Ray McCloud
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- Joined
- Feb 24, 2014
- Messages
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I'm sorry to trouble you with my story. If you want to read it, go ahead, and thank you.
First of all, I really don't know where to begin. I'm male, early 20's. I've never liked forums or blogs like these, but I really need to take this out of my chest.
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling very pathetic, so I'll try to make this kind of short.
I was never popular back in elementary, but I had my friends (like 5 or 7).
Being a male, I've always hidden my negative feelings, like fear, shyness, loneliness, sadness, etc. But I never hid my happiness or my laughter, just to make people around me stronger in different situations.
I think I was pretty 'average'.
Back then, I did feel kind of lonely -but not sad, because I really didn't relate to anyone significantly. I did feel like if I needed someone in my life, but not to the point like now.
This story begins like, 4 years ago, more or less. It was my last semester before going to college, and I was pretty upset and kind of sad because I have never had a girlfriend and I really thought that I would get someone by then.
So when this pretty girl begins to talk to me, It really was my world.
Not only she understood me, we were good friends, we laugh and all; but she really made me feel like if I had someone, someone that posted random things on my Facebook wall
(now, I don't have Facebook, but I'll talk about that later) or just simply chat till late hours.
We're talking that, we had 'face-to-face contact' for 6 months, roughly.
But not everything was roses and poems, because she had a boyfriend.
I always knew, and I really fell in love with her, because, virtually I felt like her boyfriend. I used to motivate her, cheer her up and all that, with all the things she wanted to do. I never really told her when I had problems or something like that, no; I just didn't want to trouble her with my things.
So we kept talking, I kept developing very strong feelings for her and all that, and naturally, she started to tell me problems about her boyfriend.
Now, don't get me wrong here, this part was a very long story in the book of my life, but I'll give you the short story:
I really loved her so much that I "sacrificed" myself for her happiness, this means:
I cheered her up and always tried to help her in all her problems, even with her boyfriend. And no, she never gave me "a signal" to act.
Even so she had given me a "sign", I'd had decided not to act, because her happiness was my priority, not mine.
So yeah, I really suffered, cursing her boyfriend and half-enjoying "our time together".
And then the time to go to college arrived, by this time, I was really feeling lonely.
I think I started feeling this way because she had shown me how companionship feels, and I was really missing that feeling.
So now, we're in college, I still talk to her via Facebook and all that, but It was simply not the same… plus our talks were small and not very relevant.
I remember telling here once that I really felt lonely, but also I think I'm very shy, so I couldn't really tell her all the story, and I ended up isolating.
I was never so active in Facebook, I rarely post something, not to mention that I never posted how I felt, because I didn't want to be an "attention seeker" (that's why I feel pathetic here… [no offense to anyone, just my personal point of view about myself, sorry if I made some of you feel bad or angry]).
Didn't matter If I was crying or really felt very bad.
Sometimes, she would write on my wall things like "where are you" or "I miss you" things like that. At first, I thought it was kind of sweet, but when we were chatting, all she wanted to talk about was herself and her problems. Rarely she asked about me, and I think that just made things worse for me because that made me feel like if I was being used.
A month passed and once in a blue moon we talked, and then she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. That made me wonder, was all my efforts in vain?
Days after, we kept chatting, and then she told me that "there was someone else".
My heart almost got out of my chest, half my happiness was coming back to me and I could feel some heat from my whole body. But then again… "the other one" wasn't me.
Sure, at first I thought "maybe it's one of those girlish tricks" but I was being optimistic. Once I checked her wall, I could clearly read that some of her friends were mentioning by name "the other one" and of course, she answering "shyly".
Once again a broken hearth. But more than that, I begun to feel really really lonely -but still not sad. I just missed talking to someone the way she and I used to talk.
"The other one" and she started going out, and I couldn't feel happy for them… That's something terrible to say, but I was really sad.
So I begun to dislike Facebook, and stopped using it (if I wasn't using it actively before, imagine it).
Because the way I treated my friends (I always helped them and really never waited something in return -except expect them to hear me) eventually, my friends started to look for me -jut because I could help them.
It's really funny, because nobody noticed the things I did for them until I stopped doing them…
But anyway, after this (2 year period or so), I tried to make friends in college, but because of where I am it's really difficult. Everyone thinks is better than everybody.
It's strange to explain it, really. In the end… I have 3 friends.
But not friends like… in a real friendship… (I don't talk about me, actually, I don't talk about me because I really don't trust anyone, but everybody really trusts me. Going so far as to share very intimate secrets about them and so) more like:
"Me: -Hi!"
"Friend: -Hey!"
[Insert random things or 'tasks to do' to discuss here]
"Me: -Ok, bye"
"Friend: -Bye"
Plus, virtually half the people that I "know" plays an online game and they don't do other thing than talking about it, and so I don't understand a thing about
what they're talking and I just go away listening to my iPod.
I really tried to like that game, not to be left out, but it just wasn't my cup of tea.
And, at that point, all that time I was still thinking about her… and wondering if she was OK, if she was being loved, if she was happy...
