H
HoodedMonk
Guest
I’m not sure where to start, or how to start, or even if this will be read or responded to but, I feel I need to write about this.
Life has been difficult for me lately, not only because of my grandfather passing but for other reasons as well.
As most people know, I recently graduated from college a year or so ago. Since then, I went to graduate school for a while, and that didn’t work out. Destroyed my sense of confidence in myself.
Lately things have not been good.
1) Currently I am on a bad health insurance, courtesy of my father. It doesn’t pay for my prescription food that I need to live. I am prescribed food because I have a feeding tube you see. So, my father orders food at half price through a medical website. Asking him to send food though feels like begging, and any attempts at trying to persuade him to put me on a better plan have been met with resistance and anger. He is required via court to provide me health insurance but the court said nothing about the quality of the health insurance he must provide.
Been watching the medical bills mount up, and my credit become destroyed for some time now because my father didn’t care.
Looking at the bills, makes me hopeless that I can ever be independent and live a life that is self-sustaining. It makes me not want to live at all. 1k for food a month, 80 dollars for a doc appointment…thousands here, and there….every month.
At least the bills are getting sent to my father now instead of me, so it’s his credit rating at risk.
2) I do not own a car so I have to stay at home most of the time while mom goes and does her thing wherever. It’s difficult because I wish I had one so that I could go get a job. I am feeling unfulfilled at the moment.
Trying to save money for one, but I can’t have money if I am to go back to being on SSI, and having medical benefits through that. I need the extra benefits right now.
3) After my grandfather’s death my mother has been emotionally unavailable. Attempts to talk with her about how I feel about my Papou dying have been met with “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.” Or…her not paying attention to what I am saying at all, looking at her phone, and forcing me to repeat myself 5 or 6 times because she’s not listening. It doesn’t even have to be about my grandfather, any sort of conversation is like this. Yesterday’s attempt at talking to her left me feeling degraded and tearful. It’s not like I have anyone else to talk to in real life right now.
4) Possible home foreclosure. While I was at my grandparent’s house, I stepped up and told my grandmother about the situation we were having. With the mortgage being over 5k a month, we’ve been struggling to try and keep the house. She gave us some money, but it’ll only last a few months.
Mom still refuses to put the house on the market and becomes angry at me whenever I ask her to call the realtor. I put money into the mortgage to try and help my mother. Money I should have kept for myself, used on a car, or saved for medical expenses.
My grandmother, in exchange for the money, has forbade me and mom to speak up against her. So basically, it feels as if rope has been tied around my wrists and I am at my father’s house now when I visit her.
All of this has been making me feel…well…be very hopeless about my future being bright. It feels like all my cousins and even my brother have bright futures, but mine has been drug down into the mud, stalled, and frozen for an indefinite period of time.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to help my mother, but being met with resistance isn’t good. Her drinking has gone up since her father’s death, I cannot talk to her…I cannot stop her drinking...
I’ve been considering that maybe I should just not exist if I have no viable future.
[youtube]wXo_bmftaEM[/youtube]
Life has been difficult for me lately, not only because of my grandfather passing but for other reasons as well.
As most people know, I recently graduated from college a year or so ago. Since then, I went to graduate school for a while, and that didn’t work out. Destroyed my sense of confidence in myself.
Lately things have not been good.
1) Currently I am on a bad health insurance, courtesy of my father. It doesn’t pay for my prescription food that I need to live. I am prescribed food because I have a feeding tube you see. So, my father orders food at half price through a medical website. Asking him to send food though feels like begging, and any attempts at trying to persuade him to put me on a better plan have been met with resistance and anger. He is required via court to provide me health insurance but the court said nothing about the quality of the health insurance he must provide.
Been watching the medical bills mount up, and my credit become destroyed for some time now because my father didn’t care.
Looking at the bills, makes me hopeless that I can ever be independent and live a life that is self-sustaining. It makes me not want to live at all. 1k for food a month, 80 dollars for a doc appointment…thousands here, and there….every month.
At least the bills are getting sent to my father now instead of me, so it’s his credit rating at risk.
2) I do not own a car so I have to stay at home most of the time while mom goes and does her thing wherever. It’s difficult because I wish I had one so that I could go get a job. I am feeling unfulfilled at the moment.
Trying to save money for one, but I can’t have money if I am to go back to being on SSI, and having medical benefits through that. I need the extra benefits right now.
3) After my grandfather’s death my mother has been emotionally unavailable. Attempts to talk with her about how I feel about my Papou dying have been met with “I’m tired, I’m going to sleep.” Or…her not paying attention to what I am saying at all, looking at her phone, and forcing me to repeat myself 5 or 6 times because she’s not listening. It doesn’t even have to be about my grandfather, any sort of conversation is like this. Yesterday’s attempt at talking to her left me feeling degraded and tearful. It’s not like I have anyone else to talk to in real life right now.
4) Possible home foreclosure. While I was at my grandparent’s house, I stepped up and told my grandmother about the situation we were having. With the mortgage being over 5k a month, we’ve been struggling to try and keep the house. She gave us some money, but it’ll only last a few months.
Mom still refuses to put the house on the market and becomes angry at me whenever I ask her to call the realtor. I put money into the mortgage to try and help my mother. Money I should have kept for myself, used on a car, or saved for medical expenses.
My grandmother, in exchange for the money, has forbade me and mom to speak up against her. So basically, it feels as if rope has been tied around my wrists and I am at my father’s house now when I visit her.
All of this has been making me feel…well…be very hopeless about my future being bright. It feels like all my cousins and even my brother have bright futures, but mine has been drug down into the mud, stalled, and frozen for an indefinite period of time.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to help my mother, but being met with resistance isn’t good. Her drinking has gone up since her father’s death, I cannot talk to her…I cannot stop her drinking...
I’ve been considering that maybe I should just not exist if I have no viable future.
[youtube]wXo_bmftaEM[/youtube]