What is wrong with me?

[cheaptrickfan]

Seriously.

I had a date last night with a guy I've known for a few years, and dated off and on over that time. I always end up basically running away because he's a wee bit more intense about things than I am. Like, wanting to be exclusively, deeply into a relationship from the first night we went out 2 years ago. That sort of intensity freaks me out a bit. I kid you not, on our second date he started talking about marriage.

Now, I like him a lot, we get along great, there's some excellent chemistry there, but I think my hermit/reclusiveness has really stuck to me now. I am really uncomfortable about opening up my personal space to him, specifically my home. Actually, that's been across the board, not just with guys I date, but I haven't been inviting anyone to my house because it feels as though I'm violating my sanctuary. Ok, my cluttered sanctuary.


But really, the thought of having him come to my house is making me break out into a cold sweat. I don't know, maybe it's just a sign that I have to de-clutter and steam clean the carpet and maybe repaint the walls, reupholster the sofa, hang new curtains...

Good God, my BP just went up thinking about it. But the thing is, my home is cozy, comfy and all MINE. I love it even despite the piles of books teetering on the bookshelves, cookbooks and magazines all over the coffee table and the myriad kids' toys underfoot. It's not filthy or anything, just "lived-in" with old but totally comfortable furniture. Ok, so there may be some cat hair, but it's August and Cheetah is shedding and I'm doing my best to keep up with it. I think my problem is that if my house doesn't look absolutely perfect, then I don't want anyone to see it.


Someone tell me that I'm just being neurotic and to knock it off and to get de-cluttering.

*sigh*

I don't know what to do about his intensity though. When I saw him last night he was just as intensely into me as ever. I can not take this at warp speed though. He's of the mindset "Well if you like me, then you like me and there's no reason NOT to go headlong into something really big, really fast" but that's way far out of my comfort zone.

Jesus, I am giving myself stomach pains over this. See? In some ways it's easier to be a hermit.

 

[Samuel]

Tell him what you feel. You do not want to take it to fast. If he doesn't like it, he is not meant for you. You can just be great friends. And if he doesn't even want that, I don't think he is even a true friend.

I go to friends places, and as long as it is clean, I am happy. If it is dirty, well then i'll sit in the cleanest spot. Thought currently I do not have any friends with dirty room. But I have in the past :\

As for tidying your house, if it is the way you like it, that is how it is. You can do a basic tidy up, but it does not have to take up all your time to get it 100%. When I get friends over i'll spend 10 minutes tidying up, it is still messy, except you can walk around a little easier and sit on the bed, and add some extra chairs or what not.
And I like to hear that it isn't dirty, just messy. Just the way I like it! I should post a video of my room at the moment lol xD

Samuel

 

[samba101]

Hmmm heading into a relationship that fast can be vary scary and you sound as if it's going at a pace that your not comfortable with.

I was talking to one of my classmates today and she has grown up teenagers, she has a boyfriend and by the sound of what she was saying she just doesn't like sharing her space with her boyfriend, I guess she's used to being on her own.

Only you know what is good and bad for you and this guy just sounds like he's rushing ahead, really he needs to realise that relationships just aren't made overnight there's a period where you just get to know each other. Talking about marriage on the second date would honestly scare me off, I wouldn't know how to take it.

Maybe you could take about your fears with him? Get him to understand that it might be fine to rush into things but that you're not sure.

Anyhow goodluck.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Tell him what you feel. You do not want to take it to fast. If he doesn't like it, he is not meant for you. You can just be great friends. And if he doesn't even want that, I don't think he is even a true friend.

I may have to have this discussion (again) with him. He does not want to be just friends or FBs, and I'm good with that. I am just very uncomfortable having things go so fast.

As for tidying your house, if it is the way you like it, that is how it is. You can do a basic tidy up, but it does not have to take up all your time to get it 100%.

