When all you have left is rage

[VengeanceBurning]

First I'd like to start by saying I really think this forum is a wonderful idea. So many lonely people in the world, it's great to know there is a place they can go to feel alittle less lonely.

I don't know that it will do much for me personally. I feel as though I've slipped through the cracks, fallen into the void. My story isn't one that's unheard of I guess; but it's what I struggle with each day.
I never had an easy life, abuse was always present. Be it my drunken mother, my physcially domineering father, or just fellow peers. You see I've always been an outcast. Not because I wanted to, just what I was. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I just couldn't. As a result I was socially stunted, and to this day I feel the effects of that. I could never hold a job, I get bored easily, and I feel as though things are always out of reach and hopeless. I suppose much of this contributed to my growing anger and hatred of the world, but it wasn't until I met her that the transformation would be complete.
I fell for her at first site. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts, not just emotionally, but physically? I have. I should have known better, should have walked away, but I didn't. I was someone looking to be loved, appreciated. I wanted to take care of someone, to feel needed. She had other idea's.
We had a relationship, somehow I fooled myself into believing it was a good one. We argued alot, but I truely loved her, and no matter what she did, I took her back. She told me her fatherw as dying, and then that he did. Then one day a guy calls me and informs me that she and I are done. I learn this is someone she has been seeing for quite awhile behind my back. She was in the background...laughing...LAUGHING!
I was hurt and confused. I eventually learned her father was indeed alive, and was never sick. She mailed my stuff back to me, but wouldn't talk to me. It took a week to get a response finally. She told me she never loved me, never cared. That I could be dying and it wouldn't faze her. Two weeks later it was x-mas. I cried the whole holiday season.
I ran into her shortly there after and she was with the new guy. He said something smart when I passed by and I beat him unmercifully for it. She attempted to claim I threaten her, tried to get a restraining order but was denied. After that it got bad. For a year the new guy and she would call me and email me mocking me. I'd fire back. One day I found myself threatened via email, so I threatened via email back. What I should have done was go to the police. I didn't, she did. I spent two weeks behind bars, cost 2500 to get out, plus 1800 for a lawyer who ripped me off. I lost a good job, and can't get a decent one because I have a record, plus she succeeded in getting a restraining order this time thanks in part to her sister dating a police officer and her now working for one of the best lawyers in NJ. She ruined my life, and for what reason? I just don't know, I really don't.
Now I'm alone again, but this time, instead of self pity, I feel rage, hot burning rage. My family barely speaks to me, I've lost alot of friends, it all just fell apart. All because of her.
I'm losing touch with my good side, and that scares me, each day the dark consumes a little more of me. Eventually it will devour whats left and then who know's what will happen. I spend most of my nights drinking and popping pills.
People tell me, try not to be upset. Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when the store was out of what I wanted. I used to get *upset* when the Flyers lost the cup. So if that's what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don't.

Tell me why I shouldn't feel rage, tell me why she shouldn't pay for what she did. Don't tell me I'm better then her, I already know that, doesn't change what she did. I tried to fight back, tried to use the justice system, it failed.

I don't know anymore, just feel so lost. Vengeance is all I know anymore, can't sleep, can't eat. I don't expect to find answers. Just felt like unloading. Like I said, nothing can save me because you can't save the damned.

 

[nui]

Wow. Sounds a lot like me. I stopped doing that (though I still have thoughts very much like yours). I was just hurt inexplicably myself. What do we do, those with the rage inside? Hard to say. I generally remove myself very very far from the situation (like 4000 miles if possible) because I don't always trust myself.

I have to say for the most part, though, the rage does not stay on me a year...then again, I've never been treated quite so badly by the idiots who think it's a nice idea to screw over other people. It's not that you shouldn't feel rage. I still feel it all the time. Having friends who know what you're going through is good; talking is good. I know this sounds bizarre but the way I have really dealt with it is to dance. I spent most of my life fighting and thinking that was the way of it, and dancing gives me the same physical payoff that fighting once did. It's not as satisfying, no, but it gets the job done. An outlet, I suppose. Anyway, it makes me absolutely certain that I have a skill that "they" don't have (although frankly in my situation, since I was an instructor, they did try to take it from me...because I taught them).

Living a good life is the best...they stop doing stuff when it stops affecting you. When you won't let them affect you anymore. I don't know if this helps at all (I know how the rage can be, and in its clutches there is no right answer), but I thought it might be of some value, from someone else with rage.

 

[A_User_Name_No_One_Knows?]

