To Seek Friends or Not to Seek Friends? Hm

[sylvestris lybica]

Well I'm new, so if you didn't see my intro thread or don't know who the heck I am...hi.

In any case, this is probably going to be a bit long so bear with me.

A little about my situation...I've always been an introvert. This isn't the same as being shy, though. In grade school I enjoyed making people laugh and striking up small talk, but I always avoided speaking about myself with others and I tended to cling to my family and close family friends. I rarely branched out of a small circle of people I'd known since practically birth.

My parents are immigrants (I'm American) and they also belonged to a religion quite a few people consider a cult...long story short, I was sort of sheltered and enculturated to be one way at home, a different way in the religious setting, a different way at school, etc. I got used to putting up a front to get along with people without really connecting to others or trying to make friends. In fact I was discouraged from making friends with "worldly" people. I wasn't supposed to have sleepovers with them, engage in extracurricular activities, see them outside of school, etc. The few friends I made were within the religion.

As I got older, long story short, I left that religion. That decision has consequences. All of the few friends I made are now no longer permitted to talk to me. I've chosen to leave the name of the religion out so as to not offend those who may belong to this religion or who want to start an irrelevant debate in this thread. If you know what I'm talking about and want to go in depth, PM me, but I don't really want it to derail this thread.

Anyway, in combination with the death of a loved one and the dropping off of friends, I've gradually declined over the past few years. Since I'm becoming an adult, I also feel like I get less family support than I did as a teenager, which makes me feel like I have absolutely no one to go to right now. I've been floundering around, not really knowing where to go from here in terms of forming relationships.

A part of me says "hey you're already an introvert, what's the harm in just being alone?" It's tempting. I have a hard time connecting with other people and generally prefer activities that are easy to do alone--reading, writing, drawing, listening to music. It seems as if the mere presence of someone I'm not familiar with throws me off completely, and I lose all ability to be relaxed and natural. My face gets stony, my voice goes flat, I fidget, I lose track of the conversation...I just can't keep a focus, really.

But the other part of me hates this feeling like I have no support. I've had one person tell me that I seem as if I "don't need anyone" and that couldn't be further from the truth. I experience bouts of something...I have not been diagnosed with any depression, but almost daily I'm struggling not to talk myself down into a crying mess. I have no self-esteem at all, and I have been thinking about death and suicide every day almost for the past five years, whether I'm in a good mood or not. I don't think allowing myself to continue in isolation would be a healthy way to deal with the self-esteem issues etc. However, I'm pretty sure I could go on living like this for years and years...I just would rather not my life was a complete waste.

Anyway, if you had the patience to read that, thanks for caring at all. If not, I don't blame you...I'm actually leaving out a honeysuckle load of detail to keep it this short, so sorry D:

 

[Tiina63]

Your post is very interesting and I can relate to a number of things in it. I can understand why part of you is thinking about isolating yourself, because it IS hard as an introvert to put yourself out there with people, when relaxing with someone new and initiating and maintaining a conversation with them is as hard as running a 100 mile marathon would be. It can seem so forced and unnatural because to a naturally reserved person it doesn't come naturally. However, as you point out, if you isolate yourself you are then left with no support and in a place of deep despair. Could you maybe join groups related to some of your interests? Reading and writing don't have to be solitary hobbies. A reading group or a writing group might be a place to start. Often these attract other introverts, so they would understand if you stayed in the background and didn't say anything.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Being an introvert can be confusing sometimes. There are times when I’m home alone content in doing whatever it is that I do, thinking that I’m ok with being alone but then a second later get this nagging thought of doubt in my head as if my conscious is asking me if I’m sure. “Do you really want this Lost Drifter or has it been forced out of habit?” I never know the answer.

In addition you also have the added pressure of becoming an adult. Not that you weren’t one before but from what you wrote about cutting ties with your religious past it must feel like having to start life all over again with the foundations you grew up with having to get replaced by something else. That can be difficult at any point of our lives.

Like Tiina63 suggested, try joining some groups or small social circles related to some of your hobbies, that way you’re not forcing yourself into a massive social situation and can take things at your own pace to see if you need them or not. It sounds like you don’t need a great big circle of friends but a few close ones could help?

 

[sylvestris lybica]

Thank you for the advice...I think the joining a group situation would definitely be my best bet. The only thing holding me back is a lack of time and fear of disappointment but i'm going to force myself to. New Year's resolution.

 

[Legato]

The fear of disappointment holds most of us back.