In all that time, I met some girls but every single one of them has a boyfriend
(I know some of you will relate) It's like if "cupid" has a gun instead of a bow.
And so my loneliness begun to increase, because I started thinking about how companionship should feel, and obviously I want (or need at this point) to feel it again.
Like half a year ago, 'she' and I talked, again. Like before, she wrote "I miss you" on my Facebook wall. At this point, I really didn't care… but still cared (hard to explain).
So we "talk" and then she tells me that she read all our conversations from the past, and that she really appreciate that I have helped her. I told her that there was no problem and all that, and then she told me that she wanted to see me. I got curious and kind of happy, and then she told me that she needed help, and I feel used once more.
What I did, is that I found my way to help her through chat, and once I helped her and assured that she was Ok (problems with her boyfriend, from his part, and she told me that she really loved him and that really pierced through my hearth) I decided that I had
"no one" really significant in Facebook and I decided to erase it (not closing, I had to actually wait like 2 weeks).
Now I'm feeling even lonelier, I don't really want to know anything about her nor do I care. But I have really no one around to count on. Thinking about this just makes things worse and seeing all those happy couples & friends just worse it (nothing wrong with that, just my problem).
Sometimes I like to imagine things different, If I had someone close to me, someone that listens to me, someone that holds me and hugs me and I would be more than happy to make things for that someone, make her happy, cheer her up, listen when she's angry or sad.
Hug her when she feels lonely too, and maybe we could overcome it.
Give her space, because sometimes girls just need that. Message her in the mornings saying "I hope to see you today" and at nights wishing her sweet dreams.
But doing so just makes me sad, and sometimes I cry at night.
I really think that I'm ugly, I jus't can't think of another reason as to why people don't talk to me. Or ignore me (sometimes, I like to give my opinion and the people just ignore me like that) when I talk to them. Plus I feel very shy sometimes, but if someone talks to me, I would just talk normally (not talking about me, but talking about what the other person may like).
I really feel as if my soul needs attention.
Fun facts are that: I don't really feel comfortable around "beautiful girls", or the
"hot ones". Actually I find girls with glasses pretty cute (bonus if they have brackets).
Also, sometimes I look around in my school for "lonely" people to talk. But when I'm about to go and try to make small talk, someone arrives (one of their friends) and if I was
mid-way, that just makes me feel embarrassed, and I turn back.
I don't really know how you all feel about loneliness, but I think it hurts more when you have tasted companionship, because the lack of it is greatly emphasized.
I really think that I'm the boring one, the wrong one, the broken one, the lonely one.
What do you think? Please, I'd like to read your comments.
And thank you very much for reading all my story.
First of all, I really don't know where to begin. I'm male, early 20's. I've never liked forums or blogs like these, but I really need to take this out of my chest.
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling very pathetic, so I'll try to make this kind of short.
I was never popular back in elementary, but I had my friends (like 5 or 7).
Being a male, I've always hidden my negative feelings, like fear, shyness, loneliness, sadness, etc. But I never hid my happiness or my laughter, just to make people around me stronger in different situations.
I think I was pretty 'average'.
Back then, I did feel kind of lonely -but not sad, because I really didn't relate to anyone significantly. I did feel like if I needed someone in my life, but not to the point like now.
This story begins like, 4 years ago, more or less. It was my last semester before going to college, and I was pretty upset and kind of sad because I have never had a girlfriend and I really thought that I would get someone by then.
So when this pretty girl begins to talk to me, It really was my world.
Not only she understood me, we were good friends, we laugh and all; but she really made me feel like if I had someone, someone that posted random things on my Facebook wall
(now, I don't have Facebook, but I'll talk about that later) or just simply chat till late hours.
We're talking that, we had 'face-to-face contact' for 6 months, roughly.
But not everything was roses and poems, because she had a boyfriend.
I always knew, and I really fell in love with her, because, virtually I felt like her boyfriend. I used to motivate her, cheer her up and all that, with all the things she wanted to do. I never really told her when I had problems or something like that, no; I just didn't want to trouble her with my things.
So we kept talking, I kept developing very strong feelings for her and all that, and naturally, she started to tell me problems about her boyfriend.
Now, don't get me wrong here, this part was a very long story in the book of my life, but I'll give you the short story:
I really loved her so much that I "sacrificed" myself for her happiness, this means:
I cheered her up and always tried to help her in all her problems, even with her boyfriend. And no, she never gave me "a signal" to act.
Even so she had given me a "sign", I'd had decided not to act, because her happiness was my priority, not mine.
So yeah, I really suffered, cursing her boyfriend and half-enjoying "our time together".
And then the time to go to college arrived, by this time, I was really feeling lonely.
I think I started feeling this way because she had shown me how companionship feels, and I was really missing that feeling.
So now, we're in college, I still talk to her via Facebook and all that, but It was simply not the same… plus our talks were small and not very relevant.
I remember telling here once that I really felt lonely, but also I think I'm very shy, so I couldn't really tell her all the story, and I ended up isolating.