Leave, Leave, the ****ing place. Leave it all behind, where ever you are, go the opposite way. Forget about it, forget it even happened. Forget your family if they were not good to you. Cali, Florida, Mexico, New York, take only what you need and get the hell out of the place. Maybe after some years you'll be able to deal with it but until leave the situation entirely, find a new home.

 

[keeper]

Leave as soon as you can, my friend.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Vengeance,

Life sucks, eh?!! But as they say, "We have to deal with life when we're alive, but we'll have to deal with death when we are dead!" in other words, we don't know what's on the other side so better not to try to find out until our natural time comes.

I'm SO SORRY to hear about that rotten ***** and how she hurt you. I know what it's like to be betrayed. It's humiliating. Please, don't make the same mistakes again. You lost your head and left the message, made a big mistake. All you can do now is pick up the pieces.

I'm a very angry person, too. I was also abused as a kid so I know how horrible it is. I still am suffering as an outcast and alienated person, too.

Please just keep going and don't let that ***** get the best of you.

 

[lonelygirl]

Oh yes, I had a similar experience. I had an ex-boyfriend who did such things as post my photo up on a social board to let people laugh at how fat I am and talk about that. And everyone on that board had rejected me.

I hate to say this, but I read your original post again. You are blaming her for everything, including your own mistakes. That's not fair. Who knows why this ***** messed up your life? You certainly did contribute to it, too, and I think you know that deep down inside. it's very hard to admit when we've messed up in life. It's much easier to blame someone else, especially if you have low self-esteem as I do.

I used to fantasize about every kind of revenge on my ex. I had some good stuff on him, too. Well, it didn't work. All I can say is that time will help. I broke up with my EVIL ex in 2002 and I still think about him very often. It's amazing the desire for revenge. However, it's really not worth it. If you do something bad to her it will just make you look bad. Life's not fair and we all get the shaft sometimes. Perhaps you got it worst than most. But the best thing to do is to fantasize about revenge, but DON'T DO IT. I used to read on the revenge boards and laugh and laugh imagining doing all that honeysuckle to my evil ex. He will always be my evil ex. The *******! But I am not going to waste my life, go to jail, etc. for that *******! You should not either. Imagine that ***** laughing as you are arrested.

 

[VengeanceBurning]

Lonelygirl, you seem nice enough, but your wrong about a few things. First, I'm not blaming her for everything, but the last year and a half of my life has been hell because of her. Others have hurt me, but she went beyond that, she set out to destroy me, and I am still unsure why, because all I ever did was love her. But that is getting off the subject.
Everyone always says, "Take responsability", that somehow whatever troubles you have is really your fault. That's bullshit. I have flaws, and yeah I did thing's I shouldn't have, but I never intentially set out to hurt someone, not like this, not like people seem to love to hurt me. If I am to take any blame for the thing's that happened in my life, it's that I was wrong for not fighting back sooner, that maybe I shouldn't have stayed quiet when people talked, maybe I should have been stronger, less willing to put myself out there. Yeah, if that's what you mean by it's partly my fault, then yeah your right.
My favorite book is "The Catcher in the Rye", fantastic story, but the ending really anger's me. The main character, Holden Caulfield, ends up in a mental hospitol. That really made me mad. There was nothing wrong with him. He saw the world for what it was, saw all the phonies, resented all the ugliness. Yeah he was bitter, but he had the right to be. He was different, an outcast that couldn't find a way to belong, because he refused to conform. For that he is dubbed crazy. I hate that.
It's always us, never them. That's why this forum even exist. We have to gather in clusters and try and figure out how to fit. You shouldn't be lonely because your heavy, Lonelygirl. No one should feel left out because how they look, or the thing's they like, or the way they view things. We **** sure shouldn't be blaming ourselves! I'm tired of this world, it sucks. Everyone I think is good and can be trusted turns out to be something else. I feel like Young Goodman Brown. The only good people are the ones that haven't reached puberty yet, and even they are falling prey to society. I hate this world I really do. People say, but it will get better, don't commit suicide. Why not? Because certain people have a sentimental attachment to me and my passing will hurt them? They say suicide is selfish, but who is the selfish person? The living who can't let go and accept that this person was in pain or the dead who were brave enough to know when to call it quits? What happens when a horse breaks a leg? They shoot it in the head, why? Because they say they it will never be the same, that they will be in pain and feel depressed. So it's ok to put them out of misery, but when humans feel the same way, it's wrong. Give me a break! It's that same belief that put a man behind bars for helping terminal patients pass on.
Look, I may have made some wrong moves handling my ex, but the genesis of all this has to do with her lying and heartlessiness. It's cause and effect. Every single thing that has gone wrong this past year can be traced back to her.
And I do think about her laughing, I hear that laugh every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I'll always remember it, want to know why? Cause it was the only sound I could hear as my heart was breaking.

