The one way conversation

[TrailerTrish]

I've been running into this for many years, and it seems the only form of social interaction available to me anymore. I'm at a social occasion, a public place, and run into someone I know casually, who starts out the conversation with, "So hey girl, how are you doing? What's going on in your life?"

I start to tell them, because they asked, and before I can get anything meaningful out they interrupt me and start going on and on and on about their stuff, whipping out their iPhone to show me all their pictures, their Facebook page, and telling me all about everyone they know and all their stuff.

If I try to talk about what's going on with me (remember them asking me about that?) they just interrupt and go on about themselves, talking over me until I give up, or change the subject back to their stuff, and whatever they want to talk about.

This happened again yesterday at a karaoke bar, twice, with two different people, who it was clear only initiated the conversation to have someone to blather on and on to about their stuff. This has been going on for years with me, and I really do have to wonder if I just look to them like some receptacle they can dump into endlessly while shutting me out, or if others have this experience as well.

It seems quite ubiquitous anymore, and it seems everyone I meet anymore only wants to talk at me and not to me or with me. They sit down next to me, start what seems to be a conversation, and then just run roughshod all over me, completely ignoring me as a person with feelings and a life of my own in favor of having someone to endlessly spew their own stuff at, pouring out their ego, talking themselves up, going on about their problems, their politics, their opinions, ad infinitum while I sit there feeling used like a piece of toilet paper.

I often want to just get up and walk away without a word since it's obvious they won't let me get one in anyway. If that offends them so much the better. Perhaps I won't be bothered with them again.

I've been going through a pretty rough time of late, with absolutely no one I can talk to about any of it, so it's doubly painful to have to endure this treatment from these selfish people who care nothing at all about me, and who are all about themselves so completely.

I've always been socially isolated and this is one of the main reasons why. My loneliness has been particularly painful over the last two weeks, and this just rubs salt in the wound while cutting new wounds. These selfish people never have the least thought about the other person or what they might want to share, they are totally about themselves.

More and more it seems to me that there are only two kinds of people out there, these selfish egoists, and those who just freeze me out altogether. It really does seem a very cold and empty world, and at present I have a very low opinion of society at large.

 

[Sute]

When this happens I say:

''I have little to no interest in the things you are telling me.''

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It happens alot in bars.
Ive listen to many many drunks go on
And on and on about themselves.

I also support groups wbere some people
Just go on and on and on.
Most sharing time is 5 mins so
This way everyone have chance to
Talk and let out whats botherning them.
We all cant keep it all inside.
Ive also learn how to be a listener over
The years....sonetines my tolerance gets
Push beyond my limits...ill simply
Walk out of the meeting to take a break.
General someone will come talk to me
Or rather listen to me one on one.
Support groups help each other in this way.
Its therapy. You can also get a sponsor
To work with you. Someone you can call
Or listen to you...

---

After you get to know people
You get phone numbers as a net
Work to help each other. You
Return the favor..becuass everyone
Will eventually have bad days or let
Things out.

When first did therapy, it was difficult
For me to open up..becuase i gotten used
To keeping things inside and i was bacially
angery at the world...stuffing my anger.

---

Im going through the samething right nks
With my fiance...she gose on and on abkut herself.
Then ask my opinion...but i get cut off anyways.lol
I feel she dosnt hear what i say or
That any value to what i say.
She trying..
I do understand where shes at.
Ive built up tolerance to listening
To people go on and on.
But its like a broken record player.
Its a healing process for her. She needs

someone to listen to her.
I tolerate its because i love her
And understand the process.

Its also one if the reason j write
A lot on here

---

Theres not much people i can talk to
Because i recently moved.

 

[Nolife Princess]

.....It would be easy for me to tell you not to sweat it (cause that's what I do... I just don't) One of the cool things about being deaf/I am 75% and 50%-- so if or when somebody does that crap to me, I start yelling/talking, and they chalk it up to me being deaf... I chalk it up to them being an *******, and holler even more.
People are so insensitive and only think of themselves.. why ask 'how are you' to only butt in and start to bragg about their shitty life, that I absolutely could give a flip about, and simply see them as being a phoney bologna brain , who needs to go sit down.

Just remember you are a decent person, and keep your wits about you.. and screw them, they are self indulged!

*hugs*

 

[whispers]

Yes this happens alot, those who truly want to know whats going on in your life are very rare.
As soon as i feel like the conversation is sucking the life out of me, i say well good luck with that and move on to another table, or the bathroom.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

People do this a lot. I personally find it one of the most vacuous and irritating facets of human nature.

You'll also find how whenever you mention a success of yours to these people, they always respond with something they've achieved that they consider superior.

Similarly, if you mention something lacking in your life, they tend to go on about the fact that they have that in their life.

I had this really *bleeping* annoying "friend" in the past who would ask me every few weeks if I was single or not, knowing the answer already, then use my answer every time to launch into a self-congratulatory monologue on how wonderful his relationship was.

In the end I decided he was just a self-absorbed dick and I had a quiet smile to myself when she dumped him.

