SmallTownLonely
Member
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2008
- Messages
- 10
- Reaction score
- 0
Let's start with my philosophy of the universe. Time is a necessary illusion. Everything that will happen is already determined. We just have to reach the moment in time for the future to become the present and just as quickly become the past. With this philosophy in mind I find myself thinking what's the point? Now don't panic, I can't do anything to disappoint anyone else. I go to sleep most days hoping and praying not to wake up. Each morning having the thoughts of disapointment that I have to face another day.
I think most of this depression comes from not finding anything that makes me happy. I used to be happy any time I was able to help someone else, but now I don't get that same euphoric feeling. There is only emptiness. Everything in life seems like work. I'm only here to help others and do what I need to do to make them happy. I've gotten to the point that I want something in return. I want someone to care about me. Not just because they have to but because they truly want to. I guess I want to FEEL loved. My family loves me very much, but it just isn't the same as a deep commitment to someone else.
I've never been very good when dealing with people. I remain reserved and shy mostly because I feel I have nothing valuable to share about my life. It is this reserved shyness that has led me to not have a best friend (nor a girlfriend) for most of my life. This too would explain why I'm still a virgin and feel awkward whenever anyone mentions sex. I just don't fit in socially. What does a middle-aged, slightly overweight, balding virgin really have to offer?
Many people would call me their friend, but I only see them as acquaintances. People who you know but don't do anything besides work. It seems people only talk to me when they need something, the whole time not seeing that I need something too. Sure, everyone looks at me as a good person, but never do they venture to seek out the person that is hidden from the world. I long for the late night conversations and right now I really need to just be held. I am so tired of being alone. I have no reason to live and I don't want to do this any longer. I want to quit this never-ending job called life.
I think most of this depression comes from not finding anything that makes me happy. I used to be happy any time I was able to help someone else, but now I don't get that same euphoric feeling. There is only emptiness. Everything in life seems like work. I'm only here to help others and do what I need to do to make them happy. I've gotten to the point that I want something in return. I want someone to care about me. Not just because they have to but because they truly want to. I guess I want to FEEL loved. My family loves me very much, but it just isn't the same as a deep commitment to someone else.
I've never been very good when dealing with people. I remain reserved and shy mostly because I feel I have nothing valuable to share about my life. It is this reserved shyness that has led me to not have a best friend (nor a girlfriend) for most of my life. This too would explain why I'm still a virgin and feel awkward whenever anyone mentions sex. I just don't fit in socially. What does a middle-aged, slightly overweight, balding virgin really have to offer?
Many people would call me their friend, but I only see them as acquaintances. People who you know but don't do anything besides work. It seems people only talk to me when they need something, the whole time not seeing that I need something too. Sure, everyone looks at me as a good person, but never do they venture to seek out the person that is hidden from the world. I long for the late night conversations and right now I really need to just be held. I am so tired of being alone. I have no reason to live and I don't want to do this any longer. I want to quit this never-ending job called life.