Kid_A said:
For the past couple months I have been trapped in my head.
At night I can't sleep and all I want to do is sleep. I find myself in this aversive state of hopelessness and feeling so trapped that I can't help but research the means to an end. Having all the knowledge I need now, somehow makes me feel better. But I can't help researching more and more, even researching how families of bereaved can learn to cope.
I'm don't want to torture my family or cause them anymore pain. My head often aches when I stop using my daily mask, my shell, and question myself as to where I can go.
In high school I used to spend lunch in an empty piano room where I taught myself to play piano and wrote songs drawing pictures on paper where the note would be. I have songs that play in my head now, melodies that sound like a fading heart beat.
People I love waving goodbye in the fog I got lost in, I wish I could have showed them how much they meant but nothing I could ever draw or write conveyed what I meant.
I've always felt I didn't belong and in ways I didn't want to.
I've talked to some of the kindest people on these forums. Thank you for the help I never got anywhere else. Maybe someone can understand me.
These are the images and thoughts that plague my head:
I felt like posting so you know that someone wants to help.
I'm a bit out of touch because I've been quite socially isolated for some time, so you'll have to excuse if my attempts at helping you are crude (because I haven't helped many people recently).
I tend to have a thing for analysing people, so I'm hoping my analysis of you might be of some help in some way (as I do want to help you).
I've read over the image you attached of your thoughts, and despite the writings on paper (which you seem to feel limited by the limitations of words to express your point of view) you come across as an artist who prefers visual and audible references to express themselves, and the melody seems to be the key, the anchor in all of this.
As far as I can grasp, the people who loved you waving goodbye in the fog are people who have passed on (or have left you as though the fog of life, and death, has consumed them) and you're concerned that you too are now getting lost in the same fog, feeling unable to reach out or communicate with them (with the fog acting akin to a fog of war: preventing communication of either visual or spoken forms).
The melody acts as to the reminder of previous isolation away from other people, as though a warning sign from your subconscious as if to say 'warning, you're feel isolated, here is the melody of isolation to warn you'.
In effect, you want to cut through the fog and reach out to others, but you find yourself floating away. The flash of previously good memories but the inability to reach them is showing how you feel unable to escape the fog, the retreat into your mind a self-defence mechanism of escapism (by ignoring the external you can soften things, in the same way a gamer might use a virtual environment as a form of escapism). This is a natural occurrence and all people do it in different forms (alcoholics might blot out memories with alcohol to escape bad experiences. I personally introvert and imagine).
In a sense, your main theme is the fear of the loss of loved ones who you hold close, coupled with a sense of monotonity and sameness, as well as the inability to reach out for others for help, fearing criticisms from others who ultimately don't help you, so you replay previous experiences hoping to alleviate some of the depressive overtones with the subtle overall theming towards sleeping fog and thus death, with coupled preparation behaviours (setting aside finances etc).
When loved ones deal with the loss of someone, it isn't the financial cost of the funeral that bothers them, but the void of that person's absence (absence, as they say, makes the heart grow fonder, and, as the saying goes, you don't know what you have had until you've lost it).
People tend to take things that are always there for granted, not showing the appreciation for it. Consider how people use taps with water that but a hundred years ago (a single lifetime for some) would not be there, and are thus unaware how important, for cleaning, for drinking, for cooking, it is, until it's cut off or runs out.
People can naturally do this with other people, and when you experience it, it feels horrible because, in some way, you either feel very much ignored, unable to reach out, or used, as if you're a feature to take for granted. It's common for humans to not show their appreciation for who they have.
Likewise, I appreciate the fact you're around. You offer a different point of view, and I'm not much of an artist and I definitely cannot play the piano which is a skill you have there.
However, there are two things to consider here: one, people don't and won't always fully appreciate you are around (consider how mothers, only after their children have left the house, miss the children), and two, what kind of loss your absence might cause cannot simply be calculated in a financial means.
Indeed, if you read the stories of survivors of suicide (not people who survive suicide, as the phrase might imply, but the people who are left behind after the person has committed suicide, the ones who 'survive' it, so to speak), you will find most of them express regret for not telling the person who died how much they actually deep down loved them, and that they would have done anything to keep them around (in that they didn't care what problems or issues they had).
In my case, I appreciate you enough to take time out to write a reply to your thread hoping to help, even if my help might not be that helpful.
You should go someday, there are holiday rentals along the beach and I know down the coast further there's a hotel or something. I hope a big hotel never comes up in Playa Encanto. 
