Why do I suffer?

[Haven]

Im suffering I feel like a moving corpse I look out my window and see people they look so important like they have people waiting for them.
No one waits for me no one thinks of me all I have is my mother and two brothers I did have a friend but hes gone now.

Both of my brothers are so popular they talk about their friends and girlfriends. My brother called me a lifeless loser. Hes right my life has no value. I don't exist. I cant remember what happiness feels like. I was happy once. If their is a god maybe Im a joke or an experiment, an experiment to see how far can you push a person to the edge before he jumps.

I want to feel again. I want to be happy I want to be alive again. I want to exist I want to be needed desired wanted. I dont want to imagen a social I want to experience I dont want to be just some nobody. I know Im only 20 but Ive felt like this for nine years now. Im sure people will tell me things will get better. But how can others have hope for me when I have none in my self. I dont think I'll last another nine to ten year carrying these emotion I feel worse as I get older. Im not saying Im suicidal but I wonder is there a reason to keep moving forward if you have nothing to live for.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe you can seek counseling or therapy Heaven.

You say you want to feel again...
Did you emotionally shut down becuase some type of painful event happened in your life?
Are you using drugs or any type mind altering or mood changing substance to numb out or cope?

What type of enviorment did you grow up in ?
To be called a lifeless loser dosn't make you feel any better and attacks your self esteem.
Are you constantly being put down...even if it's subtle ? Therefore you enterlize it even more.

You have plenty to live for. Life has the same to offer you as it dose anyone else...

When I first got into recovery...Poeple had to love me first so I can learn to love myself.
I was 22 at that time...So you're ahead of the game if you chose to get well now.
Some people don't even relized it until they're in there 40's or 50's.
Don't get too cuaght up in what others do, what seems to be okay , or get mezmerized by it.
I've seen thousands of people hit bottom, lose everything, crash and burn anyway becuase they
didn't really know what was happening to them..not until they're in thier 40's and say WTF ???lol
Their lives were built on a deck of card or illusions..They had to start off again. Not only rebuild
but clean up a lot of wrackage they cuased in thier lives and other people's lives.

That was onething I always had on my side...I got into recovery at a very young age.
The more I heal or get well ..the better I'm able to see things differently.
The more i see things differently..the more I'm able to live a happier life.

Can you or will you allow yourself to reach out for help..
Make little changes at a time.

 

[Haven]

Im not emotionally numb just tired of feeling like I dont matter. 80% of the day for me is spent wishing. I want to form normal bonds like others my own age being able to communicate with other on this forum honestly this is the closest Ive felt to happiness and normal in years but honestly I want more of an existence then just a name on a computer screen my family put up with my routine, I think out of pity. I'll be patient maybe it will work out form me.

 

[Gem]

why do you suffer? why do any of us suffer i'd like to know. Good luck with everything though

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Just Keep on trying Heaven.

I had to use this forum as a bridge for me to start inneracting with people in real life.
The more I allow myself to inneract with people..the better i got.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Many people here feel and have felt the same way you have before. You really need to understand that friends, a relationship, or an amazing job will only do so much for yourself. You are probably looking at the wrong places and thinking of the wrong things to make you believe that if you had them things will get better.

Think of this very moment in your life as starting off with a clean slate. The hard part is that YOU have to build something and if you do you will be rewarded with much more experiences and interactions with people instead of just hiding in a hole of depression all the time. Try anything you can to gain some motivation, and energy. Also, do not really take what you see or hear from others to heart. Most of the time things are not what they really seem. You will understand that last part soon enough.

 

[Flood]

Are you in school do you have a job? Is there anything that forces you out of your parents house? If not find something. Just being in a different environment is better then just looking out the window. Otherwise nothing will change in 9 years unless you switch things up.

 

[Haven]

Are you in school do you have a job? Is there anything that forces you out of your parents house? If not find something. Just being in a different environment is better then just looking out the window. Otherwise nothing will change in 9 years unless you switch things up.

For right now I don't go to school or work I want to do both but work comes first. Without income I wont have the ability to support myself through school. I just moved back in with my parents but the don't believe emotionally able to go through and finish school

 

[ScorpioIris]

Haven, Haven. I think we should go bowling sometime. LOL

We have a lot in common. I feel a lot of the same emptiness that you feel. If I had a nickel for every time I asked myself "Why do I suffer?" I'd be ******* rich. I feel sometimes that I was born to suffer. I was put on earth for others to ridicule, abuse, laugh at, and to be lonely and miserable. I see happy people walking down the street, riding there bikes together and laughing; I ask myself "Why can't I be happy like they are?" By the way, your brother is a real dick head for saying that to you.

All I have in my life is my mom, dad, and my brother. Me and my mom don't get along, my dad is a bitter *******, and my brother is bat honeysuckle crazy. He's all genocidal and wants to join the nazi party. He's a very hateful human being and I rarely talk to him.

Anyways, I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but this song always helps me look on the bright side of things.

 

[ScorpioIris]

By the way, school and work will definitly take your mind off of things for a period of time. It really helped me when I started going to college. Now, I work and that helps me socialize a little bit. But, when I go home the emptiness and depression comes back. I have really sad, lonely, depressing weekends that drag on forever.

 

[breakthecycle]

Yup that's me too.

I'm sorry to say this, but your brother is a ******* scum. How dare he? What did you say to him back? you should have slapped him, not once but twice.