What are friends?

[MiyuZen]

ok so I have issues with this man I really like, but we are close friends, I also have issues with my best friend, I am beginning to think I expect too much from people but I don't think I do, so I wanted to come on here to ask others what you thought. maybe I am blinding myself by something like insecurity.

I met my best friend 4 years ago, she was going through a painful divorce and I helped there though it, I introduced her to all of my friends and a social activity which I was heavily involved in. we traveled everywhere together to events and she gained a lot of self confidence and I was happy for her. There was this one acquaintance of mine she really liked so I introduced her to him and they started to hang out, at that time I was having some family problems and I was really depressed and she told me she didn't want my negativity to influence her so she would leave me to deal with it, I felt so hurt and alone. she then ended up going out with this person and then completely cut me off and started going everywhere with him, I can understand if you want to spend time with your bf but she made no effort at all for me and I felt like she has replaced me in my own social scene. the places she goes to with her bf they don't go alone but with mutual friends and it's places we used to always go together, I dont know why they can't invite me I won't be with them all of the time, I don't have anyone to go with any longer and I feel lost. At the same time there was this man I really liked but he doesn't want to be with me and I am so hurt by that but I feel like I have no one to turn too everyone is just living their lives. I asked my friend to travel with me to this event next month so it could be like the old times, she told me she will probably see me there. I can't believe things have changed so much and I feel like I've lost my best friend.. I've been told by others this is normal when ppl get into relationships, but I have other friends in relationships who don't cut their friends off, I am not asking for too much her, I just feel really used and now im no longer needed I've just been forgotten.

 

[iBreathe]

... I met my best friend 4 years ago, she was going through a painful divorce and I helped there though it, I introduced her to all of my friends and a social activity which I was heavily involved in. we traveled everywhere together to events and she gained a lot of self confidence and I was happy for her. There was this one acquaintance of mine she really liked so I introduced her to him and they started to hang out, at that time I was having some family problems and I was really depressed and she told me she didn't want my negativity to influence her so she would leave me to deal with it, I felt so hurt and alone....

She's lucky you didn't say the same thing to her when she went through her divorce...

She doesn't deserve you as a friend, and jmo, but I think your expectations are within keeping of how you treat other people, unfortunately, they don't seem to think the same way. You might be too nice... =/

 

[eris]

and she told me she didn't want my negativity to influence her so she would leave me to deal with it, I felt so hurt and alone.

A friend wouldn't do that. That is not normal Im-dating-someone-now behavior. It would be normal if she saw you less or included you less - BUT NOT TOTALLY !!! And if that was the case she wouldn't have said that to you. That was meant to hurt you. Its just rude.

she told me she will probably see me there

This is just what I would do ...

if she does show up don't approach her. If she approaches you act a little condecending and say something like "Im sorry I havent been there for you but I really can't deal with your negativity." Before she can respond say "KTHNXBI" and go away. Try to let her see you again in the distance, smiling and having fun.

maybe that's too much and a little manipulative...but I would do it

 

[Asterli]

Hi MiyuZen,

You hit the nail on the head with saying that she replaced you in your social scene. She completely took over from my point of view.

What really caught my eye is that you write that other people tell you that this is normal. I can hardly understand because it's really not at least not in this way. Friends, indeed, will leave because they live their own lives. I lost friends too but I can blame myself for that too.

I can't give you valuable advice but I think that you have to go out and start building a whole new network of friends. It seems to me that this is what you get from your best friend but can you call her your best friend? I don't have one best friend anymore but I have a couple of special friends and just normal friends. Maybe you have that too and hopefully one will become your new best friend (my God I sound like Paris Hilton, scratch that last remark).

Just be yourself and she will understand your value (your invaluability) one day.

 

[MiyuZen]

Thank you everyone for the replies, I'm really not sure what's going on in my life recently. She did totally cut me off but other people don' know that so they assume she just sees me less. I think she is just worried she is getting older and if this relationship doesn't work out for her then she will never meet anyone else, so that's why she is putting all her energy into to and doesn't have time for me. When I confronted her about this issue and asked her why she never invites me to places, she said it's because I'm not comfortable with seeing them together? I have never said anything about it, it's not true. We went abroad last year and she was sharing a room with me (I had paid for) and she told me she didn't want any boys in our room to which I was annoyed because I wanted male friends to just hang out but I said ok, she then let her boyfriend stay over and I was a bit uncomfortable because I don't really get a long with him and she kept having a go at me for putting the light on etc. when he was sleeping. I felt really disrespected and I asked her why she went against her rule, she said he was her BOYFRIEND so was an exception.

I tried to meet her once at this event and I was pretty upset over something and trying not to cry when she saw me her response was, 'If I had known you were upset i wouldn't have come out to meet you. Why are you coming out if you are upset?' I really couldn't believe she said this, I always thought friends were supposed to be there for you but mine tend to cut me off, I've been told no one understands me so I can't blame people for acting that way.

