I'm at the end of my rope. My self-esteem and confidence issues are utterly destroying my life and I don't know what to do.
Firstly, let me give some background info about myself and what I believe has had the biggest impact on my life so far that has led up to this point. At 20 I was stricken with a softball sized tumor in my chest. Right next to my heart, growing into my lung, inoperable. Long story short: I've been through years of chemo to shrink it and will have to endure weekly chemo for the rest of my life as I've had radiation in the attempt to stop its growth which has not worked. I've no other options. This treatment makes me quite miserable Mon-Wed and generally very fatigued for the rest of the week. The reason I mention this is that it's had a significant impact on every other area that has caused these problems which I'm about to elaborate on.
Anyhow, when this diagnosis hit it completely ripped me out of a "normal" life. One day I was in school and working, then after spending every day for weeks on end at the doctors office during the diagnosis, a month later I was in bed constantly miserable enduring chemo with that world long gone. This lasted throughout a significant portion of my twenties and it took priority over everything. I didn't work or go to school had no friends (nor family aside from my parents) that stood by me, and basically did nothing but fight to survive. This had a hugely detrimental impact on any feeling of self-worth. Social skills deteriorated. I'm still undergoing chemo and I've no career, no work experience for over a decade and a half (and what I do have is mostly fast food, retail, etc), and no skills. NOTHING to feel worthwhile about, and nothing that society seems to value. Being healthy is the status quo to the healthy, and many of these people don't seem to give due credit to someone that has to work extremely hard for something they've been given for free.
As it is, I currently reside with my parents and live on $1K of SSI a month (+ EBT stamps) which makes me feel like a low-life bum leech on society. I have such sensitivity and self-esteem problems that I self-medicate with shots of vodka if I have to go out into the world and interact, even if it's just to go to the store to buy groceries. But it makes me not care and this wonder drug accomplishes more in five minutes what years of therapy have failed to. Talking to people makes me sick to my stomach without it, especially with women. I hate socializing and attempt to keep it as brief as possible. Going out into the world is a dreadful ordeal. I am also bald and very self conscious of it which makes it all the worse. Some guys can pull the look off; I am not one of them and get looks of mockery and contempt all of the time.
Speaking of women, my relations with them are non-existent. I'm not entirely inexperienced with the opposite sex physically, but at 36 I am still a virgin. The cumulative effects of chronic chemo and meds has also had an effect on my ability to sexually function at times. Go ahead, point and snicker, nothing can make me feel any worse about myself than I already do. I have a female friend who's flat out indicated to me all I have to do is make a pass, but this is not what I want. From past experiences, I just can't get that close to somebody unless I truly care for them and will only punch my card with someone when I do. I'm continually told I'm an extremely good looking guy and could get any woman on the planet if I desired.....well, what they don't realize is that would entail me opening my mouth and speaking. When I do, all disappear like I'm the plague and this is excruciating and very disheartening to witness. You'd be amazed. I've had absolutely stunning woman that many guys would KILL for approach me who are obviously interested, only to quickly leave when I attempt to engage them. Not even politely either, but simply get up without a word and rudely leave. I can't begin to express the frustration of having the tools to open doors to my desires, only to have them slammed shut in my face by my own ineptitude. Every experience only leads to more self-loathing, which causes lower self-esteem and less confidence, which leads to more failed attempts. It's a vicious self-fulfilling cycle. I'm so sick of this that I don't even try anymore, because I don't need to have something happen to know what's going to happen.
Regardless, I am very much desperate for companionship....for emotional and physical intimacy of which I've never known as I've never had a serious relationship, nor have been in love. I also long for friends. I have some on the mainland but am on Maui which is a very small world, both in space and mentality. Being chronically sick makes all relationships hard as no one enjoys being around someone who is always miserable and this condition drains me constantly both emotionally and physically. I just don't have the energy most of the time and people are very hard to understand this. Seeing couples kills me and my heart sinks. I sob often due to this. Christ, I see my nephew who is less than half my age with girls and I'm envious beyond measure. I long to share my feelings with anyone but my social skills are a solid brick wall to this which I am pounding, screaming, crying, and pleading against. It doesn't budge. If I can't find a way to fix this problem, I will end my life (that is, if my disease does not do it first....I doubt I'll see 50 if the recent past is any indication) as I can barely tolerate living life like this anymore. I've tried everything I can to no avail. I have the strength to stand up to this horrible disease and live yet it is pie in comparison to this issue for me. This is my real battle.
I never knew how vital these aspects of character are and I'd give anything to be able to attain them. But after all this time I've resigned myself to the realization that these traits are at the fundamental core of who I am and I can't change them any more than I can change my gender through sheer will. I am a small child in a man's body, am severely emotionally stunted, and I lay a large part of this at the feet of this diagnosis that took me out of life at a time when I was coming out of my shell and developing areas that lead to a healthy self-image.
