A lack of a goodbye when the only thing that ever really mattered (my girlfriend)left me alone ignoring my crying out for help and laughing in my face as I torn into my hands with my fingernails and scalp losing temporary sanity and almost getting hospitalized because the pain in my heart hurt so bad. Giving me no closure to forever be haunted by the fact what couldve been never was and never will be because of some fault of mine that im highly unaware of. leaving me crying for nights on end wishing I wouldnt of messed up when I never did
And leading me to believe that she actually cared for me when it was all just a ******* jest forcing me to chose family or her and when I chose her I wasnt good enough and choosing to leave me without anyone in my life that could show me any hope of the future now just a lifeless shell typing his life away on the internet looking for pity wanting to be loved by someone that will truly want me for who I am and not say they do then betray me in a way that cannot be forgiven now still in love with her because im mentally retarded or some honeysuckle or maybe I hold on to the fact that maybe one day she'll come back which is a stupid dream why wont I just move on.
I guess its the lack of seeing her smile that gets me the most or maybe not being told I love you anymore .The pain though for some of you not unimaginable but inhuman hurts more than I could explain in words, the things I felt for her will never be fully understood and the things I left uncomplete will never be finished. I wanted to help her I really did where I messed up I have no idea I feel like ive lost the only thing I could recognize and im now left a stranger in this world. I feel like a blind man but I can still see love I guess I should be thankful for that I still can love which means I can be loved aswell waiting is now the only option and its time to move on it hurts alot.
I dont think Ill be able to forget her as much as I try its the first person that I ever felt true love with or...what I thought was true love my first and one and only is what I thought she was its what I promised her and what she promised me, promise's are alot like myths there maybe some truth to it but its mostly just a story which can be interpretted into a lie.
I want to get up and dust myself off but when I stand up someone always pushs me back down I guess I should thank God ( where ever he is) for my cousin especially since hes the only one capable as of now that can pick me up off the ground and limp with me back home.I wont be able to get rid of her pictures for awhile I dont think I can bare to look at them I put all of my heart into that girl so why did this happen to me. Dont get me wrong shes not a bad person just confused and really messed me up I dont hate her I could never hate her.
I also want to Thank Rain, Vanilla, Blackcat, and Estreen you guys were alot of help especially you Rain you tryed your hardest despite my assholish tendicies. And thank you anyone I may have missed some people im sorry as of now im not in my right mind and cant say who all helped me. Im going to the doctor today to find out if its possibly just a temporary thing or im going to have bouts of lost sanity for the rest of my life.
Scary thing is I checked the cabinet's to see if I had taken anything while I lost my sanity (god knows why I did) but I found some of the pills were missing (yes we count how many pills we have we get them stolen all the time) and I'm scared I couldve easily harmed myself or another in the process.
Ill probably never talk to her again but if I did I would have to thank her for the good memories and making me feel alive when I was almost dead I WOULD be dead if she hadnt came into my life for the short period she did I wish we couldve had more time I wanted to see her and at least make her laugh face to face ive lost that chance and ive lost my heart Im sure ill find my heart but I saw someone step on my last chance the ******* I want to kill him but it doesnt matter anymore the lost is lost I know that but it may take awhile for that thought to reach my heart which still beats for her I think its lost contact with my brain and is out wondering on its own...
Im not looking for pity right now I just want you guys whove Ive caused so much worry for to understand what im going through do not worry about me I will be fine I think not sure..... Right now I just want to go to sleep and never come back to this world again.
Please dont hate her I dont think she knows what shes done or that I really did care for her I wish I couldve convinced her but everytime I got close something stupid got in the way. My only true regret is I didnt get to say a proper goodbye its what I want more than anything in the world....I think to put my mind at peace with itself.
Right now I dont know what to do I never realized how secluded I was and how lonely I really was until then.
Please dont call me stupid or criticize me my heart cant take it Im on the edge and I just need someone to pull me away.
I love you.
~Hijacc
And leading me to believe that she actually cared for me when it was all just a ******* jest forcing me to chose family or her and when I chose her I wasnt good enough and choosing to leave me without anyone in my life that could show me any hope of the future now just a lifeless shell typing his life away on the internet looking for pity wanting to be loved by someone that will truly want me for who I am and not say they do then betray me in a way that cannot be forgiven now still in love with her because im mentally retarded or some honeysuckle or maybe I hold on to the fact that maybe one day she'll come back which is a stupid dream why wont I just move on.
I guess its the lack of seeing her smile that gets me the most or maybe not being told I love you anymore .The pain though for some of you not unimaginable but inhuman hurts more than I could explain in words, the things I felt for her will never be fully understood and the things I left uncomplete will never be finished. I wanted to help her I really did where I messed up I have no idea I feel like ive lost the only thing I could recognize and im now left a stranger in this world. I feel like a blind man but I can still see love I guess I should be thankful for that I still can love which means I can be loved aswell waiting is now the only option and its time to move on it hurts alot.
I dont think Ill be able to forget her as much as I try its the first person that I ever felt true love with or...what I thought was true love my first and one and only is what I thought she was its what I promised her and what she promised me, promise's are alot like myths there maybe some truth to it but its mostly just a story which can be interpretted into a lie.
I want to get up and dust myself off but when I stand up someone always pushs me back down I guess I should thank God ( where ever he is) for my cousin especially since hes the only one capable as of now that can pick me up off the ground and limp with me back home.I wont be able to get rid of her pictures for awhile I dont think I can bare to look at them I put all of my heart into that girl so why did this happen to me. Dont get me wrong shes not a bad person just confused and really messed me up I dont hate her I could never hate her.
I also want to Thank Rain, Vanilla, Blackcat, and Estreen you guys were alot of help especially you Rain you tryed your hardest despite my assholish tendicies. And thank you anyone I may have missed some people im sorry as of now im not in my right mind and cant say who all helped me. Im going to the doctor today to find out if its possibly just a temporary thing or im going to have bouts of lost sanity for the rest of my life.
Scary thing is I checked the cabinet's to see if I had taken anything while I lost my sanity (god knows why I did) but I found some of the pills were missing (yes we count how many pills we have we get them stolen all the time) and I'm scared I couldve easily harmed myself or another in the process.
Ill probably never talk to her again but if I did I would have to thank her for the good memories and making me feel alive when I was almost dead I WOULD be dead if she hadnt came into my life for the short period she did I wish we couldve had more time I wanted to see her and at least make her laugh face to face ive lost that chance and ive lost my heart Im sure ill find my heart but I saw someone step on my last chance the ******* I want to kill him but it doesnt matter anymore the lost is lost I know that but it may take awhile for that thought to reach my heart which still beats for her I think its lost contact with my brain and is out wondering on its own...
Im not looking for pity right now I just want you guys whove Ive caused so much worry for to understand what im going through do not worry about me I will be fine I think not sure..... Right now I just want to go to sleep and never come back to this world again.
Please dont hate her I dont think she knows what shes done or that I really did care for her I wish I couldve convinced her but everytime I got close something stupid got in the way. My only true regret is I didnt get to say a proper goodbye its what I want more than anything in the world....I think to put my mind at peace with itself.
Right now I dont know what to do I never realized how secluded I was and how lonely I really was until then.
Please dont call me stupid or criticize me my heart cant take it Im on the edge and I just need someone to pull me away.
I love you.
~Hijacc
