Sorry. You probably heard this story a thousand times already but I really need to vent.
I'm terribly lonely and I don't know what to do anymore.
I really need to believe that I can be loved but it seems impossible.
I'm too ugly, too stupid, too anxious, too poor, too boring and I'm just afraid of people.
For a moment I believed it could change if I meet people and open up. I even felt like I could handle rejection.
I wanted to start slowly. Get closer to my acquaintances and build a small social circle. Meet new people.
I was 32 and for the first time I went to a party, a bar, a club, a concert... I actually had a lot of fun every time but it didn't work out.
Couldn't gather the courage to speak up even to the people I knew. Alcohol didn't help. I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to act while it looked so easy for others. They were just so relaxed.
Even worse. It didn't matter how much fun I had. The next day I would always over-analyze everything - every word, every look from someone, my every **** movement. It would make me regret leaving the house. I felt like I tried too hard. Like it's laughable that someone like me could try to fit in.
I'm out of options. It seems I hoped that my life would magically change after I started going out. It was so draining but it didn't matter in the end. I'm so tired of it. I just want to meet someone who would validate me. Tell me I'm alright. Someone who would prove to me that I can believe them.
But then again why would anyone go through the trouble? There really is no point. I have nothing to offer.
I'm terribly lonely and I don't know what to do anymore.
I really need to believe that I can be loved but it seems impossible.
I'm too ugly, too stupid, too anxious, too poor, too boring and I'm just afraid of people.
For a moment I believed it could change if I meet people and open up. I even felt like I could handle rejection.
I wanted to start slowly. Get closer to my acquaintances and build a small social circle. Meet new people.
I was 32 and for the first time I went to a party, a bar, a club, a concert... I actually had a lot of fun every time but it didn't work out.
Couldn't gather the courage to speak up even to the people I knew. Alcohol didn't help. I had absolutely no idea what to say and how to act while it looked so easy for others. They were just so relaxed.
Even worse. It didn't matter how much fun I had. The next day I would always over-analyze everything - every word, every look from someone, my every **** movement. It would make me regret leaving the house. I felt like I tried too hard. Like it's laughable that someone like me could try to fit in.
I'm out of options. It seems I hoped that my life would magically change after I started going out. It was so draining but it didn't matter in the end. I'm so tired of it. I just want to meet someone who would validate me. Tell me I'm alright. Someone who would prove to me that I can believe them.
But then again why would anyone go through the trouble? There really is no point. I have nothing to offer.