U
Unknown
Guest
I'm not too sure what brought me to post this here, but I figure it'll be good for me.
Through most of my life, I haven't had too many friends. Sure, there were people here and there that I hung around, but I never felt like a part of a group. I was always just so socially inept. I had no real idea of how to really act around people. It wasn't untill the 7th or 8th grade that I finally started to find where I was most comfortable. With a small group of friends, I started to realize that I was with the group unaccepted by the whole, the outcasted types. But I was fine with it.
In high school, I thought that I would be able to start fresh and new. With only one person from grade school that I knew going into the same high school as myself, I wanted to become a different person. For the first year or two, I was working to accomplish that, but it just never felt right. It may have seemed that everything was going fine, but something inside of me was telling me that something was missing. By the time I was going into the final couple of years in high school, I fell back into being in the small group unaccepted by the main. It wasn't bad, I was kind of happy in that setting, but there was still something missing. What was creating an emptiness in me was the longing for love. I may have had friends, but I just needed someone to share everything with. Someone who I could be there for. When my closest friends, who were somewhat like me, started to get companions, I was happy for them. But deep inside, something ugly inside me reared its head and tried to fill me with jealousy. I kind of started to fall away from some of the people I considered my best friends. Eventually, I was able to overcome the jealousy trying to eat its way through me, and I was able to keep my composure and my friends. I was still lonely, though.
As high school came to a close, I was getting ready for college. With that came a lot of graduation parties. With who I considered my best friend, I made rounds to nearly everyone's graduation party. Most of the people were as suprised as I was when I showed up. It was my last time seeing a lot of people who I just spent four years of my life with, and I didn't feel like seeing them. I didn't really miss most of them. After the parties were done, I repressed the past and got ready for the future.
Starting college, I again tried to become someone that I wasn't. This kept up for the first semester, but I was able to realize that I was being stupid. I realized that I should just be myself, and if people don't like who I really am, then I probably wouldn't want anything to do with them. I was lucky to be on a floor with a bunch of great guys who became some great friends. But I was still feeling alone.
Recently, a girl initiated a conversation with me. Or rather, tried. What that happened, I don't know what I did. I guess I paniced on the inside. I said something and just walked away. It was the first time that something like that had happened in my life, and I completely messed it up. Ever since 8th grade, when I tried to tell a girl how I felt, I was rejected. Not being able to tell her in person, I wrote a heartfelt letter expressing my feelings. What I got in reply was a couple of sentences saying that we should just be friends. Since that time, my self esteem has been in the toilet. I haven't been able to talk to girls since, but I long for a relationship so badly.
Thanks for anyone who reads this. I just wanted to tell this to someone. I haven't been able to tell this to even my closest of friends. I guess I have always been afraid of scaring them away. But again, thanks to anyone who reads this.
Through most of my life, I haven't had too many friends. Sure, there were people here and there that I hung around, but I never felt like a part of a group. I was always just so socially inept. I had no real idea of how to really act around people. It wasn't untill the 7th or 8th grade that I finally started to find where I was most comfortable. With a small group of friends, I started to realize that I was with the group unaccepted by the whole, the outcasted types. But I was fine with it.
In high school, I thought that I would be able to start fresh and new. With only one person from grade school that I knew going into the same high school as myself, I wanted to become a different person. For the first year or two, I was working to accomplish that, but it just never felt right. It may have seemed that everything was going fine, but something inside of me was telling me that something was missing. By the time I was going into the final couple of years in high school, I fell back into being in the small group unaccepted by the main. It wasn't bad, I was kind of happy in that setting, but there was still something missing. What was creating an emptiness in me was the longing for love. I may have had friends, but I just needed someone to share everything with. Someone who I could be there for. When my closest friends, who were somewhat like me, started to get companions, I was happy for them. But deep inside, something ugly inside me reared its head and tried to fill me with jealousy. I kind of started to fall away from some of the people I considered my best friends. Eventually, I was able to overcome the jealousy trying to eat its way through me, and I was able to keep my composure and my friends. I was still lonely, though.
As high school came to a close, I was getting ready for college. With that came a lot of graduation parties. With who I considered my best friend, I made rounds to nearly everyone's graduation party. Most of the people were as suprised as I was when I showed up. It was my last time seeing a lot of people who I just spent four years of my life with, and I didn't feel like seeing them. I didn't really miss most of them. After the parties were done, I repressed the past and got ready for the future.
Starting college, I again tried to become someone that I wasn't. This kept up for the first semester, but I was able to realize that I was being stupid. I realized that I should just be myself, and if people don't like who I really am, then I probably wouldn't want anything to do with them. I was lucky to be on a floor with a bunch of great guys who became some great friends. But I was still feeling alone.
Recently, a girl initiated a conversation with me. Or rather, tried. What that happened, I don't know what I did. I guess I paniced on the inside. I said something and just walked away. It was the first time that something like that had happened in my life, and I completely messed it up. Ever since 8th grade, when I tried to tell a girl how I felt, I was rejected. Not being able to tell her in person, I wrote a heartfelt letter expressing my feelings. What I got in reply was a couple of sentences saying that we should just be friends. Since that time, my self esteem has been in the toilet. I haven't been able to talk to girls since, but I long for a relationship so badly.
Thanks for anyone who reads this. I just wanted to tell this to someone. I haven't been able to tell this to even my closest of friends. I guess I have always been afraid of scaring them away. But again, thanks to anyone who reads this.
