Where is the light?

[M_also_lonely]

Today is Diwali, a festival of lights, a festival of victory of light over darkness. But seems that the light has ignored me, just the way people do.
On this festival people celebrate joyfully with their families and friends, eat great food, buy expensive clothes, chill out, have fun, but it seems that I do not have that authority of doing that.
I just don't belong. I want someone to ask me to come with her/him to celebrate, but everyone is so busy with their special ones.
I haven't spoken to anyone around me since four days.

Today, women make rangoli in front of the houses and my mother made one, which took nearly four hours. But as I was walking, my leg accidentally slipped and I fell on it and all the design was spoiled. She looked angrily at me and then told me not to go with them for dinner. They went for a dinner at a restaurant with other relatives.

In the mean time, I decided to correct the design and with my hands shaking, as I started people from neighborhood kept glancing at me as if I am doing something weird. I drew the worst drawing one could ever see, which was evident from the giggles of neighbors.
A lady came to see it and sarcastically told her 10 year old kid to help me. They all laughed. I went away and cried for an hour.

As my parents returned, my mother came to my room telling how they were ashamed of what I did. I cried for hours. Nobody asked if I had something for food or not.

I too want to celebrate Diwali with happiness. With friends coming to my house, wishing me a happy new year. Or having a sister who wants to take photos with me. Even I want a girlfriend who asks me if I am fine. I want my father to be proud of me, but with this luck of mine, it seems impossible.




I read somewhere tips to be happy when you are lonely. I was following them regularly. It seemed that I was becoming happier. Soon I noticed the rebound effect. I cried that night more than I would, realizing, "Whats new? Life is still like hell."

I want to be happy too. I want to have a lot of friends. I want my parents to love me. I want my sister to love me. I want my teachers to understand me. I want to have a girlfriend, who thinks about me, who cares for me, etc.I want to go to parties and picnics and malls and dates with her, then sit at the sea shore with her like couples do. I want to be valued too.
I respect everyone around me. I speak kindly, even though I never receive a smile back.

I wanted to celebrate this Diwali too, like those happy people. I wanted my parents and sister to wish me too, but they didn't.


If I am good, being good is considered boring, stupid, outdated, etc. When I show the opposite side in me, it is considered rude,and senseless.
Why?
Whats my fault?
Why doesn't one person come to me and say "Hey, come and join us?"
Why do I feel empty?
Am I so cruel?

 

[SofiasMami]

I don't have any words of wisdom but just want to say how awful that must feel to be rejected by your own family and by the community during a festival. Words can hurt worse than physical violence. I hope things get better for you.

-Teresa

 

[Despicable Me]

M, my suggestion to you is....
Go back out and finish the Rangoli that you started. Do not leave until you are done. If anyone comes to laugh, ask them to sit down and help. If they say no, then tell them they should not celebrate Diwali because they cannot find any light in themselves. And then continue. Ask anyone who comes by to sit down and help you to create beauty. Celebrate by finishing what you started, and let nothing get in the way of that.
And if Diwali is over now, and anyone wonder why you are still doing this, simply ask them this: "Did the darkness conquer the light? I did not know."

In the end, you will either find that you are surrounded by people celebrating with you... or that there is no light found in these people, and you should find people who have light within them.

 

[Eliraven]

Happy Diwai to you!!!!

Unfortunately we can't control other people's behavior. But we must remember that has nothing to do with our worth. That's THEIR problem,not yours.

Do something you love, even if it means doing it alone. Celebrate you and what you love. Life is too short to wait for other people. Take care of yourself, we MUST love ourselves first, then worry about others after.

I hope you ate something. Don't abandon yourself.

Let me know how you still feel, okey?

 

[Xpendable]

M, my suggestion to you is....
Go back out and finish the Rangoli that you started. Do not leave until you are done. If anyone comes to laugh, ask them to sit down and help. If they say no, then tell them they should not celebrate Diwali because they cannot find any light in themselves. And then continue. Ask anyone who comes by to sit down and help you to create beauty. Celebrate by finishing what you started, and let nothing get in the way of that.
And if Diwali is over now, and anyone wonder why you are still doing this, simply ask them this: "Did the darkness conquer the light? I did not know."

In the end, you will either find that you are surrounded by people celebrating with you... or that there is no light found in these people, and you should find people who have light within them.

I like this. Is not just some "be positive" message, but it actually offers you some action. It also recognizes society's responsibility instead of just saying that they don't like him because his attitude or whatever.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Happy Diwai to you!!!!

