Unwanted Suicidal/Violent Thoughts

[MovingForward]

I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've thought of killing myself/trying to harm others with violence for problably 6 years now (since age 13) and attempted this before but now I am truly trying to confront my depression. This post is not being authored in a particularly emotional state; there is very minimal danger of me following through with these desires any more; I AM getting a better gradually. I used to be perpetually high and suicide flashed through my brain several times a minute leading to several attempts. (Kids, don't try to do anything while on crystal meth, you will fail no matter how easy it is) Still, my question is concerning the more than 40-50 times a day that I think about this. How do I get this to go away? It's no longer a source of comfort, it's annoying. It gets in the way of making ACTUAL progress, not self destruction as a means of escaping my emotional confrontation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, or even just someone who knows what I'm talking about.

 

[evanescencefan91]

hey moving forward I've had similar thoughts when I was younger and still a little sometimes today, but not to the extent that you are describing. It is good that you don't seem to be at risk for harming others or yourself.

Are you getting therapy for this at all? You may think that you can control it, but feelings like these take their toll, and consoling can help lighten the load,

though when i was younger i was very angry at my parents when they took me to therapy after my parents divorce
But now I don't mind it as much. when i came down to uni, I got my choice of doctor ( who is very cool by the way) and my choice of when i have appointments, ( though the parents get the ubill )

so if you haven't looked into that, maybe try talking with a professional. And if you don't like them, see if you can get a differnt docter.

What usually causes these flashes of anger or thoughts?

do you know what triggered them? Is it external causes that mainly make you angry? like people being loud, having to wait in line? getting cut off? or people with big hair?

or is it more internal?

I'm sorry for all the questions I just want to understand you better

hey by the way are you 19?
dude *91 highfives*

i had a lot of anger when i was younger mainly at parents and some peers

i would brake pencils, mainly i would listen to heavy metal and scribble in black and red sharpie on my bulletin board and crap.

one time since i didn't want to cut myself, I drew cuts, and stitches and scars all over my left arm in sharpie, and I actually felt better afterwards

i wrote a poem about, i don't recall it all because my terrible 10th grade lit teacher never gave back any of our assignments ( and my screenplay too D; ( it was genius))
the last line
was
" a cut, i bleed blue ink"
excersice is really good too, just run or bike, or swim until you can't, the anger get's drained away with the energy,
and it makes you feel a lot better
studies have shown that regular excersice is just as effective as prescription anti depressiants

and talking is great too, even just typing it out for some online strangers is a great way to start

what kind of hobbies do you have, what kind of music you like?
what's your favorite tv show?

I hope things get better
if you want to send me a pm anytime you're more than welcome to

and btw welcome to the forum



*hugs*

 

[All In The Mind]

My thoughts faded with time and as things in life got more positive, so all you can do is really fight on....

 

[Frodo Baggins]

Sludgy mind and sludgy body.
The fight the common fight and the elevated feeling the heightened being the being bigger then yourself and hurling yourself bodily into someone and driving of all that oppose your kin and your people and defending it from all that sure seek to claim what you have and destroy your place.
Purpose. Not sludgy.

 

[MovingForward]

Thank you all for posting. I noticed that it is primarily my embarrassment at not having ever been on a date, having no friends, no job, ect, which triggers suicidal ideas, then jealousy and rage kick in and I (I understand this is unacceptable and narcissistic) and I feel like, "hmm...why should I let them win? Nobody's ever cared about you in the slightest, why shouldn't I kill them?" It's immature, irrational, but I can't stop thinking this way, it's like shame triggers this corrosive thought pattern. I'd like to avoid resuming medication, which I've been without for a few years. I've been seeing this therapist for several years and while he's a wonderful man I'm not sure if this has been a particularly effective method even if I HAVE gotten slightly better.
Incidentally, I don't mean to go on about me during this whole thing...If anyone else has this problem please post on the thread.

 

[drifter]

"hmm...why should I let them win? Nobody's ever cared about you in the slightest, why should I care about them?"

I've had almost the same thoughts as you, but I've put it in an other way.. If they die, it's ok for me.. if they dont die, it's too bad! I just never thought of killing anyone.

 

[Badjedidude]

There's NOTHING WRONG with thinking about murder and suicide. I'd say it's natural. When someone cuts me off in traffic, I imagine killing them with hood-mounted machine guns. When someone gets in my face and won't back down, I feel like doing some kind of complicated super-judo-monkey moves and cracking their necks. But I don't.

It only becomes a problem when you OBSESS over these thoughts or begin to posture yourself to actually DO these things.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Hey if the thoughts bother you then it means that you wont go through with it.