 

[mimizu]

VB: That ***** sounds like pure evil. And people like her really exist.

There is two consolations that I've found:
1. Try to become as self-sufficient as you can... no matter how much it hurts, never kill yourself, because that would be a victory for her.
2. Most people, while being quite evil, aren't THAT evil. She is a sadistic ***** and her bf is a horrible jackass, but not everyone is like that.

BTW, you shouldn't have responded to lonelygirl, arguing with her will just make you feel more angry or hurt. It's not your fault. It's HER fault alone for being such a heartless *****. And it's society's fault for mistreating you when you did no wrong to them. This is how humans are. They like to hurt other humans who they see as "free game".

Humans cause pain because someone else caused pain to them, and to let out the pain they have to transfer it on someone else. That is most humans...

There is a second category of humans that are so messed up they get enjoyment simply from the act of hurting someone, making someone feel miserable, betraying someone's love. This is what they love the most, to hurt someone's trust, ruin a person's soul. Monsters exist.

 

[VengeanceBurning]

First let me say that I wasn't arguing with Lonelygirl, and I apologize if it seemed that way to her or anyone else. Everyone here has been very kind and really has tried to be of comfort. Sometimes, like Holden Caulfield, I can come off bitter and my intentions can seem askew. Rest assure I do appreciate all the input.

For the record, you can call me Rift, instead of VB. It's the name I go by. I'd give the name I was born as, but that person is long dead, and it would be an insult to his memory for me to pretend to be him.

I do know what my ex's problem is, truth is, I have since I first knew her, knew she was trouble. Infact people warned me. But like Tom Jones say's in his song "Delilah", I was lost like a slave that no man could free. I also thought I could help her, I really did.
You see, she is insanely insecure. For whatever reason, she has chosen to be a ***** to the world in order to not come off weak. I exposed alot of that weakness, and I don't think she liked being out there. She came to resent me for it. You see when someone is forced to see something about themselves they don't want to see, they either accept it and grow, or deny it and become angry. She did the latter. I wasn't prepared for exactly how far she was willing to go though. She brainwashed herself into believing I'm the enemy. You see in order for her to forget what she learned, she has to make me the root of evil. She did what Orwell dubbed in the novel "1984" Doublethink. She replaced the truth about me with a lie in her mind, then went back and erased the fact that she ever lied about me, so that the lie was always truth to her, if that makes sense to you. She will gladly destroy me if that's what it takes to maintain her fragile view of herself and the world. It's sad really. But my ability to feel pity for her has long since passed. But I will say soemthing that may or may not surprise all of you.

I still love her.

Insane? Maybe, but I won't sit here and lie. I care about her as much as I did back then, but the catch is, I hate her just as much now. Contridiction? I'd have thought so, but here I am. I have learned that you can love someone and still wish severe punishment upon them. Many will argue that it's those same feelings of love that have caused a resentment in me that wants me to hurt her, not the actually betrayel. Maybe in some people that is true, not me. I seek justice, nothing more. I love my father, but it didn't stop me from beating the honeysuckle out of him when he laid his hands on me for the last time. You see he was absuive, and when I reached a certain age, I had enough, and I warned him, he didn't listen, and he paid for it. Now we have a good relationship. Did love cause resentment, not the abuse? No, my sense of right and wrong did.

They say when a good person does something bad, they are no longer good. I disagree. When a person you honestly know is a good man or woman, and they do something bad, you have to believe in your heart, that maybe they didn't have a choice. Don't give me that bull about there always being a choice, because anyone who has been to a place where it has been too unbearable, too painful, knows that the only choice is the obvious one. Anyone who says otherwise is just being selfish, just prolonging your pain to avoid their own. Note that this isn't a suicide reference, but rather a reference to any choice made that seem's bad in other people's eyes.

 

[mimizu]

First let me say that I wasn't arguing with Lonelygirl, and I apologize if it seemed that way to her or anyone else.

I wasn't blaming you for arguing with her, I was explaining to you that she was trolling and you shouldn't have replied to her bait. For her it's just amusement, and for you it's pain. So I thought...

