thinking i'm worthless

[missymessy]

I never used to have low self-esteem. I was a performing arts student for Gods sake!
...While we would be waiting to go on stage, other members of the class would have shaking knees and would be turning to me for advice and counsel on why I didn't seem to suffer from nerves.

"what exactly are you frightened of? and why does it even matter?"

That was always my response. If I'm honest, I felt fairly invincible. I thought I was amazing.
And I guess, in thinking that...I geniunley was. If you get what I mean.
I look back at pictures from that era and I'm always smiling. Outlandishly dressed because I had the confidence to be. My skin was glowing and radiant.
I look back at photos from that era and I long for that girl to return... She was pretty, she was vivacious, lively, confident and HAPPY. Most of all she was bloody happy.

But now... about 5 years down the road... urgh. Everything has dribbled away. Progressive illness and the isolation that brings has taken my social life, my education opportunities, my job prospects....and worst of all...my self belief.

I don't feel invincible anymore. I feel worthless. What have I achieved? What will I ever achieve? What am I worth? What do I have to offer anyone? Why should I bother talking to anyone when I have so little of import to say? Why would anyone WANT to be my friend?

and so on and so on...

Friends have all gone on to secure amazing careers/lives, which makes me feel so much worse, because it only serves to accentuate the fact that I've achieved NOTHING.

Now my self-esteem is so low that I don't actually have the confidence to TRY to achieve anything. I'm stuck in the house all day and desperatley want to get a job for some independence and just to interact with others....but I'm too ashamed of the fact I've just decayed over 5 years to face up to applying for any positions.
So I can't move forward because thinking about the position I'm currently in holds me back :/ Viscious circle.

And I doubt any of that made sense, haha... but it felt good to rant.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Rant away.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

 

[Jilted John]

Rant away.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

Sci Fi,how come I read someone's post,and decide to ask a question,and you've already asked it!
:club:

 

[Limlim]

5 years is barely a blip. Better to try now with 5 years behind you than to keep putting it off for when it becomes 10, 15 and 20.

 

[missymessy]

Rant away.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

Don't mind at all - I'm a fairly open book, although, obviously I have been quite ambigious when discussing illness haha.

I have multiple sclerosis
x

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5 years is barely a blip. Better to try now with 5 years behind you than to keep putting it off for when it becomes 10, 15 and 20.

My thinking exactly. Now is the time to get over it and brush myself off and try to move on.
x

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Rant away.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness do you have?

Sci Fi,how come I read someone's post,and decide to ask a question,and you've already asked it!
:club:

You clearly have a preemtive mind reader on your hands. I'd be afraid...
x

 

[SophiaGrace]

if you sit and do nothing you will attain nothing.

Better to try and know you have tried, at least giving yourself a chance of some sort of outcome, than sit around, which guarantees no outcome except more of the same.

 

[missymessy]

if you sit and do nothing you will attain nothing.

Better to try and know you have tried, at least giving yourself a chance of some sort of outcome, than sit around, which guarantees no outcome except more of the same.

Very very true. HOWEVER...it's applying that philosophy to real life and putting it into practice that's the killer, isn't it?
How do you face up to a job application where you have to self-promote, when you can't even convince yourself you're good for anything let alone a potential employer for example...
How do you change a mind frame that's backed up in physicality?

I'm just being overly negative 'cause I'm tired Your post is wise words, and maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see myself in a better light and take a step towards changing something.
x

 

[IgnoredOne]

You have my sympathies. You've been sick for a long time, and its been stressful for you both physically and mentally. You know that you have all that potential, all that ability inside of you, and you can draw from the past to know that you still have it. You'll be fine, your friends just happened to have a leg up because they've had more time and health.

And in the end, you're not comparing with them or competing with them, are you? You're only competing with yourself. And since you know that you are better today than you were, you're getting better and more capable again. Every day is a step upward.

 

[Swamp Yankee]

It is really tough to develop a sense of worth when it is such a fight to find someone, ANYONE who will *choose* to keep your company.

Sadly it is a foible of the human condition that we tend to avoid the infirm.

Maybe try to hang out with other sufferers?

I hope that helps -SY.