Unfortunately we can't control other people's behavior. But we must remember that has nothing to do with our worth. That's THEIR problem,not yours.

Do something you love, even if it means doing it alone. Celebrate you and what you love. Life is too short to wait for other people. Take care of yourself, we MUST love ourselves first, then worry about others after.

I hope you ate something. Don't abandon yourself.

Let me know how you still feel, okey?

Thank you very much. And same to you.
Look look, somebody wished me. I didn't know that it feels this great to be wished by someone. How lucky are others!!
You know, it feels weird to me when women are such kind as you are. It feels surprising when they don't insult me or complain about me or form a group and make fun of me. It was the first thought that came to my mind, "Why did she wish me? Doesn't she know that she is a woman?"
But Thank you for being nice.
Why aren't everyone like you....(please no huge debates on this...Its just something I wanted to say and I said.)
I am trying to learn to love myself, since long. Haven't been successful yet, but there is a hope, that's why I haven't quit it yet.
How do I feel? The same, I wish I had not ruined my family's celebration and I didn't want my parents to feel insulted because of me. What can I do...that's how I am....

---

M, my suggestion to you is....
Go back out and finish the Rangoli that you started. Do not leave until you are done. If anyone comes to laugh, ask them to sit down and help. If they say no, then tell them they should not celebrate Diwali because they cannot find any light in themselves. And then continue. Ask anyone who comes by to sit down and help you to create beauty. Celebrate by finishing what you started, and let nothing get in the way of that.
And if Diwali is over now, and anyone wonder why you are still doing this, simply ask them this: "Did the darkness conquer the light? I did not know."

In the end, you will either find that you are surrounded by people celebrating with you... or that there is no light found in these people, and you should find people who have light within them.

Thank you for the advice. You are right. But there is no meaning of doing it. Its too late. Its not considered appropriate. You know, Indian traditions.

---

I like this. Is not just some "be positive" message, but it actually offers you some action. It also recognizes society's responsibility instead of just saying that they don't like him because his attitude or whatever.

Yes, and why don't they understand that these traditions are followed out of faith. What is wrong if I am bad at art but my faith is good? And what is so great if they are great rangoli artists and do it just as a show off?

 

[Latent]

Even though it is over, happy Diwali to you.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Even though it is over, happy Diwali to you.

Oh thank you...you know, its our biggest festival. And our new year the next day... :-D

 

[Latent]

Oh thank you...you know, its our biggest festival. And our new year the next day... :-D

I did not know. Happy new year to you too, then.

 

[Despicable Me]

Thank you for the advice. You are right. But there is no meaning of doing it. Its too late. Its not considered appropriate. You know, Indian traditions.

There is always meaning to the things you do. That's something I've been trying to get you to understand for a long time.
And screw traditions. Doing something that isn't entirely considered appropriate was part of the point. It gets them to ask questions which in turn gets you a chance to speak your mind to them and say what you need to say. And in doing so would hopefully hope up a dialogue, as well as providing them with insight into their own actions.

You do not need to take my advice, though. And you do not have to do this now.
But at least tell me you understand the point I was trying to make? That sometimes we must break traditions and expectations and do what is difficult to do in order for people to realize the true light that exists within us all. Because, in truth, it is the darkness that wins most of the time.
And Diwali just happens to be one of the most appropriate holidays to demonstrate something like that. To show others what 'light' and 'triumph' really means.

Yes, and why don't they understand that these traditions are followed out of faith. What is wrong if I am bad at art but my faith is good? And what is so great if they are great rangoli artists and do it just as a show off?

Call me a cynical, but it is because the majority of people are blind, shallow, and naive.
They do not truly celebrate Diwali because they find light conquering darkness. They follow it because it is simply the tradition of the culture. Something they were raised to do. And you being unwilling to go out and do something not considered 'appropriate' against tradition is somewhat the same reason why they do what they do. In society people develop these sort of 'expectations'. Not just of others but most of them are expectations of themselves. Like your expectation to 'need' someone else to celebrate with, rather than being able to celebrate it alone, with a smile.

As another example, you have an expectation to not cry and be sensitive. You've stated it numerous times on this forum. But each and every time someone hurts you then you mention how you've done it again.
You believe that this sensitivity is what makes it so people don't want to be around you. But I think it's quite the opposite. I think it's that sensitivity and your own expectations of not being sensitive that makes you the one who runs away.
You need to conquer those fears, M. When you do you'll realize those expectations melt away. Then your sensitivity will no longer be a weakness but a strength.
You will realize all of this one day. But the fear, that darkness, it must go.

