What is scarier?

[constant stranger]

OK, I'm used to being lonely. I've been lonely surrounded by people and lonely when I'm alone. I'm entirely accustomed to seeing movies alone, and walking alone in parks and country roads. I don't hesitate to dine out alone and bring a book to read while I'm at the table.....although I always choose slow times for the restaurants because they make a lot more money at a table with many guests.

Here's what I'm wondering: What would my comfort level be to lead a non-lonely life? I really think it's more intimidating for me to actually pursue and achieve a more normal life, with friends and a significant other continue in this familiar aloneness.

Hence, I'm not doing much of anything to change my life and haven't really, for years. Except for joining a few organizations: public service type groups, honeybee keeper club and community college classes.....all artificial, structured activities. They could be a 'stepping stone' to authentic personal relationships.........if I let them. But I don't.

Why? The very notion of risking it seems like a foregone conclusion.....not necessarily failure and rejection (..although maybe so..) but certainly displeasing, like hard work that I don't really know how to do.

So I come to on-line sites like this. And next Saturday I'm helping maintain the Japanese Garden at the local college. Then I go home alone. Again. Safe and in control.

Anybody else in a similar position?

 

[SofiasMami]

Anybody else in a similar position?

Oh yeah, totally. That's me exactly. I'm not sure I will change that part of myself.
I would even venture a guess that extroverted people shy away from introversion because it's unfamiliar and scary.

But...the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

-Teresa

 

[Peaches]

Yes!
I have become a Master of Small Talk, Juggler of Parties, Receptions Dominatrix, for three years I forced myself to three to four social outings per week, and yet I lost the capacity to connect with other human beings, I am afraid to ask people how they are least they think I am nosy, unless someone else initiates emotional intimacy I just don't do it, and whenever I try usually that's the last time I see that person. By now I suspect that just being around people, although an improvement, doesn't give me that social and emotional literacy that I would need to go on and get a bloody life. I wish I had something to suggest, steps that can be taken, but I still haven't found any solutions to this problem.

 

[I||u5i0n]

I'm a little different, but not by a lot. I'm married, for one, so not "alone" in that sense, although in the sense of relatability or "being alone with other people" she definitely fits the bill.

I'm also prone to distance myself from the people involved in the same clubs/groups/activites/etc...except...for me, that hasn't always been the case.

Once upon a time I did community theater, and I was involved with the community, and very good friends with my fellow actors and staff. I've also worked with groups that - not to put too fine a point on it - the more distance the better.

This tells me that my reason for not investing much in the relationships with the people in the groups probably has as much to do with them just not "clicking" as it does with my own particular attitude about hanging around with other people. I also know that some of my former coworkers also fit into the category of "groovy people to hang out with".

Now, it's still not often that I get together with these people (or the very small number of actual *friends* that I have), but when we do get together it's worth it.

So for me, I feel like I have exactly the amount of human contact that I want. I know that if I really desperately need to make friends, that those places are out there...just gotta find them. But the important thing (if that's your goal), is to look for it.

My personal opinion is that if you aren't inclined to hang out with someone, don't force it...but I'd say opening yourself up a bit more probably couldn't hurt.

Check this out: I remember a few years back that a guy was walking across the street in Vegas near a mall. His hands were full of shopping bags, and he was wearing the ultra-saggy pants. When he was halfway across the street, his pants fell down. As he was frantically trying to pull his pants back up and finish getting across the street before the cars hit him, I was laughing my ass off. What an embarrassing moment for that guy, right?

Except it's not - I don't know him, and I'm probably never ever EVER going to see him again. I wouldn't recognize him if I did, and he surely wouldn't recognize me. "So what?" you say? Well...everyone else is no different. Unless it's going to cost you your job or get arrested, have some fun. The absolute worst thing that can happen is that you have an embarrassing story to tell the crapton of friends that you'll make by simply accepting that human beings are big dumb animals.

Smile.

