When will I find myself?

[sloth4urluv]

I’ve spent the past six months of my life trying to change who I am, only to find that I am emptier and hurt more than ever.
I’ve drastically changed my physical appearance and tried to become a different person but I am still depressed, lonely, and hate who I am. I feel even worse now knowing that I've tried my best and worked so hard but it was all for nothing.
I’m tired of this life and don’t want to play anymore. I just wish it would end but it won’t. It’s like playing a boring game knowing there may be a surprise or something at the end, but to me it’s just not worth it anymore.

I wish I could say something more, I feel I have so much to say yet I cant find the words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like I'm completely dead on the inside and there is nothing left of me anymore.
I wish I could just sleep right now escape life for a while.

 

[Luna]

Sleep is pretty good. I do that when im depressed. But theres a doc that gives me the pills and tells me what i can take and what i cant. You shouldnt feel like this... Blah! If you changed the way you look, its even better. We need to take care of ouselves btw. I would tell you to dont give up like this. If i was not in my depresssion moment, i would ask your age and see which friends i have and would say to come vist Brazil in your vacation. Come on!!! Theres a girl, right now, waiting for the day that will meet you!!!

 

[Robin]

Sloth, i'd like to see if You actually could give us a description of what You'd like Yourself to be. How do You want to look like, act like, and think like? Who do You want to be? What would make You comfortable with Yourself?

 

[sloth4urluv]

Thanks Luna.

Id like to be someone that everyone likes. Someone that people love, understand, and accept.

 

[Robin]

Id like to be someone that everyone likes. Someone that people love, understand, and accept.

Hmm, i think we're talking about different things, sorry about that. What You're talking about is what we all want; to be a person that everyone treats well,. What i meant was, when do You feel comfortable with Yourself, not with how others see You. What parts of You do You like and what would You like to change about Yourself, if You do, specifically?

Simply; do You think that the person that You are can be that someone who everyone likes? I don't think i know You so well. How are You, as a person i mean, in Your own eyes?

 

[Luna]

Sloth, its impossible to be liked by everyone. Seriously! cause even when a lot of people like you, one person or other will start getting jealous of you. Americans have those girls that arrrrg i forgot the name!!! They jump, dance and make silly letters using their arms, you know? during the games... Blah!! I forgot the word! Anyway, they are beautiful and all but they are not liked by everyone. Even if you are handsome, you will not be handsome for all. cause I like black, she likes red and the other she likes blue, you know? lol And people will not understand how we feel or our opinions always. Its impossible to be unanimidade ^.^ You need to like, love, understand and accept yourself first and then other people will (not everybody, of course). I dont know what you think is wrong with you and probably nothing is wrong with you. What i mean is, even if something is wrong with you, theres always someone that would not worry/care about that. So "How do You want to look like, act like, and think like?" (2)

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

I’ve spent the past six months of my life trying to change who I am, only to find that I am emptier and hurt more than ever.
I’ve drastically changed my physical appearance and tried to become a different person but I am still depressed, lonely, and hate who I am. I feel even worse now knowing that I've tried my best and worked so hard but it was all for nothing.
I’m tired of this life and don’t want to play anymore. I just wish it would end but it won’t. It’s like playing a boring game knowing there may be a surprise or something at the end, but to me it’s just not worth it anymore.

I wish I could say something more, I feel I have so much to say yet I cant find the words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like I'm completely dead on the inside and there is nothing left of me anymore.
I wish I could just sleep right now escape life for a while.

Wow that's pretty much my situation... I quit smoking, started working out and bulked up lots (something I've been trying to do for over ten years). I made some big investments that should pay off, tried to be a little more outgoing and social. Even met a girl I like a lot and tried to hit on her (unsuccessfully though... something I haven't even tried in years). Came to this forum to try and address some issues and talk to others in similar straights.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere though. I come to the forums since after christmas and don't feel like talking anymore... don't feel like I have anything to say anymore. I read a couple posts, maybe the shoutbox, and look at the 0 messages, then leave. The girl I like so much is drifting further and further away every day and there isn't a **** thing I can do about it but watch her go. It tears me up inside every day, though I try to smother my feelings with work. I just keep it to myself that i think of her every day, cause if she just doesn't feel that way, then she just doesn't and I can't make her feel differently about it. And my telling her anything about my feelings will just probably make her feel awkward. And she's doing well and seems happy, so I don't want to burden her with my troubles. I guess all I can do is be there as her friend till she tosses me away. Once she stops writing entirely... which will happen sooner or later... either she'll just decide it's too much trouble to bother writing me anymore, or in my frustration I'll say something stupid to drive her away completely... then I'll crawl back into the hole I came from, and work myself to death hopefully sooner than later. All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

