The Horrible Truth

[Jesse]

It seems like every day I figure out something new. In the past year and a half a lot of things in my life have changed. I used to never do much of anything outside of the house. I spent most of my time inside on the computer. The rest of my time was spent at work.

I've always had myself convinced that women could not like me romantically. I couldn't conceive of someone wanting to talk to me or get to know me. Things aren't how I have perceived them to be.

I've recently started taking care of myself. I've been keeping a nice goatee trimmed up. I've been wearing my contacts and I've also been getting in better shape. Since this stuff has been going on I've noticed women showing interest in me. I don't know if it's because I look like I'm taking care of myself now or if it's because I've become more active in life. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

I went to a pet store the other day to buy an aquarium for some frogs I caught. This attractive lady started talking to me and showed a beautiful smile. She was so friendly. She helped me carry things out to my car. She told me that the next day they were having a special event to celebrate the store's 10th anniversary and that I should stop by. I realized I knew she was flirting with me. I'm starting to notice stuff like this now.

I was too afraid to go back to the pet store the next day. I could not face having to talk to her again. Instead I went out with some friends. At this outing there were two young ladies that I noticed. One of them came up to me and put her hand on my chest and arm while passing me as she went inside the building. A little bit later I went in as well. After I sat down the other woman's friend came up to me and started talking with me. I noticed my anxiety rising. I couldn't take it. I went outside, found my friend's car and hid until my friends were ready to leave.

... and so I discovered the horrible truth.

The horrible truth is that I convinced myself women could not like me because I was avoiding my fear. It was an excuse I made up so I wouldn't have to face the fact that women are interested. I have to face the fact that I have no clue how to interact socially and that I'm afraid of doing something wrong or messing up somehow. I didn't have women showing interest in me because I wasn't there, I was at my computer at home. Now that I'm out and doing things where the women are, they're talking to me.

I am literally terrified. I find myself wanting to avoid going to that petstore ever again. I've thought of other pet stores that I can go to instead. What happens if someone there does the same thing as the last person? I can't keep avoiding it. I can't heal unless I face this fear. I have to get over this. I have to let it go. I must face the horrible truth. I can't hide forever.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Jesse.

You are a good person. I just wish YOU knew that.

The truth is. You WILL mess up. Heck, everyone does. But the truth is also, that you are a good person.

And though you may stumble, be confident of your inner goodness and that other people WILL see it.

Because they will.

 

[Jesse]

Thanks Sophia. I'm trying really hard to overcome this stuff. I know I can do it!

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I have an inferiority complex when it comes to men. A lot of things in my life has added to it. I guess it's kind of different for me because I believe men can not love me no matter what I do. I've had men ask me out before and cried because I thought they were making jokes at my expense. Because I'm not attractive enough for men to do that.

I've only had one boyfriend: the one I have now and that's because he stuck by me after I burst into hysterical tears because I thought he was making fun of me when he said I was "gorgeous" one day when we were just friends. He comforted me and made sure I understood that he really meant it and that it wasn't some joke he was playing on me and then we started dating not too long afterwards.

It is VERY hard to face these issues when it comes to the opposite gender. It is very hard to not put them on a pedastool and feel like you are unworthy of their company. Which is why I never want to be single again because I can't handle facing those fears anymore. It's so miserable.

But the people you find attractive are imperfect too. You will make mistakes, but the love that's worth finding is the girl that loves you and your "mistakes" not the ones that expect you to be perfect. That isn't true love. My boyfriend and I have messed up around each other and in our relationship in general lots and lots of times. Honestly, me crying because he called me gorgeous shouldn't have been a successful way to start a relationship between us, but it was. It's pretty weird for a girl to behave that way over a compliment.

And I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a wonderful guy and I'm sorry that you don't believe that enough.

