Is being responsible a bad thing

[AFrozenSoul]

I guess it is a Mother's Day thing. Despite the fact that I am almost 40 and at my sister's wedding reception, I sat in a corner playing my PS Vita. My sister's husband's parents asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told them no; I explained my time is not worth much but has enough worth not to waste my time on such endeavors. They asked me why I felt that way. I explained that I did not want kids. I said there was no point putting up with a female if I was not going to have kids. Instead of nodding and saying they understand and leaving it at that. I got all the bullshit I got 15 years ago. Lamenting how I would make such a great boyfriend, it was such a waste. It was really annoying, but I kept my cool and said that was their opinion. That ruined my day.

This leads me to wonder why being responsible is a bad thing. I do not want kids. The best way to not have kids is to make sure you do not engage in the reproductive process. I choose not to do this. Yet, everyone speaks negatively about it. I could have come up with plenty of other reasons, like how 70 inches is seen as short, how I do not make six figures, or how I am fat. I choose to give a rational explanation, and people still lament me for it. I would appreciate any insight into why this happens.

I could not care less what they think. It just really annoys me to have to explain this, so I want to try to understand. That way, in the future, I can continue to be polite and not ruin family gatherings.

 

[ringwood]

I am curious why you automatically assume that having a girlfriend equates to having kids? Birth control exists, you know. Although by the way you write - “. . . I said there was no point putting up with a female if I was not going to have kids,” I kind of get the feeling you’re not interested in having a girlfriend at all?

Anyway, in regards to the question - no, I don’t think being responsible is a bad thing, nor do I think you’re obligated to explain your position to your family members or anyone else.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I agree with everything Ringwood said, but I'd like to add that there are women out there who also have no intention of ever having kids and even women who can't have kids, so I'd definitely wager there's more to that story....

 

[okidoke]

You sat in the corner playing games at your own sister’s wedding. I think people are maybe trying in a round about way to get you to learn how to be an adult.

 

[Unsigned]

I guess it is a Mother's Day thing. Despite the fact that I am almost 40 and at my sister's wedding reception, I sat in a corner playing my PS Vita. My sister's husband's parents asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told them no; I explained my time is not worth much but has enough worth not to waste my time on such endeavors. They asked me why I felt that way. I explained that I did not want kids. I said there was no point putting up with a female if I was not going to have kids. Instead of nodding and saying they understand and leaving it at that. I got all the bullshit I got 15 years ago. Lamenting how I would make such a great boyfriend, it was such a waste. It was really annoying, but I kept my cool and said that was their opinion. That ruined my day.

This leads me to wonder why being responsible is a bad thing. I do not want kids. The best way to not have kids is to make sure you do not engage in the reproductive process. I choose not to do this. Yet, everyone speaks negatively about it. I could have come up with plenty of other reasons, like how 70 inches is seen as short, how I do not make six figures, or how I am fat. I choose to give a rational explanation, and people still lament me for it. I would appreciate any insight into why this happens.

I could not care less what they think. It just really annoys me to have to explain this, so I want to try to understand. That way, in the future, I can continue to be polite and not ruin family gatherings.

You sound relatively content with your life.
And in that you certainly have me beat.

BTW, 5'10" is a normal height. I think Mel Gibson is 5'10".

As to why some people question your life decisions, especially when you are not hurting yourself or others?
They're busybodies.
Pay them no mind.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@ringwood and @TheRealCallie, my view is that if I am going to have a female in my life I might as well have kids. It can be hard to not get annoyed, given my age.

@okidoke Well the wedding was over ten years ago. The only people who know that I did that was my mom and stepbrother. It is just annoying being so old and having people treat me like I am some hormonal child.

@Unsigned My height was more in reference too the many dating profiles that of females stating that you need to be six feet tall. I am fine with people being busybodies as long as I am somewhere between the age of 18 and 30. However when you are almost 40 maybe it is deliberate.

