Hang in there, Sloth! Yeah I've spent my whole life constantly changing myself. I've never "found myself." I have no idea who I am and what I want to do. I feel like I am dead every day, just going through the motions of pure drudgery, with no future in sight. It's always been a struggle to "fit in." I received a lot of racial hate in school and from my peers' parents when I was really young, so I never have really felt good about myself. I did well academically, and even though I played sports and did other things, I was always "the dork." Come the last 2 years of high school, I stupidly turned into Mr. Popularity- only because I let people party at my house, gave them free booze, and took advantage of my parents' kindness. But I was never REALLY accepted- I was used. Then I turned into a fuckup- I became borderline-alcoholic, gained 20 pounds, broke out all over my face, and struggled in my first year of college. Then, I turned things around and changed my major to something I actually cared about, got my grades perfect, started eating well, exercising, quit drinking, etc. However, I am still unfulfilled and completely lonely. It's like all those labels in the past were prophecies. I am a loser, I am ugly, I am inferior. No matter what good I do now, I can't shake those demons. Every relationship I've ever had with anyone (except my parents) has been conditional. When there's something there for them, they love me. If I have nothing to offer or no prestige to give them, then I'm honeysuckle. Speaking of relationship, I've never been in a romantic relationship, and nobody has ever told me/indicated that they even remotely like me. I guess I've always been TOLERATED, never accepted. The one girl I fell in love with led me on by hanging out with me every day for a while, and then hooking up with my best friend when I finally told her how I felt. Yeah, sounds like a movie plot!
So sorry, I've been selfishly describing my own problems. Sloth, the one thing I realized from all of this hell is that you have to go out on a limb and throw caution to the wind. I mean, our lives are so bad already, so why should we f'in care what other people think? Take pride in the fact you have made positive changes in your life- the "haters" are stagnant people who just sit there and watch others live their lives while they try to cover their own insecurities by lashing out. And stop living your life for other people. I have always done that, and now I realize that nobody but me has the right to make decisions in my life. Stop quantifying success- any small victory is still a victory. I get depressed when I compare myself to everyone else, but I realize that EVERYONE ELSE HASN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. You are unique. Find laughter and joy in simple things. You won't believe how effective a simple Youtube video or TV (in moderation) is in improving my mood. I think of every basic task I do (holding doors, offering someone a seat, volunteering, cleaning, etc) as a job well done. Pets are awesome companions too- they treat you how you SHOULD be treated (unconditional love). I exercise in the morning- I swear, those endorphins are awesome! The hardest part is actually getting out of bed
. In summary, I realized that I hated myself because I was looking at myself through the narrow eyes of others' expectations. Start living for yourself, put your middle finger up to the manipulators, and you'll start discovering who you truly are and what you want from life. I have started this process already, and it isn't easy to let go of all the societal expectations that we are programmed to fear/obey. Good luck!