 

[Nina]

Jesse,
I've been reading your words for some time now and can only say that if your half as sweet and charming in person as you are in here, Your a winner. I totally agree with Enchanted's take as well. We all make mistakes, every single, one of us. You can break out of this fear. Start by looking in the mirror and also into your own mind and start looking for the bright and wonderful man we've all already discovered. He's in there, you'll see....

 

[PurpleDays]

You can doooooooo it. The original woman obviously thought you were someone interesting and brilliant and worth her time - she wanted to see you again!

That is SUCH a big step. It's just the next one to do after... it may seem big, but it's just as hard as the first one.

Goatee and contacts? Sa-mokin' . Take it step by step

 

[VanillaCreme]

We're not that scary, Jesse. We'll only bite if you want us to.

 

[edgecrusher]

i know exactly how you feel. i do the same thing to myself for some reason. i know that im kinda socially akward and i fear interacting with people because of it. its a catch-22 because to get over it you just have to do it... but doing it is the hardest part. ugh... what are we to do with ourselves?

 

[Badjedidude]

We'll only bite if you want us to.

Prease bites me.

I wantz.

 

[Jesse]

I have an inferiority complex when it comes to men. A lot of things in my life has added to it. I guess it's kind of different for me because I believe men can not love me no matter what I do. I've had men ask me out before and cried because I thought they were making jokes at my expense. Because I'm not attractive enough for men to do that.

I've only had one boyfriend: the one I have now and that's because he stuck by me after I burst into hysterical tears because I thought he was making fun of me when he said I was "gorgeous" one day when we were just friends. He comforted me and made sure I understood that he really meant it and that it wasn't some joke he was playing on me and then we started dating not too long afterwards.

It is VERY hard to face these issues when it comes to the opposite gender. It is very hard to not put them on a pedastool and feel like you are unworthy of their company. Which is why I never want to be single again because I can't handle facing those fears anymore. It's so miserable.

But the people you find attractive are imperfect too. You will make mistakes, but the love that's worth finding is the girl that loves you and your "mistakes" not the ones that expect you to be perfect. That isn't true love. My boyfriend and I have messed up around each other and in our relationship in general lots and lots of times. Honestly, me crying because he called me gorgeous shouldn't have been a successful way to start a relationship between us, but it was. It's pretty weird for a girl to behave that way over a compliment.

And I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a wonderful guy and I'm sorry that you don't believe that enough.

We are sort of similar in how we see ourselves. What I've had to learn is to start accepting the good things people say about me. If someone tells me I'm nice or attractive I accept it now. I used to just tell myself they were being nice, but that even started to aggravate a few who really meant their compliments.

I know you can get through these things too. Any time you're having trouble with anything just come to the site and someone here will help.

You're right too about putting the opposite sex on a pedastool. One of my friends told me they're no different from us and that we shouldn't act any different. It really is true. We just have to learn to be ourselves.

I think you're right about not believing I'm a good guy too. I avoid talking to women because I feel like I'm not good enough. I really try to be a good person, but I doubt myself all the time. I'm getting there though!

You seem like a wonderful person Enchanted Girl! Don't ever doubt it.

Jesse,
I've been reading your words for some time now and can only say that if your half as sweet and charming in person as you are in here, Your a winner. I totally agree with Enchanted's take as well. We all make mistakes, every single, one of us. You can break out of this fear. Start by looking in the mirror and also into your own mind and start looking for the bright and wonderful man we've all already discovered. He's in there, you'll see....

Thanks Nina. I'm just afraid to be myself out there in person. Forums are a lot different than being out. In the real world I have a limited window to make some kind of impression on someone's mind, but in the forum you can get to know me over a long period of time. I think it's more difficult in the real world, BUT it's not going to stop me from trying. I've just got to be myself and not be afraid to talk to women. I should not worry about trying to make an impression on them and just be myself. Maybe if i can just be myself, that'll make a good impression.

I will get over my fears. I know I will.

You can doooooooo it. The original woman obviously thought you were someone interesting and brilliant and worth her time - she wanted to see you again!

