B
Bluey
Guest
You know I am really not feeling very good to day. I feel OK healthwise. better then I have done in a long time actually. I am all better from the hernia OP I had just be for crimbo. I mean I still feel it from time to time but they say that's normal and its not bothering me any no moor.
Just in 7 years I well have lived alone for half my life and well have been single for 2 years moor then half my life. Been single basically all my adult life. Not had a GF since I was 18 and some days like to day it really starts to hurt that am sate here most days alone. Internet friends is OK but I need moor. I have a copol of cousins I go out with from time to time and when I can be bothered to go on a marathon drinking binge of over 12 hours I have another selfish nob head of a friend that I have known all my life that I can go out with. Hes fun to be with up tell a point then the drink kicks in and then he looks for fights with ppl and becomes a right jerk off.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I was never going to end this. I had beat myself up to much and never did have the bottle to end it all. God its days like this I wish I did have it in me to do it. Drink don't solve anything. I don't very often get drink on my own anymore. just maybe at me cousins where I sometimes go and have a BBQ with him and hes mats. I cert remember the last time I drank alone. I don't keep drink in as I would drink it just for nothing moor then for something to do.
I have been biking a lot trying to get myself in better shape. I think am as in good a shape as all ever be which is not that good as I struggle to work and do not walk straight and with a limp and my body is twisted. I ******* hate the way my body is. I mean I quit smoking the cigarettes and I don't drink all the time. prob one time a week. I do my fair share of exercising. I mean I respect myself so why the fresia do I deserve this honeysuckle? Its all messed up. I don't ever see myself getting a GF or even a family of my own. To be honest I probably would not have the pashonts for a screaming kid anyway. cert even spell right
I have no clue what would make me feel better. I wont a body that well not look and feel deformed like it is. But that's something I am not able to have and never well have. Every one I know has someone. Sept me. Even going to family parties I feel like a loser. just the other week I was at a family party and the bar mead there refused to serve me a beer cos I did not have any ID but she served my cousin that is like 22 years old and am 33. I gave her some right honeysuckle over it. I don't normally course a sine but she for some reason relay ticket me of. In the end she backed down and served me amazingly enough. I had made up my mined that I would have had to be frown out rather then back down. Should not have to be predosing ID for a beer at 33. This the other thing that makes me feel like some kinder peter pan frek'0. No girl my age wants me cos I look about 12 (well about 20 - 25 I would say) and no girl at 20 wants me cos they wont a guy there own age, and quite right. In fact its so bad I don't even know any girls that I would like to date. Am not even sure if that's what I wont anymore. i could be out every week club in. But whats the point, I did my fair share there and I never got anything out of it. Just spent time struggling to keep up with the lads I would go out with and be a rack be for I even got into the club. Ever guy I know is like so much taller and bigger then me. And most certenly fitter then me and I don't mean the way they look I mean in they have moor fitness then me so there able to keep going where am just wanting to go home to my bed to recover from the few hours Ive been out. This sucks and am pissed of with it. Why is it I seem to be the only one that has to deal with this crap. I mean if I was in a wheelchair I think it would be easier then I would get help. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I did not learn how to walk again.
You know I feel like going out and picking a fight with the biggest hardest ******* out there and just walking up to him and jump up and get it on bu head butting him strait on he noes. Let it all out in that one guys direction. Be nice to be able to acutely blame someone for the way my body is. I probably only end up getting beaten up tho lol then be worse then I am now. If I had ended up like this from an accident at work I would have probably been given a million pounds in compensation. Not that, that would be enough cos it would not compensation for the way I feel.
Its summer over here now and I look at other guys with there top off and I could cry. I look cos I cert help thinking how unbelievably lucky they are to have such a straight spine. I look at mine and its just messed up that I have it like this fresia fresia fresia IT!!!!!!!!!!
A blog that some off you have seen. course there is the bad grammar in there cos me the fresia up did it. But it dose explain some things in there..
http://myhealth21.blogspot.com/
God am actually crying writing this out.