I should just start throwing stuff out. That's the easiest way to handle clutter, but then I agonize over what to keep and what to toss. I like all of my books and art supplies. maybe I need better storage solutions...

---

Talking about marriage on the second date would honestly scare me off, I
wouldn't know how to take it.

Thank God it's not just me. I usually end up with the fast movers though. My current ex-husband (ha!) was also talking of cohabiting and moving very quickly quite early on in the relationship and look where we are now. *snort*

Maybe you could take about your fears with him? Get him to understand that it might be fine to rush into things but that you're not sure.

I'll have to do that.


Thanks to both of you!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

A. That's becuase you're saving yourself for the best and you're in love with me.

B. That's becuase logic rules. You know **** well when a guy tells you he wants to marry you
too fast...on top of havn't had at least make you bubble baths or experiencing a shoutting match
over the frosting on your cupcakes...he dosn't know what marriage is all about . Therefore he's
just saying whatever to get milk and cookies.

C. Hair ball and kitty litter is easier to clean than piss stain on the bathroom walls and streaks on
a dude' undies. Plus you're still turamatized from the last time your ass fell into the toilet.
You have engram of your butt cheeks touching the water. You're not cleared yet whether
to shoot the cat or the man when push comes to sholve.

D. There's a messed up squeekie sound on your bed. You still have a mild concussion from
your head hitting the headboard repeatly.

E. The last SOB that told you he will love forever and promise to never hurt you was a musician.
This dude is one too.

F. You don't like the idea of mounting mirrors on your bedroom ceiling that he purposed to ya.
It would totally fresia up the lighting of your interior design.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

First off, you slay me.

A. That's becuase you're saving yourself for the best and you're in love with me.

;-)

I do wonder about how prevalent it is in our society about finding The Right One for Me as if there is someone out there who is a cookie cutter match for us. A lot of people take that idea further and resist the idea that sometimes relationships take work. Yes. Even with your soulmate.

B. That's becuase logic rules. You know **** well when a guy tells you he wants to marry you too fast...on top of havn't had at least make you bubble baths or experiencing a shoutting match over the frosting on your cupcakes...he dosn't know what marriage is all about . Therefore he's
just saying whatever to get milk and cookies.

It's always about the damned milk and cookies.

C. Hair ball and kitty litter is easier to clean than piss stain on the bathroom walls and streaks on a dude' undies. Plus you're still turamatized from the last time your ass fell into the toilet. You have engram of your butt cheeks touching the water. You're not cleared yet whether to shoot the cat or the man when push comes to sholve.

I can't tell you how strong an issue the toilet seat is. I think my lasting trauma is still more due to the lies told me than anything else.

D. There's a messed up squeekie sound on your bed. You still have a mild concussion from your head hitting the headboard repeatly.

I can't possibly respond to this without incriminating myself.

E. The last SOB that told you he will love forever and promise to never hurt you was a musician. This dude is one too.

Actually, the whole experience with my ex-husband made me swear never again to get involved with a guitarist. A bass player, perhaps, but never a lead guitar player.

This guy has no musical ability, so thankfully, no middle-aged yearning to be in a band.

F. You don't like the idea of mounting mirrors on your bedroom ceiling that he purposed to ya. It would totally fresia up the lighting of your interior design.

This is totally correct. Mirrors on the ceiling are kind of creepy to me.


You know me so well.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

First off, you slay me.

You know me so well.

I know you very well becuase it's your eyes. Your eyes tells me everything.
When I look into those beautiful green eyes it's like looking into your soul.
I wanna crawl into your eyes and drown myself into you forever.
It would like heaven on earth.