You need to look at what you are really saying to yourself when you have these thoughts.

"I dont want to deal with this."

"this is overwhelming me."

"I feel like I cant control this."

"I feel worthless."

These are what I mean when I feel suicidal. Find the alternative words that express your suicidal feelings and then deal with them.

 

[Mike Moose]

The director John Waters used to teach in prisons for the convicts..His advice was try to channel those thoughts into art...write a screenplay..paint a picture..anything! Hopefully by doing so you can reflect on what's going on..
His early movies are so full of rage,bitterness and hatred that if he had decided to act them out he would of been in the electric chair years ago..but instead he gets to fly around the world screening his demented thoughts..
Who knows your thoughts could turn into a cult classic!!

Anyway I hope you find a way to cope!
good luck..

 

[lomojojo]

I guess feeling lonely plays a major role, there is no connection to anything or anyone. I say this because my life now is not going in the direction I would like. I don't have a job, my credit is ruined I might loose my house my relationship with my husband is dying. I mean really, the only thing that keeps me going is my two kids and my dog... and I find myself having those thoughts quite frequently (only about myself not abut harming others) but then I give myself pep-talks and my dose of positive thinking and find that my negative thoughts get quickly replaced.
Good luck my friend!!

 

[Mr. Self Destruct]

I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've thought of killing myself/trying to harm others with violence for problably 6 years now (since age 13) and attempted this before but now I am truly trying to confront my depression. This post is not being authored in a particularly emotional state; there is very minimal danger of me following through with these desires any more; I AM getting a better gradually. I used to be perpetually high and suicide flashed through my brain several times a minute leading to several attempts. (Kids, don't try to do anything while on crystal meth, you will fail no matter how easy it is) Still, my question is concerning the more than 40-50 times a day that I think about this. How do I get this to go away? It's no longer a source of comfort, it's annoying. It gets in the way of making ACTUAL progress, not self destruction as a means of escaping my emotional confrontation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, or even just someone who knows what I'm talking about.

I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was 19, nothing too major, but they were there. I've never considered harming others.

I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but my suggestion would be to isolate what your actual problems are- what is it that pisses you off, what makes you feel sad, what makes you fly into a fit of rage. why do you want to kill people?

If you don't know what triggers you or what your problems actually are, it's impossible to get better, you're just going to be running around in circles.


The way that I look at life is- if you don't have anything to be happy or feel good about, then you'll never be happy or feel good. You can't just take some magic pill and expect everything to be great. It's just not logical.

If your life is miserable, and it's a struggle to get out of bed each day then talking to a therapist or taking some drug isn't the solution. The solution is to do positive things to improve your life.

If you've never been on a date, there's a reason for that. I too have never been on a date, but that's my fault. I don't blame other people and want to harm them. It's my fault because I'm a drag to be around. I'm not very talkative, I give off a bad vibe, and am just not fun to be around- it's that simple.

If you feel good about yourself, then other people will feel good being around you. If you feel bad about yourself, then people will feel bad being around you. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's totally true.

Who wants to be around someone who doesn't talk, is always pissed off and has nothing going for them in life? I know I certainly don't.

Who wants to be around someone who has a lot to say, knows how to have fun, is motivated to do positive things? Everyone.

It's human nature to want to be happy, nobody wants to feel sad- it sucks.

If you're still doing meth, you're going to want to knock that honeysuckle off. I'm sure you know better than anyone it's a dead-end road.

I know it may sound crazy, but try to get your body into optimal condition and your mind will follow. I like to think of myself as a plant. Plants, like all living things require a certain amount of different nutrients, water, CO2 and sunlight. People aren't any different. If you're not drinking enough water every day then you're not going to feel good. I'm sure you know what happens to plants when they don't get enough water, why would a human be any different? Same thing with sunlight, take away a plants sun and they are messed, humans are no different. If you don't feed a plant the right nutrients their leaves yellow, their growth is stunted, they just don't flourish. Plain and simple. Humans are the same way, if you're eating nothing but junk food and taking drugs it's not difficult to feel good, it's virtually impossible.

You need to totally change your lifestyle, if it was working for you- you wouldn't want to kill yourself or harm other people. Change everything.

If you listen to sad, dark music- knock it off. Just stop.

If you get up at noon, knock that honeysuckle off. Try getting up with the sunrise.

If you're not eating vitamins/minerals each day, you need to start. Imagine not giving a plant any nutrients and then trying to figure out what it's problem is? It's very simple.

I know I don't make much sense, so I'll shut up, but I really do believe what I'm saying will help.

