The ultimate weapon...

[CenotaphGirl]

So me and my ex have been irresponsible in many areas, but a huge area is with our little one.
We fight, play games, indulge in toxic behaviours and make each other jealous on any given day...
We never stopped to think about how our little one could be affected by this, so now, I am in a strange situation,
Now I have to hear her crying for us to be back together, crying because her "dad" told her I don't love "them" anymore.
It really wont help saying "oh no... it's him I dont love anymore"... I feel sick, I hate my life, I feel like a failure and I just don't know what to do.
I have let her down so many times, but being a mum is literally my whole existence, I care about little else in this world.

My ex sent me various pictures of us as a family, with a long message about us and trying again, then messages me after that he's moving on.
Everyone said it was simply manipulation, wants me to be jealous of new girlfriend number whatever she is (he's only known for a matter of weeks), also wants her to meet our little one.
I decided I don't know what to do, say yes to prove I am not jealous ? Or say no to protect her from this emotional strain? Or say do whatever you think is best, and hope he will put her interest first?
Am I jealous of this new girlfriend, maybe... she's not as attractive as I thought she would be, so theres that, but she's confrontational, brash, out there, all things I have never been.
I want us to be adults, but.... I am young, I dont always know what to do, I dont always know what is best. I wanted to retaliate soooo badly, but I have to grow up, for her, so.. because of her I will let him win. I lost to the ultimate weapon. Our child. Truthfully, I never want to defeat that weapon.

I wish him luck with this girl, and myself luck with whoever I find... we just cant be together ever again and I think it's time we just sit her down and have that painful conversation.

 

[user 135067]

A manipulative ex is bad enough. Weaponizing a child is really low.

I think it is he that needs to grow up. You seem to be facing it with mature rationality.

Tell your daughter you love her. Don't mention him. And then tell her again.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't mean this to be mean, but the simple truth is that she is his daughter. Whether you have been her mother up to this point is irrelevant, you have no legal rights. He holds all the cards.
That said, I agree with Jesse. Just simply tell her that you will always love her no matter what. Leave him out of it entirely, just focus on the love you have for her.

 

[Ima Lone]

How old is your daughter? I got to this party later than most it seems.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don't mean this to be mean, but the simple truth is that she is his daughter. Whether you have been her mother up to this point is irrelevant, you have no legal rights. He holds all the cards.
That said, I agree with Jesse. Just simply tell her that you will always love her no matter what. Leave him out of it entirely, just focus on the love you have for her.

I have legal rights to my daughter I didn't adopt her but I had parental rights granted by the courts, shes legally and emotionally my daughter but yeah, maybe thats the solution, i’ll just not mention that walking headache.

How old is your daughter? I got to this party later than most it seems.

My daughter is 5

 

[Ima Lone]

I only asked because I was wondering how much of your situation she’d be able to understand. That’s a tough spot to be in, I’d think. I hope everyone need sees a better situation soon.

It’s good that you care about someone other than yourself. Love can’t be legislated or shouldn’t be but the courts, “in the best interests of and for the children …” I don’t know what you’re going through but I wasn’t allowed to see my kids for quite some time when they were close to 5. Eventually, things improved but for a while, life was tough. Good luck.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I have legal rights to my daughter I didn't adopt her but I had parental rights granted by the courts, shes legally and emotionally my daughter but yeah, maybe thats the solution, i’ll just not mention that walking headache.

Really? ****, things must be really different in the UK than it is here regardlng that. I don't think it's possible for that to happen in the US unless both parents are out of the picture or deemed unfit.
Yeah, don't even mention him. When you have her and when you talk to her, it has nothing really to do with him, just focus on you and her. Saying anything bad about him, even just to say you don't love him, will potentially either work to make her think the same thing or make her resent you for talking bad about him.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

It's pretty common for disputes to be mediated through the children. It's no good though. All you can do is refuse to participate in it; and it will be the hard choice, and you very likely will lose. But, it seems the best way to teach, is by example; and that's usually quite difficult in all walks of life.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Would he be open enough for you to reason with him? It seems kind of irresponsible on his part to want your daughter to meet someone he has only been with for a few weeks. Maybe something like a set amount of time like if he is seeing someone for over 3 months, they can meet? I'd hate to see your little girl grow attached to someone who is only in her life for a couple of weeks and have that cycle continue.

 

[ardour]

Using your own child as leverage over an ex is pretty **** low, have to agree with that. All the more reason to find someone closer in age with no kids.

 

[Claudia1794]

She will eventually see things for what they are in both of you.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Really? ****, things must be really different in the UK than it is here regardlng that. I don't think it's possible for that to happen in the US unless both parents are out of the picture or deemed unfit.
Yeah, don't even mention him. When you have her and when you talk to her, it has nothing really to do with him, just focus on you and her. Saying anything bad about him, even just to say you don't love him, will potentially either work to make her think the same thing or make her resent you for talking bad about him.

Yeah it's a messy story, her birth mother had a very bad turn I was very young at the time of all this happening I thought I understood what I was doing, but no I really did not, but I like you and JesseC's advice I am not going to mention him anymore it's causing too much stress on her playing these dumb little games.

It's pretty common for disputes to be mediated through the children. It's no good though. All you can do is refuse to participate in it; and it will be the hard choice, and you very likely will lose. But, it seems the best way to teach, is by example; and that's usually quite difficult in all walks of life.

I am taking a massive step back and look in the mirror, I guess I started this and he finished it, because I was being petty and playing games first, never did I ever imagine he would bring a child in the middle of all this though. I thought we was just mad at each other, maybe still a little bit in love, immature, but this, is simply wrong, theres nothing cute about it, like I imagined in the beginning.

Would he be open enough for you to reason with him? It seems kind of irresponsible on his part to want your daughter to meet someone he has only been with for a few weeks. Maybe something like a set amount of time like if he is seeing someone for over 3 months, they can meet? I'd hate to see your little girl grow attached to someone who is only in her life for a couple of weeks and have that cycle continue.

He keeps doing this, she meets countless people, she only wants to see him with me, and it's so damaging. He has to pretend he wants these strangers to meet her so he has an excuse to tell me about them. If I was petty enough to do the same, he'd probably backflip in anger. I dont, but I could, and thus I have to think, who would I really hurt in all that, where is my responsibility?

Using your own child as leverage over an ex is pretty **** low, have to agree with that. All the more reason to find someone closer in age with no kids.

Yeah, this is some of the things you have to witness, I remember he would say, he gave her extra candy floss before going to her mothers and would laugh about her being difficult to put to sleep, only she had her little baby school in the morning and probably wouldn't learn anything with no sleep the night before ( my mum pointed this out, I didnt originally think of this, I just thought, ha ha ha like a idiot). If I meet someone, he must be child free, I have come to that conclusion.

She will eventually see things for what they are in both of you.

I hope so, I hope she'll see I tried, and maybe he will do better when I pull back and allow him to win this... "battle" that seems to be about nothing but pride and ego.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I was in such a dark place when I wrote this and now, I am in a better space with co parenting. I have to remember its only one day, but im impressed with my ex there was nothing negative all day which is a big accomplishment for us.

He never talked down to me, bought me whatever I wanted, got me a huge bouquet of flowers like massive I love them, wrote me a long letter thanking me for all I do and honestly I just feel so happy, appreciated. Our little one was happy and wanted to stay with me for a mummy sleepover then invited her dad thats not happening but nice try. This kid will be the death of me