It's like passive aggression I guess, just an ego inflator for them.

Don't feel any worse about yourself when it happens, I think the majority of people get pretty sick with egocentric people like that.

I think it actually gets worse if you're a good listener. I tend to listen a lot and it sounds like you do too. I'm also too polite to tell them I don't care most of the time, so I very much know the feeling when you bump into someone like this and they don't shut up

I often want to just get up and walk away without a word since it's obvious they won't let me get one in anyway. If that offends them so much the better. Perhaps I won't be bothered with them again.

My father ran into an old workmate of his the other day while shopping. They had worked together for years.

The guy did exactly what you described, didn't even ask my Dad a single question. My father found it really depressing/surprising, which is unlike him. He's normally quite upbeat. So it really isn't just a phenomenon you're noticing or feeling the impact of.

I think in this modern day and age of technological progress coupled with more "life exposure", more and more people seem to be turning into self-obsessed, air-headed jerks.

Just look on some people's FB pages at their nights out, and notice how they are constantly posing for the cameras, pulling "the kiss face" or trying to lean into groups of the opposite sex.

Hedonism, looks, image and boasting to others is sadly a big part of society now. The one-sided BS conversations are just a symptom of that.

Fortunately, I think the majority of people still give a crap about others despite all these recent influences.

 

[lonely_one]

Its not just you! I hate when that happens, I get it had that happen many times especially in jobs where theres a group of people, they be all loud talking going on, I talk they cant hear me and talk over me then say Iam too quiet, I need to be louder and talk etc. Its them the ones with the issue though, not you.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Somewhere in a graveyard, tucked out of sight, a dilapidated headstone announces the death of Conversation. It is not alone in the gave, it joins its parents Courtesy and Compassion and will soon be joined by its children Intelligence and Interest.

Rest in peace Conversation, you shall be eternally missed and the world will be a far lonelier place without you my dear friend.

 

[TrailerTrish]

Thank you folks for your responses to the thread, and I guess it's not just me this happens to, but a very broad social illness going on everywhere. I might have known. How so many people become this way I can't say, but there's a lot of them out there and they seem to be just everywhere. I think it speaks to a sick society rotten with selfishness.

This is one of the main reasons I have no real friends and why it's so incredibly hard to meet anyone at all I can connect with on a personal level, and be close to. I'm sure it's the same for many many others. These people are just users and takers, who just take and take and take from others. It's all they do, and there's no getting away from them.

What I would give for just one person I could have a civil, intelligent, and enjoyable two-way conversation with, but it just seems impossible anymore with anyone.

---

People do this a lot. I personally find it one of the most vacuous and irritating facets of human nature.

You'll also find how whenever you mention a success of yours to these people, they always respond with something they've achieved that they consider superior.

Similarly, if you mention something lacking in your life, they tend to go on about the fact that they have that in their life.

I had this really *bleeping* annoying "friend" in the past who would ask me every few weeks if I was single or not, knowing the answer already, then use my answer every time to launch into a self-congratulatory monologue on how wonderful his relationship was.

In the end I decided he was just a self-absorbed dick and I had a quiet smile to myself when she dumped him.

It's like passive aggression I guess, just an ego inflator for them.

Don't feel any worse about yourself when it happens, I think the majority of people get pretty sick with egocentric people like that.

I think it actually gets worse if you're a good listener. I tend to listen a lot and it sounds like you do too. I'm also too polite to tell them I don't care most of the time, so I very much know the feeling when you bump into someone like this and they don't shut up

I often want to just get up and walk away without a word since it's obvious they won't let me get one in anyway. If that offends them so much the better. Perhaps I won't be bothered with them again.

My father ran into an old workmate of his the other day while shopping. They had worked together for years.

The guy did exactly what you described, didn't even ask my Dad a single question. My father found it really depressing/surprising, which is unlike him. He's normally quite upbeat. So it really isn't just a phenomenon you're noticing or feeling the impact of.

I think in this modern day and age of technological progress coupled with more "life exposure", more and more people seem to be turning into self-obsessed, air-headed jerks.

Just look on some people's FB pages at their nights out, and notice how they are constantly posing for the cameras, pulling "the kiss face" or trying to lean into groups of the opposite sex.

Hedonism, looks, image and boasting to others is sadly a big part of society now. The one-sided BS conversations are just a symptom of that.

Fortunately, I think the majority of people still give a crap about others despite all these recent influences.

Right on Sol, everything you said I see all the time, the one-upping is another big part of it, where they have to top you and come off superior. There are also those who, when you appear to know what you are talking about and actually have a brain, have to put you down and discredit you immediately, or, even worse, they have to make you out as stupid for even knowing that... because of course they didn't.

Another sub-species of this is the person who has to go on and on about all those they have shot down and defeated socially or on the job, and how they kicked them to the curb, showed them what's what, and beat them at whatever the game was, and don't you dare try to change the subject!

I quit a job because the manager was like this, and it's no surprise that she also had to make denigrating remarks to me all the time, I guess to assert her dominance and position.