Second of all...I'm a lead guitar player. You can't resist me.
You have a buring desire in your heart for guys like me.
I make your blood boil. Your body aches with a high fever
when you get close to me. Surely, if I can make beautiful music
from a piece of wood and six strings, I can make your heart
sing and explode with tears happiness which no other man can.
Once you have a tasted of me there's no turning back or escaping me.
You won't settle for less nor want it any other way. I'm your ultimate extacy.
Becuase it not all about the milk and cookies with me. It's about making music with your heart.
You want to make music with me. You want to draw and paint your love into my heart...
Becuase being a lead guitarist...I play music from my heart. The music is simply an expression of my love or your love.
At the very least...you want to ingrave your name on my guitar

 

[Nyktimos]

There's nothing wrong with you. Opening your personal space to someone is like opening your mind to someone in many ways. It tells them who you are outside of the environment you usually meet them. Decluttering may make you feel more comfortable with it simply because it removes some of your attachment to the home as part of you. That may sound bad, but remember you are a human being not a place. Becoming involved with someone suggests giving up some of that control over your environment.

Obviously, if he is being too pushy early on in the relationship, he will probably continue to be so later on, and if you resist he will have to learn to accept it or he will be unhappy. You're right, relationships do take work and compromise, but it has to involve compromises that don't make either of you ultimately unhappy. It's some concern if you've already had the discussion about this and he is still the same.

I suppose the question is do you feel strongly enough about him to embark on something over which you cannot excercise complete control? If that level of commitment is what he's after, is that what you have to offer?

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I know you very well becuase it's your eyes. Your eyes tells me everything.
When I look into those beautiful green eyes it's like looking into your soul.

See, even my eyes are tricksy things. They change color depending on the lighting, what color I'm wearing and, anecdotally, according to my mood. They can range from green to blue, to blue-green to gray and all sort of permutations in between.

An ex called them chameleon eyes.

So maybe what the chameleon eyes are telling people is that I never present myself the same way to anyone.

That's sort of depressing actually, when I think about it. I have a tendency to over-think honeysuckle anyway.

And my new motto is Just Say NO to Guitar Players. Maybe I'll stick to painters, although I don't know if I could share my studio space. I sure as hell can't share brushes.

Holy crap, I've got more problems than I originally thought! :O

---

There's nothing wrong with you. Opening your personal space to someone is like opening your mind to someone in many ways. It tells them who you are outside of the environment you usually meet them. Decluttering may make you feel more comfortable with it simply because it removes some of your attachment to the home as part of you. That may sound bad, but remember you are a human being not a place. Becoming involved with someone suggests giving up some of that control over your environment.

More and more I come face to face with the idea of me as a control freak. I think it's getting worse as I age. Maybe it's the thought of each successive day rushing me headlong to my death that makes me try to grasp onto things.

Ah, existential desperation. How lovely.

Obviously, if he is being too pushy early on in the relationship, he will probably continue to be so later on, and if you resist he will have to learn to accept it or he will be unhappy. You're right, relationships do take work and compromise, but it has to involve compromises that don't make either of you ultimately unhappy. It's some concern if you've already had the discussion about this and he is still the same.

I know, really. Which begs the question, "Why did I agree to start dating him again?"

Part of me admits that I just want companionship, and we do get along great and have a wonderful time with one another. Is he the love of my life? No. I've BTDT and am amazed I survived that one. But I do like him.

I suppose the question is do you feel strongly enough about him to embark on something over which you cannot excercise complete control?

Again back to my control freak tendencies, and I'd have to say No.

I think things would be awesome if he could back off a bit and let me breathe and let us get a few consecutive months of hardcore dating under our collective belt.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

See, even my eyes are tricksy things. They change color depending on the lighting, what color I'm wearing and, anecdotally, according to my mood. They can range from green to blue, to blue-green to gray and all sort of permutations in between.

Holy mother of god, you have the perfect eyes. They're eyes of angels.
I married a woman with eyes like your's.
They're super smexy.

Use you head and follow your heart.
Yeah just tell him to give you time.
If he turly loves you and wants to marry you...then he would understand
to stay the fresia away from you paint brush.

You're like a beauty rose. If man grasp you too hard, he'll get cutted.