OK I have stopped now and puled myself together a little bit. I get like this occasionally. I well be OK, I always am in the end. I think I just needed to get this out.
Just in 7 years I well have lived alone for half my life and well have been single for 2 years moor then half my life. Been single basically all my adult life. Not had a GF since I was 18 and some days like to day it really starts to hurt that am sate here most days alone. Internet friends is OK but I need moor. I have a copol of cousins I go out with from time to time and when I can be bothered to go on a marathon drinking binge of over 12 hours I have another selfish nob head of a friend that I have known all my life that I can go out with. Hes fun to be with up tell a point then the drink kicks in and then he looks for fights with ppl and becomes a right jerk off.
I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I was never going to end this. I had beat myself up to much and never did have the bottle to end it all. God its days like this I wish I did have it in me to do it. Drink don't solve anything. I don't very often get drink on my own anymore. just maybe at me cousins where I sometimes go and have a BBQ with him and hes mats. I cert remember the last time I drank alone. I don't keep drink in as I would drink it just for nothing moor then for something to do.
I have been biking a lot trying to get myself in better shape. I think am as in good a shape as all ever be which is not that good as I struggle to work and do not walk straight and with a limp and my body is twisted. I ******* hate the way my body is. I mean I quit smoking the cigarettes and I don't drink all the time. prob one time a week. I do my fair share of exercising. I mean I respect myself so why the fresia do I deserve this honeysuckle? Its all messed up. I don't ever see myself getting a GF or even a family of my own. To be honest I probably would not have the pashonts for a screaming kid anyway. cert even spell right
I have no clue what would make me feel better. I wont a body that well not look and feel deformed like it is. But that's something I am not able to have and never well have. Every one I know has someone. Sept me. Even going to family parties I feel like a loser. just the other week I was at a family party and the bar mead there refused to serve me a beer cos I did not have any ID but she served my cousin that is like 22 years old and am 33. I gave her some right honeysuckle over it. I don't normally course a sine but she for some reason relay ticket me of. In the end she backed down and served me amazingly enough. I had made up my mined that I would have had to be frown out rather then back down. Should not have to be predosing ID for a beer at 33. This the other thing that makes me feel like some kinder peter pan frek'0. No girl my age wants me cos I look about 12 (well about 20 - 25 I would say) and no girl at 20 wants me cos they wont a guy there own age, and quite right. In fact its so bad I don't even know any girls that I would like to date. Am not even sure if that's what I wont anymore. i could be out every week club in. But whats the point, I did my fair share there and I never got anything out of it. Just spent time struggling to keep up with the lads I would go out with and be a rack be for I even got into the club. Ever guy I know is like so much taller and bigger then me. And most certenly fitter then me and I don't mean the way they look I mean in they have moor fitness then me so there able to keep going where am just wanting to go home to my bed to recover from the few hours Ive been out. This sucks and am pissed of with it. Why is it I seem to be the only one that has to deal with this crap. I mean if I was in a wheelchair I think it would be easier then I would get help. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I did not learn how to walk again.
You know I feel like going out and picking a fight with the biggest hardest ******* out there and just walking up to him and jump up and get it on bu head butting him strait on he noes. Let it all out in that one guys direction. Be nice to be able to acutely blame someone for the way my body is. I probably only end up getting beaten up tho lol then be worse then I am now. If I had ended up like this from an accident at work I would have probably been given a million pounds in compensation. Not that, that would be enough cos it would not compensation for the way I feel.
Its summer over here now and I look at other guys with there top off and I could cry. I look cos I cert help thinking how unbelievably lucky they are to have such a straight spine. I look at mine and its just messed up that I have it like this fresia fresia fresia IT!!!!!!!!!!
A blog that some off you have seen. course there is the bad grammar in there cos me the fresia up did it. But it dose explain some things in there..
http://myhealth21.blogspot.com/
God am actually crying writing this out.
OK I have stopped now and puled myself together a little bit. I get like this occasionally. I well be OK, I always am in the end. I think I just needed to get this out.