 

[Robin]

Well said, Luna! =) People need to get reminded of that sometimes!

 

[sloth4urluv]

Hmm, i think we're talking about different things

No, im also not heppy with the way I look.

when do You feel comfortable with Yourself, not with how others see You.

I dont. Its hard to like yourself when it feels like nobody cares about you.

What parts of You do You like and what would You like to change about Yourself, if You do, specifically?

Guess I like that im a nice guy. Im pretty smart, but I dont think im as smart as everyone thinks I am.
I wish I was better looking, there is nothing special about me that stands out. I have to work out everyday and starve myself just to have an average looking body, if I stop working out and eat a normal healty diet I continue to gain weight.

Simply; do You think that the person that You are can be that someone who everyone likes?

I wish someone could just accept me for who I am and just love me, but ive come to find thats just impossible.

There must be something wrong with me that nobody wants to be with me, thus I hate who I am.

I don't think i know You so well. How are You, as a person i mean, in Your own eyes?

I dont know, in my own eyes im just me, nothing special. Dosnt really matter what I thnk, if nobody else thinks like me then im just lying to myself.

 

[20years2many]

Hang in there, Sloth! Yeah I've spent my whole life constantly changing myself. I've never "found myself." I have no idea who I am and what I want to do. I feel like I am dead every day, just going through the motions of pure drudgery, with no future in sight. It's always been a struggle to "fit in." I received a lot of racial hate in school and from my peers' parents when I was really young, so I never have really felt good about myself. I did well academically, and even though I played sports and did other things, I was always "the dork." Come the last 2 years of high school, I stupidly turned into Mr. Popularity- only because I let people party at my house, gave them free booze, and took advantage of my parents' kindness. But I was never REALLY accepted- I was used. Then I turned into a fuckup- I became borderline-alcoholic, gained 20 pounds, broke out all over my face, and struggled in my first year of college. Then, I turned things around and changed my major to something I actually cared about, got my grades perfect, started eating well, exercising, quit drinking, etc. However, I am still unfulfilled and completely lonely. It's like all those labels in the past were prophecies. I am a loser, I am ugly, I am inferior. No matter what good I do now, I can't shake those demons. Every relationship I've ever had with anyone (except my parents) has been conditional. When there's something there for them, they love me. If I have nothing to offer or no prestige to give them, then I'm honeysuckle. Speaking of relationship, I've never been in a romantic relationship, and nobody has ever told me/indicated that they even remotely like me. I guess I've always been TOLERATED, never accepted. The one girl I fell in love with led me on by hanging out with me every day for a while, and then hooking up with my best friend when I finally told her how I felt. Yeah, sounds like a movie plot!

So sorry, I've been selfishly describing my own problems. Sloth, the one thing I realized from all of this hell is that you have to go out on a limb and throw caution to the wind. I mean, our lives are so bad already, so why should we f'in care what other people think? Take pride in the fact you have made positive changes in your life- the "haters" are stagnant people who just sit there and watch others live their lives while they try to cover their own insecurities by lashing out. And stop living your life for other people. I have always done that, and now I realize that nobody but me has the right to make decisions in my life. Stop quantifying success- any small victory is still a victory. I get depressed when I compare myself to everyone else, but I realize that EVERYONE ELSE HASN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. You are unique. Find laughter and joy in simple things. You won't believe how effective a simple Youtube video or TV (in moderation) is in improving my mood. I think of every basic task I do (holding doors, offering someone a seat, volunteering, cleaning, etc) as a job well done. Pets are awesome companions too- they treat you how you SHOULD be treated (unconditional love). I exercise in the morning- I swear, those endorphins are awesome! The hardest part is actually getting out of bed . In summary, I realized that I hated myself because I was looking at myself through the narrow eyes of others' expectations. Start living for yourself, put your middle finger up to the manipulators, and you'll start discovering who you truly are and what you want from life. I have started this process already, and it isn't easy to let go of all the societal expectations that we are programmed to fear/obey. Good luck!

