Haz
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2009
- Messages
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I have been thinking to myself recently, that I feel a guilt that many of my motivations stem entirely from selfish, personal need.
Even in my desires to be charitable and help people, it seems to have a root in the image I project to the public, I always want to come across as a helpful, caring individual who will put their back out to help others, and I guess in a way I kind of unconsciously fish for external validation in this manner. I genuinely feel good when somebody praises me for my generosity, but really when it comes down to it the way I seek happiness is by becoming the sum of what I consume. I need money to pursue my satisfaction, and in light of not having a job recently it has showed some really ugly, greedy sides in my personality I have had to face head on. In the back of my mind I would feel a sense of smug satisfaction that I was earning a hefty paycheck each week, that I could dine out at expensive restaurants wearing nice clothes and feel that I was above the common sucker who cleaned toilets or worked at a gas station for a living, cause I was focused, hardworking, intelligent and going places. I would spend all my money on enculturing myself in the world of video games, literature, films and pursuing hobbies like music as a way of feeling that I was understanding the world, and supposedly contributing to the wealth of human knowledge somehow with my own unique perceptions on how I judged these things.
I feel as if i've been deluded, and there is kind of grounded wisdom to be found in people that don't earn lots of money, people who aren't traditionally educated, people who don't seek the fast track career so they can get all the rewards and feel the heights of what it is like up the top, or at least above some other chump despite the constant pressure of dread of what is gonna happen if you get axed and can't pay the mortgage, and seeing through the superficiality of it all every step of the way.
Perhaps my loneliness is the punishment for all my mortal sins. I wish there was some way I could wipe the slate clean, I feel I want to help people who have real problems. I feel the need atone for my selfish thoughts with masochistic pain games, and spend more time focusing less on my own interests because in the end, it just leaves me feeling this sinking, horrible feeling in my gut and this chaotic turmoil in my head that reads as if something is very, very wrong with my brain.
Even in my desires to be charitable and help people, it seems to have a root in the image I project to the public, I always want to come across as a helpful, caring individual who will put their back out to help others, and I guess in a way I kind of unconsciously fish for external validation in this manner. I genuinely feel good when somebody praises me for my generosity, but really when it comes down to it the way I seek happiness is by becoming the sum of what I consume. I need money to pursue my satisfaction, and in light of not having a job recently it has showed some really ugly, greedy sides in my personality I have had to face head on. In the back of my mind I would feel a sense of smug satisfaction that I was earning a hefty paycheck each week, that I could dine out at expensive restaurants wearing nice clothes and feel that I was above the common sucker who cleaned toilets or worked at a gas station for a living, cause I was focused, hardworking, intelligent and going places. I would spend all my money on enculturing myself in the world of video games, literature, films and pursuing hobbies like music as a way of feeling that I was understanding the world, and supposedly contributing to the wealth of human knowledge somehow with my own unique perceptions on how I judged these things.
I feel as if i've been deluded, and there is kind of grounded wisdom to be found in people that don't earn lots of money, people who aren't traditionally educated, people who don't seek the fast track career so they can get all the rewards and feel the heights of what it is like up the top, or at least above some other chump despite the constant pressure of dread of what is gonna happen if you get axed and can't pay the mortgage, and seeing through the superficiality of it all every step of the way.
Perhaps my loneliness is the punishment for all my mortal sins. I wish there was some way I could wipe the slate clean, I feel I want to help people who have real problems. I feel the need atone for my selfish thoughts with masochistic pain games, and spend more time focusing less on my own interests because in the end, it just leaves me feeling this sinking, horrible feeling in my gut and this chaotic turmoil in my head that reads as if something is very, very wrong with my brain.