Just like every Rose has it's thorns....lol

See..only a musican can see that or recognized that natrually.
Btw..I know how to finger paint too

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Holy mother of god, you have the perfect eyes. They're eyes of angels.
I married a woman with eyes like your's.
They're super smexy.

Use you head and follow your heart.
Yeah just tell him to give you time.
If he turly loves you and wants to marry you...then he would understand
to stay the fresia away from you paint brush.

You're like a beauty rose. If man grasp you too hard, he'll get cutted.

Just like every Rose has it's thorns....lol

See..only a musican can see that or recognized that natrually.
Btw..I know how to finger paint too

Everyone should stay away from my kolinsky sable brushes. I found out one time that cats like them. To chew on. I saw my cat snacking on a $100 sable brush and I nearly took him back to the shelter. I caved because I'm a softie. The damned cat has grown on me, just like some men have in the past.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

he's a wee bit more intense about things than I am. Like, wanting to be exclusively, deeply into a relationship from the first night we went out 2 years ago.

'wee' bit huh? sounds like a wee bit of an understatement. the guy wanted to be exclusively in a deep relationship with you after the first date? sounds like he wanted a guarantee right there and then that you would be his for ever and ever. sounds slightly delusional to me. unless, you knew him and were friends with him for a good decent amount of time beforehand?

That sort of intensity freaks me out a bit. I kid you not, on our second date he started talking about marriage.

frankly it would freak me out too, it just doesnt sound like he has his feet on the ground. talk of marriage on the second date? surely this suggests he is a mental case or at least partially mentally unhinged?

Now, I like him a lot, we get along great, there's some excellent chemistry there, but I think my hermit/reclusiveness has really stuck to me now. I am really uncomfortable about opening up my personal space to him, specifically my home. Actually, that's been across the board, not just with guys I date, but I haven't been inviting anyone to my house because it feels as though I'm violating my sanctuary. Ok, my cluttered sanctuary.

it sounds as though you are genuinley interested in the man and there are a number of worthwhile aspects to considering putting an effort into adapting your current reclusive lifestyle to make room for him in your life. it doesnt have to be 'all in' though does it? has he been to your house at all yet? have you got a front porch, pergola or a backyard with two chairs and a small table where the both of you can spend a bit of time together 'around' your house but not actually in it?

But really, the thought of having him come to my house is making me break out into a cold sweat. I don't know, maybe it's just a sign that I have to de-clutter and steam clean the carpet and maybe repaint the walls, reupholster the sofa, hang new curtains...

cold sweat? really? is that a wee bit of an overstatement? if he likes you so much that he has already talked of marriage why would he have a problem with some clutter or a stain on the carpet or unpainted walls!? lol. though maybe you should reupholster the sofa, nothing is more of a relationship killer than an unreupholstered sofa.

my home is cozy, comfy and all MINE. I love it even despite the piles of books teetering on the bookshelves, cookbooks and magazines all over the coffee table and the myriad kids' toys underfoot. It's not filthy or anything, just "lived-in" with old but totally comfortable furniture. Ok, so there may be some cat hair, but it's August and Cheetah is shedding and I'm doing my best to keep up with it. I think my problem is that if my house doesn't look absolutely perfect, then I don't want anyone to see it.

sounds like you love your home just the way it is and that you are comfortable in your sanctuary, which is just the way it should be. it also sounds like it already is 'perfect' and the other 'perfect' youre talking about is the one that is created to project the image of what you think someone else wants to see. you are a mature intelligent woman that has seen a wee bit of this thing we call life, you have children that you are raising and seem to be level headed and comfortable within yourself, so why would you be breaking out into cold sweats with the thought that 'some guy' might actually see the way YOU like to live and who YOU are (as an extension of what your cosy little abode says about you), especially if you are serious about him and he about you. time is ticking. shouldnt we be honest about who we are?