Or perhaps it is better if I say that the fear is transformed. Nothing ever completely disappears. Light and Darkness are two of the same thing.

In any case, like I said, you do not need to take my advice. I'm just a crazy old man, I guess.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Today is Diwali, a festival of lights, a festival of victory of light over darkness. But seems that the light has ignored me, just the way people do.
On this festival people celebrate joyfully with their families and friends, eat great food, buy expensive clothes, chill out, have fun, but it seems that I do not have that authority of doing that.
I just don't belong. I want someone to ask me to come with her/him to celebrate, but everyone is so busy with their special ones.
I haven't spoken to anyone around me since four days.

Today, women make rangoli in front of the houses and my mother made one, which took nearly four hours. But as I was walking, my leg accidentally slipped and I fell on it and all the design was spoiled. She looked angrily at me and then told me not to go with them for dinner. They went for a dinner at a restaurant with other relatives.

In the mean time, I decided to correct the design and with my hands shaking, as I started people from neighborhood kept glancing at me as if I am doing something weird. I drew the worst drawing one could ever see, which was evident from the giggles of neighbors.
A lady came to see it and sarcastically told her 10 year old kid to help me. They all laughed. I went away and cried for an hour.

As my parents returned, my mother came to my room telling how they were ashamed of what I did. I cried for hours. Nobody asked if I had something for food or not.

I too want to celebrate Diwali with happiness. With friends coming to my house, wishing me a happy new year. Or having a sister who wants to take photos with me. Even I want a girlfriend who asks me if I am fine. I want my father to be proud of me, but with this luck of mine, it seems impossible.




I read somewhere tips to be happy when you are lonely. I was following them regularly. It seemed that I was becoming happier. Soon I noticed the rebound effect. I cried that night more than I would, realizing, "Whats new? Life is still like hell."

I want to be happy too. I want to have a lot of friends. I want my parents to love me. I want my sister to love me. I want my teachers to understand me. I want to have a girlfriend, who thinks about me, who cares for me, etc.I want to go to parties and picnics and malls and dates with her, then sit at the sea shore with her like couples do. I want to be valued too.
I respect everyone around me. I speak kindly, even though I never receive a smile back.

I wanted to celebrate this Diwali too, like those happy people. I wanted my parents and sister to wish me too, but they didn't.


If I am good, being good is considered boring, stupid, outdated, etc. When I show the opposite side in me, it is considered rude,and senseless.
Why?
Whats my fault?
Why doesn't one person come to me and say "Hey, come and join us?"
Why do I feel empty?
Am I so cruel?

You need to grow some balls because it seems people treat you like honeysuckle. Start answering people back. If people fresia with you, fresia with them. Your family seem horrible, nothing much you can do about that.

And another thing. You can't always have the life you want. It doesn't work like that.

 

[theidiot]

Usually about one foot below the ceiling. I'm going for the world record in taking it literally today. Otherwise it's 'up there, man'.

 

[M_also_lonely]

You need to grow some balls because it seems people treat you like honeysuckle. Start answering people back. If people fresia with you, fresia with them. Your family seem horrible, nothing much you can do about that.

Sometimes I do, and people say, " what you are saying is crap"

And another thing. You can't always have the life you want. It doesn't work like that.

Not a problem. Problem is, when it doesn't happen even for once.

---

Usually about one foot below the ceiling. I'm going for the world record in taking it literally today. Otherwise it's 'up there, man'.

Ohh, there are more here. I thought maybe only a few would be. Anyways, nice name.

 

[Despicable Me]

And another thing. You can't always have the life you want. It doesn't work like that.

Not a problem. Problem is, when it doesn't happen even for once.

M, the way I see it is that you are still here, and you have food, water, and a home to live in. Know that you have your entire life ahead of you. And you have family, too, even if they are often apathetic towards you.
There are also tons of people in this world who would enjoy your company and that you simply just have to find them.
These are things you want. So you cannot say that you have never gotten anything you wanted, because you have them now. You just need to learn to appreciate what you do have, because not everyone has these things, and they do not last forever.
You know this is true because you've seen people like this and you care for them very much. Don't you? I know you do.

I used to feel like you, M. Nothing ever really seemed to work out for me. I had, and could easily argue that I still have, very horrible luck. But one day I learned to appreciate what I do have. And then I learned to forgive myself and others, too. Once I realized, in the larger scope of things, that my problems were actually quite insignificant then finally, one day, I learned to smile.

Learn to smile, M. Learn to appreciate what you have, because nothing lasts forever.