That is SUCH a big step. It's just the next one to do after... it may seem big, but it's just as hard as the first one.

Goatee and contacts? Sa-mokin' . Take it step by step

You're right purple. I knew she was interested in seeing me again, I was just too afraid. My biggest fear is being myself. I know why... because I could never be myself growing up. I had to be on edge and be constantly mindful of myself and actions. I'm stuck in that mode, but I don't have to do that anymore! Eventually I'll get it worked out.

Thanks.

We're not that scary, Jesse. We'll only bite if you want us to.

lol. Maybe just a nibble.

i know exactly how you feel. i do the same thing to myself for some reason. i know that im kinda socially akward and i fear interacting with people because of it. its a catch-22 because to get over it you just have to do it... but doing it is the hardest part. ugh... what are we to do with ourselves?

We can't run forever right? We'll always be miserable. We've got nothing to lose by being ourselves do we? You can do it man.

I've always had myself convinced that women could not like me romantically. I couldn't conceive of someone wanting to talk to me or get to know me. Things aren't how I have perceived them to be.
I remember those days heh years...


I don't know if it's because I look like I'm taking care of myself now or if it's because I've become more active in life.
You do know why, your selfesteem hasn't caught up yet.


I realized I knew she was flirting with me. I'm starting to notice stuff like this now.
Sounds more like you wanted to perceive her doing her job as flirting really. You seem alot more approachable then prior and you probably should just take it as a compliment that she felt comfortable talking to you. It also says your confidence levels are rising


I was too afraid to go back to the pet store the next day. I could not face having to talk to her again.
It's not the end of her world, really, she'll make it another day and don't worry you can still go there and she's not going to flip out over you not being there. If you liked shopping there then by all means continue.


Instead I went out with some friends. At this outing there were two young ladies that I noticed. One of them came up to me and put her hand on my chest and arm while passing me as she went inside the building.
Okay *Thumbs up* she's digging your bodice, if a chick didn't want to touch you she wouldn't, she'd just say "Excuse me" sans body contact


A little bit later I went in as well. After I sat down the other woman's friend came up to me and started talking with me. I noticed my anxiety rising. I couldn't take it. I went outside, found my friend's car and hid until my friends were ready to leave.
...ouch, she probably took it as an insult...people do mull things over in their minds from time to time.

... and so I discovered the horrible truth.

:p's post Edited by current poster:: YES! MY INITIAL REACTION THAT WOMEN COULDN'T LIKE ME IS NOT TRUE! I just have to find a way to harness this new nervous energy and focus it into showing them the true me. (Hmm) But what should I do? (d) I dun wanna, it sounds hard. (goo) BUT! Now I'll be able to tell when I make a girl nervous! (cry2) I'm still going to be nervous!

Start small, find a stranger that you could never possibly in a billion years be attracted to. Strike up a small conversation about nothing, perhaps they just walked out of a convenience store with a drink you've never had. You could ask them "excuse me miss, how is the drink and is it worth buying? " followed by " does it work? does it taste good? " Then cut them off with a smile and announce maybe you'll try it. This brief scenario puts you in full control with the pace you want, how you want and when you want it.

I used to just plain lock up when I had an attractive girl talk to me, I mean I just kept walking or just sat there not doing anything at all. It was like going comatose with nothing but adrenaline coursing through my body, those stomach butterflies? definitely on steroids with blackbelts in juijitsu. You're honestly just being hard on yourself and preventing them from seeing you, enjoying you or even possibly liking you because you are having issues with your self image (panic at the disco with the 2 chicks earlier?). Even though people say I look athletic and inshape I still remember me being a fat ugly duckling and I still feel like it ....only though briefly sometimes, I feel downright sexy nowadays. (past few weeks have been pretty nice to me, must be the distance to the moon or something)

Keep maintaining an active lifestyle and taking care of your image, the memory of yourself you have will be phased into what you project yourself as. Your past doesnt' have to make you who you are, you determine who you are and will be in each interaction with a new person.