I hate myself with a burning passion.
Firstly, let me give some background info about myself and what I believe has had the biggest impact on my life so far that has led up to this point. At 20 I was stricken with a softball sized tumor in my chest. Right next to my heart, growing into my lung, inoperable. Long story short: I've been through years of chemo to shrink it and will have to endure weekly chemo for the rest of my life as I've had radiation in the attempt to stop its growth which has not worked. I've no other options. This treatment makes me quite miserable Mon-Wed and generally very fatigued for the rest of the week. The reason I mention this is that it's had a significant impact on every other area that has caused these problems which I'm about to elaborate on.
Anyhow, when this diagnosis hit it completely ripped me out of a "normal" life. One day I was in school and working, then after spending every day for weeks on end at the doctors office during the diagnosis, a month later I was in bed constantly miserable enduring chemo with that world long gone. This lasted throughout a significant portion of my twenties and it took priority over everything. I didn't work or go to school had no friends (nor family aside from my parents) that stood by me, and basically did nothing but fight to survive. This had a hugely detrimental impact on any feeling of self-worth. Social skills deteriorated. I'm still undergoing chemo and I've no career, no work experience for over a decade and a half (and what I do have is mostly fast food, retail, etc), and no skills. NOTHING to feel worthwhile about, and nothing that society seems to value. Being healthy is the status quo to the healthy, and many of these people don't seem to give due credit to someone that has to work extremely hard for something they've been given for free.
As it is, I currently reside with my parents and live on $1K of SSI a month (+ EBT stamps) which makes me feel like a low-life bum leech on society. I have such sensitivity and self-esteem problems that I self-medicate with shots of vodka if I have to go out into the world and interact, even if it's just to go to the store to buy groceries. But it makes me not care and this wonder drug accomplishes more in five minutes what years of therapy have failed to. Talking to people makes me sick to my stomach without it, especially with women. I hate socializing and attempt to keep it as brief as possible. Going out into the world is a dreadful ordeal. I am also bald and very self conscious of it which makes it all the worse. Some guys can pull the look off; I am not one of them and get looks of mockery and contempt all of the time.
Speaking of women, my relations with them are non-existent. I'm not entirely inexperienced with the opposite sex physically, but at 36 I am still a virgin. The cumulative effects of chronic chemo and meds has also had an effect on my ability to sexually function at times. Go ahead, point and snicker, nothing can make me feel any worse about myself than I already do. I have a female friend who's flat out indicated to me all I have to do is make a pass, but this is not what I want. From past experiences, I just can't get that close to somebody unless I truly care for them and will only punch my card with someone when I do. I'm continually told I'm an extremely good looking guy and could get any woman on the planet if I desired.....well, what they don't realize is that would entail me opening my mouth and speaking. When I do, all disappear like I'm the plague and this is excruciating and very disheartening to witness. You'd be amazed. I've had absolutely stunning woman that many guys would KILL for approach me who are obviously interested, only to quickly leave when I attempt to engage them. Not even politely either, but simply get up without a word and rudely leave. I can't begin to express the frustration of having the tools to open doors to my desires, only to have them slammed shut in my face by my own ineptitude. Every experience only leads to more self-loathing, which causes lower self-esteem and less confidence, which leads to more failed attempts. It's a vicious self-fulfilling cycle. I'm so sick of this that I don't even try anymore, because I don't need to have something happen to know what's going to happen.
Regardless, I am very much desperate for companionship....for emotional and physical intimacy of which I've never known as I've never had a serious relationship, nor have been in love. I also long for friends. I have some on the mainland but am on Maui which is a very small world, both in space and mentality. Being chronically sick makes all relationships hard as no one enjoys being around someone who is always miserable and this condition drains me constantly both emotionally and physically. I just don't have the energy most of the time and people are very hard to understand this. Seeing couples kills me and my heart sinks. I sob often due to this. Christ, I see my nephew who is less than half my age with girls and I'm envious beyond measure. I long to share my feelings with anyone but my social skills are a solid brick wall to this which I am pounding, screaming, crying, and pleading against. It doesn't budge. If I can't find a way to fix this problem, I will end my life (that is, if my disease does not do it first....I doubt I'll see 50 if the recent past is any indication) as I can barely tolerate living life like this anymore. I've tried everything I can to no avail. I have the strength to stand up to this horrible disease and live yet it is pie in comparison to this issue for me. This is my real battle.
I never knew how vital these aspects of character are and I'd give anything to be able to attain them. But after all this time I've resigned myself to the realization that these traits are at the fundamental core of who I am and I can't change them any more than I can change my gender through sheer will. I am a small child in a man's body, am severely emotionally stunted, and I lay a large part of this at the feet of this diagnosis that took me out of life at a time when I was coming out of my shell and developing areas that lead to a healthy self-image.
I hate myself with a burning passion.