Someone tell me that I'm just being neurotic and to knock it off and to get de-cluttering.

you are being neurotic. relax and throw some honeysuckle out. when you die you cant take it with you. all you take is love.

I don't know what to do about his intensity though. When I saw him last night he was just as intensely into me as ever. I can not take this at warp speed though. He's of the mindset "Well if you like me, then you like me and there's no reason NOT to go headlong into something really big, really fast" but that's way far out of my comfort zone.

Jesus, I am giving myself stomach pains over this. See? In some ways it's easier to be a hermit.

others have already said this and i agree, talk to him and tell him how you feel. if he is serious about you he will wait indefinitely and not push the issue (thats love), if not, then i return to my original assessment of him being a nutcase.

**** right, in some ways its easier to be a hermit, but then its also a wee bit dull.

what i am wondering is whether he has met your children and if he has you in such a tizzy with his unrealistic intensity what kind of influence will his presence have on them.

take care

 

[cheaptrickfan]

though maybe you should reupholster the sofa, nothing is more of a relationship killer than an unreupholstered sofa.

I know, right?

sounds like you love your home just the way it is and that you are comfortable in your sanctuary, which is just the way it should be. it also sounds like it already is 'perfect' and the other 'perfect' youre talking about is the one that is created to project the image of what you think someone else wants to see.

I think that what bugs me is the prospect of being judged because my house, my life, whatever aren't perfect. For some reason I always assume that people are going to render judgment and that it's not going to be favorable.

That's totally on me, I know. I have to get over it if I'm ever going to be ok with things.,

I'm just a smiling bundle of neuroses.

you are being neurotic. relax and throw some honeysuckle out. when you die you cant take it with you. all you take is love.

The girls don't know it yet, but we're de-cluttering the house from top to bottom today. heh

what i am wondering is whether he has met your children and if he has you in such a tizzy with his unrealistic intensity what kind of influence will his presence have on them.

take care

Oh, I have never yet introduced one of the guys I've dated to my kids. I swore to myself that I would do that only if it was going to be a serious thing. I don't want the turmoil of my dating someone, having the girls become attached to him (or hating him) only for it all to end in a few months. The kids don't need to be subject to that drama.

Thanks.

 

[fadingaway22]

Based upon your original statement, I can understand why you would be freaked out. Talking about marriage after the second date is certainly hasty ! You can not be dedicated to that type of emotional state in just two dates ! I think even a year is too soon . It sounds to me like infatuation more than an indication of true love. Marriage is a huge transition for anyone to go through.

As far as your house goes, it is an emotional safeguard that you have built up as a defense mechanism to your insecurities. We all have our own personal sanctuaries that act as our natural defense mechanisms against our own personal insecurities. Don't worry, if it is meant to be, it will surpass the test of time. If it is meant to be, then so be it. Until then, I understand your apprehension. This is a cold world. It is an unsafe world.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Marriage is a huge transition for anyone to go through.

Ha! No kidding.

As far as your house goes, it is an emotional safeguard that you have built up as a defense mechanism to your insecurities. We all have our own personal sanctuaries that act as our natural defense mechanisms against our own personal insecurities.

I love my house. It's kind of cave-like at times because I like to draw the curtains. I hate the idea of people peeking in on me.

Thanks.

 

[johnayboy]

you totally need to chill out... maybe, you should go to the bar, and have a drink, or two.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

you totally need to chill out... maybe, you should go to the bar, and have a drink, or two.

If I'm going to have a drink to chill out, I won't be doing it at a bar by myself. The bar scene is not my thing at all.

 

[Caranna]

Hi Cheaptrickfan:
Although the guy is coming on strong, it seems he really likes you and is into you. You've known him a couple of years, so you know him pretty well. You describe it as on-again-off-again. What were the reasons for the "off-agains"? Maybe you're just a little scared. It's hard to trust when you've been lied to and heartbroken in the past (I personally know all about that!). Maybe you could give him a chance and see him exclusively. Invite him over (when the children aren't home). Give him a glimpse of your home life. Just tell him it's one day at a time and you're not applying for the marriage license just yet. If it goes well, then in time you can introduce your daughters to him. I say give it a chance to see if love blossoms out of it. It sounds like he is crazy about you. Give it a shot and see how it goes.