I do know what my ex's problem is, truth is, I have since I first knew her, knew she was trouble. Infact people warned me. But like Tom Jones say's in his song "Delilah", I was lost like a slave that no man could free. I also thought I could help her, I really did.
You see, she is insanely insecure. For whatever reason, she has chosen to be a ***** to the world in order to not come off weak. I exposed alot of that weakness, and I don't think she liked being out there. She came to resent me for it. You see when someone is forced to see something about themselves they don't want to see, they either accept it and grow, or deny it and become angry. She did the latter. I wasn't prepared for exactly how far she was willing to go though. She brainwashed herself into believing I'm the enemy. You see in order for her to forget what she learned, she has to make me the root of evil. She did what Orwell dubbed in the novel "1984" Doublethink. She replaced the truth about me with a lie in her mind, then went back and erased the fact that she ever lied about me, so that the lie was always truth to her, if that makes sense to you. She will gladly destroy me if that's what it takes to maintain her fragile view of herself and the world. It's sad really.

That's an excuse you made up to solve cognitive dissonance. You don't want to suffer because she was so cruel to you, so you try to understand her and make up excuses for her, to make her seem less sadistic.

I still love her.

Your choice.. seems like you enjoy suffering.

If you want my advice... you should be happy that you are now safe and away from her, concentrate on your own life and find some nice people to talk to... or if you don't feel like making close contact with people, then concentrate on something that will occupy your mind.

Don't make up excuses for her, don't love her, don't have any compassion in your mind for her. Try to forget her. Think about her as little as possible. Whenever she does come to your mind, concentrate and wish her to die. Never try to rationalize her behavior. She was evil because she wanted to.

I think that what torments you the most is that you still love her, and maybe you want her to apologize... she never will. She enjoys your pain. As long as you keep loving her, she will keep laughing.

The best thing is to forget. Erase her existence from your memory.

That's my advice...

 

[VengeanceBurning]

Your right Mimizu, about alot of it. All except the part about walking away.

I've been molested as a child, abused physically and mentally from just about everyone from a young age till my mid twenties. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's not. All I know is that I've taken life's honeysuckle for many years, walked away like everyone says to do, tried to grow from each experience and move on. Now someone decides to have me put in one of the worst jails in the country for a few weeks, then drags me from court to court, humilating me and costing me thousands, cause's my own family to turn on me, cause's my cat to die, and now she has made it clear she isn't stopping, she wants the big finish, she wants prison time. Either way, jail or not, I have a record and now I'm branded for life. All because she's a selfish ***** who has to get what she wants, even if it means manipulating her own family and friends, and destroying me.

So answer this for me....when is enough, enough? How much is a man expected to take before he breaks?

I walked away every single time before...not this time. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

 

[mimizu]

I didn't mean that... also I didn't know that she is still pursuing the case... I thought you are safe now. X_X

Well obviously you can't "forget" about her while she is still trying to cause you trouble, so scratch that... I thought it's over now and you are safe.

 

[VengeanceBurning]