 

[okidoke]

@okidoke Well the wedding was over ten years ago. The only people who know that I did that was my mom and stepbrother. It is just annoying being so old and having people treat me like I am some hormonal child.

oh. the way you wrote it made it sound like you wrote the post while actually at the wedding. some people always think they know what's best for others, and often they're basing that on a life that they themselves aren't even happy with.

and 5'10" isn't short! I'm only 5'7"

 

[TheSkaFish]

BTW, 5'10" is a normal height. I think Mel Gibson is 5'10".

Today I learned, I'm slightly taller than Mel Gibson.

Bow to your lord, Mel!

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Maybe misery enjoys company? lol

Seriously though.

There was a movie called, "Adrift in Tokyo." There was a scene, where, one of the main characters, had a friend who was his, 'fake girl friend (or was it fake wife?) Anyway, apparently some people had 'pretend girl friends/boy friends,' or, 'pretend wives/husbands,' to accompany them on family occasions to avoid having relatives do exactly as you described: pester them, be curious, nosey, etc..

 

[TheRealCallie]

Maybe misery enjoys company? lol

Seriously though.

There was a movie called, "Adrift in Tokyo." There was a scene, where, one of the main characters, had a friend who was his, 'fake girl friend (or was it fake wife?) Anyway, apparently some people had 'pretend girl friends/boy friends,' or, 'pretend wives/husbands,' to accompany them on family occasions to avoid having relatives do exactly as you described: pester them, be curious, nosey, etc..

There are so many movies with the fake girlfriend/boyfriend. lol Might be worth looking into if he's that sick of it.

@ringwood and @TheRealCallie, my view is that if I am going to have a female in my life I might as well have kids. It can be hard to not get annoyed, given my age.

@okidoke Well the wedding was over ten years ago. The only people who know that I did that was my mom and stepbrother. It is just annoying being so old and having people treat me like I am some hormonal child.

@Unsigned My height was more in reference too the many dating profiles that of females stating that you need to be six feet tall. I am fine with people being busybodies as long as I am somewhere between the age of 18 and 30. However when you are almost 40 maybe it is deliberate.

So women annoy you? Or kids annoy you? Also, 40 is not that old. Lots of people are dating in their 40's. Lots of people are starting over in their 40's and have already had their children and been divorced and don't wish to have anymore. I just don't understand why having a girlfriend means having kids to you. It's not my business of course and you don't have to explain it, if you don't want, I'm just confused.

Tell them to stfu about it if it bothers you so much.
But wait, you have been on dating sites or you are assuming based on what you've read about dating sites? There are obviously women out there who want men over 6 foot, but 5'10 is pretty close to 6 and I think most women would be find with that. Hell, I think most women are fine as long as you are taller than HER. And then there are also women out there who don't give a honeysuckle how tall you are (yes, shocker, I know)

You said in your OP that you are 40 and sitting at your sister's wedding reception and you say you're 40, how was it 10 years ago?

 

[okidoke]

You said in your OP that you are 40 and sitting at your sister's wedding reception and you say you're 40, how was it 10 years ago?

The OP was confusing me too

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sorry about the confusing text. When I am frustrated, I tend to just write. My frustration is with the fact that I am almost 40 and have never had a girlfriend. You would think that people would realize this might be deliberate.

@TropicalStarfish That thought has crossed my mind. Find some illegal alien and make a deal with her to get married. The only problem is what happens if she gets pregnant. Part of the deal would be that she could have boyfriends, but they would not be at our house. Then I am on the hook for that kid. Hence, I shelved the idea.

@TheRealCallie I find people who choose not to have children to be bad people. I view myself as immoral for doing so. Hence, I say that if I am going to engage in such activities, I am going to have kids. However, as a child I watched how both my sisters treated their boyfriends and other men who they put in the friend-zone. I also watched my older brother spend all his time working and going to school and wasting hundreds of dollars, lots of money, 25 years ago, only to come home empty-handed. Disgusted by what I saw, I lost all interest in females, outside of my built-in desire to reproduce. However, I can overcome that by reminding myself of all the horrible stuff I saw and heard. My youngest sister has no filter around me.