I was never so active in Facebook, I rarely post something, not to mention that I never posted how I felt, because I didn't want to be an "attention seeker" (that's why I feel pathetic here… [no offense to anyone, just my personal point of view about myself, sorry if I made some of you feel bad or angry]).
Didn't matter If I was crying or really felt very bad.
Sometimes, she would write on my wall things like "where are you" or "I miss you" things like that. At first, I thought it was kind of sweet, but when we were chatting, all she wanted to talk about was herself and her problems. Rarely she asked about me, and I think that just made things worse for me because that made me feel like if I was being used.
A month passed and once in a blue moon we talked, and then she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. That made me wonder, was all my efforts in vain?
Days after, we kept chatting, and then she told me that "there was someone else".
My heart almost got out of my chest, half my happiness was coming back to me and I could feel some heat from my whole body. But then again… "the other one" wasn't me.
Sure, at first I thought "maybe it's one of those girlish tricks" but I was being optimistic. Once I checked her wall, I could clearly read that some of her friends were mentioning by name "the other one" and of course, she answering "shyly".
Once again a broken hearth. But more than that, I begun to feel really really lonely -but still not sad. I just missed talking to someone the way she and I used to talk.
"The other one" and she started going out, and I couldn't feel happy for them… That's something terrible to say, but I was really sad.
So I begun to dislike Facebook, and stopped using it (if I wasn't using it actively before, imagine it).
Because the way I treated my friends (I always helped them and really never waited something in return -except expect them to hear me) eventually, my friends started to look for me -jut because I could help them.
It's really funny, because nobody noticed the things I did for them until I stopped doing them…
But anyway, after this (2 year period or so), I tried to make friends in college, but because of where I am it's really difficult. Everyone thinks is better than everybody.
It's strange to explain it, really. In the end… I have 3 friends.
But not friends like… in a real friendship… (I don't talk about me, actually, I don't talk about me because I really don't trust anyone, but everybody really trusts me. Going so far as to share very intimate secrets about them and so) more like:
"Me: -Hi!"
"Friend: -Hey!"
[Insert random things or 'tasks to do' to discuss here]
"Me: -Ok, bye"
"Friend: -Bye"
Plus, virtually half the people that I "know" plays an online game and they don't do other thing than talking about it, and so I don't understand a thing about
what they're talking and I just go away listening to my iPod.
I really tried to like that game, not to be left out, but it just wasn't my cup of tea.
And, at that point, all that time I was still thinking about her… and wondering if she was OK, if she was being loved, if she was happy...
In all that time, I met some girls but every single one of them has a boyfriend
(I know some of you will relate) It's like if "cupid" has a gun instead of a bow.
And so my loneliness begun to increase, because I started thinking about how companionship should feel, and obviously I want (or need at this point) to feel it again.
Like half a year ago, 'she' and I talked, again. Like before, she wrote "I miss you" on my Facebook wall. At this point, I really didn't care… but still cared (hard to explain).
So we "talk" and then she tells me that she read all our conversations from the past, and that she really appreciate that I have helped her. I told her that there was no problem and all that, and then she told me that she wanted to see me. I got curious and kind of happy, and then she told me that she needed help, and I feel used once more.
What I did, is that I found my way to help her through chat, and once I helped her and assured that she was Ok (problems with her boyfriend, from his part, and she told me that she really loved him and that really pierced through my hearth) I decided that I had
"no one" really significant in Facebook and I decided to erase it (not closing, I had to actually wait like 2 weeks).
Now I'm feeling even lonelier, I don't really want to know anything about her nor do I care. But I have really no one around to count on. Thinking about this just makes things worse and seeing all those happy couples & friends just worse it (nothing wrong with that, just my problem).
Sometimes I like to imagine things different, If I had someone close to me, someone that listens to me, someone that holds me and hugs me and I would be more than happy to make things for that someone, make her happy, cheer her up, listen when she's angry or sad.
Hug her when she feels lonely too, and maybe we could overcome it.
Give her space, because sometimes girls just need that. Message her in the mornings saying "I hope to see you today" and at nights wishing her sweet dreams.
But doing so just makes me sad, and sometimes I cry at night.
I really think that I'm ugly, I jus't can't think of another reason as to why people don't talk to me. Or ignore me (sometimes, I like to give my opinion and the people just ignore me like that) when I talk to them. Plus I feel very shy sometimes, but if someone talks to me, I would just talk normally (not talking about me, but talking about what the other person may like).
I really feel as if my soul needs attention.
Fun facts are that: I don't really feel comfortable around "beautiful girls", or the
"hot ones". Actually I find girls with glasses pretty cute (bonus if they have brackets).
Also, sometimes I look around in my school for "lonely" people to talk. But when I'm about to go and try to make small talk, someone arrives (one of their friends) and if I was
mid-way, that just makes me feel embarrassed, and I turn back.
I don't really know how you all feel about loneliness, but I think it hurts more when you have tasted companionship, because the lack of it is greatly emphasized.
I really think that I'm the boring one, the wrong one, the broken one, the lonely one.
What do you think? Please, I'd like to read your comments.
And thank you very much for reading all my story.