My father, my REAL father, had alot of problems. I'm not going to pretend I know what they are. I mean I heard things from my mother and stuff, like his father used to get all liquired up and come home all drunk and angry and beat on him. My mother said it was so bad that my father used to hide under his bed when he heard my grandfather come home.
I guess that screwed him up good. I guess he was lonely too. People find that strange when they hear that cause he was married twice and had 4 kids. He had friends and family too. So people think it's crazy to feel lonely when you have all that, they think you should be greatful. People alway say that you should be greatful for what you have, that it could be worse, that your being stupid if you feel sad or lonely. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that, man I'd be set.
Anyway, I'm not sure when, but while he was still a teenager, he got addicted to drugs. He tried to kick it all his life, in and out of rehabs, but he always fell back into it. He just did his drugs and kinda stumbled through life, never able to hold a job or keep a relationship. It wasn't that he was lazy or bad, he just couldn't get a grip on thing's, ya know? Something was eating away at him, and it wouldn't let him get a grip, no matter what.
I remember when I first met him, I was eight or nine I think. My mother was seperated from my step dad, and me, my sister, and my mom were out driving and she saw him and pulled over. He talked to her and my sister. I didn't know who he was, didn't remember him, my sister was older, she remembered him. At one point he turned and promised me and my sister that he was gonna help my mom whenever she needed it, that we'd be ok. He had this big beaming smile, and you can tell he meant it. I don't know if he would have followed through cause my mom got back with my step dad, and he wasn't hot about my mother's first husband being around. I think my father tried to make friends with him once, offered to help my Step dad work on a car or something, I don't remember. My step dad kinda laughed it off, so did my mom. Like his offering help was a big joke.
He tried to be a dad to me and my sister. I remember visiting him a few times and how excited he seemed. My sister was cool with him right away. I wasn't. I wasn't ready to let go of the fact that my step dad wasn't my real dad, even though he generally treated me crummy. I mean my step dad wasn't a bad person, he just wasn't a good dad. He put food on the table and gave me a roof over my head and I appreciate that, but he was bad at everything else. Me and my sister had to drink water at dinner even though he drank Ice Tea or whatever, and we had to eat EVERYTHING. Even if we disliked it. I couldn't leave the table till I did. A few times I actually threw up and caught a beating for it. My mother was not allowed to make anything special for us, we ate what he ate, and that was it. Growing up wasn't pleasent with him. If you ask me, he could be a real *******. Which is probably why my sister left home when she was 12 and lived with my grandmother, I could have, but I didn't. Should have, still unsure why I stayed.
Anyway, getting back to my real dad, he tried real hard to do good, but it never ended up how he wanted it to. One night, on New Years Eve, he took some pills and died alone on his couch. They said it was accidental overdose, but that was just the cover so he could get a catholic funeral. The truth was he killed himself. A few days before dying, he went around to visit me and my three sisters. He came to my job, but I wasn't there that day, so he went to my sisters job, but she was off. My older sister and he hadn't talked in a few months, they had a falling out. I think that hurt him bad, cause she was closest to him. Everyone he tried to visit wasn't around. It was like he was coming to say goodbye, cause he never did stuff like that.
My sister said the last time she talked to him, he had said that he was human, and that he needed love too. Everyone thought that was a funny thing to say cause people did love him, but I don't think he ever felt it, or maybe it wasn't the love he was looking for. My father was a lonely man. It was the worst kind of loneliness, the kind you feel even when your in a room full of people. He was in a constant struggle with the world and himself. Everybody has an opinion about him and his situation, but I haven't heard one that sits well with me. I know drugs screwed him up, but it wasn't why he was the way he was. Like I said, I don't know why myself, but I think I have an idea. If you ask me, I think he never came out from under that bed. He was just too **** scared and didn't trust anyone. He just wanted to stay under that **** bed, but he always wanted to come out too. It was frustrating. In the end I think he gave up on trying to crawl out from under the bed, and he was tired of being under there too, so he decided he rather not be anywhere.

I know how that is. I want to fit, but I don't know how. Maybe your right Mimizu. Maybe I want my ex to apologize and make things better. Maybe I'm lying to myself to hide the pain cause I still love her. Maybe I'm looking for the happiness my father was searching for, even the implausable kind. I'm deluding myself.

I'm just tired of hurting. Tired of everything.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi,

I hope no one thinks I was trolling?!! Rift, I REALLY think you remind me of myself! You are clearly an intellectual. Of course you've heard that old adage, "Life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel." Problem is, it seems we are both thinkers AND Feelers! Lucky us.

I have thought about suicide MANY times. In fact I do sometimes even in the past few weeks. I don't think suicide is ever an answer, though. I have a failproof plan: IF I ever feel that I about to really seriously consider suicide, and plan for it. I will drop everything, grab a credit card, and book a trip to the Bahamas or a Thailand beach immediately.

Being in the sunshine, near the sea, with white sand, gentle breezes, colorful tropical flowers, and away from the cold, grey, ugly reality of life, I will be able to hang in there. Just knowing that the spring will come again each year gets me through the horrible dreary winter!

I am BEGGING mother nature to come and open the flowers and tree buds soon!

Rift, I would like to give you a huge hug right now.

I was sooo obsessed with my ex for over 2 years so I understand how you feel. I DO know what i'ts like to be betrayed.

As for my being heavy, how kind of you, I am FAT. FAT FAT FAT very fat! It's painful reality, dear. I do have a husband who loves me and is kind to me, but the fat gets in the way of the social confidence necessary to make friends. So, you see, I have no friends. Well, I recently SORT of befriended another very fat lady. So we'll see!

I wish people could see me for the beautiful things I have inside, but alas we are a visual species. Beauty and youth (oh and money) are the primary values of our society. We are as decadent as Greece and Rome before their falls!

I don't know what to say about your situation...are you still facing legal troubles?

What is taking up your time right now? Are you in school, working? You can post here or PM me.

Much respect,

Lonelygirl