Just try to get on a roll of doing positive things, if you do 10 positive things tomorrow that's 10 things to feel good about.

Happiness isn't in a pill, or the bottom of a bottle.

With that being said, I'm going to finish my high alcohol beer now. I don't always practice what I preach, but I know it's wrong and am trying to get better.

 

[lomojojo]

I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've thought of killing myself/trying to harm others with violence for problably 6 years now (since age 13) and attempted this before but now I am truly trying to confront my depression. This post is not being authored in a particularly emotional state; there is very minimal danger of me following through with these desires any more; I AM getting a better gradually. I used to be perpetually high and suicide flashed through my brain several times a minute leading to several attempts. (Kids, don't try to do anything while on crystal meth, you will fail no matter how easy it is) Still, my question is concerning the more than 40-50 times a day that I think about this. How do I get this to go away? It's no longer a source of comfort, it's annoying. It gets in the way of making ACTUAL progress, not self destruction as a means of escaping my emotional confrontation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, or even just someone who knows what I'm talking about.

I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was 19, nothing too major, but they were there. I've never considered harming others.

I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but my suggestion would be to isolate what your actual problems are- what is it that pisses you off, what makes you feel sad, what makes you fly into a fit of rage. why do you want to kill people?

If you don't know what triggers you or what your problems actually are, it's impossible to get better, you're just going to be running around in circles.


The way that I look at life is- if you don't have anything to be happy or feel good about, then you'll never be happy or feel good. You can't just take some magic pill and expect everything to be great. It's just not logical.

If your life is miserable, and it's a struggle to get out of bed each day then talking to a therapist or taking some drug isn't the solution. The solution is to do positive things to improve your life.

If you've never been on a date, there's a reason for that. I too have never been on a date, but that's my fault. I don't blame other people and want to harm them. It's my fault because I'm a drag to be around. I'm not very talkative, I give off a bad vibe, and am just not fun to be around- it's that simple.

If you feel good about yourself, then other people will feel good being around you. If you feel bad about yourself, then people will feel bad being around you. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's totally true.

Who wants to be around someone who doesn't talk, is always pissed off and has nothing going for them in life? I know I certainly don't.

Who wants to be around someone who has a lot to say, knows how to have fun, is motivated to do positive things? Everyone.

It's human nature to want to be happy, nobody wants to feel sad- it sucks.

If you're still doing meth, you're going to want to knock that honeysuckle off. I'm sure you know better than anyone it's a dead-end road.

I know it may sound crazy, but try to get your body into optimal condition and your mind will follow. I like to think of myself as a plant. Plants, like all living things require a certain amount of different nutrients, water, CO2 and sunlight. People aren't any different. If you're not drinking enough water every day then you're not going to feel good. I'm sure you know what happens to plants when they don't get enough water, why would a human be any different? Same thing with sunlight, take away a plants sun and they are messed, humans are no different. If you don't feed a plant the right nutrients their leaves yellow, their growth is stunted, they just don't flourish. Plain and simple. Humans are the same way, if you're eating nothing but junk food and taking drugs it's not difficult to feel good, it's virtually impossible.

You need to totally change your lifestyle, if it was working for you- you wouldn't want to kill yourself or harm other people. Change everything.

If you listen to sad, dark music- knock it off. Just stop.

If you get up at noon, knock that honeysuckle off. Try getting up with the sunrise.

If you're not eating vitamins/minerals each day, you need to start. Imagine not giving a plant any nutrients and then trying to figure out what it's problem is? It's very simple.

I know I don't make much sense, so I'll shut up, but I really do believe what I'm saying will help.

Just try to get on a roll of doing positive things, if you do 10 positive things tomorrow that's 10 things to feel good about.

Happiness isn't in a pill, or the bottom of a bottle.

With that being said, I'm going to finish my high alcohol beer now. I don't always practice what I preach, but I know it's wrong and am trying to get better.

*lol* Oh wow!! I find your honest advise quit interesting and funny.

 

[MovingForward]

Thank you for the responses. I have found that I am able to identify specific triggers for my undesired rage/depressive episodes, and while I'm unsure as to what to do next it has helped me even to try and identify these incidents as they happen; which has left me in a better position to prevent even the outbursts of object aggression that I later regret. I would recommend this to anyone else with this problem. Ideas on the next step are also appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Mr. Self Destruct]

*lol* Oh wow!! I find your honest advise quit interesting and funny.

- Oh really? I'm a little hesitant to re-read my borderline drunken rambling, but all in all, I think it's hard to argue with too much I said (in my opinion anyways). What caught your eye in particular?

I seriously do constantly think of myself as a plant, I've found it makes a lot of sense.