Sakura
Member
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2009
- Messages
- 15
- Reaction score
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Uhm... i don't know how I have to express that. But I can't bear keeping all this inside myself because I feel like wanting to destroy everything. I just want to go back to my bed and cry about things I can't change.
It started with:
"What's your daughter doing nowadays? Did she move out of your house? I didn't see here recently..."
"No, she's still living with me."
"And what's she doing nowadays? Is she doing an apprentice ship?"
"No, she want to go study so she will go on with the school stuff."
My mother is telling that more and more people. And I feel a pressure on my shoulders - getting bigger and heavier.
I hate this feeling. Being judged from others. Even from the own family.
I can't beg my mother to keep her mouth shut and answering questions about my future which is still unclear to me.
I don't know what to become. I have a lot of interests but I can't earn money with them. But I'm getting older. I'm already 21 and didn't have any working experiences. I'm still stucked in high school homeschooling - made for adults who didn't have a high school graduation - and I'm already having difficulties with it.
I'm suffering social phobia and I'm all the time in my room which I feel safe the most. I'm crying all the time in my heart while I'm smiling at the same time. Nobody knows me at all. My mother always says to me that I have to make some thoughts about my future. What I want to become?
But I have no choices. I don't know... I just don't know a thing.
If I had to get out of the house to do something with my mother then I feel like crying and wanting go back to our house - because I don't want to do anything with other people. I don't want to see or talk them too.
But I have to do it and I hate it. Because.... nobody knows me at all.
But the society is asking me things I can't do at the moment. If I'm checking some job offers at job sites in WWW I'm already dead from reading the requirements. Teamwork? Being sociable? Being communicative?
C'mon - I wouldn't even stand an interview.
And just for the case - if I'm in a job I don't know how long I can have it. I would always wake up with headaches in the morning and have just one thing in my mind: "How can I survive the day without making mistakes? Please let the time run fast!"
It would be like in school when I was bullied for years from a lot of people. From other classmates and from the teachers...
And I have always that feeling that I'm one of the most useless things in this world. I can't do at least one thing well... and nobody really does need me.
But the society around me is expecting me to have a job already. To leave the house at 7am and going home at 5pm. And being NORMAL at least. And... and... and...
Uhh...
I'm so sick of this society. It's nothing of its part what I'm going through.
But the society is making me really depressed because I just don't know a **** thing...
I'm sorry for making such a story... but I really don't know what I have to do... I just need to let it out to the world. *sigh*
It started with:
"What's your daughter doing nowadays? Did she move out of your house? I didn't see here recently..."
"No, she's still living with me."
"And what's she doing nowadays? Is she doing an apprentice ship?"
"No, she want to go study so she will go on with the school stuff."
My mother is telling that more and more people. And I feel a pressure on my shoulders - getting bigger and heavier.
I hate this feeling. Being judged from others. Even from the own family.
I can't beg my mother to keep her mouth shut and answering questions about my future which is still unclear to me.
I don't know what to become. I have a lot of interests but I can't earn money with them. But I'm getting older. I'm already 21 and didn't have any working experiences. I'm still stucked in high school homeschooling - made for adults who didn't have a high school graduation - and I'm already having difficulties with it.
I'm suffering social phobia and I'm all the time in my room which I feel safe the most. I'm crying all the time in my heart while I'm smiling at the same time. Nobody knows me at all. My mother always says to me that I have to make some thoughts about my future. What I want to become?
But I have no choices. I don't know... I just don't know a thing.
If I had to get out of the house to do something with my mother then I feel like crying and wanting go back to our house - because I don't want to do anything with other people. I don't want to see or talk them too.
But I have to do it and I hate it. Because.... nobody knows me at all.
But the society is asking me things I can't do at the moment. If I'm checking some job offers at job sites in WWW I'm already dead from reading the requirements. Teamwork? Being sociable? Being communicative?
C'mon - I wouldn't even stand an interview.
And just for the case - if I'm in a job I don't know how long I can have it. I would always wake up with headaches in the morning and have just one thing in my mind: "How can I survive the day without making mistakes? Please let the time run fast!"
It would be like in school when I was bullied for years from a lot of people. From other classmates and from the teachers...
And I have always that feeling that I'm one of the most useless things in this world. I can't do at least one thing well... and nobody really does need me.
But the society around me is expecting me to have a job already. To leave the house at 7am and going home at 5pm. And being NORMAL at least. And... and... and...
Uhh...
I'm so sick of this society. It's nothing of its part what I'm going through.
But the society is making me really depressed because I just don't know a **** thing...
I'm sorry for making such a story... but I really don't know what I have to do... I just need to let it out to the world. *sigh*