I really don't think I can go to this event on my own next month, it will be too akward and I am not good at hiding my feelings, it's like everyone knows she has replaced me and I'm still the single one with no bf, I was the one who was rejected etc.. I don't like confrontation, but things eat me up inside. She keeps telling me we are still friends but I don't think friends act this way. I think I just get too close too people and expect too much back, everyone tells me people are only out for themselves, I'm not, why have my friends become that way. I feel like this is something very wrong with me but I can't change who I am.

I really don't have the energy to start again with a new network of friends its taken me 7 years to build this one and it wasn't easy, this is supposed to be MY scene, but I've lost so much love for it. I used to be happy being alone but then I made close friends and I gave them everything now it just feels like everything has changed overnight and I'm scared to be alone again.

 

[change 4 good]

I guess you find out who your real friends are in your hour of need MiyuZen. For your best friend to just disconnect with you in the way she has must be so very painful for you, after all you done for her too. Sure, people may form new friendships or even find a partner who becomes their whole world but for her to gain a best friend in you, form new friends that were your friends in the first place and to then treat you the way she is....well, she has shown her true colours and I really feel for you.

I'm not saying or wishing that things dont work out between her and her bf (ok, I am a bit) but if it all goes tits up and she comes running......erm, give her the 'negativity' line that she spun you.
You deserve better and although its hard to start over, making new friends etc it sounds to me like you are definitely a friend to hold on to for life and I'd cherish a friend like you.
BIG HUGS x

 

[VanillaCreme]

What is a friend?

Someone who puts up with you, no matter what. You can rely on them and confide in them. And trust and know they return the same to you.

Don't allow yourself to be used. No one deserves to be treated as such.

 

[Asterli]

Thank you everyone for the replies, I'm really not sure what's going on in my life recently. She did totally cut me off but other people don' know that so they assume she just sees me less. I think she is just worried she is getting older and if this relationship doesn't work out for her then she will never meet anyone else, so that's why she is putting all her energy into to and doesn't have time for me. When I confronted her about this issue and asked her why she never invites me to places, she said it's because I'm not comfortable with seeing them together? I have never said anything about it, it's not true. We went abroad last year and she was sharing a room with me (I had paid for) and she told me she didn't want any boys in our room to which I was annoyed because I wanted male friends to just hang out but I said ok, she then let her boyfriend stay over and I was a bit uncomfortable because I don't really get a long with him and she kept having a go at me for putting the light on etc. when he was sleeping. I felt really disrespected and I asked her why she went against her rule, she said he was her BOYFRIEND so was an exception.

I tried to meet her once at this event and I was pretty upset over something and trying not to cry when she saw me her response was, 'If I had known you were upset i wouldn't have come out to meet you. Why are you coming out if you are upset?' I really couldn't believe she said this, I always thought friends were supposed to be there for you but mine tend to cut me off, I've been told no one understands me so I can't blame people for acting that way.

I really don't think I can go to this event on my own next month, it will be too akward and I am not good at hiding my feelings, it's like everyone knows she has replaced me and I'm still the single one with no bf, I was the one who was rejected etc.. I don't like confrontation, but things eat me up inside. She keeps telling me we are still friends but I don't think friends act this way. I think I just get too close too people and expect too much back, everyone tells me people are only out for themselves, I'm not, why have my friends become that way. I feel like this is something very wrong with me but I can't change who I am.

I really don't have the energy to start again with a new network of friends its taken me 7 years to build this one and it wasn't easy, this is supposed to be MY scene, but I've lost so much love for it. I used to be happy being alone but then I made close friends and I gave them everything now it just feels like everything has changed overnight and I'm scared to be alone again.

The beginning was yours. 7 years it took all your energy. Don't you want to fight for it to restore it? I must say that I'm just as weak because I was ashamed of what my friends would think about the things I have achieved. If it's worth it you should fight for it (I'm learning a valuable lesson from your story here).

It also seems to me that you're afraid of each other. You're afraid of her in that you, maybe, think that your friends don't really care about you. She is scared of losing this whole social scene. Don't feel alone as long as you treat each other with respect. Friends are too valuable.

What about that social activity you mentioned? How is it going with that and don't you see any new opportunities in that?

 

[MiyuZen]

I do want to fight for it but I'm getting older and things change, I'm thinking maybe I should grow up and concentrate on other things in life? There are lots of opportunities for me there but I'm scared to go back I just feel out of place now, I've been out of the link for too long and others have taken over. I do think my friends don't care about me, but they say they do but they don't know how to show it or I expect too much from them which may be true. I always work really hard and go out of my way for people I'm starting to realize other people don't do that. i'm going to give it a break for a few more months then see how I feel maybe I can go back then, if I go back now I just end up upsetting myself as it brings me bad memories. I've actually formed a phobia of going to certain places, I feel like everyone is watching me and I can't do anything because people will judge me.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sounds like you feel self conscious now or paranoid.

People are fickle.