I'm sure there are some good people out there somewhere, but they are very rare and hard to find. I've been running into all this social garbage for years now, in 5 states I've lived in and it seems to be everywhere.

I think this social behavior needs a name, and a place in the DSM IV.

 

[Anten]

TrailerTrish, no honeysuckle but I would listen to what you have to say because the more you drone on about yourself the less of a chance you find out how much of a loser I am. I try to do that all the time when talking to women.

 

[jjam]

Conversations work better when a subject is brought to light and there's mutual interest in that subject. Unfortunately, a green bean can't always talk to a green bean. For those interested in conversations, it pays to be knowledgeable and interested in a wide array of subjects. A green bean who is prepared to converse with the carrot, the corn, and the spinach is in a much better position to find good conversations than the green bean who encounters frustration when it doesn't find another green bean.

Knowing that the way I've been with people isn't the way I wish to be, I often think of ways to be different with people. For example. In considering that I am not always comfortable with phone conversations, I've decided to become more of a letter writer than ever before. When people ask me how I've been, do I really want to say "fine, and you?".... every single time? I most certainly do not! So robotic! Nevertheless, this is what I and so many others have become in communicating with each other. The good news is that it is never too late to start implementing potential solutions. Instead, maybe I could say "I'm fine! Thanks for asking. What are you most interested in these days?" That MIGHT set up a fun little chat.

So, it starts with us, trish. Maybe we're all a bit afraid to be who we can be but while we're here thinking about it, we should be thinking about and planning to implement potential solutions. Some days, you just have to say **** it and try a different approach to conversation. I'm working on it right now after recently having had a pretty dull conversation with someone. Instead of allowing this to discourage me from initiating contact with this person, I've got other plans.

 

[OurLadysTears]

This happens to me a lot too. To the point where I have some major communication issues. I think a lot of people have become so busy that it is hard for them to think of anything other than what is going on in their life. It makes it hard for people to actually sit and listen and enjoy the company of the other person. I run into some people that do take the effort to have a normal conversation, but I can see the trend you are talking about. What's even more difficult is that a lot of people tend to cling to those who listen and unload their problems, life, etc. because not many others have the time to listen to them. It is sad really.

 

[TrailerTrish]

It's not just their problems that people go on about, and in fact that's something I don't so much mind as I know how much I need to talk to someone from time to time about my own problems. What so irks me is when others dominate the conversation with talking themselves up and boasting about themselves, or trying to one-up you, topping anything you can say, and then going on to further talk themselves up, and come off superior to you, all the while cutting you off the instant you open your mouth, interrupting you, and talking over you to do this.

That's not the behavior of a troubled soul, but that of a self-absorbed egoist, and I find it offensive.

 

[jjam]

I try to keep in mind that I shouldn't feel offended by behaviors wrought from one's character flaws. It is who they are, independent of who I am.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

My brother, B, is a "professional" one way conversationalist. If he ever gets you on the phone, he can literally talk exclusively about himself for hours at a time. You might occasionally have to throw in an "uh huh", "yeah", or "okay", but he's pretty much got that whole the "conversation" thing covered. In person, he's even weirder. He'll start talking about himself as long as anybody is in the room; nobody even has to be listening, they just have to be around him and he considers this a conversation. For instance, when I stayed with my brother over the Christmas holiday, he launched into one of his one-way conversations while I and my cousin were in the room. My cousin, T, asked him who he was talking to, and he said he was talking to her. T was annoyed enough to tell him that she was busy and wasn't listening to anything he was saying. You'd expect him to stop there, but he then went on to say he was talking to me! I had to then tell him that I was also busy and wasn't going to listen to him. Finally, he shut up and went away.

 

[HappyYogi]

Trailertish

Great topic.

I know of these people and have experienced what you have. I think it has to do with strong personalities being attracted to weaker personalities so they can have their way.

I've had many of your experiences. I can think of two right now. I had an older woman give me a whole lecture right before the 2008 election on how much she hated x. Did she even ask how I felt? NO. She just assumed. She went on and on and yes, I felt I was her sounding board, not a person to converse with.

I had read somewhere that narcissists (strong personalities) often pick out the meaker (quieter, more humble, shyer) personality to act out their narcissist selves. No competition, right and it's so easy to control and take over a shy person rather than a stronger one.

Also, in regards to those who must "one up" or subtley put you down....I have a word for them. "Invalidators". I was reading a book called "Mean People" and in it the psychologist goes on about invalidators. The subtly put people down, make digs, invalidate you.

Please know it is about them, not you. Ditto for the narcissists.

You see, the kind of friends we need to make are probably on this board, to scared to reach out and thus the ones who DO come to us tend to be the narcississts!

The good news for me (and maybe you) is that because of my experience with these people I have improved my listening skills and I vow to never be like them for it's so rude, so uncharming. Blech! So while I hate it when others blast me, I can sit there and feel good I am not like them. : ) And that's a good feeling.

 

[SophiaGrace]

People don't know how to have relationships with one another I guess...