 

[Luna]

^.^
sloth and 20years, like we say here in my country, we would need an axe to open your head/minds. :]
"No, im also not heppy with the way I look....I wish someone could just accept me for who I am and just love me" What is wrong? Are you fat? If you are fat and like to be fat, so keep your weigh. If you are not happy, go on a diet and just stop when you look on the mirror and think: if i was a girl, i would date me x) But change the way you look cause of you, not others, cause you want to feel better about yourself. On the moment you feel better about yourself, you will be more secure too. But something that i would like to make you understand is that even if you were fat, there are people that will not care about that and even like it. My best female friend, Tamara (i know her since i was 8/9) she likes just what is different from her. She is going to kill me lol but she likes guys on wheelchairs. Got the idea? She is really really beautiful but a guy with the legs working has just a few chances of making her fall in love by him. Got the idea? You dont need to be perfect cause, even perfect, some people will not like you and, even if you are not perfect, theres someone that would like to have you.

"EVERYONE ELSE HASN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH"
Sure!!! And the other way around is true too.

"In summary, I realized that I hated myself because I was looking at myself through the narrow eyes of others' expectations. Start living for yourself, put your middle finger up to the manipulators, and you'll start discovering who you truly are and what you want from life. I have started this process already, and it isn't easy to let go of all the societal expectations that we are programmed to fear/obey. Good luck!"
Even with a bit of "bad mood" ^.^, its really a cool part. I liked reading this =)

 

[Robin]

No, im also not heppy with the way I look.

I see. And how bad do You feel it is? How often and in what situations do You think about Your appearance and what do You do/avoid because of Your looks? Has someone teased You for it or is it strictly personal feelings?

I dont. Its hard to like yourself when it feels like nobody cares about you.

I'm afraid it's also hard to like someone who doesn't like himself. If You don't like You, don't You think others would believe that You're not worth spending time on since You think as You do about Yourself, as a warning? I'll try and help You see the good sides of You, but it'll take some time. We're all different and imperfect in some ways, but what is it about You that think people dislike?

Guess I like that im a nice guy. Im pretty smart, but I dont think im as smart as everyone thinks I am.
I wish I was better looking, there is nothing special about me that stands out. I have to work out everyday and starve myself just to have an average looking body, if I stop working out and eat a normal healty diet I continue to gain weight.

Allright, so You like that You're a nice guy who are relatively intelligent. Those are two great qualities. I also wish i was better looking, but if a person likes Your personality enough the love can be limitless nevertheless. Aha, so Your weight seems to be quite a big part of Your disliking for Your appearance. I don't look special either, but if You're a kind and caring person on the inside people should like You anyway. If they don't, they're not worth it anyway since shallow appearance is all that they care about. Do You feel You have been rejected because of Your looks?

I wish someone could just accept me for who I am and just love me, but ive come to find thats just impossible.

Well, even if You're good-looking You have to be a nice person anyway to gain people's friendship. I wouldn't treat a good-looking woman any better than an ugly person even if they would be equally as nice.

How many people have You tried getting a good contact with?

There must be something wrong with me that nobody wants to be with me, thus I hate who I am.

Allright. Do You know if Your parents gave You little attention during Your upbringing? Did You have a "rivaling" sibling that got more attention? Just because You hate Yourself it doesn't mean that others will. How do You act around others?

I dont know, in my own eyes im just me, nothing special. Dosnt really matter what I thnk, if nobody else thinks like me then im just lying to myself.

So You're not exactly the ideal person from Your point of view. Why should Your own thoughts of Yourself limit Your connection with other people? The longer You've had thoughts like these, the worse they will get. You see the world quite differently from me, and You know what i think? I think that Your view of Yourself and people in general is the biggest problem in all of this.