But the feeling is much more stronger & beautiful when you actually go through with it.

Nobody should have to go through this life alone, despite how strong they are.

 

[dustii80]

I can relate to this. The post isn't a bit too long either and it was interesting. I need to reach out to more people too. I wasn't raised in any religion so I don't even have an excuse. I was really outgoing in HS but my BF is very jealous and seems to get upset even when I spend time with other girls. So I kind of avoid getting to know people too good in person but it does make me feel lonely.

 

[blackdot]

Being isolated and having no friends can make you feel feel like crying a lot. I know, I have the same problem and people who are normal think it's hilarious that I can cry about simple things. But it's not depression, it's loneliness which unfortunately is not something you can just "cure" since it requires being around other people. People who don't want to be around you. Ahhhh.. the joys of life.

Since I'm stuck in the same boat (well actually a different boat since we all seem to be in boats by ourselves), I don't have any solutions.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

The fear of disappointment holds most of us back.

But the feeling is much more stronger & beautiful when you actually go through with it.

Nobody should have to go through this life alone, despite how strong they are.

that's an awesome way to put it

 

[Masson]

It is said that unlike extroverts you can count on your fingers the number an introvert has , that means that we have few friends but we have strong ties with them unlike extroverts who most of them just have friends until they don't have a use for them anymore.
So don't stress out about seeking friends it will happen by itself after all we don't choose our friends , they choose us.

 

[Unwanted94]

Jehovah's Witness. Most certainly a cult. When I first heard that it was, I was a bit doubtful, but then I researched 'cult mind control' and confirmed it myself. I'm glad I got out of there as well. It's a shame, and I was a bit alarmed (yet relieved) to see all the unbearable, irrefutable evidence,but.... it's reality. Anyway.......

You sound like a very smart and deep-minded person. I think it's healthy for us to question our emotions and thoughts. Questioning things is what expands our knowledge and gets us to really think. Don't be conclusive, because you'd probably be very surprised on how you may REALLY feel about things when you take the time to actually examine your thoughts,emotions,and experiences.

I'm somewhat introverted too, but I'm always wondering if it's by choice or if it's not by choice. People say I have a shy side. It could be perplexity,social anxiety, insecurity, depression, or all of the 4, but I really don't know,and I probably never will, but I enjoy the mystery. I find it intriguing trying to put the puzzle together, yet knowing that I probably will never put it together. It's kind of exciting in a morbid kind of way. When you think about it...It's like science. It is science,actually.

If you're deciding to seek friends, I would certainly give it a try, but be aware that it could hurt you...Sometimes if you don't find that right one, it just may cause you to become even more isolated,which is why I wish I could love being a loner, because you'll enjoy your solitude, but enjoying solitude can be very difficult, especially if you don't have a social life. Isolation and solitude are two different things, so be sure not to integrate them. If your 'seeking friendship journey' seems to fail, keep trying, but if you do happen to give up,then learn to enjoy solitude and embrace your freedom, especially on your emotions. You never know...
Most importantly, I would really sit and think deeply...and often, of what you really "want" deep down inside. Ask yourself
profound questions such as "Do I really want to be alone, or do I want friends?" "Maybe I don't want friends? Maybe I just want something more...like love." Just keep asking questions,and use your solitude to your advantage. Get to learn more about yourself before you start trying to build relationships with others. This will get you to learn about your weaknesses and your strengths. You'll learn what not to do and say around others,and I strongly believe that this will help you.

Anyway, I really hope that this helps. If you want to discuss more on this, I would love to. Just send me a message and I can give you my e-mail address.

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Being isolated and having no friends can make you feel feel like crying a lot. I know, I have the same problem and people who are normal think it's hilarious that I can cry about simple things. But it's not depression, it's loneliness which unfortunately is not something you can just "cure" since it requires being around other people. People who don't want to be around you. Ahhhh.. the joys of life.

Since I'm stuck in the same boat (well actually a different boat since we all seem to be in boats by ourselves), I don't have any solutions.

There isn't a 'cure' for loneliness and depression, but there are solutions. You just have to do a little research and some critical thinking. You said that the 'cure' for loneliness is to be around others, which is completely untrue. In my case,I feel more lonely around others than I do by myself sometimes. It all varies. I think our emotions really get the best of us sometimes. We probably become so delusional on this lonely road. This journey of loneliness and isolation...
Also, loneliness can evolve into depression,and depression sucks. It's like a cancer, except it makes less sense,and it can be inconsistent...