I like your posts and I hope you adapt to your newfound attractiveness to the opposite sex so you can be happy! You're a sweet guy, you just gotta accept that wimminz are going to like you after you decide to like yourself and start knowing that you deserve somebody that can make you happy.


::edit:: I saw your pic, they want your babies, a kind looking face goes a long way. no really it's been researched.

I really like your post. You've given me some insights on things and I hugely appreciate the time you put into it. I have to work soon or I'd comment more, but I will keep everything you've said in mind. Thank you so much!

 

[Luna]

 

[Nina]

Jesse--
Were you just being you when you reponded to all these posts? Because if that's the real you who went through all these words written to you, and replied with such care and attention to detail, then the "REAL" you is a wonderful person and nothing you could fabricate to make a "good impression" could come close to touching it. Your depth and consideration for others shines through and actually makes your fears and flaws endearing. Never worry about your real self being 'good enough' for others. Trust me on this, you're a rare and beautiful individual with NO varnish or huge changes needed. You'll no doubt meet, shallow and self revolving folks who may not recongnize all your worth but pay tham no mind, they probably don't recognize their own worth beyond thier looks, possessions or the attention others give them.

Always try to keep the fellow who wrote this post front and center. Get to know him and nurture all the qualities he owns and shares so willingly on this forum. He's valuable. There are other folks out there with the same sort of kind and sensitive nature, just like yours and you'll know and recognize them when you find them and they will know and appreciate you too.

No fear needed, you are absolutely fine just as you are. YOU just need to begin believing that and sharing YOU with more folks out there. You do humanity an injustice by hiding yourself away.

 

[Jesse]

So are you! I believe we're both sexy beasts, perhaps the last of our kind. If we don't do something soon our species will die off.

I really like your post. You've given me some insights on things and I hugely appreciate the time you put into it. I have to work soon or I'd comment more, but I will keep everything you've said in mind. Thank you so much!

Hahaha if you only really knew the truth , I read that post and just had to sign up to the forums and leave that tidbit. After awhile you'll see how that nervous energy can be translated into quite possibly the ride of your life. At the stage you're at when you learn to accept yourself you will be able to experience things like " love at first sight" etc. It's quite nice, you just have to be able to express yourself and not care what others think, remember it's confidence not cockiness that wins the race.

If you have any scenarios or predicaments drop me a line I'll be able to talk you through or give you another viewpoint for reference.


ciao

I'm getting there! I'm letting go of fear and anger. You're right too. Things are changing- I can see the ride of my life up ahead. It's scary to be honest. Today I'm going back to the pet store to buy some more frog food. I'm afraid to go back there because of that lady, but I can't be afraid anymore. I can't let it rule my life. Thank you for helping me out! Stick around on the forums; there are a lot of really awesome people here.

Jesse--
Were you just being you when you reponded to all these posts? Because if that's the real you who went through all these words written to you, and replied with such care and attention to detail, then the "REAL" you is a wonderful person and nothing you could fabricate to make a "good impression" could come close to touching it. Your depth and consideration for others shines through and actually makes your fears and flaws endearing. Never worry about your real self being 'good enough' for others. Trust me on this, you're a rare and beautiful individual with NO varnish or huge changes needed. You'll no doubt meet, shallow and self revolving folks who may not recongnize all your worth but pay tham no mind, they probably don't recognize their own worth beyond thier looks, possessions or the attention others give them.

Always try to keep the fellow who wrote this post front and center. Get to know him and nurture all the qualities he owns and shares so willingly on this forum. He's valuable. There are other folks out there with the same sort of kind and sensitive nature, just like yours and you'll know and recognize them when you find them and they will know and appreciate you too.

No fear needed, you are absolutely fine just as you are. YOU just need to begin believing that and sharing YOU with more folks out there. You do humanity an injustice by hiding yourself away.