 

[sloth4urluv]

I see. And how bad do You feel it is? How often and in what situations do You think about Your appearance and what do You do/avoid because of Your looks? Has someone teased You for it or is it strictly personal feelings?

I honstly dont think im that bad looking, im nothing great, but im not bad. I used to be overweight growing up, of course I was teased by people at school and my brothers.

I'm afraid it's also hard to like someone who doesn't like himself. If You don't like You, don't You think others would believe that You're not worth spending time on since You think as You do about Yourself, as a warning? I'll try and help You see the good sides of You, but it'll take some time. We're all different and imperfect in some ways, but what is it about You that think people dislike?

Nobody dislikes me, its just no girl has ever romantically liked me.
I wast alwas like this though, its repetition of ridicule and rejection that makes you like this.

Allright, so You like that You're a nice guy who are relatively intelligent. Those are two great qualities. I also wish i was better looking, but if a person likes Your personality enough the love can be limitless nevertheless. Aha, so Your weight seems to be quite a big part of Your disliking for Your appearance. I don't look special either, but if You're a kind and caring person on the inside people should like You anyway. If they don't, they're not worth it anyway since shallow appearance is all that they care about. Do You feel You have been rejected because of Your looks?

Thats great and all but its not exactlly easy to find a person that isnt shallow.

How many people have You tried getting a good contact with?

too many.

Allright. Do You know if Your parents gave You little attention during Your upbringing? Did You have a "rivaling" sibling that got more attention? Just because You hate Yourself it doesn't mean that others will. How do You act around others?

Im the middle of two brothers. Older always got all the attention, younger always got whatever he wanted, I got ignored. I act normal around other people my friends and family cant even really tell that im depressed, that or they just dont care.

So You're not exactly the ideal person from Your point of view. Why should Your own thoughts of Yourself limit Your connection with other people? The longer You've had thoughts like these, the worse they will get. You see the world quite differently from me, and You know what i think? I think that Your view of Yourself and people in general is the biggest problem in all of this.

Never said that, personaly I think im a great person but I guess nobody else agrees. I dont have a negative view of other people, im shy of course, but im still friendly and pretty outgoing.

 

[sloth4urluv]

btw thanks for the advice luna and 20years

 

[iwasaloverb4thiswar]

Hey Sloth, I completely sympathize with you here, I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I go through cycles of good health and bad, currently in the middle of a bad spell, and the way I was treated as a child shaped a lot of my self-worth and esteem now. I know that I have a lot to offer and share with someone, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way, especially when I have never had anyone affirm that.
In the end it comes down to accepting yourself, not that I have any more idea about how to do that then you. I mean, just like when people made assumptions and judged you based on your weight when you were heavy, falsely, I think you may be doing the same to yourself but in reverse. You lost all that weight, and congratulations, that is something that is really hard to do, especially when emotions get all wrapped up in it. But the sense I get from your posts is that now that you have addressed what you thought was your major issue, you feel like things should have just fallen into place. That's my point, I don't think it was the weight that was the problem, I think it was just more of a symptom of your discontent. Here comes the really hard part; now you see how really difficult it is to find that connection with someone, regardless of what you look like. Think of all the drop-dead gorgeous people out there, they don't have any less of a battle to fight than you. It's a hard reality that everyone here is struggling with, myself included. In a lot of ways I think that my weight is a way from hiding from that; when I am heavy I can just tell myself that it isn't that I am not intresting or that there is a big possibility I may never find someone that I can feel that way about, its just my body thats holding people off. OK, that sounds ridiculous, but nobody said delusion was logical
So what to do from there? I don't know my friend. The most contentedness I have ever found was when I just pursued the things I loved and kind of ignored the rest. Only you are responcible for your well-being, as much as it feels like that if you had someone it would all be fixed. Thats not reality, reality is that as much as someone else could help, they also come with a whole bag of thier own honeysuckle. That probably doesn't help you at all, I'm sorry. Good luck, I hope that you find what you looking for, though I truly believe you have everything you need in you already, it just takes awknowledging it.

 

[Luna]

---^---<@

I dont know what to say anymore so its better i can do =/
Hope you will feel better soon!

 

[sloth4urluv]

Thanks ^^