I have to laugh - you said "no more guitarists" I say no more police!

 

[Shawn]

Seriously.

I had a date last night with a guy I've known for a few years, and dated off and on over that time. I always end up basically running away because he's a wee bit more intense about things than I am. Like, wanting to be exclusively, deeply into a relationship from the first night we went out 2 years ago. That sort of intensity freaks me out a bit. I kid you not, on our second date he started talking about marriage.

Now, I like him a lot, we get along great, there's some excellent chemistry there, but I think my hermit/reclusiveness has really stuck to me now. I am really uncomfortable about opening up my personal space to him, specifically my home. Actually, that's been across the board, not just with guys I date, but I haven't been inviting anyone to my house because it feels as though I'm violating my sanctuary. Ok, my cluttered sanctuary.


But really, the thought of having him come to my house is making me break out into a cold sweat. I don't know, maybe it's just a sign that I have to de-clutter and steam clean the carpet and maybe repaint the walls, reupholster the sofa, hang new curtains...

Good God, my BP just went up thinking about it. But the thing is, my home is cozy, comfy and all MINE. I love it even despite the piles of books teetering on the bookshelves, cookbooks and magazines all over the coffee table and the myriad kids' toys underfoot. It's not filthy or anything, just "lived-in" with old but totally comfortable furniture. Ok, so there may be some cat hair, but it's August and Cheetah is shedding and I'm doing my best to keep up with it. I think my problem is that if my house doesn't look absolutely perfect, then I don't want anyone to see it.


Someone tell me that I'm just being neurotic and to knock it off and to get de-cluttering.

*sigh*

I don't know what to do about his intensity though. When I saw him last night he was just as intensely into me as ever. I can not take this at warp speed though. He's of the mindset "Well if you like me, then you like me and there's no reason NOT to go headlong into something really big, really fast" but that's way far out of my comfort zone.

Jesus, I am giving myself stomach pains over this. See? In some ways it's easier to be a hermit.

I think itd probably be best to be straight with him and tell him.
If i were too intense and it was making someone uncomfortable i would want to know. Im not a guru or anything but it might help.

PS. I didnt bother reading the other responses so i apologize if this was already said.

 

[Nyktimos]

Hi Cheaptrickfan:
Although the guy is coming on strong, it seems he really likes you and is into you. You've known him a couple of years, so you know him pretty well. You describe it as on-again-off-again. What were the reasons for the "off-agains"? Maybe you're just a little scared. It's hard to trust when you've been lied to and heartbroken in the past (I personally know all about that!). Maybe you could give him a chance and see him exclusively. Invite him over (when the children aren't home). Give him a glimpse of your home life. Just tell him it's one day at a time and you're not applying for the marriage license just yet. If it goes well, then in time you can introduce your daughters to him. I say give it a chance to see if love blossoms out of it. It sounds like he is crazy about you. Give it a shot and see how it goes.

I have to laugh - you said "no more guitarists" I say no more police!

The only problem with letting someone like this in, if you're not sure you're into them, is if he has an emotional need for this long term relationship, telling him 'one step at a time,' in his mind, is saying 'we're definitely on, we just have to play a bit of a game first.'
Before long it'll be 'I've waited like you wanted, so what's going on?' 'I never said is was definite.' 'But you led me to believe.' You know what I mean.

The only woman I ever really loved used to tell me I was always reading too much into what she said. She was right; I needed her to be something she wasn't because I was in love with her. All that mattered was what I needed her to be, and what I wanted from her. I couldn't just focus on what made me in love with her, which was a lot and should have been enough. I feel dreadful about it.