I know there are people dealing with more pain, my heart truly goes out to anyone that at some stage 'googled' the words 'lonely life'. I know everyone’s experiences are painful in unique ways.
I am 25. Have had mental problems my WHOLE life, I can never remember a period of time when I was happy and “sane”. The first time I saw a psych I was 5/6, diagnosed as adhd and prescribed ritalin. when about 10 switched to dex. Started smoking pot when I was 12, it was instantly a daily thing ( my first escape from the stress of reality). At 14 was put on Anti-depressants, cycling through all of them, then settled on Luvox (Faverin). Doses Increased – Then at 15 was put on Zyprexa/Olanzapine (an Anti-Psychotic), still smoking pot daily.
Through these years at High-school I had a lot of paranoid/violent thoughts non-stop in my head. I was (I will admit) a wanna-be gangsta/ wigga, I listened to a lot of rap identifying with the anger and violence and the feeling of being born into a struggle. Also in my whole schooling years I had a large circle of friends, went to the 'cool' parties, drank and smoked pot with groups and was hated/feared and respected simultaneously. I hung around gangs and was chased by females. (there is a point to this, I sound arrogant right now but read on).
Despite opportunities I avoided gf's and sex at all costs. I had girls at parties bluntly offer sexual favours, and I would try to play it cool but inside I was panicked and thinking of the best way to run away, which I always did. Partly paranoia, though also because I lost my virginity when I was 7 (to an older girl – she was abused by her father) and that had effected me to some degree I still could not understand.
By 15 I was also drinking daily. I had escalating paranoid thoughts and running commentary in my head. My dad home-brewed beer and my mum always had about 4 litres of wine in the fridge. I never went to bed sober.
I was expelled from school on the last day of year ten and the next year started an Engineering/ Fitting and turning apprenticeship. At work I could read peoples minds, the thoughts and voices got worse. In my 3rd year I had to leave because I could not concentrate at all with the voices in my head and constant paranoia.
Around that time I met what I would consider my first actual gf. She was a gothic and self harmer and we had a very intense relationship. When we broke up I started cutting. One time I carved her 3 initials in my arm quite deep. Another time I woke up knowing I was going to do some serious damage that day. I tried talking myself out of it but it was inevitable, I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and drank it on ice while doing surgery on my ankle so deep I saw bone – this time it was my initials “JK”. I had to wear a bandage for about 2 maybe 3 weeks.
Me and this girl were still seeing each other about once a month. For her it was 'booty calls' (even though she had a new bf), but for me it was so much more I was hopelessly in love with her.. She was shocked, even somewhat impressed when she saw my ankle, I said the JK stood for 'Just Kidding'.
Now I was 18 an drinking at least 12 beers a day. Still smoking pot. I got a job in retail and was considered fun to be around, as I was so eccentric I would sing and dance and was always cracking jokes while working. But all day I would have running commentary about everyone and everything. I would work 10 hour shifts at a checkout and all the thoughts in my head would turn into poetry which I would write down as soon as I got home cause I had to get it out of my head. These
writings were all suicidal/paranoid delusions and had a lot to do with the government.
I had another gf at this time and again that relationship was very intense, her father was a very important person and they were very well off. Paranoia got the worst of me in the end, and I completely cut this girl off. I was almost 21 at this stage.
I went from drinking my 16 or so beers to drinking 3 bottles of red wine. Then when I received a compensation payout from a back injury I sustained at work, I was at the liqour store at 9 am every morning bought a litre bottle of Jack Daniels (bigger then the normal bottles) and 12 beers. The math was something around 45 standard drinks a day – completely ridiculous.
Since I left school (16) I began isolating myself from my friends one by one. By 18 I pretty much had no friends left and didn't care because all I needed was solitude, internet, books, movies and alcohol. The only two girls I was with around this time knew about my social isolation/anxiety and didn't mind but I even messed that up by becoming too paranoid to hold dates/ go out in public with them. The relationships turned into the girl just coming over and watching me obliterate myself with alcohol and watching me cry about my pitiful life. And then I cut them off and have been alone ever since.
One last thing – I never initiated any relationship. I have always been too shy with no self esteem, it has been pure luck that I have even had these experiences. And I am now a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic.
Thank-You to the 2 people who even read half of this
