V
VengeanceBurning
Guest
First I'd like to start by saying I really think this forum is a wonderful idea. So many lonely people in the world, it's great to know there is a place they can go to feel alittle less lonely.
I don't know that it will do much for me personally. I feel as though I've slipped through the cracks, fallen into the void. My story isn't one that's unheard of I guess; but it's what I struggle with each day.
I never had an easy life, abuse was always present. Be it my drunken mother, my physcially domineering father, or just fellow peers. You see I've always been an outcast. Not because I wanted to, just what I was. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn't. As a result I was socially stunted, and to this day I feel the effects of that. I could never hold a job, I get bored easily, and I feel as though things are always out of reach and hopeless. I suppose much of this contributed to my growing anger and hatred of the world, but it wasn't until I met her that the transformation would be complete.
I fell for her at first site. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts, not just emotionally, but physically? I have. I should have known better, should have walked away, but I didn't. I was someone looking to be loved, appreciated. I wanted to take care of someone, to feel needed. She had other idea's.
We had a relationship, somehow I fooled myself into believing it was a good one. We argued alot, but I truely loved her, and no matter what she did, I took her back. She told me her fatherw as dying, and then that he did. Then one day a guy calls me and informs me that she and I are done. I learn this is someone she has been seeing for quite awhile behind my back. She was in the background...laughing...LAUGHING!
I was hurt and confused. I eventually learned her father was indeed alive, and was never sick. She mailed my stuff back to me, but wouldn't talk to me. It took a week to get a response finally. She told me she never loved me, never cared. That I could be dying and it wouldn't faze her. Two weeks later it was x-mas. I cried the whole holiday season.
I ran into her shortly there after and she was with the new guy. He said something smart when I passed by and I beat him unmercifully for it. She attempted to claim I threaten her, tried to get a restraining order but was denied. After that it got bad. For a year the new guy and she would call me and email me mocking me. I'd fire back. One day I found myself threatened via email, so I threatened via email back. What I should have done was go to the police. I didn't, she did. I spent two weeks behind bars, cost 2500 to get out, plus 1800 for a lawyer who ripped me off. I lost a good job, and can't get a decent one because I have a record, plus she succeeded in getting a restraining order this time thanks in part to her sister dating a police officer and her now working for one of the best lawyers in NJ. She ruined my life, and for what reason? I just don't know, I really don't.
Now I'm alone again, but this time, instead of self pity, I feel rage, hot burning rage. My family barely speaks to me, I've lost alot of friends, it all just fell apart. All because of her.
I'm losing touch with my good side, and that scares me, each day the dark consumes a little more of me. Eventually it will devour whats left and then who know's what will happen. I spend most of my nights drinking and popping pills.
People tell me, try not to be upset. Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when the store was out of what I wanted. I used to get *upset* when the Flyers lost the cup. So if that's what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don't.
Tell me why I shouldn't feel rage, tell me why she shouldn't pay for what she did. Don't tell me I'm better then her, I already know that, doesn't change what she did. I tried to fight back, tried to use the justice system, it failed.
I don't know anymore, just feel so lost. Vengeance is all I know anymore, can't sleep, can't eat. I don't expect to find answers. Just felt like unloading. Like I said, nothing can save me because you can't save the damned.
I don't know that it will do much for me personally. I feel as though I've slipped through the cracks, fallen into the void. My story isn't one that's unheard of I guess; but it's what I struggle with each day.
I never had an easy life, abuse was always present. Be it my drunken mother, my physcially domineering father, or just fellow peers. You see I've always been an outcast. Not because I wanted to, just what I was. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn't. As a result I was socially stunted, and to this day I feel the effects of that. I could never hold a job, I get bored easily, and I feel as though things are always out of reach and hopeless. I suppose much of this contributed to my growing anger and hatred of the world, but it wasn't until I met her that the transformation would be complete.
I fell for her at first site. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts, not just emotionally, but physically? I have. I should have known better, should have walked away, but I didn't. I was someone looking to be loved, appreciated. I wanted to take care of someone, to feel needed. She had other idea's.
We had a relationship, somehow I fooled myself into believing it was a good one. We argued alot, but I truely loved her, and no matter what she did, I took her back. She told me her fatherw as dying, and then that he did. Then one day a guy calls me and informs me that she and I are done. I learn this is someone she has been seeing for quite awhile behind my back. She was in the background...laughing...LAUGHING!
I was hurt and confused. I eventually learned her father was indeed alive, and was never sick. She mailed my stuff back to me, but wouldn't talk to me. It took a week to get a response finally. She told me she never loved me, never cared. That I could be dying and it wouldn't faze her. Two weeks later it was x-mas. I cried the whole holiday season.
I ran into her shortly there after and she was with the new guy. He said something smart when I passed by and I beat him unmercifully for it. She attempted to claim I threaten her, tried to get a restraining order but was denied. After that it got bad. For a year the new guy and she would call me and email me mocking me. I'd fire back. One day I found myself threatened via email, so I threatened via email back. What I should have done was go to the police. I didn't, she did. I spent two weeks behind bars, cost 2500 to get out, plus 1800 for a lawyer who ripped me off. I lost a good job, and can't get a decent one because I have a record, plus she succeeded in getting a restraining order this time thanks in part to her sister dating a police officer and her now working for one of the best lawyers in NJ. She ruined my life, and for what reason? I just don't know, I really don't.
Now I'm alone again, but this time, instead of self pity, I feel rage, hot burning rage. My family barely speaks to me, I've lost alot of friends, it all just fell apart. All because of her.
I'm losing touch with my good side, and that scares me, each day the dark consumes a little more of me. Eventually it will devour whats left and then who know's what will happen. I spend most of my nights drinking and popping pills.
People tell me, try not to be upset. Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when the store was out of what I wanted. I used to get *upset* when the Flyers lost the cup. So if that's what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don't.
Tell me why I shouldn't feel rage, tell me why she shouldn't pay for what she did. Don't tell me I'm better then her, I already know that, doesn't change what she did. I tried to fight back, tried to use the justice system, it failed.
I don't know anymore, just feel so lost. Vengeance is all I know anymore, can't sleep, can't eat. I don't expect to find answers. Just felt like unloading. Like I said, nothing can save me because you can't save the damned.