You're really awesome Nina. I am just being myself here- I feel comfortable on the forum. I try to respond to people when they comment because they took the time to try and help me out.... something I appreciate very very much. I love this site and the people here.

Thank you so much for what you wrote. You make me feel really good. I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm just going to be myself. I hope you can do the same, because you're very sweet.

 

[Jesse]

I got some food for Frogzilla, Big Buford, Stimey, and my as yet unnamed frog. I bought some small goldfish for frogzilla. He's a beast!

 

[Nina]

(Yesterday 10:00 PM)Nina Wrote:
Jesse--
Were you just being you when you reponded to all these posts? Because if that's the real you who went through all these words written to you, and replied with such care and attention to detail, then the "REAL" you is a wonderful person and nothing you could fabricate to make a "good impression" could come close to touching it. Your depth and consideration for others shines through and actually makes your fears and flaws endearing. Never worry about your real self being 'good enough' for others. Trust me on this, you're a rare and beautiful individual with NO varnish or huge changes needed. You'll no doubt meet, shallow and self revolving folks who may not recongnize all your worth but pay tham no mind, they probably don't recognize their own worth beyond thier looks, possessions or the attention others give them.

Always try to keep the fellow who wrote this post front and center. Get to know him and nurture all the qualities he owns and shares so willingly on this forum. He's valuable. There are other folks out there with the same sort of kind and sensitive nature, just like yours and you'll know and recognize them when you find them and they will know and appreciate you too.

No fear needed, you are absolutely fine just as you are. YOU just need to begin believing that and sharing YOU with more folks out there. You do humanity an injustice by hiding yourself away.

You're really awesome Nina. I am just being myself here- I feel comfortable on the forum. I try to respond to people when they comment because they took the time to try and help me out.... something I appreciate very very much. I love this site and the people here.

Thank you so much for what you wrote. You make me feel really good. I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm just going to be myself. I hope you can do the same, because you're very sweet.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
{{{{{Jesse}}}}}} That's the spirit!! If you take all this sweetness and put it right, OUT THERE, you're gonna SHINE! Cause you already shine to us!

 

[SophiaGrace]

Nina.

You need to learn a bit of bb (bulletin board) code.

it's simple. It would help to quote things when you're replying to them.

 

[Nina]

^^^^^ TEACH ME Sophi!!! Pretty please! God knows, I need ALL the help I can get!

 

[Jesse]

{{{{{Jesse}}}}}} That's the spirit!! If you take all this sweetness and put it right, OUT THERE, you're gonna SHINE! Cause you already shine to us!

I went back to the petstore today. I decided I would do the opposite of what fear told me to do. I kept telling myself I have nothing to be afraid of. It was a big step

 

[Nina]

YAYYYYY Jesse! You are a PERFECT example for: You have nothing to fear but the fear itself!! Go get-em tiger!

 

[Avengard]

I find myself wanting to avoid going to that petstore ever again.

I do this exact same thing. Because I don't know how to chit chat and interact with people, I get severely anxious of meeting them, especially meeting the same person twice, even if it's just a store attendant. I never go to the same shop twice in a row, I use all the shops in my area over the course of a few weeks to avoid regular contact.

I don't make small talk at the counter. This often makes people think I am being ignorant or something, and they can get quick-mannered with me. I want to talk but I'm just petrified.

It's the same story wherever people are, such as if I go walking along a local route, I avoid going on he same one all the time, because once you see the same face more than once or twice, you are expected to stop and chat, and I haven't a clue about how to do that.

After a particularly uncomfortable, awkward or embarrassing experience, i do consider never going to that same place again.

Not sure if you get this but I'm also oversensitive to people's facial expressions. If they are smiling, or look happy, i warm to them. But if they pull an angry or odd face at me, I just feel uncomfortable and want to get out of there. The worst part is that i can't easily identify what it is that i am doing that makes them react the way they do, this adds to my social anxiety.

---

I went back to the petstore today.

Well done