, they're hypnotized from birth to believe that they belong there, so they rarely venture out for long.

Haha, I'm being mildly sarcastic, but I kid you not...there is a grain of truth to what I say.

Smitty: There are plenty of smaller colleges/universities in the Midwest that have all sorts of grants and scholarships that you could apply for. For instance, the university that I attend is only about $16,000 for a 4-yr degree (about $1900 per semester of around 18 hours). Pretty cheap by Eastern standards, but still great education, IMHO. If you apply for scholarships, I suggest even applying for female-only scholarships. That's a neat trick I learned from a friend. If no one else applies, most of the time you'll get the money even if you're a guy. There's no shame in it!

----Steve