The pain lives in you... it files up.

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Dec 6, 2022
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I heard a quite times how naive I am. I am not a naive person, I always try to analyze the situation, and look for something good in the most hardest situations or persons. I've experienced getting betrayed with, for me, that was the worst experienced I've ever had. It's not something that you can just cry about and be okay the next day. The pain lives in you, it files up. The ghost of the past creeps on you in the most unexpected days, you thought it's completely over. Then your heart remembered the pain. Now I am trying to put a big wall to my heart, afraid getting hurt. I am always on high alert ⚠️ like for everyone.
Well, hopefully you won't make the wall permanent. If you do you'll never be able to love so deeply any more and you'll miss out on a lot. If possible, accept the pain, understand the pain, get angry about the pain, and then be done with the pain. But, remember the lesson that it taught you for next time.
When I think about what you said, I wish it was so easy... I did accept the pain, i got angry... pity, doubted and hated myself. But I can't help it, its my way to protect my heart. I accepted the apology, the explanation/reason, the pain... I can feel it, it's not the same anymore. i can feel it, i am starting to get tired.
Unfortunately It sounds pretty typical. The cycle goes meet, hurt, rebuild, and after a few of the cycles the construction of the wall begins. It tends to start from an early age when people are a lot more naive, that's not to say you still are, actually the contrary, more that you become less naive and colder after each time.

I suppose the trick is to build a security gate with a good screening process rather than a solid wall where nobody can get through. Of course this is a lot harder than it sounds. Lol.

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