R
Rosebolt
Guest
Due to the assholery i have exhibited every now and then in the past month or so, i decided to, now that i have a holiday, really figure out what it is and how to kill it.
At first i thought it was pride sitting in my way, but it turned out to be something else. Every day i meditated on the subject and wrote my findings down.
This is day 3 to 6. Today will be day 7, so you're reading until now.
*Warning: Extremely long read.*
At first i thought it was pride sitting in my way, but it turned out to be something else. Every day i meditated on the subject and wrote my findings down.
This is day 3 to 6. Today will be day 7, so you're reading until now.
*Warning: Extremely long read.*
Day 3
A day of sloth has passed. I have been searching, but not enough.
The goal at hand is proving to be a difficult one.
I appear to have energy in spades, but no direction regarding its expenditure.
I am noticing an increase in awareness regarding this goal. Whenever a thought crosses my mind, i can more easily see where the focus lies.
The other, or myself.
It is important to draw lines. Everything can be diffirent than their surface.
Let's use an example that is relevant.
"I want to take good care of my sister."
On the surface, this seems to be selflessness or love. If you continue to look at this idea, a deeper meaning will become clear.
"I want to take good care of my sister, so that she and the around her will like me more."
This dictates self-centeredness, which should be good for what i want to achieve.
However, if you twist it just a little more, the true meaning will be clear.
"I want to take good care of my sister, so that i feel better about myself."
Here it indicates the dependancy and reliance on other people.
I cling too much to the image about me that other people may or may not uphold.
This leads me no further.
The rising question is:
How will i take the necessary distance from these insecurities, while still taking good care of my sister?
The question is the exact same in meaning as the goal from yesterday, only worded in a much more specific way.
Insecurities appear to play a greater role than expected, so what is the connection between insecurity and pride? Does pride live on insecurities?
After another review of the eightteen issues, it appears that not all of them can be linked to insecurities. If that is the case, pride has been proven not to live solely on insecurities.
The question is then, if pride can be dismantled seperately, or if a change of course is in order.
After a short meditation, it became clear to me that the pride i am fighting is indeed insecurity in disguise.
I want people to notice my percieved intelligence.
I want people to notice my percieved willpower.
I want people to notice me.
That's all there is behind it.
It has been so obvious, it's all clear to me now.
Even the goal remains the same. It has been right in my face the entire time.
I hereby declare war on my insecurities.
--
Day 4
The goal is clear, and so is the target, however the means to dismantle my insecurities remain unclear to me.
For now though, i know what to do. Identify my insecurities, find the source, and go from there.
My insecurities are rooted in me like my native language. Outside influence has been present since before i was born.
In the way my mother treated me, insecurities were born, like my very first spoken word, only to increase in quantity.
Is this really the root? The teachings of insecurities and comparisons?
Everything i did, had to go in a way other people wanted it to go, or else there would be big trouble. This is still the case, though alot more refined.
The only reason this is happening, is because i let it happen. But how does one forget one's own antive language? How does one change something that they learned to do all their life?
From here, it starts to become overwhelming. I need a different perspective, a different viewpoint.
This manner of thinking is continued because of the rewards it brings. So, turning those around in some way should reverse and eliminate the problem.
I have always claimed good self-knowledge. Testing of this has always proved these claims.
So who am i? What do i fight for? What are my ideals? Why do i wake up and get out of bed every morning?
I am a person who prefers solitude, but needs other people to survive, much to my dislike. Not just any person will do, i want to be understood, cared for, feel at ease.
I am looking for peace and quiet, a tranquel place, where i can be me, and live to learn, all alone, until i die. Live to find Her, the beauty of the world, in all things. To be find Her, and be together at last. Away from the madness. From the void. From the people.
Those are the core elements of me. It is obvious that i long for tranquelity above all.
In the short run, pleasing other people gives more peace than disobedience does. This, i have learned since before i was born. I never considered the other option, since there never were any visible to me.
I need soemthing big, not just Iceland. Altough that is big, and actually exactly what i need.
Even though i have never once seen it, i must be able to imagine what the purest of beauty is like.
Is it really without people? Or is that only because of my hatred of humanity, awakened after all these years? Or am i afraid that there won't be people near me to look after me?
Where is your self-knowledge now, huh?
The goal is clear: Find out what this life goal, this peace and tranquelity, really is. What am i really looking for?
--
Day 5
Searching through light and dark, the accepted and unaccepted, the obvious, and the hidden, meaning still eludes me, like the night eludes the day.
I have become more and more aware of exactly how deep-rooted these insecurites are, how quick and how subtle the comparisons are made. Like the roots of a tree.
How does a tree survive without its roots?
Find another footing, another source of water.
A tree cannot simply move. How does it move?
Anger seems to be my go to solution these days, but it stems from the source i seek to destroy as much as anything.
What is peace? What is tranquelity? I've always been at war. Even now, i just declared war on myself.
A matter of perspective? Small sacrifice for the greater good? One of the principles of war, as well.
Warring on peace. Being at peace with war. Is there peace in being at war against my insecurities? The war on war is an ally to peace?
Peace is never the means to an end, just the result. A utopic ideal stemming from the tranquelity of all things.
I envision a sight of natural beauty, engulfed in silence.
True silence is not the absence of sound, but a state where no sound around you bothers you in the slightest.
Thus, it is possible to live in peace while being surrounded by disapproving and hateful remarks.
This means that true peace, does not come from Iceland. It does not come from nature. It comes from within. Hidden by a 20 year thick barrier of insecurities and comparisons.
I never heard the sound of peace, because i never listened. If emigrating to Iceland will help me to find my inner peace, then i must go there as soon as i can. But i can start, or continue my search, right here and now.
I need to meditate on this.
--
Day 6
Even though no clear offenses have been launched, i'm already feeling and noticing results.
This does not mean i can slack off, though.
Awareness has grown, and so has my confidence. Obviously at a very minor rate, but noticable.
Music is a defining part of me, and tranquelity resides within it, as it resides in all things. When i'm back at my dad's house tomorrow, i have alot i want to search through. New music means new answers.
As for what i can do right this moment, there is an issue i want to point out.
People appearing self-confident and happy, do not lose the ability to love and care for others closest to them. How can i do that if i have no insecurities? Will that love become the bitter and self-centered kind the media feeds me with? There won't be any fear of being left alone, fear of what they might think, any of that bullshit will be gone.
So why would one want to feel love for someone if not for a self-build, rose-tinted mirror? Isn't that the height of insecurity?
So what is love? A bond based on trust, loyalty, and mutual attraction? All these things require two people, right?
The only possible explanation, that i can come up with, is that the loved object becomes a part of the lover.
I guess that is where the phrase "stole my heart" stems from.
To love and care for a person without ever wanting or expecting anything in return, because you are essentially taking care of yourself.
So when the loved would die, one would have to detach oneself from the loved object, in order to literally avoid losing a part from oneself. Does true love then include the void one will feel when the loved has deceased? Is that part of the sacrifice? The sacrifice to oneself.
So that would mean that people with simple crushes are all insecure? Unlikely, but possible.
Actually, it makes quite alot of sense.