J

 

[mickey]

It bothers me that people talk about having a significant other and friends as "normal life" and describe establishing emotional connections as "getting a bloody life." I live in Canada, where people are so obsessed with social things that technical excellence has never been worth diddly unless you know how to schmooze and kiss ass, and where "going with the flow" is an object of worship. As an inconoclast in a ridiculously conformist country I get irritated when people express prejudice toward those who naturally just aren't joiners or snugglers and for whom solitude is entirely normal. It's even more irritating when the prejudices are expressed by those very few people, who for some reason haven't accepted their own nature yet and judge themselves by someone else's standards. /rant

 

[I||u5i0n]

It bothers me that people talk about having a significant other and friends as "normal life" and describe establishing emotional connections as "getting a bloody life." I live in Canada, where people are so obsessed with social things that technical excellence has never been worth diddly unless you know how to schmooze and kiss ass, and where "going with the flow" is an object of worship. As an inconoclast in a ridiculously conformist country I get irritated when people express prejudice toward those who naturally just aren't joiners or snugglers and for whom solitude is entirely normal. It's even more irritating when the prejudices are expressed by those very few people, who for some reason haven't accepted their own nature yet and judge themselves by someone else's standards. /rant

I think that's more or less the case everywhere, and honestly I think it's because everyone is afraid of being alone. The world is a big scary place and for most people, having someone to share the misery with is the only thing that makes life bearable.

I never bought into that crap, even as a teenager, and you know: I don't miss not going to Prom or any of the games. I don't miss not going to the parties. I don't miss not participating in the fighting, bickering, backstabbing and the petty cruel ways children treat each other. And that tells me that I'm in a minority and that my absolute best course of action is to stuff what everyone else thinks and do what works for me.

As far as prejudices go, you're going to find that everywhere - even if you're not considered a minority. I still have a hard time dealing with bigots...I've always said, "Give me five minutes and I can find a good reason to hate almost anyone, I don't have to look at their color, gender, or <insert stereotype here>"

J

 

[lmph8885]

Oh yes! I know exactly how you feel.

For instance, yesterday I was thinking the exact same thing. I have few friends. One of them invited me to go to an event that would start at 8 pm. She said she would invite a friend. This didn't really intimidate me a lot, as small groups of people (especially if I know at least one of the people there) is not as scary for me. However, she called me before 8 to tell me they will arrive late, and invited me to her friend's flat to hang around with more people there before we went to this event. I could hear the people in the background, and a guy's voice (I feel intimidated more by men). I panicked so much I couldn't come up with an excuse to avoid that situation. I ended up saying yes and going to the friend's flat.

While I was there, I thought about how I am so used on being alone and not interacting. Felt like a surreal situation. Most of the time, when I am with a group of people, alcohol is involved (which I am trying to cut down). So being sober, with a group of mostly new people made me feel uncomfortable.

I don't know if it is fear, laziness or masochism. I just find it too hard to get out of my comfort zone. Many times I complain about my situation but I've come to realize that I don't do as much as I should to get out of this. Sometimes I try stuff to move on, but have no discipline, or just make plans that I never put into action. Maybe I am so used to this life and don't know how to live in another way.

 

[ardour]

I'd say the imminent fear of failure and rejection is the reason why relationships can seem like a lot of (wasted) effort and pain. You 'invest' in others; others let you down. And to express disappointment over it makes you a child in certain peoples opinions..

 

[I||u5i0n]

It's also much easier to declare something a failure without trying than it is to actually try and (maybe) succeed.

I've failed at a lot of things that I've tried, but I've failed at ALL of the things that I haven't.

 

[Arachne]

I am the same way constant stranger we share a lonely life. I am more withdrawn than most. I adore tending my garden alone, when I venture into the outside world I still feel alone. I view the people around me like bees, working tirelessly for a common goal that leaves me looking from the outside in. I always think that if you were to take people and place them in a box I would be the one on the outside looking in. A place I have no desire to go. I to volunteer work myself and on the outside I am chipper, friendly and none would know of my loneliness I am so adept at placing the mask on myself.Do I hope one day to meet someone absolutely, but being a boomer, I see that window closing sooner rather than later. So I am content to being alone. I will just immerse myself in my hobbies, faith and my grown children's now married lives. I am rambling but that's me the solitary witch. I suppose I have grown complacent in my loneliness.. Bright Blessings to you sir..

 

[constant stranger]

Blessed be the light that shines on you sister. We probably do have a few things in common, Arachne. However, I never did make it to hippy....I was a pretty good plastic hippy though, back in the day.

It's good to cross paths with you on this forum.

 

[hugswithtrees]

And next Saturday I'm helping maintain the Japanese Garden at the local college. Then I go home alone. Again. Safe and in control.

Anybody else in a similar position?

Yes and no, probably just slightly different circumstances.
All my life, it seems like some form of "exposure therapy" always worked best for me. It's not always the best method to deal with things, but forcing myself to face my fears head on (hands-on) always seemed to me to see the best results (whatever the situation). Of course that's just me, forcing yourself to face your fears can sometimes be as debilitating as it can be helpful :/

I love gardening <3 (I don't know, I just had to add that)