mattathyah
Well-known member
I like the forum and intend to stick around (if you guys and gals will let me) so I just want to share some of my past and present problems that have led to me needing to talk about it.
When I moved to Spain when I was younger I found it a very easy transition and looking back was probably the best decision my family ever made for us. I was bullied a lot when I was in school, for a good solid 4-5 years. I got to secondary and I could see that I was going to continue to be bullied but I knew I had to stand up for myself, I used my height (always the tallest in my year) so I looked harder to bully and it finally worked. My grades weren't the best but I could get by and I put it down to the fact I tried too hard to make friends and fit in. I had a group of friends but really only one real friend I could count on and even later on I found out that that wasn't really true. I could never talk to girls when I was younger and I still find it hard to this day but now I know that it's ok to seem weird and if they don't accept me then ok. All of the above and a couple of extra things molded my personality into what it is today. I try my hardest to be a good person but my identity isn't really clear to me and that really gets to me, I play guitar and am in the "metal-head" community, I see us as the people who don´t want to conform and can understand each other.
The problems started about 3 & 1/2 years roughly when I got into my first serious relationship, I was amazed that someone so beautiful could like someone that could barely talk to her and stuck out like a sore thumb anywhere I went. All was well and I was blind in understanding what a relationship was and I realize now that I was taken advantage off and my first year of collage was screwed because of it. I could see the end approaching but we weren't equal in the relationship and I felt trapped. I wasn't really clearly thinking about anything at this stage just felt like a husk. Then it all got bad and fast. My mum wanted to meet up for coffee since she was passing through the city so I thought it was a good idea. I waited for her outside my faculty and her car puled up and it was strange that she got out and I could see that she was upset. She told me that my uncle had died, it hit me hard but I knew he had been in a serious car accident and was in a long recovery. But what my mum said next will stay with me until I die, he had done it himself... I just fell and just everything drained from me. Before I knew it we were on a flight back to Ireland to the funeral. My uncle had been like a second dad to me and I just couldn't and still can´t understand it. We had the traditional funeral 3 day wake at home so we could say our goodbyes and I can still remember everything... I can't contain my emotions and I still think about it all the time. I got back to Spain and my partner was no help at all and a week later split up with me. 3 weeks later I found my partner that I´m with now who had had some similar problems to mine and we felt like a perfect match. I fell into an anxious/depressive state that took me a year to find help. I took meds and seen a psychologist but discontinued when I started feeling worse. Things haven't been going well with my partner and I'm thinking of spitting up this weekend. I just feel so lost at the moment and really as if I haven't accomplished anything.
I may have left details out but I find it hard enough to write anything about this.. thanks for reading it´s good to get things of my chest.
Matt
When I moved to Spain when I was younger I found it a very easy transition and looking back was probably the best decision my family ever made for us. I was bullied a lot when I was in school, for a good solid 4-5 years. I got to secondary and I could see that I was going to continue to be bullied but I knew I had to stand up for myself, I used my height (always the tallest in my year) so I looked harder to bully and it finally worked. My grades weren't the best but I could get by and I put it down to the fact I tried too hard to make friends and fit in. I had a group of friends but really only one real friend I could count on and even later on I found out that that wasn't really true. I could never talk to girls when I was younger and I still find it hard to this day but now I know that it's ok to seem weird and if they don't accept me then ok. All of the above and a couple of extra things molded my personality into what it is today. I try my hardest to be a good person but my identity isn't really clear to me and that really gets to me, I play guitar and am in the "metal-head" community, I see us as the people who don´t want to conform and can understand each other.
The problems started about 3 & 1/2 years roughly when I got into my first serious relationship, I was amazed that someone so beautiful could like someone that could barely talk to her and stuck out like a sore thumb anywhere I went. All was well and I was blind in understanding what a relationship was and I realize now that I was taken advantage off and my first year of collage was screwed because of it. I could see the end approaching but we weren't equal in the relationship and I felt trapped. I wasn't really clearly thinking about anything at this stage just felt like a husk. Then it all got bad and fast. My mum wanted to meet up for coffee since she was passing through the city so I thought it was a good idea. I waited for her outside my faculty and her car puled up and it was strange that she got out and I could see that she was upset. She told me that my uncle had died, it hit me hard but I knew he had been in a serious car accident and was in a long recovery. But what my mum said next will stay with me until I die, he had done it himself... I just fell and just everything drained from me. Before I knew it we were on a flight back to Ireland to the funeral. My uncle had been like a second dad to me and I just couldn't and still can´t understand it. We had the traditional funeral 3 day wake at home so we could say our goodbyes and I can still remember everything... I can't contain my emotions and I still think about it all the time. I got back to Spain and my partner was no help at all and a week later split up with me. 3 weeks later I found my partner that I´m with now who had had some similar problems to mine and we felt like a perfect match. I fell into an anxious/depressive state that took me a year to find help. I took meds and seen a psychologist but discontinued when I started feeling worse. Things haven't been going well with my partner and I'm thinking of spitting up this weekend. I just feel so lost at the moment and really as if I haven't accomplished anything.
I may have left details out but I find it hard enough to write anything about this.. thanks for reading it´s good to get things of my chest.
Matt