 

[Unsigned]

Find some illegal alien and make a deal with her to get married. The only problem is what happens if she gets pregnant. Part of the deal would be that she could have boyfriends, but they would not be at our house. Then I am on the hook for that kid. Hence, I shelved the idea.

That's not the only problem.
Immigration services WILL check up on you and your wife.
To make sure it is not a sham marriage for green card.
And will expect to see things like joint bank accounts, going on vacations together, etc...
The penalty for sham marriage?
I believe can be as bad as 2 years in fed prison.


EDIT:
I was wrong.
It is up to 5 years and $250K fine.
Ouch.

https://www.justice.gov/archives/jm...48-marriage-fraud-8-usc-1325c-and-18-usc-1546

A finding that an alien entered into a fake marriage to circumvent this country's immigration laws can also lead to a denial of other immigration benefits. Many immigration benefits like asylum, DACA, and TPS require a favorable exercise of discretion on the part of USCIS or an immigration judge. A finding that an alien entered a fraudulent marriage is an adverse factor, which usually weighs heavily against the exercise of discretion. It is important to note that engaging in marriage fraud does not only expose a person to severe immigration consequences, but also criminal penalties. A person who enters into a marriage for the purpose of evading any provision of the INA can be prosecuted and if convicted, faces term of imprisonment for up to five years, a fine of up to $250,000.00, or both imprisonment and a fine. See 8 U.S.C. § 1325(c).

 

[AFrozenSoul]

That's not the only problem.
Immigration services WILL check up on you and your wife.
To make sure it is not a sham marriage for green card.
And will expect to see things like joint bank accounts, going on vacations together, etc...
The penalty for sham marriage?
I believe can be as bad as 2 years in fed prison.


EDIT:
I was wrong.
It is up to 5 years and $250K fine.
Ouch.

https://www.justice.gov/archives/jm...48-marriage-fraud-8-usc-1325c-and-18-usc-1546

A finding that an alien entered into a fake marriage to circumvent this country's immigration laws can also lead to a denial of other immigration benefits. Many immigration benefits like asylum, DACA, and TPS require a favorable exercise of discretion on the part of USCIS or an immigration judge. A finding that an alien entered a fraudulent marriage is an adverse factor, which usually weighs heavily against the exercise of discretion. It is important to note that engaging in marriage fraud does not only expose a person to severe immigration consequences, but also criminal penalties. A person who enters into a marriage for the purpose of evading any provision of the INA can be prosecuted and if convicted, faces term of imprisonment for up to five years, a fine of up to $250,000.00, or both imprisonment and a fine. See 8 U.S.C. § 1325(c).

True, that would be annoying, but easy to stage. Either way I know that she would break the rules and get pregnant. So I just take the criticism.

 

[okidoke]

What makes not having children immoral? Having children isn’t mandated in any way shape or form by any government or religion as far as I know. Procreation is more of an instinctive thing, species generally like to continue being around, so they procreate, but when especially there are enough producing offspring, there shouldn’t be a feeling of obligation or immorality to do so.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Responsibility is usually the first step towards trading your dreams for facial hair, booze, cigarettes, and foul language

Nah just kidding, having kids or not is a personal choice, it's not really about morality or anything else. You have to do what's right for you. I would say don't have them if you don't want them, because you will only resent the work you have to put into them later.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Sorry about the confusing text. When I am frustrated, I tend to just write. My frustration is with the fact that I am almost 40 and have never had a girlfriend. You would think that people would realize this might be deliberate.

@TropicalStarfish That thought has crossed my mind. Find some illegal alien and make a deal with her to get married. The only problem is what happens if she gets pregnant. Part of the deal would be that she could have boyfriends, but they would not be at our house. Then I am on the hook for that kid. Hence, I shelved the idea.

I just meant something like hiring some one, or having an agreement with some one, to pretend to be your girlfriend for family occasions. I mean, that wouldn't work if you were very close to family; but, for the occasional get-together, people wouldn't be pestering you about being single if you showed up with, for all they knew, 'a girlfriend.'

That's all I was saying.